Having to live a lie, Rainbow has been keeping her past a secret from everypony, but with recent events of the changeling invasion, will she be able to tell her friends who she really is?
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 1st Nov, 2012
- offline last seen March 20th
Lunadash4everon
Ponies are amazing! Support every writer and make the tv series last forever. Luna is the best pony! Cadence and Rainbow in tie for second
Lunadash4everon
Joined 1st Nov, 2012 ·
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You never do know where they're hiding, do you?
This is a pretty interesting take on the whole "X is changeling" style story.
You have my attention.
nooooou ! plss make another chapter where they'll understand
Saw this storyline before, but a totally different take, wow, AJ's an asshole and Luna may be a lesbian. *Cocks gun and points to head* TOO COMPLEX!
It's a good idea, and moderately well written, but you need to smooth it out some, and some of the ponies seem slightly OOC, however, the situation and further story might call for that, so it can be forgiven. My advice? Get yourself some editors. I didn't catch any glaring mistakes, so you are doing pretty well with that, but you should get some proofreaders just in case. I would be happy to help, because I see potential in this story.
Wow Luna great work in helping Rainbow Dash, you got her kicked out of Ponyville
That instantly reminded me of a song
[youtube=AF5WZ64bnIo]
must have another chapter.now!!!!
i'm gona fucking kill you aj.
I really like this idea, but I'm gonna list all the problems with this right here.
- The words 'Character change'. Usually people just use line breaks for that. It's not a preference, it's basic story formatting.
- If you can't handle the dialect, don't bother with it.
- The pacing is entirely too fast.
- Spelling and grammar errors are sprinkled throughout.
The problems seem to suggest that either English isn't your first language or you're unused to writing prose. I recommend you get yourself a good editor.
1843432
Thanks for the comments, like I said I'm fairly new to free-writing stories. Also I'm still figuring out how to have editors be able to read it first. Once I finish the second chapter I would greatly appreciate it if you and Kingtiger666 would take a look before I post. I'm Open to pretty much any suggestions.
1843474
Love the profile picture,
where can I get a much larger version? New desktop background ftw
This is the only size
sorry
1844726
If you have the editors on board already, using Google Documents on the Drive is a damn good method to allow them access to look over your story as you write it. From there, it's really easy to import the google document over into the chapter upload section as well.
As far as this, I'll be reading it tomorrow and if I have any thoughts on it I'll gladly leave them for you.
1844726 just go ahead and pm me when you need my help. I will be on pretty much every day, except possibly Christmas.
Okay, semi solid start here. Some notes for you though.
'Character Change' - This is VERY awkward to see. Some more common methods for perspective changes...
These are just three examples of what you can do to present this to use in a much cleaner method. Also, Center Align is your friend when using something other than extra line breaks.
Speed/Pacing - Honestly, you could have gotten more than double the words that you currently have, and have it flow much better. For example, the opening scene is Dash pacing in the forest before changing back. You could have easily added a bit more information as to her heritage, making it more obvious to the readers, rather than a one liner. The segue with Luna watching in on Dash's dream, her chase of Dash, and then her confrontation of Dash. Again, you BARELY give enough details here, and it is like we are running a 100 meter dash. Point A to Point B, with nothing in between.
Don't get me wrong though, while it kind of works, you are hurting yourself by not taking advantage of the spaces between these scenes and filling them out some more, as it allows you to drop small amounts of info here and there, which lets you do many things. From avoiding Info dumps in future chapters, dropping foreshadowing of future events, etc, it just adds a lot more to the story overall.
Your dialogue is somewhat clunky at times, or slightly broken. This and the next thing, grammar mistakes, can be easily remedied with an editor. See my previous comment about Google Documents for how to work these better, another eye or two will go a long way.
Hope this helps, I'm also in the somewhat new to writing, but was lucky enough to have two wonderful folks helping me out from the start. Those editors can work wonders for ya.
1843293Nopony expects the Spanish Inquisition!! Or changelings, but at least changelings remember their lines.
new chapter plz NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Need more
Need more of this, this is a good story so far. Poor Dash, Luna why didn't you go in the moment the yelling started?
MAOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
t-the-the grammar, IT BURNS ME LIKE POISON!
Naw honestly man Ive seen worse, but see into some prereaders, and it feels like you are rushing it all, the Luna encounter was over before I really noticed it began, and the encounter with the other five was over in about 8 short sentences...Take your time LunaDash, you are writing about my favorite ship, your certainly not gonna lose my attention and I doubt anyone elses. If people aren't used to waiting for some time for an event to happen, then they better damn get used to it before they start reading some of the better fics that are here. SO PLEASE, it is perfectly fine if you build tension, and then really bring down the emotion in an event, just please don't rush. This story has some great potential, but ive seen too many other writers rush through their story, bringing a story that could have been brilliant, to a good one..
Bad grammar, a few spelling slips here and there, and a fair number of characters repeating the same thing two or three times.
All that needs seeing to and fixing. You might want to get a proof reader or editor.
But as for the story itself, it's a good idea and I look forward to seeing how it goes.
Well....... that was unexpected
Rainbow the changeling, nice story, but you must write more (but I understand if your having writers block 
)
Its been nearly a year now....I'm guess theres going to be no update?
APPLEJACK!!!!! Grrr . . . Idoit . . .
Is this story dead?
need more please
Great story. I hope you, the author decides to continue this story. I look forward to reading more.