Edited to Teen since I accidentally put in stuff that may be objectionable, but is more likely Everyone. also the situation may also warrant it.
Sequel: Pen Pals 2
You are Red Manege, and recently your fortunes have allowed you to stay in Ponyville for some time to get some money and more new experiences.
The reason you chose Ponyville? Simple, because your pen pal of some years you met through a mail dating service lives there and if nothing else you could meet a friend that can also help you get a good reputation in town.
The only problem? Your journey has brought you to Froggy Bottom Bog, and this yellow Pegasus refuses to let you enter the place, if only she'd actually talk to you so she could tell you why.
Chapters (7)
Fantastic
I was initially hesitant in reading this when I figured out the character was an alicorn of sorts, but seeing as how his wings and horn are less than average, and his interesting cutie mark seem to make up for that. I'll keep reading, and can't wait to see what happens next.
You had a couple of errors here and there, but it's good writing otherwise. Good job.
Interesting so far.
I also noticed a few errors, some being with punctuation (I think that you left out some commas.) and another as follows\
The word "your" implies ownership. The way that you wrote it out implies that Fluttershy belongs to herself. Judging from the context of what had already been said, I believe that the word that you meant to use was the contraction, "you're" which is short for "you are". It's a simple problem to make.
Story-wise, it seems like you're doing a decent job. I look forward to the next chapter.
1901576 yeah there are a few of those. sort of miss them when word doesn't pick a up a problem and it thinks Fluttershy is a item and not a name. I'll fix it in a bit, wanna get as much of the next chapter as I can done before I hit my usual wall and stop for like a month while I work on other stuff like I do with nearly all my stories.
Okay, I read the first two chapters and loved it. I only have a couple things I don't like.
First, Fluttershy sounds like she's a lot louder and at some points meaner than she is in the show. You have her shouting, and you used the term "spat" for her speech at one point. She's much more of a quiet, shy pony, and she wouldn't be acting the way you made her act.
Second, the use of the second person (the narrator being "you", "your", etc.) is kinda confusing. You're saying that this is happening to the reader, and that can be hard to understand.
Please don't think I'm being mean, otherwise it's a great story with a very interesting plot. I can't wait to see where you go from here.
And now we meet
1904159 I was considering making this first person since it wouldn't work well in 3rd to me, but I've had a bad case of it with one story. But that was likely because it was a human in a humanized Equestria story and so it was pointless. Still personal readings have shows me unless I'm a very good writer 2nd person gets around most of my short comings so there you go.
On a side note: I wish that the person who changed how the felt about my story and unfaved would comment on why. I learn more from that. Usually I do the same when it comes to the stories I read unless it's on my phone.
That may have been me by accident, but I think I re-faved. I am reading on a phone, after all.
Fantastic
1909137 nah, I don't see you in the favs at all. you must have the wrong story
I liked your explanation about alicorns, and why they are so rare.
1911320rectifying that situation now. By the way, mountain lion, that right there is known as awesomeness.
I hope they use that on the show at somepoint. It's one of those things that's so obvious when you think about it that you're kicking yourself for not thinking of it yourself.
so wait, he has a small body small wings and a small horn? (so pretty much like the waste left over from an alicorn?) This is going to be interesting :3 especially with fluttershy as the counter balance to the story ^^ I await with glee the rest of the story
It was still a pretty-good chapter, overall.
1946585 thanks, also it seems I was too vague about a certain thing since you didn't comment on WHAT Red's sister is as being too much overkill.
Feet
Scent*
Apart from the alicorn thing I like the way this is going
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It was okay, but could've been better. There were a few mistakes throughout the chapter, but they're mostly forgivable ones.
This sentence, for example, could've been worded better. After re-reading it a couple of times, the meaning came across, but it sounded a little weird.
However, other than grammatical mistakes, I'm looking forward to more! The plot is still okay, though it was a short chapter. I have a question! Will the entirety of the story be in the bog, or will they get back to Ponyville? Oh, and will we get to know what his sister is eventually?
Regardless of the answers, I'm sure it'll be good!
1948084 wow, I'm surprised i didn't pick that up rereading it like 7 times before and after posting and somehow no one else did too. I R Idiot.
As for the Alicorn thing I had the idea because I'm playing Final Fantasy 9, and Ironically each release until the last one was made after a beat a disc in the game. Also this video got me inspired to have the entire thing be a family aspect:
1950213 Actually I have two more chapters planned left, originally I was going to have it all be in the bog but I see that is going to make it drag on too much. So instead the next chapter will have to bring in the other family members at least for a cameo. After that I'm going back to my other two 2nd person fics and My Yugioh crossover I've sort of stopped to write this one and maybe I'll do a sequel to this if people want, or at least a spin off with Black Manege considering I could easily bother throwing his story to work with a background pony or Trixie.
though lol That is about as likely to happen as the following finally being playable on my vita since I gave my psp away for dumb reasons:
1947406 Is she somehow a changeling?
1951793
Only thing I could think up to suit the Blue Mage's ability to copy all other monsters' magic spells and have it make sense. You know outside of making her a Cook that eats meat despite being a pony which would make it a dark mature story very fast.
I figured the name was enough of a give away with the hints in the chapter but I guess not many even would get the reference let alone put it together since it is so vague.
1951831 If it's done right, having a meat-eating pony does not necessarily make a story need to be labeled as "Dark". I've seen a comedy in which Rainbow Dash eats meat. It's probably more of a trollfic. There's also one where Daring Doo can now eat meat, as a side-effect of a spell that was cast on her Very Special SomeDDog, but there was too much magic in the spell, the dog's body couldn't fully absorb it, Daring approached him, and the excess magic arced-over like lightning and hit her. They now have a much stronger bond, and have taken on some traits of each-other. (If I'm rambling/not making sense, it's 2:40 A.M. and I should really get to sleep.)
1951900 Same here, I can't really say more because it would spoil a sequel/continuation plan if I go after the last two chapters coming.
1951975 O.K..
She says NO! I say YESSSSSS!
Since I like this kind of story, I'll go with the third
1970395 that's fine considering to do that one I sort of need to do idea number 2 in some form as well, just not in the form it is currently.
Also because of one comment I'm considering just making it third person for clearity's sake since the spin-off will be so when I get to it.
1970425
Have fun with that
I did like A Cog In the Machine better.
1971882 no worries, I'm going back to that till it's over next. Focusing on the one story seems to work better than what I used to do and fans seem okay with waiting for a while on Backfire and Meteor anyway.
Fix it
1976230 might wanna point out what to fix because aside from a word going wrong and a need to make it two paragraphs I don't see much the fix there.
So his mane is hiding the horn? Or is his mane the horn itself?
I really enjoyed this story, and I'd absolutely love to read the sequel but it has a password :/ oh well. Still awesome story. A like, a favorite, and a comment for you!