The rain was pouring down as Rumble sped away from the spa. Ponyville was beginning to look blurry from the storm, giving him less options for places to hide. He almost began to fly towards the school playground, but was knocked on the head by the filly on his back.
“Rumble!” Sweetie Belle yelled. “What are you doing!?”
He shook the pain away and began looking at the surrounding buildings. “It’s all part of the game.”
“Didn’t you hear Rarity? The game’s over.” She twisted herself off of his back. “Thunderlane got hurt and I almost died!”
Rumble shook his head. The game isn’t over, we weren’t caught. Besides, you didn’t die!”
Sweetie Belle blinked. “So? I almost did! And what about your brother?”
Rumble’s eyes narrowed, and he looked away. “Well-he-he...”
The sky lit up, and thunder clapped. “Well, I’m cold, I’m soaking wet, and Rarity’s going to be furious at us! I don’t know about you, but I’m gonna go home before I get into anymore trouble.”
She began to walk away, but Rumble jumped in her way. “No, you can’t!”
“Why not?”
Rumble began to fiddle with his hooves. “Because... because—”
Sweetie Belle began to walk around him, and Rumble, in a last-ditch effort, threw himself at her.
She froze. Their snouts were touching, and Rumble rubbed his furiously with hers. Her cheeks warmed her face, and Rumble tilted his head back, allowing for their lips to brush. And then he pulled away, and a goofy grin unraveled on her face.
“Um...” She turned away from him, twisting her hoof in the wet dirt.
“Ooh, looks like somepony’s got herself a coltfriend!”
They both turned to the bar, where, in the window, a filly was watching them with a grin. Sweetie Belle blinked, and then what she had said registered. “He’s not my coltfriend!”
Rumble nodded. “She’s not my fillyfriend!”
Sweetie Belle looked at him, mouth agape. “What?”
Rumble looked at her. “What?”
“RUMBLE!”
They both looked in the distance, where a cloud of steam was moving like that of a train. Rumble’s eyes became pinpricks. He turned to the filly. “Hey, can we hide in there?”
“Hide from what?” she asked.
“We’re running from my big sister and his big brother,” Sweetie Belle said, still glaring at Rumble.
The filly’s confused expression turned into a cocky smirk. “Yeah, you can hang out in here.” With that, she hopped down from the windowsill and, a few seconds later, opened the door. They both ran in at the same time.
When they were inside, the two soaking wet foals shook themselves off. The filly tried shielding herself from the rainwater. “‘Ey, not in here!” she yelled. “I’ll run up and get you guys some towels—”
“Piña Colada!” They looked up and saw the filly’s older sister, Berry Punch, slam a glass mug onto the counter. “What’s all this?”
Sweetie Belle and Rumble prepared for more chiding, but Piña was relaxed as she answered. “It’s cool, sis. They just need to chill from their brother and sister for a while. I’mma take ‘em up to my room and—”
“Now hang on a moment, filly.” Berry Punch stepped around the counter and looked at them. She blanched. “You’re Rarity’s li’l sister, right?”
Sweetie Belle nodded.
Berry shook her head. “Oh, no. I’ve dealt with Rarity when she’s pissed off, and that ain’t happenin’ again.”
Piña knocked on Berry’s flank. “They don’t hafta know they’re in here—”
“NO.” Berry turned the two around. “You all better go on an’ get your rumps outta here before—”
She didn’t finish. There was a thud.
“RUMBLE!”
Rarity’s mane was no longer on fire, but for a few seconds the rain that fell on her coat sizzled and evaporated on contact, leaving her steaming. Thunderlane followed the steam to where she was looking everywhere, and landed next to her.
“It doesn’t look like they’re here,” he said.
Oh, really?” She facehoofed. “And what gave you that idea?”
Thunderlane back away. “Whoa, easy. Relax.”
She froze. “Relax? Relax?” She stomped to him, butting heads with him. “How can I relax when my sister was foalnapped—by your brother, no less—and could now be in even more danger than before?”
He laid a hoof on her shoulder, but she threw it off. “Look, I know things look bad, but getting all flustered isn’t going to help anypony. Now, take some deep breaths and relax, or else you’re going to pass out.”
