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A Spartan Team is sent on a mission to scout a Defense station due to a Covenant interference. Due to a slip-space accident the entire station along with a damaged frigate ends up in the orbit of Equis. Commander Luke has to repair the damaged frigat to return home but, when they scout the unknown planet they discover something that the UNSC has never encountered.
All criticism allowed. I'm sure that i will need an editor. Credit will be given for editing.
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DUDE! WTF?! THEY GAVE A LOT OF CLASSIFIED INFO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
other than that i like the history :)
Gave away to much info on what they were and why not just take the pelicans to the space station.
Yes yes good good neef more
I think you keep messing up name placement, like Celestia and the A.I.
Try to get an editor or at least a proofreader. It will help you in spades.
- You have several grammatical errors, such as; Lack of commas & punctuation and missing words.
- You also really need to flesh out the dialog. It's not enough with X said/answered/replied/....
You need to describe it more, at the very least go like:
- If you have to place the X said before the speaker says their piece, do it as the quote right above and not like below.
This way, it sounds like it is Cadence that talk about the war and someone unknown replies ''W...war?''! Instead you should go:
PS: As other have said, they do give out to much classified information.
You should also have in mind that this is a first contact for both parties.
And after Celestia and Luna just heard how dangerous the universe beyond their planet is, I would not be surprised that they would want to work out an opportunity for an potential alliance.
And most importantly... remember, 'practice makes perfect!'
2061962
i know that's why on the author's notes i stated that i needed and editor
2064472 Um
... Kinda overlooked that. But the points still stand though.
Follow the links and put up the positions for adoption on them. That might speed up the time it'll take to get someone who will actively help.
congrats you just got all those Spartans charged with treason and executed
I hope your happy also the spacing needs to be fixed.
the spacing was horrible and I cannot unnderstand who is saying fuck.
Spacing and punctuation needs fixing.
Other than that, your doing great!
2083687
yeah i have gotten that i still need and editor
2084808
Sorry im too busy
Otherwise i would
Spartan dont die and thay won't be capturerd.
Been done before. A dollar for every time I see a halo cross-over. What's so freaking amazing about Halo? It's just your average FPS, there is nothing extraordinary about it. You could've, you know, actually created your own universe, and then made a cross-over. Tis infuriating.
Ugh...
I read half of that chapter and couldn't look at another word. The plot is good, but the way you write it is HORRIBLE. I advise getting a pre-reader and editor ASAP.
2103047 The only reason for Halo is because there's not as much story in CoD to be used in a crossover.
Also, dat armor.
2075516 I'm usually the one saying fuck. I think AJ was the one who said "Spartans never back down," though that could've been Doctor Halsey.
turn them over? what does that mean
2103047
then why are you here?
2103631
Well... It's just like... My opinion, man.
2103657
still, you dont like halo crossovers, why would you be in this one then?
2103667
To tell people that I don't like it, obviously! You're so silly.
2103685
and still, 99% of the people dont care, why are you here?
2103708
Because I'm bored?
Well, that, and you keep responding for some reason.
2103724
and im bored too, and you keep replying to me why?
2103796
We're both bored. That explains it.
If it's to much to ask, can you use the Names of the spartans other than their number? I am getting extremely confused of who is who and what is what because of all these numbers. And also, you really could use a proofreader, but other than that, it's a great story that I am interested in
2104691
i'll try to use their names more often. and i'm still looking for an editor or proofreader. still no luck but i'll keep looking
the shit just got real
Just sent you a Private message. I can edit for you.
Wow. Needs some serious revision and is moving at a very fast pace.
I'm pretty sure you kow this, but when did celestia and her group become spartans? I knew what was goig on, but it was still cofusing. I wpuld help with editing, but I don't have computer access. (I am on a playstation vita)
blame any of my spacing and spelling miatakes on my vita's touch screen.
2176278 its based off of halo, of course it'll be fast paced.
@SPkon117 If I can gain computer access, I can be your editor.
3100333
Celestia and her ponies dont become spartans not really into ponies becoming spartan since they dont have any hands and i dont think they can take everything humanity has gone through during the war. but hey give me you opinion i'll like to hear your's. not sure when i'll finish the next chapter since i'm still working on my other stories.
You REALLY need an editor. I can't even read this at half my normal speed.
I'm confused is shining a Spartan? Or is this a mess up