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Rarity and Thunderlane23 stories ·92 members
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Thunderlane261 stories ·182 members
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Elegant Rarity and her overly-energetic sister. Thunderlane and his overly-energetic brother. When these four meet, Sweetie Belle and Rumble decide it would be a good idea to play games with their big siblings. Now Rarity and Thunderlane must try and convince these rambunctious ponies to come home before the storm hits. Will they be able to get them home before Rarity's mane is ruined? How long will Sweetie Belle and Rumble drag these two along?
Picture drawn by Not Worthy
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Rarity and Thunderlane? I'm surprised it's taken me this long to see my first story with this pairing after Wonderbolt Academy leaked.
Time to read. 
H'oh mai, Worthy's got himself a pretty, new story! Time to read, djess...
(also, good lord, that picture--you've markedly improved, good sir!)
Pretty good so far. I havent noticed any major grammatical errors and the story seems to have potential
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but i like thunderlane
not rarity
Wow...that picture, man...I am really impressed. Great!
Story's great too, awesome NW!
Now for somethign more in-depth
NIce characterization, that bit was very clear. I could see all the characters saying the lines as I read them. Even for Thunderlane and Rumble, who aren't really developed in the show, I liked how you made them.
Nice story so far... this should be an interesting read. Let's just hope the updates come with some twists, maybe some Rumbelle. Haven't seen any of that crop up yet.
Okay, well I have some responses to get out!
1801057>>1801717>>1803933>>1818054 Thank you very much for enjoying this story. I hope that the updates (I'm currently working on the first draft of chapter 2) will be able to hold your attention and interest. Specifically for CMC4TW, I've already planned whether or not there will be RumBelle or not, so if there is, it won't be forced.
1805383>>1801582 Thank you both for the kind words on my picture! I'll admit that I had a lot of guidance from Cid Gaius when I was making it, and it wouldn't be anywhere near as good as it is now if he hadn't helped me figure GIMP out.
1800494>>1801582 If you've read it, how'd it turn out for you?
1804227 I cannot help you there. I hope you can find a nice Thunderlane story without her.
Thank you all again for reading this. I am a tad angry I couldn't come across as original (I had begun planning and writing this before "Wonderbolt Academy" leaked), but I hope to write a good story regardless. I may or may not make a reference to that episode; I don't know. Well, gotta work on it now. Thank you again for commenting, and if there's anything that bothered you about chapter one, please let me know (I'm basically asking for a mild-to-severe critique).
1825852
thatschurch.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/tumblr_maq77ecMHG1qejf6u.gif
Very well put together story. Every character is well characterized, unique, and fresh. I could honestly imagine them saying the exact lines of dialogue you gave them. The pacing is steady without being forceful and just flowing.
So much cute! * pushes moar button repeatedly *
Big Mac for best at Hide and Seek
Oh, AB....
That's priceless from another one of the CMC! Even worse, AJ eventually makes the same connection, to which Sweetie blushes! It's just a matter of whethe or not the two like each other in that way...
DAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW **BOOM**
On todays news, A nuclear explosion rocked the planet. What was it? Who was the detonator? Know one will ever know...
Please sir, may I have some more?
Oooohhhhh, RumBelle sighting! Freaking adorable, too... Hope to see more updates before too long, as I actually forgot where we left off before I refreshed my memory.
2341349 I have a plan for the next event, but not for the next few. I'll do my very best to get these updates done faster; I promise. Thank you for coming back again after all these months.
Why didn't Rarity just use her telekinesis to GRAB Sweetie Belle??
2341541 This is the second time you've pointed out a plot hole to me. Now I feel incompetent. I have no reason why she couldn't have done that, and I apologize. Thank you for pointing this hole out to me as well.
I don't think I'll change it, though. I've left this story unfinished for far too long, and I'm going to finish it despite this plot hole. I apologize if you didn't find it to be enjoyable.
Oh, it was enjoyable, don't worry. It's just that with Rarity getting so mad, I just wonder why she didn't just grab Sweetie Belle and go home.
2341594 Ah. Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it. And I don't think I have an explanation for why she didn't, to be honest.
LOL. You will never catch them! Never!
2342910
It has been two days now and I STILL don't know how to reply to your comment!
The least I can do, though, is thank you for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate the time and the comment.
Oh good, an update. To be honest, I think I liked this one better than the others. Maybe we can have a little more of this kind of stuff after their little game is over, and proceed to have a sequel or two. Great work, buddy!
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2425939 Well, you'll get another chapter then! Some time either this week or next. I'll be working on it.
Thank ye for the comment, and I'm glad you found that note enjoyable.
2425948
i really love your writing 
It will be like waiting for the new episode of mlp 
A Berry Punch that isn't a drunk?
2440825 A Berry Punch that owns a bar. I never thought about making her an alcoholic in this; the way I see her is a pony that owns a bar, a pony that knows how to handle her alcohol. And when I think of bars, I think of bar fights, which led to the boxing ring. I thought that one way that siblings bond is through playfighting, and boxing came up, especially since it was Berry and Piña won the Sisterhooves Social in the episode.
So yeah, not an alcoholic, just a barowner that likes to box with her little sister. I'll admit that I've only read one Berry Punch story, so it is a risk I'm taking to characterize her this way.
I do thank you for leaving a comment, though.
2440842
I think it was in a fantasy novel I've read that said you should never trust a drunk barkeep. Still good way to buck the fandom's apparent characterization of her.
I haven't read many Berry Punch fics either, my favorite characterization of her is a brewmeister
Ouch, Thunderlane. That's gotta hurt. Damn mares.
2441002>>2441104 Nah, he's fine.
