- Member Since 14th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen Mar 9th, 2020
Shadowflash
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Could have been a lot better. I'll try mixing this up a lot more with the next one. I hope you don't kill me and shove pitchforks in my ass!
How do you keep writing such kickass stuff?!?!
1812125 I predict Octavia next am I right?
google.com/url?source=imglanding&ct=img&q=http://cdn.head-fi.org/a/a0/294x294px-LL-a0823f7c_Oh-Boy-here-we-go-again.jpeg&sa=X&ei=No3OUMDqH-aGjALZhIC4Dg&ved=0CAkQ8wc&usg=AFQjCNFhrNTStYUWL5bFf7Ue9WKNPQdAtg
Shadowflash... please mate. Why?
1812125 There will be many pitchforks in this one's ass tonight.
Very nice as usual! But... What happened to Thunderlane? Why was he there in the first place? Did he wake up to Lyra cries of passion and get a free peep show?
So...was Thunderlane still unconscious in the house while they did the deed?
And I can completely understand not doing anything with the Mane 6. The characters are already so developed that its hard to get really creative with the plot.
That Thunderlane bit was a bit redundant, now?
I mean, what was he doing there anyway? Except acting as a convenient target for a Righteous Punch To The Face to show the protagonist's moral rectitude? That could've been cut completely and it wouldn't have had any impact on the story. He wasn't even needed to open the door because Lyra wasn't inside the house!
Also: Poor Thunderlane. He's always getting the creepy chauvinist pig/rapist parts. Personally I blame his colour scheme and haircut.
I was confused as fuck for the majority of the story because the main character was human and I thought the rest were ponies, and then I thought they were humans and back to ponies and so on.
This was a bit confusing. I Don't remember ponies having hands or wearing jeans. Other then that, this was a great story!
awesome story a bit confused but the story was still awesome
Fuck, I gotta get to bed...
*saves for read later*
Wow.
She just went full on crazy.
Like 0 - Bugfuck in 3.7 seconds.
Get outta there man, one day you're going to do something else to piss her off and end up with several new holes.
Even ignoring it as a clop fic, which in that respect was handled nicely, this was still very well written and had a lot of good character build up, My only gripe is that, I'm not sure if it is implied or not but I think Thunderlane is a rapist?
Suggestions:
>The Mayor Mare
>Octavia (the opposite of Vinyl)
>Nurse Redheart (Aaron Neville song: Sexual Healing)
>The Flower Triplets (Rose, Lily and Daisy)
>Fluer de Liz (never seen a HIE fic that ships that character or any one in Canterlot)
>Cheerilee (Popular Van Halen song)
>Berry Punch (booze is awesome)
>Zecora (the rhyming would be a pain)
Hmmmmm Yes. Fucking in the garden while some asshole is bleeding and unconscious in the foyer. How uncouth
yet ravishing 
at the same time. Well Played.
I just farted.
1813595>>1812312>>1812416>>1812636
I don't know why I put Thunderlane's bit in. I do agree it was random, and I wish I elaborated more on why he was there. But, we learn from our mistakes, and next time something like this happens, I'll make sure to change it up.
My next fic will definitely cover new areas and make the stories more unique. No one wants to read the same story 40 times, right?
1812671
As for you:
A) I love your profile picture. Funny as hell.
B) Anthropomorphic fics are confusing, but, think of the ponies human, but still ponies. Tails, mane's, horns, fur. Et cetera.
1814363
I'm glad you did.
Main character seems a bit of a pussy; if I were him I would just leave rather than live with such an argumentative mare. As far as I'm concerned Thunderlane can have this version of Lyra...
Hm. I'll have to read this later. No time right now.
1814373
Not saying it was a bad idea to put him in there, just saying that there was perhaps some lack of explanation or context to make it fit properly. It would have made a great plot device had the protagonist asked Lyra what he was doing there and Lyra broke down and said something along the lines of "I'm Sorry. After you left, I didn't know what to do...." etc. etc etc. Or perhaps even if they had more of a falling out if you don't mind tossing a "sad" tag onto the story; maybe toss a little more Bon-Bon in there as a possible romantic interest after the split. Like a rebound, except him finding love once more. Maybe toss in a moral to the story about how there's always love out there, but you have to find it and all that. Again, I feel you had the right idea, but didn't quite expand the plot enough to make him fit properly. I mean, you DID make him seem a little on the rape-y side, which may not have been the best choice in such an emotionally charged atmosphere.
1814492
Well, the next fic I'm writing will be a lot more prominent in the fact of the relationship progressing over the course of a few days. Of course, it's a lot more complex than that, but, I promise the next one will be better.
