My Hero

by Miss_Logic

The Thank You.

Rarity sat at her desk. Piles of crumpled parchment lay on the desk. Rarity had been trying for hours to write a very important letter.

A letter of thanks to her savior Thunderlane, a Cadet at the Wonderbolts Academy. He and his fellow Cadets had helped save Rarity and her friends from an out of control cloudbusting tornado.

Rarity and the gang had decided that it would only be polite for them to write thank-you letters to the Cadets. Everypony had already finished theirs, but Rarity was finding it far more difficult than any of her friends had.

She sat staring intensely at the paper. It was already rather late, but Rarity was stubborn if nothing else. But she couldn't sleep until she had at least started a halfway decent letter. She picked up her quill in a blue glow from her horn again.

'Dear Cadet Thunderlane,' Rarity wrote.

“Ugh, Far too formal...” She muttered, crumpling the parchment and tossing it at the overflowing waste paper basket with her magic. Rarity Leaned back in her chair, Lying her hoof over her tired eyes. “How hard can this be? Simply right the letter!” She groaned to herself. Sinking down into her plush office chair.

'Might as well stop for tonight. Its simply not possible for me to write a decent letter in this state' She thought. She lifted her hoof from her eyes. Her makeup had smudged onto her arm and hoof. “I had better wash up before bed at the very least...” Rarity mumbled. Pushing back from the desk, droopy eyed, and yawning she started toward her washroom.

Rarity opted not to turn on the harsh washroom light, instead casting a soft blue glow with her horn. She stared into the face of a disheveled unicorn. Tired eyes, surround by smeared and fading make up. Her mane resembled a bird's nest and dark bags hung under her eyes.

“Oh what a mess you are Rarity...” She whispered to the mirror, examining her reflection. She wet a washcloth and sleepily began to clean up for bed. “Tomorrow I'll finish the letter...” She promised the sleepy mare in the mirror.

---

The next morning greeted Rarity with a cardinals sweet song. The red bird sat on her windowsill, singing to its heart's desire. Rarity gazed sleepily at the bird, admiring its bright crimson feathers. She Imagined them on a large brimmed red hat. Maybe paired with a dark jacket to show of the bright red of the feathers hat. She smiled working on a rough design in her head. The cardinal flew off, and Rarity's daydream faded away. With that Rarity got up and prepared herself for the day.

After breakfast and quickly putting on her face, Rarity sat down at her desk again. She stared down at the blank page before her. Considering what to write, suddenly an idea popped to mind. Her quill poised above the page surrounded in a blue haze. With a newfound glee she set pen to paper once more.

“Dear Thunderlane,

I cannot express my gratuitous enough for you heroic actions this past week. So instead of attempting to express my self in words I have decided that actions would serve far better. To express my thanks please except this 'care package' if you will. Inside I have enclosed a book of the finest cookies and sweets to be purchased from Sugar Cube Corner. In small portions of course. I would hate to impair your training at the Wonderbolts academy with the splendid treats from ponyville’s best bake shop. I got a variety of sweets as I was unsure as to what your favorite would be. I included a few of my personal favorite, the “Sweet Grass Clusters.”

I have also Included a bushel of the finest apples from Sweet Apple Acres. I put in quite a few to make up for the reduced amount of cookies. I also extend to you a deal for my own boutique. One free outfit of your choosing. I know that a Cadet such as yourself may not have a need for fancy dress at the academy, but I would still like to extend the offer. It is of course the least I could do.

Sincerely,

Rarity.”

Rarity sealed the letter in a lovely lavender envelope. Beside her sat the care package for Thunderlane. Wrapped in a lovely cream paper with silver swirls and a lavender bow the package was near perfect. She had spent the better part of the day collecting it contents. Only the best would do for Rarity, and by extension her saviour. Rarity tucked the envelope under the bow neatly. The gift was surrounded in her blue magic as she picked it up.

“Now to get this to the post office before close,” Rarity said to herself. With a spring in her step and a soft smile on her face she set off to the post office at a brisk pace. She had thought about delivering the package herself, but the memory of her last balloon ride quickly changed her mind. Instead she opted to simply post the package express to the academy.