But it's gonna get much crazier.
2441397
I don't expect Rumble or Sweetie to be allowed outside their respective homes for months after this.
Also, what I really like is the pulling in of other pairs of siblings in each chapter.
I thought Rarity could fight better than that. After all, she did give a good fight against changelings.
2442054 I had to think about that during writing, but the best justification I can come up with is:
1. Piña Colada is a filly, and therefore could potentially be harmed.
2. Rarity wasn't prepared to defend anything.
In fact, this part:
Came about from Rarity's competency with the Changeling battle, although it does not reference it in any way.
Of course, that may not justify why she didn't defend herself against Piña, in which case, I have nothing.
But thank you for still reading.
2440867 Well, I'm glad you liked the deviation from the norm. I hope you've enjoyed the story thus far.
2442669
I am
That was insane!
2448695 Yeah, but it's going to be straight-up chaos in the next chapter.
Also, thank you for commenting!
Damn
2449304
What?
You know, I liked this story. I really did. It was nice, cute, and funny. But this chapter...
Ummm, I don't know what to say. This chapter through me through loops I didn't think you had and left a little sour taste in my mouth.
Rumble seems really...possessive of Sweetie Belle. I know it's young love, but at this point he's pushing it.
First off, this chase. How long do they plan on running. Forever?
Secondly, Rumble's brother. I mean, Thunderlane got hurt. HURT while chasing him. And he has the audacity to steal Sweetie Belle. Especially after how worried sick they made both Rarity. (And Thunderlane.) And again, we see that Sweetie Belle wanted to just stop running and go home with her big sister. But Rumble isn't having any of that.
Next, sweet little Rumble was going to hit Rarity. HIT HER! That's taking this whole game a little too far. Which again, struck me as strange. When the story first started out, Rumble came off as this sweet little colt that I just couldn't help but 'daaaw' at. Now...ugh.
I don't know what to say.
I feel so sorry for Thunderlane here. I mean, he didn't mean to hit Sweetie, but he still gets brutally punished for his deed. (Though, as an older sibling, I would have done the same if someone had hit my little sister, accident or not.
)
Pina....I don't like her, plain her simple.
Berry is okay here and I like the way you portrayed her.
But, I'm just not sure how this story is going to end. I mean, Sweetie hurt and their still running. Do they still think this is a game? (Are they that stupid?)
Honestly, these two deserve a harsh punishment. (Rumble especially so. Sweetie should have something light, since she, at least at this point, just wanted to stop and got hurt.)
Just to be clear, I love this story. I really do. I loved every second of it, until this chapter. Which rankled me. No offense. I just wanted to get this off my chest.
2453578 First off, thank you for taking the time to read my story. I am happy that you liked it up to this point. And I apologize for failing you in this chapter. It's fine that you needed to get it off of your chest; what you talk about could possibly help me not only with this story, but with the other ones I write in the future.
I agree 100% about the Rumble-hitting Rarity thing. I should have caught that as OOC, and I've no excuse for it. I will attempt to change it to something more lighthearted.
I'm glad that you felt sorry for Thunderlane.
As for the game still going on, I have something in mind that will either be heartwarming or frustrating to readers; I don't know yet.
There are two more chapters to this story, the next one coming out either tomorrow or Sunday, but I thank you for showing me your concerns. You've shown me something that has provided me a clearer path to where the story needs to go, and I thank you for that. The next chapter isn't going to be mild by any means, but it will be directed towards a different goal than what I originally had in mind, which would've not only dragged the story on for too long, but would've made the running much more unjustified.
Again, thank you for your input, and I hope you stick around to the end, and that I can provide a better two chapters.
2453936 First off, I should be thanking you. You're an excellent author and I'm glad to see RumblexSweetie Belle. (I thought I was the only one to ship them.) (As well, with your skill, would you mind checking out 'Chrysalis's little Rush'. I'd love your opinion on that.)
I do apologize if I made you deviate from you original ideas. This is your story and I never wanted to force you to change. (Although, I do appreciate the response. I do prefer long and well thought out comments.)(Though, to be honest, I think the previous chapter would have been a great place to end it. We had a nice ride, following these characters, and the kids learnt that sometimes taking things too far or for too long can be bad. [such as Thunderlane getting injured.] As well as the message that Lotus offered Rarity. A good cute epilogue could have followed. Again, this is your story and this comment is my opinion. I do not want to force you to change your ideas.)
And don't worry, I never quit on a story. As long as you have a good, solid ending, it'll be alright.
2457009 I shall do my best to deliver. Actually, with some brainstorming, I think I'm going to add one more chapter than I mentioned, rounding it out to three chapters (curse my indecision!). I still thank you for your comment; you exposed a major OOC moment to me and, although I won't change much to the previous chapter, I will be changing that OOC bit. As for changing, it wasn't completely because of your comment; I realized 1,400 words in typing the next one that there was a massive plothole in it, and it had to change.
As for your story, I've read up to where Chrysalis finished telling Sugar the bedtime story in chapter 5, and I'll try and leave you a comment tomorrow.
Up to this point I was impressed with the Story and Characterization. After finding out Thunderlane was hurt, the game was over and the story could move from there. The note at the end of the last chapter struck me as very odd, completely out of character from what we saw of Rumble. I originally though perhaps it was a Pinkie Pie prank where she kept the game going but as Evowizard25 has already said, this chapter left a bad taste in my mouth, like the entire chapter was an April's fools day crack chapter. I apologize if I sound harsh in my criticism or rehash on what others have said but I really do think this story still has potential. I will continue to read this story and hope that I will continue to enjoy the remainder of the story.