Scootaloo has always wanted to be closer to Rainbow Dash. Well after an accident at Zecora's hut, Scootaloo's dream may come true.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 27th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen Jun 29th, 2014
Pickle
I am unsure what to put here.... TO BE CONTINUED!
Pickle
Joined 27th Jan, 2012 ·
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lol
Hm... I like where this is going. Can't wait for the next chapter.
165774
I found you! In a comments section!
Okay, I'm done.
Yes, I agree. moar!
So... Hey everypony! This is my first fanfic and I'm kinda proud of myself. I know it could be a lot better, but I'm still proud I stuck with the story. I know that this chapter was kinda slow and composed of much exposition. I hope that as the story advances, the pace will pick up.
PLEASE DON'T YELL AT ME ABOUT THE LACK OF ROMANCE IN THIS FIRST CHAPTER! I know that I tagged this as romance, so trust me when I say ROMANCE IS COMING! You just got to wait till the next chapter.
I'd love to recieve constructive critism, feedback, and suggestions for what you would liked to see. This will not be a clop-fic at any time though so keep those comments out.
Wish you all the best reading and Now I wait, for in 12 hours a new episode of MLP: FIM will come out!
I can't even be first to comment on my own story!
OMG YES! Hope you plan to continue this awesome story soon!
ok this seems to be a good place to start for a story, but it could be improved a little..
still... lots of potential
I like the set up you created. I just hope that the story goes in the direction I'm thinking of...
You really ought to grab an editor or pre-reader for this. It's not a bad start by any means, just a few problems here and there. I'll track it and see how you do on it, it's a good premise and a fairly enjoyable story so far.
One GLARING problem: Never use an emoticon in the story, it distracts the reader far more than any grammatical error.
Great, now I have the song "I Believe I Can Fly" stuck in my head.
I read this.
"The breathless filly collapsed on the floor, panting heavily after her long-winded explanation."
There is no hyphen between "long" and "winded". "Long" is the adverb. You wouldn't say "teen-ager".
"I’ve practically done ever simple thing there is to do in Ponyville,"
Should be "every".
"'Oh. My bad, Zecora. I didn’t realize you were busy,' the carrot-colored filly uttered, now feeling a bit intrusive.
This is a pet peeve I have: What's the point of reiterating her color? She isn't defined by her color scheme nor is the scheme anything unique to her character. It might be a personal thing (in fact it fucking is), but I'd rather see the character's actual name rather than repeating her physical characteristics.
"'I need to get Garuda feathers from my bedroom, so I shall be back very soon,' Zecora warned as she headed into her bedroom"
Warned? I think merely "said" would fit well, or even "told Scootaloo"
"and pondered whether Zecora had go and catch that Gordita thingy to get some feathers"
"had to go and catch".
"hers didn’t work properly. :( "
First, do not use contractions in narration. Secondly, why is there an emoticon? If she is sad describe it.
"Scootaloo wasn’t sure if maybe"
Moar contractions. Just ctrl+F to fix the rest.
"Now with undying motivation, Scootaloo embarked on a climbing expedition up Zecora’s counter."
Hmm? Didn't Scootaloo just "leap" up to the table in the previous paragraphs?
"Scootaloo swiftly shoved it open"
Word choice again. "Shoved"? "Pushed" would fit better.
"Scootaloo intimidated considered"
What the hell. Do you mean something like "Scootaloo considered, her intimidation setting in."?
"Taking in a elongated breath,"
You mean "an".
"the rest of landing inside."
You mean "the rest of her body landing inside."?
"Scootaloo shrilled as an even greater idea arose."
"Shrilled" is not a word. Use "squealed".
"Every time any pony visits me, something gets looted. The next pony who takes any of my things is going to get booted!"
This was funny, though the font makes it nearly invisible.
"Recalling what amazing event happened took place at the hut gave Scootaloo a new idea. "
Either use "happened" or "took place", not both.
"The picture of Rainbow Dash’s figure plopped once again into the school filly’s mind, causing Scootaloo to face the issue at hand."
At "hoof", not hand. LAWL
"Sugarcube corner still held a few late night snackers"
You mean "Corner".
"non-sequiturs"
Again, no hyphen.
"Oh Celestia, that chicken grub looks good!"
I lol'd.
Pinkie Pie's thoughts also have a nearly invisible font color.
"but the smirk was short-lived as her lips mad a 180. "
No hypen. And also you should write out the number.
"Her tummy still thriving for something to digest"
"Thriving" doesn't fit. Try "yearning" or "wanting".
"hoof-tips. "
GG all these hyphens.
"Scootaloo began to persuaded herself. "
You mean "persuade".
Oh le cliff hanger. What an unlikable stop.
Overall, the descriptions are nice and vivid. The characters are safely in character and the humor is there. It looks as if this will play out as an episode of sorts in a chaptered format. But where the fuck is there gonna' be romance? Scootaloo is an adult so now it's okay for her to fuck Rainbow Dash?
Cool story, bro.
>>Sir Ostentatious LOL FUCK YOU DERICK DIXON, RESIDENT OF SOUTHEAST TEXAS! That's all the clues I'm giving out today, you pedos.
Thanks for the criticism, dilly. I changed a majority of the things you suggested. I cannot see the colors as I edit, so I didn't know some of them were hard to see.