She opened her mouth to argue, but nothing came out. With a sigh, she closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths, and with a final sigh, opened her eyes, looking depressed. “Y’know, maybe I wouldn’t be so nervous if it wasn’t raining.”
He nodded. “Yeah, it’s raining pretty hard right now.” He looked at her and saw her mane glued partially over her eyes. “Here, let me get that outta the way.”
She raised a brow. “Get what out of—” Before she could finish her question, Thunderlane had pressed his cheek on hers. She stood, stunned, as he grabbed a portion of her mane and moved it behind her. He slid his face over hers, almost touching muzzles, and did the same thing on the other side. He moved back.
“There. All better.”
She was speechless for a moment, and then Thunderlane wiped his now-flat mohawk from his face, putting it behind him. She controlled the blood that rushed to her face. “Thank you.”
He nodded, smiling. “Now, you begin by searching around these houses. I’ll fly up and—”
There was a thud.
“Hurry, before she gets up!”
They looked to the source of the noise, the window of The Punch Bowl, but couldn’t see inside. They heard a few sets of small hooves scrambling on a wooden floor.
“They’re in there,” Rarity said.
“Yeah.” Thunderlane flew over and opened the door. “Remember: be calm.”
Rarity didn’t answer as she went inside. He walked in after her and shut the door.
It was dark inside, with only a lantern lit at the bar. It cast a faint light in the room, and they could see that there were no patrons sitting down, and the tables and stools had been wiped clean. The floor was spotless, and the bar itself was immaculate. The only noise coming from the building was something being rummaged in another room, and a groaning on the floor in front of them.
“Oh, my head.” It was a mare.
Rarity crept forward, keeping her eyes on the floor. “Hello?”
“We’re closed.” She pulled herself up with a table, holding her head. “You’re gonna hafta leave now.”
Rarity wouldn’t have any of that. “Berry, is my sister here?”
“You’re Rarity, aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
Berry Punch groaned. “Yeah, your little sis is here. She’s—AGH!” She stood up and rested her cheek on the table. “Dang, that brat really popped me good. That’s gonna be a shiner. I need some ice.” She ambled to the bar.
Rarity, meanwhile, had walked to the stairs and strained her ear upwards. “Is she upstairs?” Suddenly, as she finished that, there was a loud THUD! on the first floor. “What was that?”
Berry Punch laid a bag over her eye. “By the sounds of it, the foals are gonna be boxing.”
“WHAT?”
“Relax.” Berry poured herself a glass of bourbon. “Piña Colada knows how to box. She’ll make sure they don’t get hurt in the ring.”
“My Sweetie Belle’s going to box?”
“You have a ring?” Thunderlane asked. He looked at Rarity and, seeing her deadpanned expression, smiled sheepishly.
“Some ponies get riled up when they’re drunk, so I have a ring to let them blow off some steam.” She turned her head to Rarity. “And no, they’re in that room right there.” She pointed to a door across from the bar.
The two ponies trotted to the door, hearing some things moving, and then some muffled hoofsteps. They looked at each other, and nodded. “Alright, Thunderlane,” Rarity said, taking a shakily deep breath. “Let’s calmly handle this.”
“Right,” he replied. Thunderlane opened the door and stepped inside.
There was a full-scale boxing ring in the middle of the room, complete with three ropes surrounding it. The light that was on cast the ring like it was in the spotlight, illuminating it and the four corners. At the far corner, Piña Colada was fitting what looked like boxing gloves on Sweetie Belle’s forehooves.
Thunderlane fluttered up and landed in the ring, and cleared his throat. “Hello, fillies.”
The two fillies whirled around, staring at him with wide eyes. “Ah, crud, it’s him!” She pointed at Thunderlane. “Get ‘im, Rumble!”
There was a sound of wings, and before Thunderlane could turn his head to the right.
THWACK!
The stallion was launched into the ring, tumbling and stopping on the canvas at another corner. He groaned, but quickly shook himself off and hopped onto his hooves.
“Yay, Rumble!” Piña shouted.
Rarity looked from Thunderlane to Rumble, who was wearing his own pair of gloves, as well as a pair of shiny red shorts. He flexed in front of her.
“That was great, huh Miss Rarity?”
In response, she stood on her hindlegs and crossed her hooves. “And just what do you think you’re doing?”
“We’re boxing!”
