The Metal Shell

A particular pony wakes to find herself in a strange metal enviorment. Cold, scared, she starts to try and figure out what's going on. Over time, she calms down, and learns the terrible truth.

A story written for the WTG, characters intentionally left off to keep an air of mystery.

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CrappyCrap

CrappyCrap #1 · Jul 21st, 2012 · · ·

Ponies in space. 20% cooler

twow443

twow443 #2 · Nov 28th, 2012 · · ·

Alright then. Did someone call for a review?! Just kidding, but I'm here to help. Lets get started, shall we?

I woke cold and stiff. I frowned, keeping my eyes closed; why was it so cold? I shifted slightly; I was on something hard. I needed to know, I needed to find where I was. I opened my eyes, blackness greeting them. Emptiness, nothing of definition. I tried to sit up, my body lifting off of what I had been laying on. Floating in the pitch void, my eyes darting around for something anything that I’d be able to see. I flailed, my forelegs trying to find something to grasp on.

1. For the most part I didn't see anything that needed help. Your grammar and spelling is pretty darn good. I am gonna get nit-picky though here.

2. You played the amnesia part rather well, but some things seemed kinda redundant. For example, "I tried to sit up, my body lifting off of what I had been laying on." We already know he was laying on something, right? Maybe you could change it to,

I struggled to sit up, slowly raising my body off of the hard surface.

Floating in the pitch void, my eyes darting around for something anything that I’d be able to see.

I'm a little confused here, was he floating before? If so, then he couldn't have been laying on a cold surface before, he would have been floating around! He should have woken up in the middle of the room. It's also possible that I'm completely missing the point of this sentence.

Hard. Glass. Cold. These things raced through my mind as my head lightly met with something above me. So I wasn’t dead, or at least I was fairly certain I wasn’t dead. I took several deep breaths, trying to find something, anything to orient myself with. My hoof brushed a switch. A slight buzz came to my ears. Bright. Light. Pain. My eyes forced themselves shut, watering at the sudden lumination. The light pierced my eyelids; the red of the blood vessels in them along with the pain was confirmation enough to me that I was still alive. I blinked, allowing my pupils to adjust to the light.

1. A minor nitpick on my part, but wouldn't it be easier to capitalize his thoughts? Just my advice.

2. Try to use commas a little more. Example. Instead of,

My hoof brushed a switch. A slight buzz came to my ears.

you could say,

My hoof brushed a switch, bringing a slight buzz to my ears.

It helps the story flow a little bit better.

3. The fact that you are describing what he feels to each new sensation is good. It helps the character feel more real to the audience.

Whirring, then silence. Something nudged up against my side. I looked down; a small tube with a picture of an apple was floating beside me. I still hadn’t figured out why everything that wasn’t bolted down was floating. I reached for the tube, watching as it danced away with my touch. I lunged, spinning slightly at the movement. I missed, but it hit the wall stopping. I was able to reach out, gently cradling the tube in my forehooves. A small cap graced the top, and with a slight pop I opened it. The smell of fresh apples wafted from the tube, but I wondered how I would get the apples out when the nozzle at the top clearly was too small to allow for apples to escape. The more I looked at the tube the more I wondered, the tube its self wasn’t even the right shape of an apple.

1. Wait, so he's floating now? Or is he not? I'm rather confused.

2. Hmm, don't have anything to really say about the apple tube. It speaks for itself, rather well.

Again, the label ‘computer’ caught my eye. It was just above a small switch. I had heard of computers, mechanical devices that could do things with ease that most ponies would find difficult or near impossible

1. This is the first part that's legitimately bothered me. As far as we know, computers aren't in Equestria. The two things I've seen that are modern are Twilight's machine to figure out Pinkie Sense and that announcer stallion was wearing a mic in "Sonic Rainboom" I'm not so sure how this pony would have known about an electronic device that doesn't exist.

Final grade: B

Final advice: Explanations.

Don't get me wrong. I know that we weren't supposed to really know what was going on until the end. I'm talking about some of the things in the middle. Such as if he was floating. It sounded like he was immune to the zero-gravity. I'd advice elaborating on that.
Also, I'm still a little iffy on the computer part. Maybe this should have a "Alternate Universe" tag.

All in all, this was a very enjoyable read. (Also, I have a rather good idea on who this pony was, but I'm not going to say anything so I don't spoil.)

Howling at you from here to the netherworld,
twow443, TWE's Demonic Moderator and Psychotic Demon Wolf

OtterMatt

OtterMatt #3 · Nov 28th, 2012 · · ·

1702495

As far as we know, computers aren't in Equestria.

I gonna interject on that one.
1) Twilight's machine IS a computer. Rudimentary, but at least at the vacuum tube level, and it qualifies, being a mechanical difference engine.
2) The video games we see during the "Perfect Stallion" montage
3) Vinyl Scratch's turntables, PA system, and lighting. Can POTENTIALLY by done without electronics, but it's the simplest solution. Occam's Razor FTW.

I'll just jump in and offer up another perspective because I can (HA!).
I like this story for its brevity and sense of alienation, but my main problem is in the lack of payoff. Even short, pony-in-a-box stories need to have some sense of accomplishment by the end, even if it's only a journey of self and potential discovery. In this case, I'm just left with not only more questions than when I started, but I feel like the character does, too. This can be a good thing, but without any sense of why or where or when this story concludes with, I just feel like I'm drifting, and not towards anything.
The obvious solution would be to just continue the story, but I know that not all stories have or need a continuation.
My opinion on this story: technically solid, well-crafted, but ultimately too forgettable.
- OtterMatt: TWE Moderator, Leader of the Reviewing Shock Troops, and Master of Music
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