- Member Since 24th Nov, 2012
- offline last seen Oct 12th, 2023
englishwitch
"If you write one story, it may be bad; if you write a hundred, you have the odds in your favor." - Edgar Rice Burroughs
englishwitch
Joined 24th Nov, 2012 ·
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very nice, i liked it very much
Pretty good, I say. Adorable and sexy at the same time.
Nicely done.
well done, you might want to break up some of those giant paragraphs though.
A nice idea, and nicely written, but it could do with a spelling and grammar proofing to iron out a few little mistakes.
her.*
be*, not*, apologize*
2259814
the apologise with an S isn't a mistake, that's the British spelling.
Other than that, you're right.
I'm long overdue on getting a new proofreader.
during Luna's reveal, you have this giant blob of text, here's a couple points you can separate the blob to make it read better.
2260004
Indeed.
I didn't get that far unfortunately, or I would of picked out the rest of them--if there were any.
And featured
2260004 fix it then!
Don't. Never. Big No-No!
Seriously, never write stuff like that. If anything, you should encourage people to be brutally honest with you. You're not going to learn anything from sugar coated reviews. The ones that help and move forward and make you better, are the ones that tear the story apart and tell you exactly what was wrong, and how it could be done better.
Note, though, that I am talking of constructive criticism here, not insulting reviews that tell you how much you suck.
Fairly decent, but I'd like to join the group that is pointing out the errors.
Fluttershy isn't lavender-colored.
Not bad at all I'd say. For your first foray into the clop world it seems like you have a knack for it.
PHIL COLLINS REFERENCE
Umm..... I wanna see this relationship continue on from here..... if that's alright......
Please?
There is a deplorable lack of fresh Lunashy here I approve
Honestly this was really good for your first clop fiction
however, you must let people criticize your material so you can work off of their opinions.
Best of luck
So. Um. Yes.
You'll forgive me if I skipped over a good chunk of the middle, but you've been following me almost since I started publishing here and I saw you'd posted a new story and made it to the feature box, so I wanted to drop you a review! Also, obviously, congrats on making the feature box!
Now, on to the commenting. You have a number of people pointing out spelling and usage errors, so I'll leave them to it. The story could use with another editing pass, it's true, but I didn't find it so jarring that it caused me real trouble reading. The biggest piece of advice I'd offer is that a lot of the early work in the story lacks detail that would help engage readers' interest more.
For example, there's nothing wrong with your characterizations of Rainbow Dash and Applejack, but they're really more sketches here than full characters. It seems like you're cuing their bits in this story off of events from the show. I think they would be helped immensely if you just tossed in a few details to give them some more motivations. Does Rainbow Dash, say, get distracted by seeing somepony she particularly wants to prank? Does Applejack have any reaction to Luna liking her caramel apple beyond one smile? The focus is on Luna, yes, but I think giving a little more detail about what's happening around her would be good. This holds for the sights and sounds of Nightmare Night, too. I hate this advice, so I'm reluctant to use it, but I think what the beginning of the story needs is a bit more of you showing us what's fun about Nightmare Night and not quite so much of you telling us. Details are good.
As I said, I skipped over a decent amount of the middle, but from what I did read I felt like the clop section of this story was definitely the stronger section. There were some word choices that felt a little off-putting to me. 'Marehood' I like. More clinical or more common-for-human words, not so much – but then again, I don't really read in this genre, so to some extent you should probably take what I say with a grain of salt.
And the ending bit, the part of the premise that made the story sound interesting to me, I did quite enjoy that.
Good luck with future writing!
Er... Mah... Gherd... IS THAT A PHIL COLLINS REFERENCE?! I shall fave/like it now and read it very soon just for that!
2260810 i think twi could be considered lavender colored
nice first try
but i have to ask, not being a native English speaker i found it odd to refer at the vagina as "sex"
don't know why it just seemsed odd when i read it
if it realy is called like that please reply with a coment to enlighten me
"that is...mmm... if that is ok with you"
2262155
This is a pretty normal usage in this sort of writing.
