After a perfect date with the mare of his dream, Spike wakes up to find a distraught Rarity. Rarity, unfortunately, has some awful news for Spike.
*DISCLAIMER* There are hints of clop in this story but no actual naughty stuff.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 14th Jul, 2012
- offline last seen Aug 25th, 2015
TheBanteringBrony
Dinosaurs and ponies. Story of my life.
TheBanteringBrony
Joined 14th Jul, 2012 ·
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I like it and glade there is no clop
like for using adult themes but not falling in to deep.
Meh. It's decent. I can't really point out anything specifically wrong, just not what holds my interest. I am interested in what else you have written though.
Good photo by the way.
A sample of things I'd change:
Early morning in Ponyville - Fragment. Add "It was" or merge it with the next sentence (better imo). Although this is fine if you intend it stylistically (like you do when describing the memories, later)
it’s - its
every morning... morning song Well, they wouldn't generally greet the morning with a nighttime song. Maybe another descriptor?
While the birds were active, very few ponies had even got out of bed, the weekend was for resting after all right? - "While the birds were active, very few ponies had even gotten out of bed. After all, wasn't the weekend meant for resting?"
Last night, he remembered everything - You actually _mean_ that right now, he is remembering things that happened last night, but the order you constructed it gives a different meaning. "He suddenly remembered everything that had happened last night."
You have a lot of similar things (grammar, spelling) that beg for this to be thrown into Word or something with a review function.
Rarity seemed to go from blubbering to giggling rather quickly. She was told she can't have children with her lover. You never really clarify the inter-species issue, since they both move on to imply that children ARE possible, but they're just not going to have them right now. So...expand on this! Can they find a way to have children (even if they would be freaks!)? Can they live just being happy with each other? Was Twilight full of crap?
2005353
This comment. I like it.
I'll see how the other chapters come along. I'll admit I'm a bit lazy.
2005379
Truthfully I really wanted this to be clop at first, but I can't bring myself to type that stuff. I'll freely admit I'm a pervert but I can't create porn worth shit.
Interestingly well written. I like the pairing, and I'm glad the only clop is in implication.
As for the concept, one I've seen and played with myself several times, and am interested in seeing where it goes.
If you don't happen to have any ideas for plot to continue this, I ahve a literal plethora of ideas to share if you're interested.
2005447
Thank you!!!!!
I fixed a lot of the grammar you pointed out.
And you're right about that big error I made. To specify, in this story it is biologically impossible for a pony and dragon to have offspring.(However they can have sex. >.>) And then I go into how they don't have time for kids... Man I feel stupid. I'll get right on this.
2005447
Okay, I made them address the biology problem. Phew.
2005483
I have a few ideas where to take this. But what I am curious about other stories like this. How do they handle this?
2005594
Well, in some it winds up leading to the end of their relationship.
In most it leads to Spike becoming a pony, with various results.
In a few, it leads to Rarity becoming a dragon with various results.
My personal favorite, however, is when it results in magic making science it's b****, to the amazement of most and amusement of Discord.
Awww I hope the Princesses can come up with something to help.
How bout' adoption?
2005942
Somepony is a mind reader.
Turn Spike into a stallion and let her have it. There's your solution.
So twilight knows this from a book? I tough kirins were the product of dragons and another species, well it's your story anyways liking it so far.
Or they go at it like Chinese rabbits and make a kirin.
Very nice premise, even if it does (and I don't care about this) fly in the face of evidence to the contrary. Dragons are known for their ability to breed, successfully, with just about anything. Gods, horses, griffins, sea serpents, even humans!
Still, I think Discord might know a bit more about magic than any silly book Twilight has. We'll wait and see.
2006472
2006462
I actually know in universes like DND and others that dragons can mate and have offspring with pretty much anything. >.>
But for the sake of this story they can't have kids.
I can understand the theme of the story but in fantasy canon in general dragons and ponies/horses/equines can breed together and produce kirins.
It was alright. Not perfect, but it was alright. Worth an upvote and favourite.
This can't be a oneshot story. I'm guessing they're only choice for having foals/whatever is either adoption or going to Twilight or Celestia to see if theres a spell that could turn Spike into a pony long enough to knock up Rarity. And just cause Twilight had a book doesn't mean it's true. A good part of the time people will print their own personal opinion as the truth even if its false.
You have Rainbow dash instead of Rainbow Dash at one point. Not bad, but I suspected Spike to have a solution when he asked Rarity if she really wanted it. Also, I suspected adoption to come up. It would be nice to see the book be wrong just based off the fact Ponies know next to nothing about dragons really. And considering dragons disposition for ponies, the source pool must be slim.
2006875 Or Discord, because Chaos Magic!
2006926 I agree with the great Path_of_Cloud. Given how dragons and ponies view eachother plus how old is the info in the book and how reliable was the writer, wouldn't be suprised if the book was wrong. I doubt there've been dragons just willing to tell ponies everything there is to know about dragons.
