My name is Prince Blitz Gamier Lu Luna Lu Lores, and this is my story. A story of discovery, family, and adventure. A story of different worlds, and what happens when they collide. And above all else, my story is a story of games.
All video games and items mentioned are property of their respective owners. Please don't sue me.
This is my first fic, and I recently re-did it
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I'm sorry to say this but I get the feeling Blitz Gamer is a Gary Stu.
1889972 Naw man you mean to tell me that.... Prince Blitz Gamier Lu Lunatore is a Gary stu?
forums.unfiction.com/forums/viewtopic.php?mode=attach&id=26030
Never thought that could be true...
Why do I read these fics
Woah. Slow down. It was a good deal of rapid fire dialog. You obviously put in some effort. Trust me though, dislikes will tear at your soul. I know that well enough. Your grammar isn't the best but you could very much take a second to correct your mistakes and be more descriptive. How do you be more descriptive? My way is to think of everything, and put in what you think would give the reader a complete image of the scene. It'll help, really.
I can honestly tell you this wasn't a good beginning. In fact, it was pretty bad.
Your grammar isn't too bad, but you could have done better.
The thing that hurts your story the most, though, is the fact that it's just plain unoriginal. Mix it up a little, instead of; 'I was an orphan, who was taken care of by Princess Celestia. Now I discovered I was meant to save dimensions by the art of gaming'. Orphan hero stories have been done before, and can work well if done right. Yours is not one of those exceptions.
I believe you can write something good if you just put that extra bit of effort in your character, story and grammar. I wish you good luck in the future.
assets.diylol.com/hfs/8cc/1cb/e19/resized/professor-oak-meme-generator-i-wish-you-luck-in-the-dangerous-tall-grass-661d8e.jpg
1891316 Excuse me, but this is my story, and how I start it is none of your buisness. Besides, there is a bigger reason why I was given to the princess, I just Haven't gotten to it yet. This is just the introduction, more is yet to come. And I never said Celestia took care of me, just that she took me in. Big difference.
1890551 Thanks for the tip
1891855 You are right about that, I was just trying to be helpful. Good luck with your future writing then.
1891926 thank you for trying
1890429 I don't know, why?
1889972 A what?
Yo blitz its me Eugus there is a grammar error in this fix just tout you would want to know.
1893967 A Gary Stu is pretty much a character who is perfect or nearly perfect in any way, shape or form. A charcter without any real flaws and everyone loves them, no matter what they do.
Fortunately for you, so far I can't say he is very Gary Stu-ish, besides the small fact of him being accpeted rather easily into the Order of the Game Lords. And I apologize if I'm wrong on the name.
Try to avoid turning him into a Gary Stu. People tend to hate Mary Sue/Gary Stu characters.
And last but not least, the second chapter is a little hard to read. Use your enter key a little more often, or it will turn into a giant wall of text.
1896749 I'll try not to. Besides, Blitz is kind of a lone wolf.
the best yet
Well your writting needs work. I have yet to actually find a location where this conversation is taking place and I can only assume it's in one of the many hallways of Canterlot castle.
Grammar...I personally don't see enough discriptive words to judge it other than the beginning.
Plot...OH WOW SUDDEN GAMELORD. Not exactly bad but when it comes to an introduction I expect a little more than your first paragraph. Maybe a flashback would be a better way to present it and I'm sure by doing that you'd portray enough of a message to give the backstory and make the sudden appearance in the castle a little more clear.
Characters...well they're ok :/ Twilight seems out of character and you suddenly ripped yourself away from equestria so I don't really know what to expect in a later chapter.
Overall...not really done reading the story and I don't plan on stopping until I get a good look at what kind of author you are.
Oh wow...you asked for a collab and I'm reading this and thought...no fucking way! I CAN'T DO THIS!
but now that I read this chapter I actually see this being a possibility...AND NO OUR CONNECTION DOES NOT NEED TO BE QUIETED SO IF YOU DELETE THIS COMMENT I'LL DISOWN YOU!
that is all :D
oh actually.
Your layout of dialog and detail needs work. I only know what tank is and the grand master no face has no discription what so ever. I don't know if I want to think of him as a bipedal celestia because he is cliche grand bastard...I love those guys :D
But I hate not being able to put detail into his appearence. I don't even know if he's taller than Blitz.
Sly? SLYFOXHOUND?!?! yea I got that refference.
oh yea he's a dragon....the grand master guy :/
well I think.
I have yet to get that image into my head...
well you're getting better at detail but I have yet to see seperation of the dialog. it almost looks like a really boring wall of text and you should only do that when there are a lot of actions between sentinces. I'm sure I can give you examples when you ask for them.
So far I actually like the idea of this guy being in my fic. But of course I won't allow you to write a single chapter because of your spacing. I will allow others you choose to be in the fic just for fun and I actually see game lords becoming Puppet Master's enemy.
I am actually interested in this story...It just needs to be reworded and redone as hell so it looks better.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH
I understand what you want me to do...and to be honest...I've already got a game plan on the game lords and Blitz Gamer that you'd love.
the only problem I see is that he met twilight so briefly I don't believe friendship could have blossemed from it...but whatever if you want to do that then go right ahead. and I felt that reunion with Celestia should have been more teary eyed or loving in some way.
hurry up and finish the next chapter damn it.
I still disapprove of the wall of text paragraphs but what the hell.
this was pretty good friend nice job.
2102017 yeah, this is why i'm rewriting it. plus, he was a bit overconfident at the moment
hmm it sounds interesting and considering its your first story I will give it a go cause like you I also have my first story posted and besides I don't really judge a story by its comments or how many likes and dislikes till i read it for myself.
I'm going to say the truth the story wasn't very good but it wasn't very bad it was decent. I know that your going to rewrite this story and when you do try to put more explaining and try not to rush it cause I kind of found myself getting a bit lost while reading like when Blitz was having that conversation with twilight at the start it was almost if he didn't want to talk to her and quickly end the talk between them while also some words didn't feel right. example:
I think it could of been something like this a bit.
well it doesn't really have to be like that for it's just an example and next time try not to make the conversations end so quickly cause there are some bronies out there who like to read a good conversation. Looking forward to the rewrite for I'm sure you will get better.