2262124 Yeah, but that sentence is describing Fluttershy, not Twilight.
Clover the clever...not closer.....and is rainbow dressed as trixie bwahahaha awesome
Well guys I'm about to pass out cause all my blood is elsewhere (Meteorically speaking) --clop,clop,clop--
Not much to say. Good story, could use some polish, but otherwise enjoyable.
I... I actually came here just to point out that you need to capitalize the title "The Air of the Night"
...but you made a Phil Collins reference? I'll read.
... and read, mostly.
Hm.
The premise was alright. That Luna was a lesbian when it was taboo, it's a cool idea. But execution needs work here. Tons of mechanics errors, and I just couldn't get any immersion because of it. RD sounds alright, though. FS wasn't so bad.
Love juices makes me laugh. It's silly. I'd avoid it, honestly.
It is a first attempt though.
Decent story, a good oneshot but you could have used a little more tension and buildup to the intimacy. (Though that opinion is mostly born from my prejudicial preference to read longer stories). I'm finally getting over the fact that I can enjoy a clopfic just as much as a regular fic, and may even eventually accept that clop is a regular and natural extension to shipping, which I find myself quite enamored with. I don't see too many pairings between luna and anypony other than Twilight, so this was a treat.
Overall, I'd rate this as an eight. Good work.
A good story. I'm not sure if you're at all interested in continuing this, but I'm very interested in seeing Celestia's reaction to Luna's sexuality. And seeing a relationship evolve out of this encounter could make for a good story as well. Might be worth thinking about.
It just stood out to me. Its Clover the Clever not Closer
There's just...so little dialogue.
Luna and Fluttershy need to talk more.
2262015
ALL OF MY YES. JUST FOR THAT.
WILL FAVE WITH THE FORCE OF A THOUSAND SUNS.
2260047 Your everywhere!
2265583
I am?
Very sweet. Much better then the averagwe clopfic. Sexy too.
2265634 ...I think? Also:
mathematicianspictures.com/Images/250w_PIDAY_Use_02_Pi_Day_Po.jpg
SPREAD THE WORD!!!
I have to say it was well written for a clop
I would love to see more of how this relationship blossoms 
But I think it was stopped at a good point for a one shot 
Though I think more dialogue between Fluttershy and Luna would be great but it still worked well.
Fantastic! Showing two sides of both Luna and Fluttershy, as well as well as good sexy times. You sure know how to build anticipation in your characters.
Closer the Clever.
Closer the Clever?
Closer the Clever!
Ha!
That isn't the British spelling, is it?
We approve of thine story.
Who is Phil Collins?
You start off really well in this story. One thing that's refreshing is that it doesn't feel like it's going to be a porn story from the start. My one gripe is that it jumps from an unexpected kiss to foreplay to sex so quickly I practically have whiplash. One thing to keep in mind is this: people/ponies don't respond positively to an unexpected kiss unless there's been some romantic feelings or lusting on their part. This goes doubly for Fluttershy, who doesn't strike me as the type to go for spur-of-the-moment sex. This isn't to say that it couldn't happen, but there needs to be at least a little dialogue in there after the kiss.
The hurt doesn't show, But the pain still grows, it's no stranger to you and me! Ba-dum-da-dum-da-da-dum-da-dum-dum!
I learned about Phil Collins from a mash up of scootaloo playing the drums to that song
Too much of the word pussy... Blech.
As someone who's been on the Fluttershy side of this sort of situation... Having someone, even someone you may be attracted to, come on strong and keep going despite your hesitance is terrifying. If this story had even one moment where Luna stopped being a hornosaurus and made sure that everything was okay, I'd like it better. Just saying.
Oh god, dat exactly even word count...
Oh god, dat editedness...
2265643 woah [img] http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/tristan3d/tristan3d1211/tristan3d121100012/16297363-a-red-alert-button-with-the-caption-stop.jpg[/img]
That ended 2 hours 26 minutes ago.
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