It was too late to ship out tonight, but no doubt the package would arrive at the academy first thing the next day. Rarity hoped that the apples would retain their fresh crisp till then. She had payed extra bits for the fastest delivery offered at the post office, but still, Rarity was somewhat worried.

'I should have asked Twilight to preserve them somehow...' She pondered in retrospect.

'Well no point fretting about it know' she thought.

The grey mare that she had dealt with at the desk hadn't seem very focused. Her crossed eyes had never wavered from the muffin on her desk. Rarity wasn't sure if she had correctly labelled the package, what with all her attention focused on that blueberry muffin.

'It had looked rather good though' Rarity admitted to herself.

Rarity's stomach rumbled as she thought of that beautiful blueberry muffin. 'Maybe I'll pick something up on my way home..' Rarity pondered what to buy for herself as she started toward the cafe. 'Maybe a muffin....'To Be Continued.

Comments

[The Naval Brony]

RarityxThunderlane?

Seems interesting.

[unph]

That's nice, I do like Thunderlane's character, so I couldn't pass up on reading this. The animators certainly made Rarity's hug so cute. Just some things to look at.

“How hard can this be? Simply right the letter!”
Should be "write"

She Imagined them on a large brimmed red hat.
"Imagined" shouldn't be capitalized.

I have also Included a Bushel of the finest apples from Sweet Apple Acres.
"Included a Bushel" should all be lower-case.

'Well no point fretting about it know' she thought.
*now

You might also want to extend the font tags for colour down to where it says "Sincerely, Rarity". Just for some consistency, that's all.

Other than that, it's pretty good. It could do with a bit more pre-reading though, if you have the time, or if you know someone who'd be willing to do it for you. And of course, keep up the writing!

[Anon-Do-Well]

Hello, author. I am the writing assistance that flaps in the night. Today I shall endeavor to give you some feedback on your work and do what I can to help you improve. Do with this review as you will.

Writing

The Thank You.

There is no need to place a period after your title (you don't see books or movies doing this). It looks quite odd.

I cannot express my gratuitous

I take it you mean "gratitude".

savior

(This is from your description.)

saviour

If you're using American English, you should always spell it "savior." If you're using British or Canadian English, you should always spell it "saviour." Rather don't mix and match.

Most professional books and some well-regarded fanfiction use italics to denote thought, rather than single quotes. This is to prevent dialogue from getting mixed up with thought (and it looks nicer). So I would recommend replacing things like this

'It had looked rather good though'
Rarity admitted to herself.

with things like this

It had looked rather good though,
Rarity admitted to herself.

You have a number of spelling mistakes and capitalised words that should not be capitalised--the general rule is you should only start names of specific places or people or things (like Thunderlane or Rarity or Ponyville) with capital letters. Read over your work slowly and carefully after you finish writing it to find these things, or maybe get a friend to help.

Another benefit of reading over your work again slowly and carefully is that it will help you to pick out areas that don't sound very good--it's especially useful to read your work aloud. Your first paragraph, for example, sounds clunky because of the repetition of the word "desk".

Story

Since not very much has happened, there's not too much to say about the story at the moment.

However, I feel like it would be nice to get some more insight into Rarity's thought process. It's a little jarring to read about her crumpling up all her letters in frustration, going to bed, waking up, and then writing a letter with little effort. At the very least, it feels like she should get the idea for her letter from something.

I hope that was helpful. Keep writing.

[moguera]

I knew one of these Rarity/Thunderlane was gonna pop up at some point once Wonderbold Academy aired. At least it looks like this one is gonna be pretty good.

[ponytrash]

I look forward to more!

[Lady Brony]

you get my interest hope to see soon!

[Miss_Logic]

1818409 Thank you for your review.
I know I'm not the best speller in the world, so I rely heavily on spell check. Which corrects to American English in Open Office then corrects me again in Google docs then again when I post it here. Hopefully I'll have figured out how to fix that next time.
I'm also aware that I have a habit to put capital letters were they have no business being. When I edited I often overlook them. So thank you for picking up on them, so I can do better next time.

Thank you for you advice on story telling. I've always found it difficult to move from one idea to the next. And I will again try to improve next time.

Thank you so much for reading my story and putting the time into reviewing it as well.