When Twilight gets a strange book, her and Rainbow Dash get cursed. That made it so that the're normal by day but ghost by night. Their hearts are no longer working. But they will soon realize that it was a good thing. Their friendship got stronger, every night they have the time of there lives.
Takes place before "Magical Mystery Cure"
Thanks to studentofdust for the cover.
Thanks to Rainbow87dash for ideas and support
Thanks to DaemoN67 and TheSnarkKnight30 for editing
Thanks to FreeFraQ for the art
Chapters (20)
Premise is kind of neat, but the writing could use work and it doesn't seem like there's much of a plot yet.
Also if the Tragedy tag is there just because they're "cursed" you should probably remove it. Tragedy implies a tragic end; it's not really a tragedy unless this curse costs them dearly by the end of the story, like all their friends hate them despite all their efforts, or they are killed permanently due to a misunderstanding over it.
It's Through Not thru
Also
Sound better if she said "I ain't afraid of no ghost!" Rainbow stated, acting tough
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“Oh no!” Twilight said worryingly.
“What?” Rainbow asked.
“We’re dead.”
I see what you did there!
2073193 Thanks I will fix them now
I did see.
dtlux1
2074640 Now you know
off to a good start keep it up
Hmmm I'm picturing a scene where RD is messing with AJ. I'll it in a PM
Uh wouldn't Celestia see through that lie?
Well she probably would put it off as strange behaviour
2083789 The truth is that she does but she will explain that in another chapter
Spoilers! Applejack dies of a hart attack.
2098463 If you wanted it to go that direction I can do that. Or you can write a side fic
2098527
I'm just joking. In reality it would detract from the story I believe. As for me writing...
Lets not discuss that madness.
2098587 no problem
A nice funny chapter.
2135208>>2135292 This chapter didn't seem funny to me
2135309 really? I found the moment with Celestia funny.
2135549 Rainbow87dash came up with parshall. he just said a prank would happen. I made the rest up
Your description of your story has an error. You say 'There' instead of 'Their'.
2148582 thanks I will fix it
Thanks
I've noticed you keep switching between past and present tense
Like that /\
Try keep it all past tense if Hu can like this \/
"well lets find a way to get to the ghost world at daytime. C'mon let go," Twilight trotted Olof the hospital, Rainbow following behind her. They traveled through the town to the library. They stormed into the library, Rainbow Dash locking the door behind them.
2177524 thanks
Seriously? You did it again, you keep switching between past and present tense
Also
Twilight put a cloud walking spell on herself and Rainbow Dash lifted her up to the cloud ,closest to the one Derpy was laying on. She then took the spell book out (from where?) and lit up her horn, beggining to say the incantation.
but it pretty much means the same thing,)
(incantation sounds cooler that 'magic words'
I think I see what's wrong with your writing, your not uses any compound sentences, try using and, but, so, also, because....
Oh and
Sorry what?
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yo dawg we heard you like mountains, so we put a mountain inside your mountain
2192640c Thanks bud. I will fix that
Interesting story, a bit rushed, but continue.
Again compound sentences, didn't see a single and or but in there
Have you got an editor yet?
2198354 I have one but I never asked for help
I edited the first quarter of this chapter for you, it should be... Better. Try writing the rest of the chapter with this example. (if you can)
You really need this story editing mate, a few compound sentences would make all the difference
Hate to say it but it couldn't have happened to 2 worse ponnies
2198707 Oh yeah thanks for reminding me I have to put something in the authors notes. Somepony on Fan Fiction.net gave me that Idea in the comments
Do you have any editors/pre-readers? Cause i can see quite a few errors just by glancing through it. You use the word Never way too loosely, it's an absolute word. Also, dialogue is a tad forced. The story seems interesting though
2201245 I have one and I'm starting to work with Nonagon with it
2201716 Well that sounds like some good news. Can't wait to read the edited version, this is going on my 'read later' for now.
