I'm a 15 year old brony from Northern California who loves music, history, and of course ponies.
After being rejected by the Wonderbolts, a secluded Rainbow is attacked by a mysterious pony only leaving her with a bite mark. Now she has become a monster that she thought never existed. Due to a sudden turn of events Princess Luna is forced to train her so she could once again become part of society. But with her new powers comes a choice, live your life as a lie, or get revenge.
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Well, this looks good! keep it up!
The title of this fic reminds me of the song "ashes" by Five Finger Death Punch.
Who of course is one of my favorite bands.
A few misspelled words
but that's nothing. Pretty good. Please write more.
Nice start. I can't wait to see what happens next
I hope you will not abandon this.
Good idea, well written and now on my favourites. Can`t wait for an update. Just minor spelling mistakes, but despite that, this is going to be a good read when it`s finished.
I have a good feeling about this one.
1727410 What? what gave you this idea? In all my history (6 months) on this site, only once I disliked something. And then it was really needed. Otherwise, if I dont like something, I simply leave. My comment is because, I already read over 200 stories on this site, And lot more MLP fanfiction from other sources. It is sad to say, but 7/10 really promising stories is abandon because of lack of time, or writer loosing interest in writing. And this one chapter is simply great. from experience I know it is simply little to early to scream how awesome it was, it can do more bad than good. But I upvoted this story anyway, in the moment I finished reading. AN added to favourites.
I am now writing chapter two of The Ashes and I have to say that I'm having writing it. I also like to thank the people who have favorited and liked my story. The next chapter should be up by Tuesday so stay tuned.
1727557 *Facehoof* I'm half asleep and thought you said "i hope you will abandon this story".
and one think, what was this?
I do not remember her having amnesia, so can you explain? I just started reading again. So I maybe catch something more. Last time I read it on phone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
edit:
I feel something wrong there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is too much "Rainbow", "Rainbow's" and such. Please do something with this. Replace some with something different.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And while I am not from English speaking country and still learning this language. I can feel there is sometime wrong with punctuation, and lack of the commas.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do not know if those two coats are right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
{LAST EDIT:}
Yes. Now confirmed. There is really big lack of commas. It need some rewriting in my opinion. But only minor things (like, too much "Rainbows" and too less commas.) and something what I do not understand with that amnesia. But it is still really great and promising story.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ps. You should get some prereader. I am still not very good at grammar, so I can't help with this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
{well, it seems that I lied about last edit. I am not AJ so I can lie. This is the last one edit. Really}
I see Luna's Tag. So, if Luna will be important here, this story will get even more liking from me. My two most favourite characters, Luna and Rainbow. And Vamponies. :D :)
The amnesia part would be explained later in the story, if not then I'll edit it out. Luna is very important in the story as she would be one of the main characters. Also your complaint about the lack of commas would be fixed as the story progresses.
And this?
Have I take it as my lack of full understanding of English, Or is really some error there? Like the part "She failed" is not supposed to be there?
And is good to hear about Luna. You have my Watch, so I will track .
EDIT: Now it's OK.
A little short but good
keep em coming.
It's Vampony
Also kinda wierd with the whole bat wing thing, couldn't you have her with normal wing I mean come on those would stick out like a sore thumb
1732648I actually support calling her a vampire. I understand it's My Little Pony, and thus pony related puns are unavoidable, but there's really no need to pun up vampire. They're awesome, blood-sucking monsters that you don't screw with unless you're Van Hellsing or some other monster.
1733294 well what about her wings
Ooh ooh she could be part of Luna's Night Guard, their Vampirish
1733337
Time for a grammar lesson.
They're = they are Vampirish.
Their = the Night Guards' Vampirish.
There is a difference, basic grammar.
ALL HAIL THE GRAMMAR NAZI!
1733337Woudn't object to that. The wings are a nice touch, actually. Would definitely make her stick out, but when you can dive-bomb someone at supper-sonic speeds from the cover of clouds, I don't think that would be too much of a problem. Not to mention that if everyone knew you were the friendly neighborhood vampire that doesn't take well to anything screwing with her town, hiding probably wouldn't be necessary.
The events are imo a little bit rushed, though i love the (story)plot
1733388 yeah. Oh and Have you read Pegazo Vampir Equine ?
1733414No, but now that you've brought it up, I'll check it out. The vampire stories tend to be pretty decent. Still looking for a werewolf Rarity one(or equaniwolf as I like to call them).
1733432 and there's the pun!
Still it's a great story, kinda funny here and there, there's also this annoying character.
Read and tell me her name
Dun dun DUN!
1733469Reading it now. By the way, while equaniwolf is sort of a pun, it's actually more accurate than werewolf. were=man in some language (german I think). Equine is horse or pony or something. That's why I prefer equaniwolf to werewolf.
1732648
I definitely agree with you on the bat wings part. I say if she's gonna have them at all, it should be a transformation type thing. So like when the clock hits 12:00 her wings would change form.
Her bat wings would not transform but would be hidden by a spell which should be revealed in a later chapter.
Poor punctuation and spelling mistakes abound, but still a good story.
Personally, I'd suggest getting someone to iron the aforementioned problems out, but this is still a good read regardless.
breakfest = breakfast
I made it onto the featured tab at the top.
Will you put punctuation at the end of your statements and questions?
Oh, crap, it's getting serious now
Be careful though. Found multiple spelling and punctuation errors throughout. I suggest you get a pre reader to go through and check before you post a chapter.
Beside that I like the concept. Keep it up
1738281 I shall pre-read dah buck outta it
On a different note Vamponies (you brought it back up
) 
:)
Ok ok serious now great chapter, I enjoyed reading it almost as much as I enjoy grabbing a leg of chicken in my hands and eating it like I havnt been fed in weeks (actually quite fun
So uh yeah you have Many many many many.... Mistakes here an there but maybe not as many as that more like a
lotfewI didn't know Luna liked liked afro's (There's a mental image for you...
)
Keep it up. I am enjoying immensely.
The story is good but you would be much better off with a pre reader or editor.
hmm interesting like when vampony gives into urges
woops. mistake. i am really likeing the story!continue!
I just finished fixing errors in Becoming One but I have yet to get started on the other two chapters. The fourth chapter should be out by the weekend. Also here is ten Rainbow kisses. (I am not responsible if she decides to bit you so cuddle at your own risk)
Spike: But, those were my crackers
love this need moooar!
Interesting idea, sloppy execution. Spelling mistakes abound, there/they're errors, and it's really choppy.
conitue? please? if that's OK with you..... please don't eat me!
When, if ever, can we expect next chapter? there was a lot of similar stories that died without reason. This one was so far the best of them and I hope it will be continued.
As of right now most of my focus is on school so chapter four would not come out until March
This is a really good fanfic, well i like it! Still looking forward to the future chapters! good job!
2135311 I know you have (or had) school, but is chapter 4 ready yet?
Today I cancelled The Ashes.
I have many reasons for doing this but the main one was the lack of commitment by my part. I just didn't have the time, or the will to write this story any more.
Sorry I couldn't finish.
2703654
do you have any plot notes?