Once again, great job. However, I felt like Thunderlane's character was off. I don't know about you, but he seems too lazy to try and pull something like that on Lyra, but who knows
static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Me_f0e7a8_2996099.jpg
Something seems to be missing from this whole story though...
Oh well, wonderful job, regardless.
1816190
Don't worry. Next fic will cover most of what I missed.
that... was... interesting. The clop scene MIGHT have been a bit too descriptive, but that was a very good story, believeable storyline. media.photobucket.com/image/recent/blue_drache/Memes/epic-win.jpg
you never fail to amaze me mate i shall get you a medal and ship it to canadia
Don't make me laugh.
1817099
I will.
I really like this story.
I was a nice story, but it seemed like you weren't sure if you where writing anthro, or humanized ponies. You refer to the ponies as man, or women, eve when it is another pony talking about another most of the time. Plus in one part you said feet, instead of hooves when Bon-Bon came in. It was kinda confusing.
Am I the only one wondering if Thunderlane is alright?
Cardboard. That`s the word that summarizes the extent of this fiction.
I swear that Thunderlane had to be left in a trash can or something after the character and Lyra were done. Plus, why didn't the main character say he still lived there? I did enjoy the story as a whole, but Thunderlane was a but unnecessary. Even if he was relevent, a bit of explanation on what happened to him might have been useful.
1818876
Anthro means they have most, if not all, human parts, but still look like ponies. I believe people are very confused on what I mean when I write this, and I'm going to cover that problem with my next fiction.
So, the human parts they have are breasts, hands, feet.
They still have coats of fur, snouts, mane's and tails, unicorn horns (and/or) wings.
1819576
Can't impress everyone!
1820522
I know what anthro means. It is just that in most cases the anthro retains the digigrade stance, or in other words, animal legs/feet. So in my mind you saying feet, and not hoves ws confusing. Also didn't help that when refering to the ponies you kept saying man and women, and not mare, and stallion.
1820584
Yeah, I think my editor did that. I referred to them as mare's when I first wrote this up.
No worries, I'll tell her not to take that out in my next one.
And I understand your confusion, too. I get confused over the concept, but, if the fiction is decent, then it's worth a like, or read, or favourite. Thanks for reading, if you did.
Its... dry. Serviceable, but dry. Nice effort though.
Strange I imagined the fight with Thunderlane would've lasted as long as this fight than a simple punch to the face.
The way this story is set up almost scared me when Bon-Bon came into the picture because I was reminded of the fake "Nice Guys" that I read about a long time ago, where they're a type of sexual predator who fakes being nice just to get into the woman's pants, just like what Lyra was talking about for the main character when she kicks him out. One particular trait of the fake "Nice Guy" is that he'll turn most or all of the woman's friends against her in an effort to help him be with her. I'm just glad that Bon-Bon in here just helps him understand Lyra's reasoning and personality better, especially with getting him to tell her what he really should have said in the first place. You did a good job of showing that kind of relationship with Lyra and the guy, great job.
awful start, i read the first lines, awful....
first: if lyra loves him so much for 2 years... why did she started yelling at him?, really?, she things they have been together for 2 years just for the sex?. then i jump to the ending and see "ill love you for ever".....WHAT?, where is the conflict?, she made the conflict?
i can only see an author with heavy issues... "if you had a coin for every girl with less inteligence than mine..."... seriously, solve them.
i recomend a book called "no more mister nice guy" from robert glober, you might want to start there
thumbs down for a story wich makes no sense in the real world... trust me... not all women are like that...
1820594
Nothing confusing about anthro. What was confusing was that you said anhro, but used terminology that suggest humanized.
wait so what happened to thunderlane?
1823331
Not sure what women you've been dating, my friend, but a lot of women can be a major plot device for stories.
I admit, this was less than par, but the reasons you gave were:
A) Already pointed out by me
B) Really no relevance to the story
C) You've never wrote up a story.
I can understand most people can critique a story. But I never take them seriously if they don't actually have one wrote up. Dislike if you will, but try to write a story yourself so I can take your critique seriously.
1823896
That's the point of anthro. I'm hoping to cover a lot of the misconception in the next fic I'm working on, so it'll be less confusing for people like you.
1825708
If you are writing an antghro story you should use terminology that suggest that the character are anthro. There will be less "is this an anthro, or a humanized story?" confusion.
1825794
I am. No worries there.
good work, makes me feel sad, confused, delighted and heart warmed as well.
in the last bigger text block...
I guess the "you" should be a "she" or do i mistake there something
*me<- not an native English speaker*...
1825955
I was implying you grabbed her legs and put them around your waist. Sorry if that was a bit confusing!
1825961 owww.... ok :P got it ^^