She didn’t change her pose. “Yes, I know that. But—oh, nevermind.” She turned to Sweetie Belle. “Young lady, it’s time to go home.”
For a moment the filly hesitated, but then Sweetie Belle began to pull the gloves off. Piña forced her hoof away from it. “What’re you doing?”
Sweetie Belle shrugged. “Sorry, but I-I don’t think that boxing’s really my thing.”
Rarity lowered herseslf. “Right, so why don’t we just end this now and head home?”
Sweetie Belle didn’t reply, scuffing a hood on the ground.
“Sweetie Belle?”
“Um...” She glanced at Rumble. “Do you think we could watch Rumble and Thunderlane box? ‘Cause then we could all go home together.”
“Darling,” Rarity began, “whyever would you want to watch ponies beat each other up? Boxing is nothing more than a sport for stallions to release their pent-up anger—”
“Hang on just a moment,” Piña interrupted. “Mares also box, y’know.”
Rarity rolled her eyes. “Anyway, it’s getting a bit late, and I think the storm’s just going to get worse.” She lifted Sweetie Belle with her magic and began pulling her. “Now let’s go home and—”
Sweetie Belle hadn’t protested, but Piña grabbed onto her. Rumble flew in between the sisters. “I told you she’s mine!” he yelled.
Rarity glared at him. “Move.” He didn’t budge. “Fine.” She quickly shook Sweetie Belle until Piña couldn’t hold on, and carried her over Rumble. “Now we’re going home.”
"Oh, come on, Rarity!" he whined. He chuckled and moved in her way, putting his hooves up. Rarity saw this and, being the proper lady she was, threw up a leg in defense.
“RUMBLE!” It was not Rarity, but Thunderlane who had yelled. “We do not hit fillies!”
Rumble stopped mid-punch. “But—”
“No buts.” Thunderlane stepped towards them and pushed Rumble back. “Now apologize.”
Rumble’s ears dropped, and he sunk to the floor. “Sorry, Miss Rarity.”
“Oh no,” came the venomous reply. “You’re really going to be sorry when we leave.” Rarity stroked her sister’s mane. “Now come, dear. Let’s—”
BAM!
She staggered backwards, clutching her nose. It was bleeding. Looking down, she saw Piña Colada in front of her, poised for a fight. “How dare you!?”
The filly threw a few ghost punches. “Hey, colts may not be able to hit fillies, but there ain’t no rule on fillies hitting other fillies!” She stopped punching and held the gloves in front of her. “Put ‘em up!”
Rarity was at a loss for words. Instead, her eye began to twitch, and her breathing became ragged. Her face began turning a dark red.
“Why you-you little beast! When I get my hooves on you—”
BAM!
She flew to the ropes, where she bounced off and landed in the ring. She groaned, holding her cheek. Before she could say anything, the door opened and Berry Punch entered.
“How’s everythin’ in here?” She looked from Rarity to Piña, and then back to Rarity. “Oh, boy. You caught one of her hooks, didn’t you?” When she didn’t answer, Berry went to the cabinet. “Alright, just hang in there, an’ I’ll lend you a hoof.”
Rarity stood on her hooves just as Piña threw another punch. She managed to duck that one, and began to canter around the ring, dancing around the filly’s punches and screaming for somepony to help her.
The other three ponies were engaged in their own little battle in the middle of the ring. Thunderlane had grabbed his own gloves and begun to throw jabs at his younger brother, who dodged most of them and connected his own jabs and crosses. Thunderlane had the advantage of being able to block more effectively, but most of his punches were missing. It was an even fight between them. And all the while, Sweetie Belle watched with the gloves still on her hooves, wondering if she should just leave the ring altogether. Thunderlane caught sight of her a few times, but before he could reach her, Rumble would regain his position and begin his assault all over again.
“Er, I think I’m just going to leave now,” she said quietly. “So...”
Before she could reach the ropes, Rumble was sent flying to the opposite side of the ring, and Thunderlane flew in her path.
“And where do you think you’re going?” he said, putting his hooves up. “Don’t you wanna fight?”
Sweetie Belle gulped. “No, not really, no.”
Thunderlane chuckled and raised a hoof. She curled into a ball, waiting for a lot of pain. Instead, she felt a somewhat light punch on her back. She looked back up and he threw another punch. It was just as weak as the other ones.