Every body is giving great advice! I'm considering either taking this story down the adoption route or the Twilight is mistaken route. It's kind of up in the air right now. Or maybe were due for a storm of Discords chaos?
I'm probably gonna take the bitch out of this, and say that there should be two conclusions--one which Spike and Rarity are incompatible, meaning that even though they can have as much physical fun as they like (fuck like rabbits, for those that don't mind being explicit), and that magic has to be used to make them compatible.
Option 2 is simple...use what other persons have said earlier and say it once and for all to contact Twilight or someone to truly see if they are compatible even if they are dragon and pony, needing that dragon sperm can fertilize a pony embryo. I'm of the belief that sperm is sperm in this case regardless. Or just adopt somepony. I'm sure Rainbow Dash sure isn't about having a kid. Better yet, how about adopting the chicken???
Note. I haven't read this in person yet, i have just read the comments to get a general idea of what's happening. Once I've read it, I can make more informative comments about the story.
2007063
Nah, Discord's more of a chimera than a draconequus, though some draconequui are considered chimeras, they're not really the same. Chimeras are made of parts from all kinds of creatures which is what Discord is, while Draconequui can be either born or made, and are generally just a combination of dragon and horse, or pony in this case, which are what the offspring of Spike and Rarity would most likely be. There are also Kirin and Longmas, which are basically different versions of the same thing, Dragon-Horse Hybrids, so there's that....
Whoa! That was really weird seeing that Rarity image. That was done originally for one of my stories. I'm glad it is getting some more use. The guy who made it does amazing work.
I like the premise, and I'm sure with enough time, magic, and random princesses and demigods of chaos they can find some way to have children.
But the writing itself feels very forced, and the story jumps from one point to the next too fast. Take some time to develop the scene before you jump to the next one.
Oh,and on a separate topic, Kirin are their own breed of mythological beast, not a mix of dragon and equine. Dragon crossbreeds usually produce a chimera.
Chapter 2 is up!
First off, Discord is hard to write for and I hope I did his character justice.
Also, I feel like one of my weaknesses is that I don't go into enough detail or things get a little redundant. I guess I can only get better at writing as time goes on.
Thanks so much for all your feedback guys.
Not a bad story, not bad at all. Hehe, neutered chaos god.
2012943
Well, the last episode kind of made him a pushover.
Looks interesting! Track'd
A story concept that I can't say I've seen before. (or at least not done this well)
And there we see the real good that comes from Discord being "Redeemed": He may now randomly drop in without an excuse
Also, do these two emoticons go suspiciously well together?
2012862
You, dear sir, just made my day
awesome update is awesome!!
Anyway, as for going into detail... you don't have to be a manic about it, but maybe add a few words here and there, just to give the reader a better idea of what they're supposed to be seeing.
E.g.
'...Discord as he sat in a large armchair. He had a suit and glasses on. “Now tell me...” He took out a pad of paper and pen. He cleared his throat...'
...Discord as he sat back in a large armchair, a black suit now dressing his mismatched frame, and a set of round glasses adoring his face. "Now tell me..." He started, a pen and pad of paper appearing from thin air as he cleared his throat...'
That's just my advice anyway.
Nice to see them consider the adoption thing but I wouldn't rule out them having a child together the regular way. Like it was stated, any info on dragons known is either totally obvious,outdated or just speculation.
Oh that whacky Discord.
I knew adoption would be a route to go to in this story. Still, I do wonder what child they would chose to adopt.
Do keep up the good work.
Mythological creatures from the East... Kirin/Qilin (dragon-horse...though in some countries it varies to ox or deer) Chinese omen of serenity and or prosperity.
conceptart.org/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=1418281&stc=1&d=1328723375
Kinda bad ass and if you look on DA there is some crazy stuff
But Discord, your species literally means dragon equine in Latin!
Good chapter.
OHHHHH MAN, some of Discord's lines really caught me off guard, so funny.
Its good, keep up the good work.
2013738
Learn something new everyday.
Can't stop laughing at Discord's antics. You wrote him very well.
Great chapter overall. Of course, at some point someone's going to bring up that dragons lay eggs and ponies give live birth...probably just after Rarity ends up pregnant, leading to freakouts over whether or not it's healthy for her to carry the baby to term and whether the baby will be viable...and then if you want to earn a sad/dark tag, there could be a HUGE emotional rollercoaster when she miscarries.
2014284
Hmmm, lots of good advice.
only Chaos could come up with such a obvious question/answer
that works so well
Ive always liked Discord. though still Luna/Nyx/Derpy for favorites
Discord was absolutely perfect!!!
2014673
I'm very good at coming up with "WHat if" scenarios of varying degrees of crazy.
I mean, the fact that Twilight Sparkle and Raven of Teen Titans have the same VA led me to speculating a TT/MLP body swap crossover...