The Writers' Group56,392 stories ·9,291 members
Looking for Editors3,384 stories ·5,415 members
School for New Writers9,608 stories ·5,009 members
I Just Want a Comment15,704 stories ·3,671 members
Celestia Is The Best Pony2,578 stories ·2,887 members
Fleur de Lis525 stories ·661 members
Nothing lasts forever, seemingly not even death. When Princess Morningdew the Unicorn Celestia took the throne from returns. She means to take it back by any means. With an army at her side, what hope does Celestia, Canterlot and harmony have?
This is the sequel to http://www.fimfiction.net/story/58543/chrysalis-revenge and is set a month after the events of that story
Thanks to http://rinikka.deviantart.com/ for permission to use her pic as my cover art.
Page generated in 0.088 seconds
Total duration
1,040 users online
1,980,974 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This interview brought to you from Authors Helping Authors.
Title: Fallen Princess
Grammar Score(Out of Ten): 4(I'm afraid that there is quite a few errors thrown in here, most of them found in the very beginning and the very end. If you would like, I could point them all out to you later, but I'm afraid I simply don't have the time at the moment. Just comment back to me if you would like me to scan it over at some other time.)
Pros: The storyline, while obviously not being too far in, seems promising. You've set the stage very well, throwing in some foreshadowing and describing a dark scene/theme while not making it gorey and unattractive. The characters seemed pretty much like themselves, but sort of slipped a bit at some points. Be very careful with that. I also really like the attitude you've given Fleur. Other than those mistakes I've mentioned before, this is pretty good.
Cons: While your pacing is decent, your story could still be fleshed out a lot more, adding room for more details. Like I said before, there's a couple of tiny slip-ups with the characterization too, and those mistakes stick out quite a bit. Other than that, this is actually pretty nice.
Notes: There's not much else I could really say, but I will tell you that with a bit of polishing, this could actually be something I could really enjoy and follow(Always loved the Dark/Adventure tags.). Just keep going with it.
If you're satisfied with this review, I would appreciate it if you could review my story:The City of Gold
2122847
First off thanks for the review I will read and review your story either tonight or tomorrow, but hopefully tonight
I know my grammar sucks, I try to fix it but I still miss the small stuff.
I'm glad you like my Fleur, I tried to make her go against the grain. The whole dream vision thing sets her apart from the others.
You said I slipped a bit at some points. Might I ask who the character was and what the slip was. I'll bemore than happy to either fix or explain the slip.
Thanks for the review now I'm off to read yours!
2123615 Well, I guess it's not really a "slip" per say... I really could have worded it a bit better(I was rushed!). It's mainly that point close to the end, when Fleur is explaining her dream to Celestia. Fleur suddenly goes from a concerned mare to an angry snootle.(If you get that reference, you are officially God.) Celestia also suddenly shouted at FancyPants. I can understand why they did these things, but given their attitudes, I feel it would have sounded better if you had made them show their anger a little less verbally, like Celestia heaving a sigh, clearing her throat, or raising a hoof while her face turned red or something. Celestia isn't one to show flaws unless she has to and prefers to stay calm and collected, so while verbal anger needs to be used in certain situations, so does body language. As for Fleur, it's less strict due to her characterization, though I think her transition from concerned to really angry could be a tiny bit more defined. This is usually really hard, so I would suggest thinking about it a lot before even taking this advice.
Wow, that's... a lot longer than I suspected... anyway, I hope you liked your review, and my offer still stands if you'd like me to point some of the mistakes out for you. Whenever you can review is fine by me; there's no rush, so you don't have to worry.
Oh, and, um... keep writing? Yeah, keep writing!
~OfTheIronwilled
2123819
While Celestia is a Princess, she's still a pony. Keep in mind she was just basically told off by Fleur and Fancy tried to deffend her actions. As for Fleur she got mad because she went to Celestia with her worries and was basically told, she's not important enough to be told what's going on.
I hope you keep with it, becuase Chapter One is about halfway done. So keep tuning in
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Fallen Princess
Grammar score: 7/10
Pros: First, you create dramatic tension between characters well. These are characters who are friends, but still argue and keep secrets from each other, and it makes everything more interesting. Next, you have an intriguing mystery with Princess Morningdew to drive the narrative. And finally, the romantic subplot with AJ is pretty sweet.
Cons: I feel like the story needs more descriptive paragraphs. It's very dialogue-heavy, and while the dialogue is good, the whole story would feel a lot more fleshed out if it was beefed up with some more description and more paragraphs sharing what your POV characters are thinking and feeling. (This would also justify a couple of the characters' outbursts a little more.) Also, there are some grammatical errors that could be dealt with. (Especially in the story description and chapter names. The word "prologue" is misspelled, and this can chase readers away.) I liked your paragraph formatting in Chapter One, and I think the prologue would benefit from having the paragraphs separated the same way.
Notes: I really liked your description of Twilight's problems with becoming an alicorn. I think piling on the stress is a good way to bring out her character. Too bad she seems pretty oblivious to AJ's feelings... Those kinds of character drama moments are something you do well.
Enjoy your review! And thanks again for your review of Celestia in Excelsis.
2164025
Hey there sorry for the last response, I read it earlier but was on a tablet, so decided to wait until I got to my home CPU. I did change the spelling of Prologue.
I'm not really one to do shipping but I've been thinking of AppleTwi for awhile now. I wasn't sure just how to do Twilight adjusting as an Alicorn, but since the town always seems to turn to her. I would think it would just get worse. As for Morning Dew, well lets just say when she finally comes into the story, she's going to make things interesting.
Dialouge heavy has always been my weakness. I just feel that dialouge tells alot of the story. I am trying to be more descriptive though. I am going to have to go into the Prolouge and fix the spacing. For whatever reason even though it's spaced in MS Word, it doesn't show up when I copy and paste.
Thanks for the review and hope you follow this story.
This interview brought to you from Authors Helping Authors.
Title: Fallen Princess
Grammar Score(Out of Ten): 7
Pros: the story seems intruiging to me, a darker tone hidden underneath it I can sense. The emotional side of Twilight dealing with becoming an alicorn is different than most stories which I like. The different interactions with characters and what they are feeling brings the reader into the story
.
Cons: the story had good dialogue, but the descriptive side of the fic seems lacking. It is pretty much just having the characters in unknown areas. Some conversations between characters have good dialogue, but lack the internal thoughts that would be going on. Some sentence structures need revision, specifically the first chapter
Notes: The story itself seems iteresting and makes me want to see what happens next. Being a fan of dark stories, I already have a more possitive feeling for the story.
I hope you enjoyed this review
2191331
I try to stay as true to the characters but still dive deeper into them as I write. This is why you see alot of Twilight, Applejack and Rarity, with Rainbow Dash sometimes taking center stager but almost never Pinkie or Fluttershy despite the fact I like them.
My latest chapter does have some more description in it. I like dialouge so I use alot of it. If you could give insight on the whole internal thought thing, I would be grateful.
I appreciate your review :)