“Um...” Then Thunderlane threw them in rapid succession. “Please stop that.” He socked her in the cheek, causing her to frown. “Okay, stop that.” Another hook to the opposite cheek. “I said stop!” But he wouldn’t. He kept punching her in the back, and then Sweetie Belle snapped. She lifted her hooves and swung as hard as she could.
It made contact, sending him twirling into the center of the ring. He danced dizzily before suffering an uppercut from Rumble. The colt flew over to her as Thunderlane hit the canvas.
“Alright, Sweetie Belle!” he yelled, high-hoofing her. “That was a nice punch.”
Sweetie Belle looked at her glove, and then at Thunderlane, and then a giggle came out. “Heh, that actually felt pretty good.”
Thunderlane pushed himself to his hooves. “Is that all you got?”
The two foals looked at each other, a manic grin appearing on their faces. “Let’s get him!”
“Yeah!”
And the two charged at him.
Meanwhile, Berry Punch finally jumped into the ring. “Alright, Rarity, I’m in. I’m comin’.”
“Berry Puuuuuunch, heeeeeeeelp me!” Rarity was flailing her hooves in front of her while Piña shifted from side to side, looking for an opening.
“Alright, you li’l devil,” Berry said, tapping her little sister on the shoulder. “Take this!” She threw her away from the post, then swung with a left hook and sent the filly towards the ropes. Rarity gasped behind her, but then Piña stood up again.
“Alright, sis,” she said, walking towards the mare with her gloves up. “Let’s go, then!”
Berry Punch obliged, throwing a jab but missing and being struck by Piña’s own jab. They circled around, staring straight at each other, beating each other.
Rarity snuck away from them and looked at the other fight, gasping when she saw Sweetie Belle taking on Thunderlane. What shocked her even more was how well the filly was doing.
“Keep your hooves up, Sweetie Belle!” Thunderlane barked, throwing another sluggish jab.
Sweetie Belle threw her hooves up, and upon seeing that the gloves took most of the impact, let out a squeal of delight. She then put on a serious face and wound up her foreleg in preparation for a very hard punch.
“Oh, it looks like that’s gonna be pretty powerful,” Thunderlane said almost mockingly. He threw his hooves up for preparation.
Now Sweetie Belle, fighting in a ring for the very first time, had no idea how to control her glove. She had seen a few fights before, and these kinds of punches would usually knock the other pony down. So she spun her foreleg around, perhaps to get enough power in it. She still had no idea how to throw a proper punch like this, so when she launched at him, her hoof didn’t go for his face, but past it. Under it, to be precise.
It made contact directly between his hindlegs.
Thunderlane’s eyes bugged, and the groan he let out was voiceless, with a very faint high-pitch rasp emanating. His body trembled, his forelegs shook. His face contorted into a pained smile, drool dribbling out, tears welling up. He fell to his stomach, one foreleg holding himself up, the other clenching his private area.
Rumble flew to his side, and Sweetie Belle walked up to his face. “Are you okay?” she asked. He wheezed. “I-um-I didn’t mean to hit you down there. I was just trying to—”
He threw a solid punch, and she flew and hit the canvas.
She lay there, paralyzed for a moment, and then her eyes began to water. She sniffled, throwing off the gloves and covering her bleeding snout. She kicked her hindlegs rapidly, and then she began to bawl.
Berry and Piña stopped their fight to see what the noise was, and ran to Sweetie Belle’s side. “Oh, boy,” Berry said, moving Sweetie’s hoof to see the damage. “You bopped her pretty bad.”
Thunderlane grunted. “Hello? I’m in a lot of pain here.”
Rumble, not knowing what to do, hugged his big brother. “Don’t worry. You’ll be fine. Just take deep breaths.”
Thunderlane sighed raspily. “That won’t work, Rumble.”
All of this was lost on Rarity, who stood in the corner. She didn’t hear Berry Punch play the responsible adult and comfort the crying Sweetie Belle, nor did she hear Thunderlane and Rumble begin to argue. The only thing she registered was her sister crying and the blood coming out of her nose.
And then her vision went red.
Steam began to come out of her nostrils with every breath.
Her legs trembled below her.
The air around her began to warp.
And if somepony looked in her mouth while she spoke, they would see a glowing yellow light like that found in furnaces.
