Koalas shall rule the world, and I will be their emperor.
I have walked these lands for many years. I have seen things I probably shouldn't have, and have met beings who were about as odd as they come.
When I was betrayed, I wanted revenge. Now, after Discord's second defeat, I can finally have that revenge.
------------
A LoHAV fic!
Teen for swearing, with some bits and pieces of gore in later chapters.
It will vary between 1st POV and 3rd POV, but it will mostly be in 1st POV.
Page generated in 0.264 seconds
Total duration
715 users online
1,235,402 hits today, 2,571,732 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This just seems like your poor attempt to jump on the bandwagon. In all honesty, this story doesn't intrigue me at all. You rush from scene to scene with no real coherent thought put into what order you want things to happen. You suddenly give us information that this dude, Shade, was betrayed by Luna because apparently he 'lied' to her. You didn't give us any background for Shade himself, nor did you give us any reason to like or hate him as a character.
Malideus makes us like and hate him because he's such a likable 'evil' protagonist. Invention comes up with multiple inventions that keep some of us drawn in. Solaire is just some dude who's running about not giving a fuck for the rules. Each of these stories gives us one reason or another to keep reading and find out what happens. Yours does no such thing.
In my honest opinion, I wasted a good three to five minutes reading this when I could have been doing something else.
4248943
Well, this is my first attempt at doing a story like this, so you shouldn't expect a great story right off of the bat.
Please give some constructive criticism, not... whatever it is you just said.
4248962 I have to agree with NightmareKnight. Not to mention that you have your timeline wrong. Luna/Nightmare Moon was imprisoned in the moon 1000 years before the events of the first episode, and the Discord accident happens several months later.
All in all, the chapter just doesn't flow right. No build-up, no description, nothing. It looks like it was rushed, and not in the way I rushed the ending of the third chapter of my own LoHAV story.
4248962 That was constructive criticism. It was me saying you rushed the hell out of this story just so you could join the fad of LOHAV stories popping up everywhere. You didn't give your character any depth, nor did you give us a reason to stick around to find out what happened.
4248989
Since Discord was imprisoned 1000 years before the show, I didn't think that Luna's transformation was about the same time.
Also, if it looks rushed, can you please tell me how to make it look... unrushed. (if that is even a real word.)
4249024 Not Discord, Nightmare Moon. It's canon, from the very first episode:
The time of Discord's imprisonment is never mentioned in the show, or at least I didn't find it.
As for how not to make it seem that rushed - follow the advise from 4249016 - add some character dept, pace the story, add some descriptions, etc.
4249042 Discord's imprisonment was never really mentioned in the show, no, but it's implied that it was quite a while beforehand. It took time for Luna to devolve into Nightmare Moon, and it probably started shortly after they imprisoned Discord... from a fanon POV anyways.
4249042
Ah, thanks. I'll be changing somethings over spring break.
4249053 That makes sense.
4249055 Good.
well, let's see what comes of this
Okay, since Nightmare Night already beat your story pretty well, I feel like I am not needed, but I do have things to say.
Your sentence structure is lazy, using words like "Then or as" to connect thoughts which only slows the pace down. I like to use words like these as speed bumps, but never as much as you did. I just felt wrong when reading this.
I won't talk about Shade becouse he's already been torn apart, but the way you describe the elements of harmony being used was really confusing and the whole Discord Nightmare moon debacle I saw only drags the story down, turning people away from the story instead of pulling them in.
I'll stop here since you just used this to jump on the bandwagon, if you have any other stories I'll give them a look if you want and provide a bit more constructed criticism.
4249367
I don't have anymore on here, but I do have one on Fanfiction.
And the whole elements thing is that I found that Luna and Celestia each had three elements. Luna had honesty, loyalty, and laughter, while Celestia had magic, generosity, and kindness by default. It was revealed in the season 4 premiere.
4249841
4249367
4248943
4248989
Alright, I fixed it. Tell me what you think.
4274443 Hm, much better. Still had grammar/spelling mistakes littered all over it, but that's to be expected from a story with no editor. I think I will follow this for now after all.
Good job on the redo.
4274965
Thanks!
well this has potential.
ps:can someone give me some links to other plot knowledgeable human in equestria?i need them for my group.
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!1!!1!!!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!!11!!1!!!1!1!1!11!!!
Oh goody!Scheming!
Insulting someone isn't a very good way to make friends, and yet, Luna and Shade seem to be getting along great! Even though they've only known each other 20 seconds.
4539394
They weren't really insulting each other. Luna called Shade a creature becuase she didn't know who or what he was. And Shade hasn't called her anything.
Yet.
4539709 the word "foul" was in there. And I was only referring to Luna insulting Shade.
4768765
Ah.
Ooh, my homie wrote a story! *preps to read*
Should've LOHAV actually be spelled LOCHSFAACAV?
5016723
What the hell does that stand for?
5016724
League of cosplaying humans ? ? ? ? ? acting vilinous.
5016759
Possibly.
Two things. One, who is he trying to get revenge on?
Two, one of his favourite episodes is the mare-do-well episode, not too hard to figure out that the mane six are fudging rainbows attempts to be heroic.
any more anytime soon?
5591856
I'm trying to write more, but work + school + writer's block = not much writing...
5593067 fair enough I like this story very very much. If you have the time and knowledge can you point me in the direction to a story similar to this one
Please continue the story
Interesting story, is it dead or will it be continued?