I do disagree with a few of the comments though. Such as color description; bitch all you want, I'm still doing it. Another thing is that numbers above 100 should be typed out as numbers. Johnson taught me that. BTW shrilled is a word. shrill is an adjective but also a verb. I used it in past tense. Furthermore, the ending I wouldn't consider too much of a cliff hanger, just a hanger. I don't think anyone is hanging at the edge of their computer screen hoping Scootaloo doesn't fuck shit up or something.
Thanks tho bra!
171987
Actually, ignore most of those attempted corrections of your hyphen usage--most of them were fine. Considering his first attempted correction for a hyphen compared "long-winded" to "teen-ager" (teenager being a single word, which can't use a hyphen...
), I think it's safe to say you're doing just fine.
Also, contractions are fine in narration--it's a story, use contractions if you feel like it.
I do suggest changing those awful colors, though. Please, it makes it a great deal harder to read when you put things in colored text--just put thoughts in Italics or in single quotes, would you? People tend to format things the same way for a very good reason, that reason being that it's been proven universally legible over time.
If you can honestly read that bright pink on a white background without highlighting it or really straining your eyes, you've far better eyesight than I do.
Ok, so hey everypony! I apologize is this chapter took a little long to come up with, but I got school too. Now onto some notes.
First off, I would like to say that even though this chapter is slow and not too romantic either, the romance will come within the next two chapters. I have an idea of where the story will go and what antics will ensue along the way. Just gotta be patient.
This chapter was hard for me to write and I cannot really put my hoof on why exactly. I think it may be just the slow pace or the constant need for description. Leave any tips or revisions you have about my writing below.
As for future works, I have begun a crossover story, but I won't reveal with what. I can say that it will be mainly comedy though. So look for that in the near future.
Finally... Well actually that's all for now, but I wanted to use another ellipsis. I don't think I use enough of them.
Happy reading!
This sounds interesting. I think the shipping could work really well! Dash is herself, which... could lead to some romance troubles, and Scootaloo is herself, which--oh dear. They both still have a lot of growing up to do, but I think that's what makes them an interesting pair. I'm watching yooou!
Or at least the story. Take your pick.
>>Bashfluff
Glad you like where this is going! It might take another chapter or two, but the shipping will commence! The next chapter mind end up being mostly comedic though. On the other hoof, I haven't even begun to write the next chapter so who knows!?
This is grabbing my interest. ScootaDash shipping? Definitely a new one...
At least Scoots knows she can ask Dash for help when all this is over. She can say Scorchin' told her it was OK.
fantastic
The fact that this future work of art is not being completed any time soon is pissing me off!
438034 Yeah I'm working on the next chapter. This was my first fic and I still need to correct the first two chapters, but I will definitely have the next chapter soon.
Thank you my good Brony!!! BTW Matsuri was epic!
So hey everypony... Pickle here. I just want to say sorry for the Celestia-damned delay on this story. I just kept putting off getting this out. I feel really bad because I said for awhile that this would be out sooner, but yeah... sorry.
I've grown as a writer since the first two chapters, but I really hope that I can continue this story with all my passion. I seem to keep getting caught up writing other fics. Oh well, it's out and I hope you enjoy it. 
Now please tell me any revisions that can be made. Suggestions, comments, jokes, sexual preferences, I'd love to hear about anything!
Hopefully the next chapter will be out soon. I ended this one earlier than i would have preferred, but I wanted to get you all something. I'm working on other fics, so don't think I'm being lazy. I've got to work on The Show is Never Over, Professor Layton, Madame Pinkie Pie, Ponytics, and more. Stay Sunny!
so she's just back to normal after sleeping? I would have expected a reaction from her about changing back or writing it off as a dream until reminders come back or something... it just struck me as off
I guess. Interesting concept at least :) will definitely keep an eye on it.
633952 Lol there's more to it than that. I'm not just going to blow off that part of the story. I mean, I have Zecora working on a cure for it! The changing thing isn't over yet.
But she's normal again! how the hay didn't she realize it? Oh, and this will bug me to all ends if I don't tell you, but you need a proof reader. A whole lot ah grammar mistakes.
634146 Yeah, I know.
634214 Sorry, but it would have bugged me if I hadn't said anything.
But I love the story. Keep up the good work! 
634334 No I agree. I should probably read my shit more than I do...
Well I'm gonna fix it... maybe..
634518
nice. 
I totally forgot abt this story so its nice to see it again
634570
Me too. I'm diggin' it so far. I don't really read Scootaloo fics - after Final Dreams of a Filly, well...you get the idea.
634570 635541 Well SHIIIIT! It's cool to hear comments like this. I just hope between theatre, MLP Abridged, other fanfics, and other shit that I'll get the next chapter out soon. This makes me work all the harder.
*finishes re-reading to refresh his memory*
Filly by day, mare by night?
638932 Not exactly, but there is a pattern.
moar?
Not to sound rude but am I the only one who thinks that rainbow dash is acting like a child molester. She comes to the school with a sweaty and panicked look on her face, talks to 3 fillies then fly's off with one.
great story though.
Hello? Are you still alive?
2217613 nah, he's dead. KuKuKu...
2217613 2247690 Honestly, I didn't know people cared that much.
I've actually been busy working on Fiesta Equestria. I'll do some writing today though, just because of you guys.
2280951That's nice of you mate!
can you make a sequel??? it's an awesome story :D really :D thanks for write this