“You-you brute! You beast! When I get my hooves on you...” Her body shook with rage, the canvas vibrating violently.
The other four looked around and saw her, while Sweetie Belle kept crying. Berry Punch’s eyes widened as she saw the ropes around Rarity bang together. “Whoa, nelly, we gotta go.” Without anypony else registering, she slid Piña across the canvas and under the rope, shooed Rumble out, and grabbed Sweetie Belle and jumped out of the ring.
Thunderlane watched them all leave in a flash. “Hey, where’re you all going?”
“I’ll destroy you!”
He turned just in time to see a hoof connect to his jaw. He spun around, only to have another hoof hit him square on the snout. He groaned, but still more hooves came.
“Calm down, Rarity!” he yelled.
She didn’t stop. “Do you think I’m going to let you get away with hurting my baby sister!?”
“Listen, it was an—” he was bucked in the gut, and staggered backwards. He soon felt himself being trampled, each stomp directed on his underside. Her hooves were getting dangerously low, so in a last-ditch effort to save himself, he twisted to the left and tried rolling out of the ring.
“Oh no you don’t!” He soon found himself being levitated, and pulled toward her.
“Listen, it was an accident! I’m sorry, I’ll tell her I’m sorry!” He was flailing around, trying his best to get out.
For a moment all these was was the violent breathing; then Rarity took a few deep breaths and was soon just angry. “One more, Thunderlane. And then it will be over.”
Thunderlane agreed readily, but then he gasped. “But not there! Not there, anywhere but there!”
She appeared to consider it for a moment, and Thunderlane’s eyes became pinpricks. “Fine, then.” Thunderlane closed his eyes, awaiting the final blow, but soon heard her hooves hitting the canvas, leaving her on all fours again.
“Wait, what’s going—”
She turned and raised her hindlegs.
“Oh buck me.”
CRACK!
With that kick, Thunderlane was launched into the air, almost going straight through the ceiling, but only getting his head stuck. His body swung in place, and then went limp.
Rarity took a deep breath. “That felt good.” And then with grace, she levitated the various pairs of gloves and placed them neatly inside the cabinet. With her magic, she went under the ropes and let herself out of the room.
At the bar, Berry Punch was placing a bag of ice on her sister’s shoulder. “Hey there,” she said as Rarity made her way to the bar. Berry poured her a glass of red wine. “How’d things go in there?”
Rarity took the cup and downed it in one gulp. “Oh, the same way it went last time.”
Berry sighed. “I have a hole in my wall, don’t I?”
“Not exactly.” Berry raised a brow. “In the ceiling.”
Berry poured herself some more bourbon. “Well, it’s not the first time.”
“I feel giddy,” Rarity said calmly.
“That’s what happens when you fight.” Berry put the bag of ice on Piña’s other shoulder. “Don’t worry about your sis. I took care of her while you were handlin’ your business. I gave her a li’l cider to ease the pain, and she’s all good.”
Rarity passed her the glass. “Well, normally I’d object to her drinking, but she did get hit pretty hard. I’m sure a little won’t kill her.” She chuckled. “Where is she?”
“Oh, she left with that colt.”
Silence.
“Did they say where they were going?”
Piña spoke up. “They’re heading to Twilight’s.”
Rarity nodded. “Thank you, dear.” The door to the ring opened, and Thunderlane staggered out. “How’re you feeling?”
“Huh? What?”
“Come along now, Thunderlane,” she said. “We need to be off again.”
He sighed. “Can’t we rest first?”
“Here.” Berry passed him a bottle of whiskey. “On the house.”
“Thanks.” He drank it in one go, slammed the bottle down, and walked behind Rarity. “After you.”
They didn’t say a word to each other as they left the bar.
“Yep, there’s a hole in the ceiling.”
“An’ now you know why I don’t want to deal with Rarity when she’s pissed off.” Berry adjusted the bag of ice, placing it on Piña’s cheek. “Cheerilee’s gonna wonder what in Celestia’s name happened to you.”
Piña chuckled. “I’ll just say I was beating up my sister.”
Berry shook her head, giving the filly a noogie. “You’re all sweaty, you know that? You run on up an’ get in the tub. I gotta fix that hole before the rain floods this place, an’ then I’ll come on up an’ read you a story, ‘K?”
