Memories, what is a memory? Is it merely the electrical sparks that happen in our brain to pull up a certain chain of thoughts that paint a picture of a past that may or may not have happened? Is it something that is irrefutable, will always be right at all times and if you recall it then it happened some how some way? Or is it something beyond that? When someone passes, do they move on, or are our memories all that remain of them? Or, perhaps, do they exist only within their own memories?
Chapters (1)
Ow, my feels.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mc3g3kxIYy1rihxwyo1_500.gif
I really like the premise of the story - it has a lot of potential. But it was very hard for me to read through this story because of its grammar, spelling, structure, and style problems. I could see what you were trying to do much of the time - which is a good thing! - but too often one or more of those problems destroyed your story's credibility and readability.
I should choose a better example, but I noticed this one before I even started reading: 18 out of 28 paragraphs start with the word Octavia, ten of which are consecutive. When I see something like that in any kind of published text, it looks - on the surface - like more of a catalog than anything else. This kind of thing will drag a story down without even trying. Just pick up any novel and flip through: You will never find this happening more than two paragraphs in a row (if even that) - ever - unless the author has deliberately chosen to do it for effect.
I could go through and give you more examples but it might seem like I'm trying to pick apart your story, which has some great potential.
So I'm not trying to bag on you or your skill, but I really feel you should keep working on this one. FWIW I'd like to see it improved.
1937114
First of all, thank you for commenting. Your point there is an interesting one that I started thinking about, but kinda kept forgetting as I was writing this. I had a plan for how I wanted this to go, and due to the times that I was writing on it I kept forgetting that particular bit of the style that I was attempting to achieve.
I'd like to address one thing though, the spelling is UK standard spelling, since I'm not originally from the US I learned a bit of a different spelling.
Anyway, a good portion of those things were implemented intentionally. If you wouldn't mind I really would like hearing a more detailed explanation as to what you thought was wrong with the story. I'm always looking to improve, and sometimes experimental stories like this can be a bit hard to nail down as to how to structure them. So please , all and any criticism you can give is welcome. I would like you to try and explain it logically to me though, because I'd like to see your thought process and why you thought a certain bit could be improved.
As for the bit you did mention, what I wanted to do was play with the idea of fading memories with the idea that the name would fade out over the course of the Fic, being heavy and forbearing at the front of the story but receding off and tapering off as the fic goes on, until nearly disappearing just before the climax. It could certainly be handled more skilfully, but I'd rather see what else you thought could use some improving before I start on a major revision of the fic.
Cheers,
~HPL
1937284 I appreciate your taking my criticism so well. I always worry when I write something critical of someone else's work. I'm hyper-critical of my own, and I don't like to come off as an expert trying to tell anyone how to write. But I do have a pretty solid grasp of the English language, and I read a lot of different types of fiction. I know what I like.
I really thought about it, and I don't honestly know if I could offer advice on the structure of your writing without changing the story and making it mine, and I don't want to do that. Does that make sense? I understand that the circumstances of your story make some disjointedness very appropriate, but the actual flow of the story could improve to make the telling of it less chaotic and more meaningful by the end. Much of that flow would improve by correcting grammar, alone.
As far as UK spelling: I'm aware of the difference and I never have a problem with it, so I would never point that out as a flaw. I was born and raised in California, but I always found the UK spelling of many words to be a bit more elegant, anyway. You actually have very few actual misspellings, but a lot more incorrect uses of words, like "breathed" instead of "breath", etc (I'm not just talking about tense, here).
Some grammatical things could be changed to tighten things up. For example:
Story: "So, it was clear what she needed to use. Herself, after all the object would not be lost or harmed. It seemed so obvious."
My thought: "So it was clear what she needed to use: Herself. After all, the object would not be lost or harmed. It seemed so obvious."
There is quite a lot of that kind of error in this story. It's just basic grammar, but more correct use of it really would make the story read better.
Another thing you could improve is avoiding repetition of themes in your sentences:
"Octavia slumped upon a bench, laying down." Slumping and laying down are two different things, but you made it sound like one action with two different words. A better wording could be:
"Octavia slumped upon a bench, and then lay down, heavy and weary" or something. You could even move the fact that she laid down further on in the paragraph. That way when she slumps, the action is much more effective: "Octavia slumped down upon a bench" and in a later sentence, "She lay down and yawned, closing her eyes again."
