Grass marks, a news pony, lies on his cloud during the hearts warming eve season, and thinks about his past year.
This probably isn't my best piece of work, as i'm used to writing Romance and chaos stuff, and slice of life seemed to be the only tag that fitted, but hopefully it is good enough to please the owner of the OC
Cover art by the lovely SpectralPony
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A good way to get grass marks is by sliding around in a field.
1814417Ah ha ah ha ah ha
i40.servimg.com/u/f40/11/50/02/41/mlp_no11.jpg
But seriously. Good one.
OK, is this the "only chapter?" Or is there more coming? I ask because if this is a standalone, it's... well, it's a lot of setup but very little going on.
Now, I like OC characters- I have some of my own, and I think they have a lot of potential to be more interesting than the three thousandth rehash of known characters. I like the fact that you seem to be consciously avoiding the Mary Sue factor by not making Grass or any of the others super exceptional.
The downside is, to make them stand out and be interesting, you need to work on building their personalities (ponysonalities?). There's a lot of telling- "he's green, his mane is green, she's x color, y eyes..." etc. When you stop to inform in this way, it breaks the flow of the story. Better to include these details as you "show-" describe the world as your characters see it, or perceive it, or feel or think about others.
Dialogue could also use some work, but I would suggest that can be at the same time as improving the "show" aspect: You can show more by adding descriptive details to speech. Rather than leaving speech hanging bare, detail your character's emotions by describing HOW they sound, WHAT their facial expressions or actions are, WHAT they sound like, and WHY they say what they say.
The next question I have is, "What is going on?" There's a lot of background that references events from the series, but there's just not much happening. You have a few scenes that are hard to see as connected and it's hard to keep the reader's interest that way. I like it better than a story that rushes into action without ANY setup, but it's possible to move at too placid a pace. You might consider spreading out the descriptions and working in more action scenes or get to a plot point or conflict sooner. The last especially- if you can identify a potential conflict or problem, and set that before your character, you can keep the reader's interest better. I do get a sense of foreshadowing in one or two paragraphs, and that's good! We just need to have some more meat to keep us at the table.
Do you have an editor? I ask because I see a lot of punctuation errors- not huge ones, but present nonetheless. Lots of missing commas, misplaced periods, extra ellipses, stuff along that lines. There are a few spelling and grammar errors, but not many. An editor can help with all of this, and it's very very easy to miss a lot of stuff if you've been staring at a wall of words for days.
All that said, I liked reading this. It's obvious you have a larger story in mind and you're trying to set it up. You've created a central character who seems... wistful? Like a decent but uncolorful pony. Are we going to see his character develop more? You've put a fair bit into creating the conditions for something here, and I hope it turns out well!
1815985 It's not my OC. Grass Marks belongs to Grass Marks
While i did set it up as if there could be more thats beacuse if he enjoys it and would like me to write more i can. As for an editor no not really. I usually have another author i work closely with on his story, but he is currently incapacitated.
As for action there is very little i could do. This is my first attempt at writing a story with an others OC. And as i said I'm more used to writing romance. If Grass Marks had a love interest I'm sure i could have done a lot more with this story, but this is my first attempt at something with out romance. I had intended for more to happen, but a mix of limited time and information made that difficult. I might revisit this story after becoming more acquainted with Grass Marks as an OC and if her requests i write him a story. I kind of found writing this enjoyable, cause it gave me a new cast to work with.
Like i said as well this isn't my best work, My personal favorite on i have wrote has to be the Day of Red Sky, but when I've finished Freeing the King that may take the title
1816023
Fair 'nuff. I didn't look through the description deeply- I try to offer impressions on fics in the All OC and I Just Want A Comment groups when I can, especially ones that don't seem to be getting any critique. I didn't realize this was at the request of the owner, and I'll probably have to take a look at your other stuff now.
1816392Well i hope you like them