"Sometimes actions have unforeseen consequences, but in Ponyville those consequences are usually taken care of by the end of the day. Unfortunately I'm one of those consequences, a copy of a hyperactive sugar-addict, and this is my story."
Welcome dear readers to my first FiM fanfic! Please go ahead and comment, whether its to praise me, criticize me, ask me questions, troll me, or even flame me. I'll try to respond to as many of them as I can. So without further ado, please enjoy!
Chapters (5)
Hm...
Ambitious. I'm also a tad skeptical that you'll continue this story... and make it lengthy... and give it a conclusion.
But I'll bite. Let's see what this "dark comedy" brings.
Hm. Best of luck with everything. Also...
VEGGIE SALAD!!!!
1919707
can't say no to a challenge
well now I HAVE to finish it don't I?
And ya, I personally wouldn't really call it a "dark comedy" buuuuuuttt much of the humor comes from the main character trying to avoid getting killed by some of the nicest ponies in Ponyville, which is both dark and comedic. Soooo I kinda couldn't resist using both tags.
Thanks for the good luck wishes!
"killed" - such inelegant terminology.
Ah'd reckon you could'a substituted it with another (e.g. maimed, pursued).
This plot been done a mighty lot, by a many writers, but ah have mah faith in ya. Probably cause yer' capable of usin' the word "consequences" in your synopsis. Ah do hope yer deliver. Tad curious about Copy-Pinkie's character development though.
*cough* Well, ta-ta for now. Farewell, Noble Dragon.
Rincewind-Pinkie, huh? I'll be watching this...
The Pinkie Clones were all pretty much blank slates randomly acting on a very limited set of instructions ("Have fun because fun is fun"). The big unanswered ethical question from "Too Many Pinkie Pies" is whether or not they were really self-aware life-forms that had yet to have had enough experience to show sophistication (the 'Blade Runner' scenario) or if they were nothing but biological robots, incapable of change, growth or even particularly significant variation on behaviour (the 'Sorcerer's Apprentice' scenario). The consensus of the fandom is the latter. However, you seem to be going towards the former. What if, if they had been functional for a long time, the Pinkie Clones would have started developing their own distinct personalities and traits, building up memories and distinct selves?
This is probably going to be an interesting ride on the 'what if...?' roller-coaster. However, what will be very interesting is if Twilight finds out about the clone and how she has evolved over time. The fact that she had effectively murdered thirty or more beings who could have grown to be distinct individuals in their own right.
1920671
To me the real indicator that the Pinkie-clones had sentience was the fact that they did show signs of self-preservation (though some obviously had more than others), otherwise why would any of them bother with Twilight's test? It was pretty well established that they didn't care, or even know, about Pinkie's friends. This is hammered in even more when you see the anxiety on the last remaining clone's face, she obviously WANTS to live very, very badly.
As for Twilight herself, well, lets just say there's a reason I tagged her with Pinkie separate from the others as one of the main characters and not any more of the mane 6.
A+ for effort.
1929062
Well that's...depressing. Do you mind telling me what I did wrong?
I leaped across rooftops. Because -- obviously -- I'm cool like that. "Ninja me" wouldn't dare risk running through a busy crowd of multicolored ponies... on the ground. Way too obvious.
So I continued running. My heartbeat was almost deafening, as I aimlessly ran. I kept sprinting forward, until exhaustion swept me off my hooves. My vision went black as my legs buckled, sending me crashing down a nearby chimney.
+
I stared dumbly at the six ponies I'd been running away from. The lavender one was speaking, but I wasn't listening. I was busy, staring at my doppelganger-- the loud pink pony --who was now staring right back at me.
000
- - - -
Alright, back to business. Your story is filled with unnecessary information (aka: filler). Additionally, your dialog is below-average.
There's a difference between detail and wordy-ness. Unfortunately, you have plenty of the latter.
My best advice??? Read more pony-stories (or stories in general). I earnestly believe you have potential... but you need practice.
Of course, that's my heavily biased opinion on that matter.
1930106
Your right, I do need practice. And this chapter isn't really my best work (I kinda rushed it, a mistake I won't make again).
Though, to be fair, this was kind of a filler chapter. Next chapter will have a lot more interesting stuff happening! Pinkie promise
Thank you for the advice!
1930136
Vocabulary possesses magical qualities. When properly harnessed, it allows the musty mundane... to simply sparkle.
I envy the amazing and brilliant authors, who can splash across a vibrant supple image as I read such phrases.
That's why I read hundreds upon hundreds of fanfiction. Because such works do exist.
1930199
Too bad I'm not quite an amazing or brilliant author, but god knows I try
You know, this is going to last exactly as long as it takes before 'Dusty' either gets wet or encounters a moderate wind.
1942397
Or both at the same time
I think I'm able to make a prediction here.
DUSTY: NOOO! DON'T KILL ME! PLEASE! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!
TWILIGHT: Hmm... Interesting.
DASH: What's 'interesting' about it? Zap her! Zap her!
TWILIGHT: You know what was one thing in common with all those other clones that I returned to their natural state?
PINKIE: Um... they all went balloon-y and vanished?
TWILIGHT: No, it was, even when I was in the middle of dispelling them, not one of them begged for mercy. None of them had enough self-awareness to realise that they were in danger of being rendered non-existent and not one of them was sapient enough to fear that! They just went right on with their normal behaviour as if nothing significant at all were happening!
TWILIGHT walks over and puts a hoof on DUSTY's shoulder
TWILIGHT: But you...? You plead for mercy; you beg for your life. You even manage to change your behaviour to hide from us! I don't know if you're different from the others or if it's just because you're older now then they were then.