“”K!” The two sisters hugged and Piña, still holding the ice to her face, walked upstairs. Berry walked in the ring and looked at her reflection in the puddle of rainwater forming. Her cheeks were both red, and her eye was beginning to darken.
“Dang,” she said quietly. “She’s gettin’ pretty good. But...” She chuckled. “She still has a ways to go before she takes me down.”
She heard the pipes creaking, signaling the bath being filled up. With another sigh, she grabbed a ladder and prepared to get to work.
A Berry Punch that isn't a drunk?
2440825 A Berry Punch that owns a bar. I never thought about making her an alcoholic in this; the way I see her is a pony that owns a bar, a pony that knows how to handle her alcohol. And when I think of bars, I think of bar fights, which led to the boxing ring. I thought that one way that siblings bond is through playfighting, and boxing came up, especially since it was Berry and Piña won the Sisterhooves Social in the episode.
So yeah, not an alcoholic, just a barowner that likes to box with her little sister. I'll admit that I've only read one Berry Punch story, so it is a risk I'm taking to characterize her this way.
I do thank you for leaving a comment, though.
2440842
I think it was in a fantasy novel I've read that said you should never trust a drunk barkeep. Still good way to buck the fandom's apparent characterization of her.
I haven't read many Berry Punch fics either, my favorite characterization of her is a brewmeister
ouch just ouch
one word to describe this chapter
LOL
Ouch, Thunderlane. That's gotta hurt. Damn mares.
2441002>>2441104 Nah, he's fine.
But it's gonna get much crazier.
2441397
I don't expect Rumble or Sweetie to be allowed outside their respective homes for months after this.
Also, what I really like is the pulling in of other pairs of siblings in each chapter.
I thought Rarity could fight better than that. After all, she did give a good fight against changelings.
2442054 I had to think about that during writing, but the best justification I can come up with is:
1. Piña Colada is a filly, and therefore could potentially be harmed.
2. Rarity wasn't prepared to defend anything.
In fact, this part:
Came about from Rarity's competency with the Changeling battle, although it does not reference it in any way.
Of course, that may not justify why she didn't defend herself against Piña, in which case, I have nothing.
But thank you for still reading.
2440867 Well, I'm glad you liked the deviation from the norm. I hope you've enjoyed the story thus far.
2442669
I am
That was insane!
2448695 Yeah, but it's going to be straight-up chaos in the next chapter.
Also, thank you for commenting!
Damn
2449304 What?
You know, I liked this story. I really did. It was nice, cute, and funny. But this chapter... Ummm, I don't know what to say. This chapter through me through loops I didn't think you had and left a little sour taste in my mouth.
Rumble seems really...possessive of Sweetie Belle. I know it's young love, but at this point he's pushing it.
First off, this chase. How long do they plan on running. Forever?
Secondly, Rumble's brother. I mean, Thunderlane got hurt. HURT while chasing him. And he has the audacity to steal Sweetie Belle. Especially after how worried sick they made both Rarity. (And Thunderlane.) And again, we see that Sweetie Belle wanted to just stop running and go home with her big sister. But Rumble isn't having any of that.
Next, sweet little Rumble was going to hit Rarity. HIT HER! That's taking this whole game a little too far. Which again, struck me as strange. When the story first started out, Rumble came off as this sweet little colt that I just couldn't help but 'daaaw' at. Now...ugh. I don't know what to say.
I feel so sorry for Thunderlane here. I mean, he didn't mean to hit Sweetie, but he still gets brutally punished for his deed. (Though, as an older sibling, I would have done the same if someone had hit my little sister, accident or not.)
Pina....I don't like her, plain her simple.
Berry is okay here and I like the way you portrayed her.
But, I'm just not sure how this story is going to end. I mean, Sweetie hurt and their still running. Do they still think this is a game? (Are they that stupid?)
Honestly, these two deserve a harsh punishment. (Rumble especially so. Sweetie should have something light, since she, at least at this point, just wanted to stop and got hurt.)
Just to be clear, I love this story. I really do. I loved every second of it, until this chapter. Which rankled me. No offense. I just wanted to get this off my chest.
