Fluttershy's birthday is right around the corner, and Rainbow Dash wants to get her something extra-special, something to show her what a great friend she thinks she is...but has no idea what that something is. Can her friends give her any helpful insight, or will she be led back to square 1?...
Probably not my best, but an idea that's been sitting on my head for a while, just meant to be a harmless one-shot, close enough to the holiday season. =)
*Update 7/25: After reading through comments, made a few changes to help the flow and mood of the story. Hope you still enjoy!
Chapters (1)
So much Daaaw
Nice work
I loved it. Very touching, very sweet.
AJ with the buzzkill lol
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I actually wavered on whether or not to include that, but it just seemed so Applejack. XD
Awwwww that was so sweet!
Well done!
That was so sweet! I love seeing Dashie's softer side!
Also really enjoyed the Scootalove!
And the ending was hilarious!
Loved the story. You really do have a way with Slice of life, and you improve all the time. Also, I noticed the in-joke.
Meanwhile, as per SALT regs (despite this not being for the contest) I am here to throw a few edits/suggestions your way. This one is well written, so I am going to nitpick a little, though I'll save a bit for the others by only going up to your first page-break.
This, however, was different : only needs the second comma
She had something pressing on her mind that couldn’t go away by simply ignoring it. : "couldn't" should be wouldn't
No amount of practicing moves that would make the Wonderbolts’ jaws drop, or reading up on the latest Daring Do book, or kicking clouds into vapor, or even napping could force away the inevitable.: unless she is researching a soon to be released book, remove the "up on"
Still, her closest friends knew when it was, of course, but Rainbow Dash didn’t see it as something to excitedly expect this time around. : Remove the
"Still", and change "expect" to "look forwards to"
She saw it as a looming premonition. : Premonition is a prediction. You mean disaster, or one of it's synonyms
Rainbow Dash gave her cloudy sofa pillow a frustrated punch, the growl it was punctuated with disturbing the slumber of Tank, her pet tortoise, who peered out from his shell and gazed at his owner through the glass of his, well, tank. :A comma after with, and you might want to consider splitting this into two sentences.
But for this. : this one is a rhetorical question, so it needs a question mark.
In Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy had more than a friend, she had a sister, a protector, someone she could look up to in time of need... : Either make it "her" or "a" time of need, or change time to times. Also, the comma after friend should be a semi-colon, a colon, or a period instead.
Right from the start, she had doubted Twilight’s decision to even bring Fluttershy along, and was the most impatient with her hesitations, worst of all when she accidentally caused an avalanche. : Change "worst of all" to "especially"
That's what I've got, and once again, great story.
I loved the story
it was sweet!
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I went through and made the changes as you suggested. Thanks very much for your critique, and am so glad you enjoyed the story. =)
Ending was something unexpected.
Don't get me wrong but I'm happy this sort of things can only be possible in fanfics and not in the actual series. Imagine all the controversy. Not to mention comparison to Family Guy and all that crap.
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Do you mean the revelation of the album or Applejack kicking Rainbow Dash? I can guess what you mean either way and appreciate your frankness. =)
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The Applebuck
This fandom seems to accept moments of unaware ruddness/aggression between the mane six but strongly opposes the planned ones.
At least that's what I gathered reading some of the reactions. It's not like any brony has something against the mane 6 being abused by villains/jerks.
I for one like reading stories when they are somewhat miserable. The sadder the better.
Celestia got a letter....
And thats all i'm saying.
That story touched me. In here (points at heart).
Remember, context is important.
That was great. Each interaction with the other friends (and Scootaloo was a pip) was spot-on and the plot flowed beautifully. I noticed you took some editing suggestions so I'll point out the only one I saw— there was one 'off' that was spelled 'of' in the later part of the story (don't remember exactly where). Otherwise, serious kudos on this one. A side of RD we'll never see become canon, but a great one nonetheless.
I was expecting the Buck to the gut quicker. but where it was... kinda hillarious.
Oh, I loved this. It was a pretty standard setup, ie have one pony go round all the others and ask about something, but you made it work very well. The characterisation, which is the thing I most look for, was excellent. I also enjoyed Spike's slightly snarky demeanour. So yes, a very nice story, a really good addition to the FlutterDash friendshipping collection, and a story I'm very glad I read.
Okay, while you're still basking in the glow, I'll do the nitpicky bit. Don't worry, more praise coming at the end!
If Rainbow's pupils have gone lilac, she needs to see a doctor right away. I think you mean "irises".
This was a nice paragraph, and I agree with the sentiments in it, but it didn't really fit in this story. Having the narrator suddenly express an opinion like that, when they hadn't done so before, is a little distracting.
I have really mixed feelings about this. Yes, it's entirely in-character for Applejack to do that. And I'll admit that it made me chuckle. But I wish she hadn't done it then. This is Fluttershy's special moment, Applejack, and you should keep your private feuds right out of your friends' celebrations. Not cool, AJ. Not cool.
But that's about it, really. This was, as I said, a lovely story. It was cute, amusing, easy to read, in-character and all-round enjoyable. I think that deserves one of these:
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Yeah, I can see what you mean about some of those nitpicky things, and I really do appreciate your compliments and your constructive criticism. I'll see what I can do to make it flow a bit better.
4750380 Changes duly noted! I'd already favourited the old version, though, so I'm afraid I can't do so again!
What I can do, that I missed in my first comment, is to say how cute and heart-warming the Rainbow/Scootaloo scene was. I'm a big Scootafan, so that bit really worked wonders on me.
By the Goddess! That is the cutest FlutterDash picture EVAR!!!
This entire story was adorable from beginning to end. My favorite moments were Spike giving his card to Flutters and Angel's card to his "Mama"
Well that was sweet.