DASH: We can work it out later! Zap her!
TWILIGHT: No, Rainbow, there'll be no 'zapping' anypony until I know just what makes Dusty different from her 'sisters'.
DASH: Awww... Horseapples!
TWILIGHT: Spike, take a letter please. "Dear Princess Celestia. There has been an unexpected turn of events here in Ponyville and I find myself in need of your advice, experience and perspective. It all began when my friend Pinkie Pie found the legendary Reflecting Pool of Everfree..."
1974681
Hmmm that is an interesting idea, but...
1) I don't think dash would be quite that trigger-happy.
2) I don't think Twilight would be quite as rational and even-headed about somepony begging her to spare them, that just seems like something that would cause an emotional reaction
3) Imo the reason that none of the other clones begged for mercy was that there was just no time for them to do so before being zapped.
Very interesting prediction however!
I know she's already "Dusty" in the story, but within the first chapter I was already calling her "Snarky Pie" and I don't feel like changing it.
2017365
"Cogito ergo sum" - "I think, therefore I am". In the absence of a real objective test of sentience and sapience being developed (IMHO, the Turing Test is so full of holes you could use it to strain vegetables), the only real test we can have as to whether a person is real is whether they believe they are real (or at least can convincingly simulate such). The clones failed to do so but Dusty has done.
1978300
There was nothing stopping them throwing themselves on Twilight's mercy en masse before she zapped them. To me, that was the damning bit of evidence - they lacked sufficient self-awareness to realise that they were at risk and act appropriately. That's why I personally lean toward the 'biological robots repeating the same program' interpretation. That said, the original clone, "Pinkie-Beta", initially showed a lot more sophistication in her behaviour and one wonders if she is Dusty or if Dusty is at most a first-generation copy of her.
2018510
Hmmm, you do have a point there. I never really specified which batch Dusty was from, but I kinda intended for her to be one of the last ones. However there were two clones that were made directly from Pinkie so perhaps she was the second one.
Also I could be wrong but I don't remember Twilight outright telling the clones she was going to zap them if they failed the test (and the clones wouldn't have had the experience to deduce that she was going to do so without being told) until it was too late, so why would they have shown any concern before the test if they didn't realize they were in danger?
now i have to wait for the next chapter
2019079
I'll try to make sure the next one isn't a day late like this chapter was. I'm trying to stick to an update every Wednesday schedule
2021201
Excellent work on being early! I was so amazed when you updated 5 days before you said you would... or is this a bonus chapter, and you still plan to have one on Wednesday too? That would be so amazing!
...
The voices in my head just said something about "denial", but they're crazy so I killed them
2164755
Well the voices in MY head are telling me to make sure to have that update on Wednesday like I said I would, we'll have to see if I'm just crazy enough to listen to them
Ah! The Pinkie Pie "Welcome to Ponyville My New Best Friend" Party!
Magic is a funny thing. I'm wondering if Dusty is slowly changing into a different pony as her mind and essence diverges from that of Pinkie-Alpha. Screw Loose, because she's crazy, might have seen the truth that others are too structured in their minds to realise. Just as a Rorschach Test looks like different things to different eyes, so Dusty's cutie mark is currently unformed. Everypony is seeing what they'd expect (which is naturally associated with their own True Talent) but Screw Loose was open-minded enough to realise that it isn't anything at all, just yet. It won't be anything until Dusty decides who she is going to be other than a clone of Pinkie Pie.
2171973
Interesting theory, but really my intention is nothing quite that deep. Remember that the "Cutie Mark" that everypony is seeing is really just coat-dye. Underneath it, her cutie mark is still the balloons, which does have certain implications about the nature of Dusty's destiny. However her cutie mark isn't really the point of this story and thus will only really be addressed briefly later is at all (though if I do ever decide to do a sequel that conflict would probably be what I structure it around). Where was I going with this again? Oh right, Screw Loose's answer!
If there's any deeper meaning behind the town's reaction to the fake cutie mark it would be that everypony is forcing themselves to find meaning in a bunch of meaningless splotches, and thus revealing something about their character in how they interpret it. While Screw Loose, being outside societal norms (and probably intimately acquainted with Rorschach Test), is able to see past the need for ponies to assign some meaning to a cutie mark and just call it what it is: a bunch of random splotches. Though I would be lying if their wasn't some symbolic purpose I intended when I made Screw Loose call it specifically a "Rorschach Test" and not "some random splotches of coal and dust" which would have served the same purpose. It wouldn't be very good symbolism if I explained it outright, but know that it's there.
Really, looking back on it, I haven't really done much with the concept of magic in this story. I prefer to think of this as a straight up drama that doesn't really require any mystical elements to be present. Perhaps this is a mistake on my part, or perhaps its part of what makes the story work (that's up for you to decide
).
And as for the party, here's a little hint of whats to come: Pinkie hasn't actually held a party since the day Dusty was born, only planning. So not only has pinkie built up a lot of "party pressure", she also has one or two things she missed having a party for that she needs to get done all at once. Celestia help us all.
Anyway thanks for the comment, you always make some great analysis of my work and I hope you enjoy what's to come!
...Well. That just happened.
I have but one thing to say *ahem*
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE YOU FOOL! THEY'LL KILL YOOOOOUUUUU!!!
1930199
That was beautiful.
2513542 Luna is best pony.
2172812 Yeah I thought twas' Rorschach's blot.
2783355 Agreed.
YOU BROKE A PINKIE PROMISE !
I hope you update soon this is a very gos fic.
Oh the irony...
And thus it's a surprise forever. Even the author hasn't been on since the 25 of June. May this story Rest In Peace. Forgotten.