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Three months after the wedding a new Unicorn meets Twilight. To make matters worse it looks like she might replace her. Meanwhile Queen Chrysali returns with some dark secrets of her own. The mane six have more than their fair share of problems including facing those they viewed as friends.
Finally was able to get a cover for this. Visit the source and make sure to view his page while I post the link here as well.
http://afl316.deviantart.com/art/Celestia-Vs-Chrysalis-306117571
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Too short, and too fast.
Needs to be expanded on.
Comments are haikus.
1491308
Only the first chapter give it time.
No, no, I like it, it's just that this first chapter is like, five chapters long-- only condensed into 1000 words. You could expand it into 5000 words and I'd read it.
It just needs little details and maybe a bit more subtlety.
Um, really? Why does Shooting Star say 'our friends', when she's never met them? Are you trying to make Celestia seem mean, because I would expect her to be more sensitive to her position in Twilight's life and her letters. Even if it is an assignment, they are kind of personal. I could understand Celestia sharing them with Luna given the unique situation there, but she seems to callously hand out what amounts to Twilight confessing to mistakes to another student. It's like Celestia is utterly oblivious to what the REAL Twilight Sparkle is like and the things that might bother her, despite having witnessed the whole 'Want it, Need it' catastrophe.
Also, be careful with the play out there. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to just throw in another Unicorn who is so much "better" than Twilight Sparkle and also is so much more social. Maybe it will get better, but I hope there's more substance to her than that and she's not totally flawless somehow. I mean I don't expect that Twilight has been super practice mode with rock lifting, but I would expect the record to be pretty hard to beat if Twilight broke it. This might all make a bit more sense if we had a time reference here. If Twilight is Celestia's first student in a long time, how is there another one in such a short period?
1492656
Some of it will be explained in the next chapter. As for the timeline I really don't have a clue, I guess it would do good to make something up about that. I guess this is where having a proofreader would be handy
All I can really do is edit, edit, edit and try to fix the mistakes.
1492729
Oh, okay. Heh, proofreaders are good -- of course you might just want to make notes for future writing and go back to them in a chapter or two. Kinda wish I had the time to do proofreading or the like (not that I have any qualifications) -- but this site already eats far more of my time than I should allow. I've run across several stories that seemed like there might be something there for a foundation of a story but got mangled in poor writing written too fast and with awful grammar/spelling.
I'm not even much of a writer, I've got a few thousand abandoned words from past attempts at nanowrimo that I may never look at again just because I'm too lazy to do anything to them in my free time such that it is.
1493425
I appreciate any and all help I can get as long as it's creative. I generally don't review or leave comments just becuase I'm not really sure what I can add that hasn't been said. Thanks for the review and hope you keep reading.
Holy crap! Celestia is definitely not herself here. Please make this better, more positive. Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaaeaaaaase!
1504563
All I can say is that it will get worse for our Sun Princess before it gets better.
Last time i checked Shooting Star is a colt i mean i did make him
1529956
My Shooting star is a mare unicorn, Sorry if you think I copied you, that was not the case.
1530088 I know i just think that its funny
Well, buck...Seems things just got -very- real.
1859459
Ya think?
What is the big secret? Is she becoming an alicorn?
Well that got real very quickly!
o_O! Now what?? Update soon!
(Why is there no Luna or NMM amoticon? :()
Damn cliffhanger!!
1933076
Muahahahaha!
*Evil hand rubbing*
*spoiler alert* It's Twi, burning with rage for Chrysalis attacking her mentor. She epicly destroys Chrysalis and saves the day. That's the end of the story.
This review comes to you by Mania Man, member of Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: Chrysalis' Revenge
Writer: RickyB
Grammar Score: 7.6/10 I think you may need to get a better proofreader or go through it yourself. There were several areas in which you had capitalization errors, such as forgetting to uppercase the S in Surprise, or capitalizing 'the' in a few instances. You also seemed to lack a few periods.
Pros:
1. The buildup to the action was filled with background information (I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff)
2. The fight scene with Celestia going nuts was quite well done.
3. You seem deadset on finishing the story.
Cons:
1. You always had a few grammatical errors, I suggest you fix those.
2. Your pacing seemed slightly off.
3. Most of the time, you described things quite well, but you should work on using all of the sences.
Notes: Alright, it wasn't that bad, but it wasn't too good either. There were times when we expected something to happen, and it did. You should probably take things a little differently and not make the ideas so obvious. In regards to this, there were also times where we expected something to happen, but the story completely changed cource and made a U-turn with the ideas. You should find the alance between
(continuing on from the last comment...)
The balance between the expected and the unexpected.
I am done.
2014966
Thanks for the review, it's much appreciated.
2015095 No prob, I do reviews like that all the time, even not when invoking the power of Authors Helping Authors, and I'm somewhat difficult to please.
Waitasec, Tartarus? She? Her? Something in me says.....SEQUEL!
Ah, so you've got a proof reader. My only comments so far here is too fast, needs detail and yeesh so many comma splice errors! Three in the first paragraph...But I can't comment on content at the moment, I'll take a gander around and look for development
Spelling errors here and there, lots of comma misplacement and a few omitted words. This chapter was better paced, still fast, but explained somewhat. The story feels jumpy, but I feel that you're tying it all together shortly at this point. Shall continue.
Same basic errors as before, but less comma splicing. Story pacing improving, and characterization is slightly better. Some development is in order
Okay...Random bit of twisting here. Same grammar errors, and now a few misused exclamation marks. Commas are your downfall! (That's a joke, by the way)
Also, you've taken a peak scene and instead of answering questions, you've just added more. Although it is interesting, it is also frustrating to keep track of so many unresolved conflicts. Character development takes a knock as a result. It is, though, a very good concept, just needs refining.
God, you're gonna tear my story apart after this aren't you...?
Read in a bit of a disjointed tone, and conflict was resolved so quickly! But I guess the show was like that.
You wrapped everything up, but left more than half your threads loose, but since I'm only halfway, the questions are intended, I assume
I think I've said most of what I can say without being subjective too much, there we go! Great concept, better than most in process. Have a good one.
I wanted to like this story. I liked the initial concept but the pacing needs work as it's all over the place. The story is also hurt by bringing up the past Chrysalis has with Celestia at the beginning and NEVER explaining it. That's a broken promise to the reader that hurts you. You also have some very basic grammar issues with multiple times using the word "where" instead of "were."
Also if you don't understand what I mean by broken promises I offer this very useful podcast.