I want to read this, the idea seems very interesting... it is just nearly impossible to get into it with the writing as it is. For example-
The lavender unicorn used her magic to look at the books one by one. She looked at every book that passed her. But they were all books that she all read.
-
Ok look at the books one by one, look at every book. you just said the same thing twice. try something like- The lavender unicorn used her magic to spin the books around her as she looked at them one afer another, scrutenizing each book that passed her carefully.
And the problem is repeaded again as you say all books that she all read. Should be Unfortunately all the books were ones she had already read.
or something similar. it would make the readibility considerably greater.
Try looking for a proofreader or someone to help, because i would like to see where this idea is going, but it is pretty close to unreadable at this point.
I noticed that u kept saying are instead of our. Usually in the dialougue. Also wouldn't the grim reaper be smart enough not to fall for that kind of trick I mean he knows when a pony dies. So y the crap doesn't he know that Derpy isn't dead?! 1 other mistake. Y doesn't the portal open up to the library like before. I predict that ponies will think that Twin and RD have killed Derpy and ran away. Lets see if I'm right
I noticed a lot of grammer issues ( hope that was spelled right ) good on ya mate ( used regardless of gender and I'm not an Aussie I just like to say it that way) for killing Diamond and Spoon. How will the CMC react I wonder. How will their families react. And how will Twi and RD react. Cant wait to see AJ and RD interact after AJ wakes up. I don't consider myself an grammar Nazi but ive read too many books and mangaand fan fics to not notice these mistakes. U use a lot of past tense instead of present tense. Biggest example is at the morgue. AJ lay or lays not lied. I suggest an editor. But choice is Ur's. No pressure. Keep up the good work.
2215567 I came up with something to fix that problem so thanks for pointing that out
I am with the crusaders time for a party.
This has voice dictation program written all over it. There's a lot of wrong words that sound vaguely like the right one (e.g. are/our, raft/wrath). Ditch the program and go with a keyboard.
i think that dimond, silvers death and applejacks .. "reborn" are both good news after all
yeah and.. where is Luna i tought she is playing some important role in this cool story
Lots of grammar mistakes. Also u really need to make distinctions about where the ponies r at as well as who they r talking too cuz this is getting confusing when the dialogue hits and the grammar usage there is already hard to interpret. U shudder use ur proofreader or just fire them and get another. Still love the story but its getting really hard to picture where everyone is.
Its a great chapter but there are still grammar issues. Also with the detective busting down the door. Why did you have Twilight say that she had no proof? That just makes her look guilty.
Also. FIRST
2256282 First I want to have a say that even if TheSnarkKnight30 can't find all of the mistakes I made. I can't find all of the mistakes I made. No body is perfect. Even if I try to have no mistakes I will still have mistakes. I started off witting very short chapters and then I changed. Nonagon even makes mistakes, and hes a good editor. If I write a chapter that I look though and I think I should release then I do it. An editor takes a long time for me. I actually try to work with editors. Nonagon told me that there was a problem with the description of this story. I only fixed one but he was telling me there was another. I couldn't spot that. I'm just not that guy who has that power. No one has perfect grammar and I except that. All I want to do is write so I can keep everyone enjoying this. And I do this on my down time when I feel bad. And I want everyone in the world to enjoy it.
I will try to restate that line Twilight says.
I fixed about 70% of the mistakes. I didn't really have the time to look at the beginning of the chapter. I fixed the majority of the mistakes at the end. Maybe I could take another look at it. I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
By the way, Sprinklejinx doesn't just arrest ponies. That would be totally out of character.Professional Detectives need some kind of evidence to prove them guilty in court before she could have them arrested. She only uses her shovel when people don't answer her interrogation questions, attack her, or run away. She doesn't just bonk ponies on the head like a caveman. She has to have a reason for it. Other than that, everything else seems okay. Keep up the good work!
2267449 Good luck. If you need help I can help.
well, genies never play fair. this can't end well.
2267497 Twist ending