Another example:
"Octavia gasped, her breath falling short." Different sentence, different meaning, but same idea. "Octavia gasped." would work so much better with the sentence that follows it (it increases the tension instead of softening it).
It can be hard to not describe everything to the reader, because you want so much for them to understand your intent. But deliberately not giving the reader every detail actually makes the reading flow much better, and it gives their own imagination and emotional response some room to operate, which is a lot more fun. You - normally - just want to point them in the direction you want them to go, not show them how to put one foot in front of the other. So to speak.
The best thing I can offer to make improvements on your writing (after making sure spelling and grammar, etc, are good) is something I do: I lay down a sentence, or a paragraph, or a chapter until my idea is solidly laid down (so I don't lose the stream or details of an idea). Then and I go back through and read it, asking myself about pretty much every word and sentence: "Does this make sense? Is it confusing? Does it tie in well with everything else? How does it make me feel when I read it as though someone else wrote it?" I listen to my feelings about it and if something is off, I find a way to fix it: I either leave it be for a time and come back to it later, or I run it through my head until an answer comes to me. Your mileage may vary.
Sorry, about the length. I hope I didn't put you to sleep or worse, offend you.
1937284
Oh hey, a UK (even if ex-UK or whatever) person. Brohoof.
The other guy makes good points.
1938017
Quality comment. All these are good points. I didn't spot any spelling, it was simply that the structure seemed odd. remember when you're giving constructive criticism that if they take it badly it's not actually a problem for you, you can back off or state that you were trying to help. (Not that the author did this, in fact the author has done very nicely here. You just seemed insecure in your comment.)
Anyway, in terms of problems outside of structure, I felt that some of the 'feels' fell slightly flat. I'm a dead soul inside so perhaps its just me, but not understanding what happened, the mystery, detracted from the 'feels'. It wasn't a huge thing though.
Good job, just think about structure more. I suggest looking for a pre-reader (you could join a group). They can help out a lot if you ask them for advice on that.
1938151
(Not that the author did this, in fact the author has done very nicely here. You just seemed insecure in your comment.)
I agree on both counts.
1938017
Thanks, I'll take these into mind and give it a look over later today. I can completely agree with the things you've mentioned and I'm certain that with a revision I can make this a much better story. I'm very grateful that you'd take your time to help me improve. Shows even someone who's been professionally published can make mistakes and has plenty of room to improve.
1938151
Actually, I'm not from the UK, I'm from Australia. I mostly default to the UK spelling though sheerly by the fact that most programs don't have an Aussie spell-check, and since I suck at spelling I kinda rely on spell-check. So I set it to UK spelling because that's pretty close to what I learned early on. So yeah, I'll brohoof you even though your ancestors abandoned my ancestors (Though not really since neither of my parents are actually native Aussies) on a poisonous island. =Þ
As for finding a pre-reader, I already had a few with this though they didn't pick much out of this. This could be either because A) They were tired at the time, B) They're used to how I write or C) Just missed it. I might as well check for groups anyway. Always good to have as many opinions as possible. Group genius after all, those who look with one thousand eyes are often first to find the grain of rice upon the floor.
1938601 You've very welcome! I was glad to do it.
"I'll brohoof you even though your ancestors abandoned my ancestors on a poisonous island."
Damn, thanks for sharing that! Totally made me laugh out loud.
Brohoofs all around!
1938821
Yeah brohoof. You know we totally need a brohoof emote. That would be awesome, but in the meantime this will have to suffice:
cdn.derpiboo.ru/thumbs/1900/900/2012/12/27/02_09_12_893_194272__UNOPT__safe_rarity_image_macro_reaction_image_brohoof
1938993 That works. I'm surprised there isn't much out there brohoofish. Or brohoovish.
But also, this.
i.imgur.com/EvUBN.jpg
I knew I would be sad should I read this. Why did I read this?
I don't know.
Well, I'll admit, it was good. Liked and Faved.
But I still think I'm going to cry.
1938601
I think I've been trounced here. Curses.
jesus mary mother of fuck if that wasn't the BEST dark/tragedy i have ever fucking read.
you...are now followed.
4743274
Thank you for the glowing praise. This is honestly one of my more favourite stories I've written, though a mixture of how early it was when it was published, both for the site and myself, and the fact that people tend to skip Dark/Tragedy stories has had it come up short of a lot of readers. I also think this might have been a flash in a bottle, and I'm not sure i'd ever be able to accurately write something as unnerving again. I'd like to try, but I've got other things that I'm working on at the moment. Thank you again for the praise.