2453578 First off, thank you for taking the time to read my story. I am happy that you liked it up to this point. And I apologize for failing you in this chapter. It's fine that you needed to get it off of your chest; what you talk about could possibly help me not only with this story, but with the other ones I write in the future.
I agree 100% about the Rumble-hitting Rarity thing. I should have caught that as OOC, and I've no excuse for it. I will attempt to change it to something more lighthearted.
I'm glad that you felt sorry for Thunderlane.
As for the game still going on, I have something in mind that will either be heartwarming or frustrating to readers; I don't know yet.
There are two more chapters to this story, the next one coming out either tomorrow or Sunday, but I thank you for showing me your concerns. You've shown me something that has provided me a clearer path to where the story needs to go, and I thank you for that. The next chapter isn't going to be mild by any means, but it will be directed towards a different goal than what I originally had in mind, which would've not only dragged the story on for too long, but would've made the running much more unjustified.
Again, thank you for your input, and I hope you stick around to the end, and that I can provide a better two chapters.
2453936 First off, I should be thanking you. You're an excellent author and I'm glad to see RumblexSweetie Belle. (I thought I was the only one to ship them.) (As well, with your skill, would you mind checking out 'Chrysalis's little Rush'. I'd love your opinion on that.)
I do apologize if I made you deviate from you original ideas. This is your story and I never wanted to force you to change. (Although, I do appreciate the response. I do prefer long and well thought out comments.)(Though, to be honest, I think the previous chapter would have been a great place to end it. We had a nice ride, following these characters, and the kids learnt that sometimes taking things too far or for too long can be bad. [such as Thunderlane getting injured.] As well as the message that Lotus offered Rarity. A good cute epilogue could have followed. Again, this is your story and this comment is my opinion. I do not want to force you to change your ideas.)
And don't worry, I never quit on a story. As long as you have a good, solid ending, it'll be alright.
2457009 I shall do my best to deliver. Actually, with some brainstorming, I think I'm going to add one more chapter than I mentioned, rounding it out to three chapters (curse my indecision!). I still thank you for your comment; you exposed a major OOC moment to me and, although I won't change much to the previous chapter, I will be changing that OOC bit. As for changing, it wasn't completely because of your comment; I realized 1,400 words in typing the next one that there was a massive plothole in it, and it had to change.
As for your story, I've read up to where Chrysalis finished telling Sugar the bedtime story in chapter 5, and I'll try and leave you a comment tomorrow.
Up to this point I was impressed with the Story and Characterization. After finding out Thunderlane was hurt, the game was over and the story could move from there. The note at the end of the last chapter struck me as very odd, completely out of character from what we saw of Rumble. I originally though perhaps it was a Pinkie Pie prank where she kept the game going but as Evowizard25 has already said, this chapter left a bad taste in my mouth, like the entire chapter was an April's fools day crack chapter. I apologize if I sound harsh in my criticism or rehash on what others have said but I really do think this story still has potential. I will continue to read this story and hope that I will continue to enjoy the remainder of the story.
2515454 Ooh, wow! Thank you very much for the lovely comment! I'm currently working on the next chapter at the moment, 535 words so far. So... yes, you can have some moar.
The ship has sailed...
and I'm out of chapters!
There is only one reasonable response.
static.giantbomb.com/uploads/original/1/10355/1278370-moar2.jpg
Two complaints, though. Thunderlane punching Sweetie Belle after taking that hit is a very real reaction, and it drags in some unfunny reality. No one is happy with a situation like that, but that sort of thing happens.
Now, this is fine, but then you put it right next to a totally over-the-top beating from Rarity, which could also likely fit in just fine normally (albeit perhaps with just a very slight dialing back). Now, thing is, when you put the the unfunny moment-ending of a full -grown stallion reflexively punching a small filly hard enough to make her bleed next to the funny reality of the crotch shot and the funny unreality of the beatdown, well, it gives an unwelcome sort of mood whiplash that goes like relaxed-ohcool-hahaha-ohdamn-waitwhat-umm...ha? and leaves me feeling sort of awkward about the whole thing.
Also, why is Rumble punching Rarity? If he tackled her or something more lighthearted/playful, I think that'd work a lot better than straight up striking her, which comes across as overly aggressive when this is all part of a game to them.
On the whole, a pretty good chapter, but that last bit didn't fit.
Well...
This took an interesting AND unexpected turn.