- Member Since 23rd Sep, 2012
- offline last seen Jul 1st, 2022
Nightmare Chaser
A writer that loves to simply write when he can
Nightmare Chaser
Joined 23rd Sep, 2012 ·
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First ever, huh? Right, I'll go with contstructive criticism:
Honestly, I get a little discouraged when I see lines like
in a HiE. It keeps reminding me that in almost all HiE clop stories the protagonist is an irresistible ladiesman. It may not be Rarity only who looks at the protagonist like that, but hey, I've been wrong before.
Not too good, but not too bad either: as I see it it's pretty much your basic self-insert (only that it's a friend of yours and not... well... you) where the protagonist gets to fuck his favourite character from the show. Seen it alot of times before and this one's not really anything special. Not when you compare it to someone like, let's say, Crowley anyhow.
Anyway, I don't really see a problem with the writing other than with the transition/pacing; you should definitely continue writing if you feel you can entertain people with it though.
I like it, but my really only complaint is that...well...
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/26699071.jpg
I KNEW IT
Uhm maybe pairing a completly anon human with Chrysalis it's not the best idea of a one-shot story...i mean in just an afternoon they find love in each other? im sure Chrysalis cant fall in love so quickly.
But aside of that i really liked it and if this is your first then dont give up its good
2058459
I agree
Here's a video for your picture!
2060190
But the author has potential, an should keep up the good job.
YEP!
I'm just gonna stick with the stories i already have and leave the clop to authors like crowley .
I only wrote this to see how it would turn out and since the pacing was off i'm just gonna leave this as it is and continue work on Earth's Changeling Era, Immortality of exma, and The Harmony of a Half-Blood (new in the making of story). So uh keep an eye out for those and uh feel free to comment on them.
It's about time I've seen a story with Queen Chrysalis. Like it.
2072208 there are others but i guess you read mine first
Pacing is a bit quick and the grammar is a bit off (since you're Swedish, that's okay)
But otherwise, I loved it!
Author's note: i'm not swedish fyi, i'm a full blown born and raised US citizen, this story is about my friend who is in facr swedish i just suck with grammar so to anyone who thinks i'm swedish i am NOT
Thank you
Great job for your first clop.
2138173 Uh thanks but to be honest it's my first and possibly only clop i will write unless i don't get much popularity on my other stories
not bad but you need more open format if it was secend person and 2 i felt you rushed a tad
after this part: You hear her mumble something before you feel her tongue lick your shaft slowly. you neet to look at this http://www.comdotgame.com/play/queen-chrysalis
HOW DID YOU KNOW I LIVE IN SWEDEN
2451022 I didn't
2481468 that's the point.
I'm just pointing out the fact that it's a coincidence.
"dismissesthe" should be "dismisses the".
2557805 *looks through it* huh your right I will go change that
2665148 thank you
everypony needs a love and tenderness.
Lots of grammar errors. Needs a proofreader to go over it with you.
3147999 i know i know i know
Yay sweden
OK I give this one a 8.5/10
good story bro I would have liked for it to be bit longer though 
still good (Plus it being your first try)
Problems with this story:
1) Celestia would most likely argue with Queen Chrysalis and banish her from her kingdom. You have the queen being banished from her castle, then Celestia feeling sorry for her when in reality, Celestia would still be angry for the attack on her castle; she would most likely banish Chrysalis from Canterlot.
2) The clop is too short. Why would you put bareback first? You should at least build it up. Use whatever you can to make it sexy from the start.
3) I didn't really have a feel for the short story. I mean, the whole relationship ordeal between Chrysalis and the human is a great mutual benefit thing, but you have to be able to show why he should love her. All you gave us is her self pity and others feeling sorry for her. It's really a bad way to portray characters; it takes time to forgive.
It's your first story, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. In my gradebook, this story probably gets a 6/10. Punctuation and grammar were fine, but the plot was more of a convenience, and you just jumped straight into the sex (seriously, imagine Sonic fucking someone; that's how fast it was). Don't let it get you down; I deleted my first story because I couldn't make a lot of chapters and because I let it get me down.
3697427 just SHUT UP -_- he wasn't writing this to be an episode, he wrote this how he wanted HIS story to be. And if you can't understand that, then GTFO
And to the author, yeah, it could have been longer, but I still give the story a 10/10, good job
4154326 look, I have nothing against the story. I was just pointing out some of the problems. There were only 3 problems with the storyline, and I couldn't really get into the story. But I have nothing against the story or author. So just take a few minutes to cool off.
4154326 I do appreciate your help and I thank you for the rating but he has every right to give me criticism and i appreciate his honest opinions and advice for improving the story if i decide to do another one.
4156696 Thank you for your input and advice on what you found at fault with the story in the future if i write another clop I will try to make it longer and give it more build up to the actual sensual moment.
3306469 Thanks good to know it's a fairly enjoyable story.
5297472 No problem
5297476 Short... Quick... But nice. I would love to see a sequel in which you could put a bit more effort.
The only remotely believable (non-violent) response I can think of would have gone something like this:
It's at this point that the former queen would offer Celestia something worth providing shelter to the foe who nearly enslaved her kingdom just a few days ago (leading into their private chat, in this case). I get that this is just a oneshot clop fic but some minor semblance of social realism is still necessary. It's hard to get your jollies when your brain is too busy screaming "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL!?' to care about the sexy times. Your grammar and spelling are fine, though. Little hiccups here and there but every story will have those.
It is badly written, it's funny to me :D
5726958 It is Celestia we are talking about, she is very forgiving, I mean Discord tried, no, did take over Equestria and she forgave him.
3697427 The only one I disagree with is the first one, Celestia is very forgiving, basically she is very motherly, so it is likely that even after what happened that she would forgive Chrysalis. In your statement, you're basically saying that Celestia is a unforgiving character who if you wrong her she won't forgive you.
7064034
After imprisoning him in stone for 2,000 years the first time and then making him do another short stint the second with a probationary period and mandatory rehabilitation program substituted in. A move that frankly seems more like an attempt to nip a future problem in the bud now that she knows that it's possible for him to escape; she had to know that she might not have the boon of the elements' power the next time he broke free. She also didn't free him a few weeks after he was reimprisoned or completely forgive him on-the-spot simply because he made a pouty face at her. She can be forgiving, yes, and she's also misjudged people & situations on occasion or taken arguably foolish risks but she's not some airheaded idiot flowerchild with the memory of a goldfish.
What we are presented with here is someone who wanted to literally enslave & farm Celestia's people as food and she's immediately forgiven for being what amounts to an Equestrian mash-up of the machines from The Matrix and Adolph Hilter simply because they kicked her out of the house when she failed.
7064114 I have no idea what The Machines are, I've never seen the Matrix.
7064187
They literally farm humans as a crop (as living batteries). They grow them in fields of pods that stretch on as far as the eye can see.
7064114
only mistake hitler made was not killing enough jews
7661819
Well, that and invading Russia in what might as well have been shorts and t-shirts.
7662213
well if he had not turned the russian war into a dick waving contest and let his generals simply cut off certain citys then they might of very well won.
that end was cringe as fuck.
A fun quickie. Swedish Anon is interesting...
The swedish really caught me off guard.
🇸🇪