Miss_Logic
Joined 18th Dec, 2012 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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RarityxThunderlane?
Seems interesting.
That's nice, I do like Thunderlane's character, so I couldn't pass up on reading this. The animators certainly made Rarity's hug so cute. Just some things to look at.
“How hard can this be? Simply right the letter!”
Should be "write"
She Imagined them on a large brimmed red hat.
"Imagined" shouldn't be capitalized.
I have also Included a Bushel of the finest apples from Sweet Apple Acres.
"Included a Bushel" should all be lower-case.
'Well no point fretting about it know' she thought.
*now
You might also want to extend the font tags for colour down to where it says "Sincerely, Rarity". Just for some consistency, that's all.
Other than that, it's pretty good. It could do with a bit more pre-reading though, if you have the time, or if you know someone who'd be willing to do it for you. And of course, keep up the writing!
Hello, author. I am the writing assistance that flaps in the night. Today I shall endeavor to give you some feedback on your work and do what I can to help you improve. Do with this review as you will.
Writing
There is no need to place a period after your title (you don't see books or movies doing this). It looks quite odd.
I take it you mean "gratitude".
(This is from your description.)
If you're using American English, you should always spell it "savior." If you're using British or Canadian English, you should always spell it "saviour." Rather don't mix and match.
Most professional books and some well-regarded fanfiction use italics to denote thought, rather than single quotes. This is to prevent dialogue from getting mixed up with thought (and it looks nicer). So I would recommend replacing things like this
with things like this
You have a number of spelling mistakes and capitalised words that should not be capitalised--the general rule is you should only start names of specific places or people or things (like Thunderlane or Rarity or Ponyville) with capital letters. Read over your work slowly and carefully after you finish writing it to find these things, or maybe get a friend to help.
Another benefit of reading over your work again slowly and carefully is that it will help you to pick out areas that don't sound very good--it's especially useful to read your work aloud. Your first paragraph, for example, sounds clunky because of the repetition of the word "desk".
Story
Since not very much has happened, there's not too much to say about the story at the moment.
However, I feel like it would be nice to get some more insight into Rarity's thought process. It's a little jarring to read about her crumpling up all her letters in frustration, going to bed, waking up, and then writing a letter with little effort. At the very least, it feels like she should get the idea for her letter from something.
I hope that was helpful. Keep writing.
I knew one of these Rarity/Thunderlane was gonna pop up at some point once Wonderbold Academy aired. At least it looks like this one is gonna be pretty good.
I look forward to more!
you get my interest hope to see soon!
1818409 Thank you for your review.
I know I'm not the best speller in the world, so I rely heavily on spell check. Which corrects to American English in Open Office then corrects me again in Google docs then again when I post it here. Hopefully I'll have figured out how to fix that next time.
I'm also aware that I have a habit to put capital letters were they have no business being. When I edited I often overlook them. So thank you for picking up on them, so I can do better next time.
Thank you for you advice on story telling. I've always found it difficult to move from one idea to the next. And I will again try to improve next time.
Thank you so much for reading my story and putting the time into reviewing it as well.
Continues to be good. Plus your pacing is nice and leisurely, matching the mood of the page.
Just a suggestion, but it's an idea I tend to stick to...you might want to put the letter portion in italics to help visually distinguish it from the rest of the narrative so that it doesn't get confused with regular dialogue. I know you've already formatted it in such a way as to make that apparent, but I find that putting it in italics helps even more. Otherwise, keep up the good work.
Also...
Random capitalization is random.
GOOD NOW LET THE MATING BEGIN *evil laugh*
You have my interest
, so please do continue.
Hm, I like what you have so far, although it is a bit early to say for certain. My only real gripe is that there were some significant mechanical errors which is always a problem, but even so there were not enough of them to make the story hard to read. I am also slightly worried that this may be dead based on the chapter dates, but hopefully I am wrong on that.
Moar please
I like this, pity you cancelledit.