I am a memebr of the Guardians of Equestria fleet on Star Trek Online
A new day has dawned on Equestria. The 1 year anniversary of the return of Princess Luna. Though, the celebration is cut short when an armored alicorn stallion arrives, and proclaims that he is the salvation of Equestria. Is what he says true, or does he have an ulterior motive in mind?
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I refuse to believe this story has 7 downvotes and has been added to the TWE without any comments whatsoever.
I smell something fishy.
Choo... Choo...
1683191
No. You can't do that. That gives us a bad name.
1683198 Alright, alright. Was just jokin'. I'm not THAT big of a jerk.
1683209 CHOO CHOO MO FOS WE ARE GIANT ASSES>>1683198
1683232 Something tells me you're against TWE?
1683188
That might have been my fault. I pointed it out and I guess they add it immediate. If it's worth anything, I'm writing a review right now.
1683188, Whats the TWE?
Also,why do you think people are downvoting my story?
1683257 Is ANYBODY gonna vote for the identity of the voice in chapter 2?!
1683265 TWE is a group called the 'Train Wreck Explorers'. They look for stories with an uncanny amount of downvotes and give critism and ways to improve on the story. While the majority of this site seem to think they are mindless jackasses, I personally think they do a good job.
That picture reminds me of my horse in skyrim
1683270 While i have not read nor downvoted the story, there could be multiple reasons. The first and most obvious, just by reading the description, I can tell you most likely have a Gary Stu alicorn coming to overthrow the Princesses, and winning. But your grammar seems nice, no wall of text, and descriptive. It probably is a good story if you get past the cliche alicorn thing.
In my opinion, is it only writers who are successful with previous stories that don't get hate when they attempt an alicorn story. This is because they know by then what the people like, and what they like is something different. You might have noticed the large amounts of 'Slendermane' stories. I'm writing something of a parody called 'He Only Wanted a Cup of Sugar'. Just by the title, you can tell it's not the same old Slendy goes around brutally murdering people shtick, but something different. If you reach for that bar, combine it with good grammar and spacing between paragraphs, and your already a good writer.
1683293, it is a picture of Shadowmare, he/she's the closest i could find an image that resembles the Lord Knightmare
1683293
You're a Riften Town guard you can't have a horse.
Stop being silly and find my sweet roll dammit.
Also, can anyone guess where I got the title from,you get a cookie if you can
1683284 Thanks
1683355 Your welcome, glad I could help.
Alright, since nobody's noted, i will choose who the voice belongs to. Also,how is he a Gary Stu? He is not overpowered, and he GOT those powers from an old villain,if you can't tell, look at his name, Lord Knightmare
1683342
I need to ask you stop. That... Shouting... is making people nervous
Hi-ho, Deep Pond of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything, and I'm here to give your story a good lookin' at.
i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg
Title
Always capitalize the first word, last word, and all other important words in your title. Your title specifically should be Night Will Fall and the Dark Will Rise.
Description
Should be one sentence, and there should be a colon after "Equestria," not a period.
Always write out your numbers. "One-year," not "1 year."
That first comma is unnecessary.
"Darker" and "ulterior" are redundant in this case.
That should end with a question mark, as it is a question.
Whenever you do use an ellipsis (those dots), it should always be three dots: no more, no less.
Chapter 1
You're double-spacing your paragraphs, remembering one-speaker-per-paragraph, and have decent grammar. Good. However, I see a number of minor mistakes that ought to have been corrected in proofreading.
indicates a pause between "busy" and "than," which frankly sounds bizarre. When in doubt, speak a line aloud and see where you naturally pause.
SUBTLE FORESHADOWING!
Is this the same Luna who addressed the ponies in Faux Olde Equestrian, using the Royal We and an excess of formality? I would expect Celestia to be the casual one, and Luna to insist on proper ceremony.
If you intend this to be taken seriously, randomly injecting Gamer Luna and gamertags is going to wreck that.
Please don't put Shadow Stalker's reaction in parentheses like that. It looks terrible, and I'm fairly sure it violates some rule of grammar. Describe it. Give it its own sentence. Actually, better idea, remove this whole bit, as it is totally OOC for Luna and kills any gravity you might have achieved.
That is a mighty run-on sentence indeed.
"Obsidian Black" shouldn't be capitalized, as it is not a proper name or title.
Hircine? Who or what is Hircine? This conveys nothing to me.
I have no clue what you're talking about. It could be armor made out of popcorn for all I know.
How does he pronounce the K in Knightmare? And if he doesn't, how can we tell he's not just saying Nightmare?
. . . Did he just call himself a mare? He did, didn't he?
The first word after his dialogue shouldn't be capitalized, as it's part of the same sentence.
This is pretty bad. You've got promise, but your pacing is alarmingly fast and your characterization is all over the place. You seem to be trying for a serious fic, but throwing anachronistic jokes in at random does not help.
Your pacing is alarmingly fast, going through the Sisters, a lightning-quick glimpse of Luna's backstory, and through a dramatic plot twist in under 700 words. As a general rule, each chapter should be at least 1,000 words, and preferably 2,000+. Slow down and describe stuff. Set the scene. Tell us how it look, sounds, feels. Who else is there? How do they react? What does our PoV pony think? We readers know nothing about your world except what you tell us, so give us plenty to work with.
Hope this helps. Good luck, and keep writing!
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight of Gak
1683381
Buh...but my sweet roll
1683254 Bordem
1683471 Doesn't explain much.
1683490 Methink its suspicions how my story got into the bad after i posted that comment
1683265
The TWE are a small group of people with a large following (myself included in said following) who will tell you in no uncertain terms exactly why your fic is getting down votes.
1683453
If you want you sweet-roll back I accept bribes and bribes accessories... Or penguins
Before I begin, I would like the author to know that he is free to ignore me if he desires. I wouldn't recommended it, as I write this in hopes that he learns something to become a better writer. With that out of the way, let's get started shall we?
The first thing that jumps at me is the length of the chapters. As a general rule of thumb, you want your chapters to be at least one thousand words each. It doesn't mean you cannot write short chapters, but those tend to require an experienced writer to pull off.
Another issue here is pacing, which is related to the short chapters thing. Right now, things are happening way to fast and you are not doing anything to explain what's going on.
See that? That's what I mean. This two paragraphs could be four or five easily. He changed the legal system, why? What was in place before? Why did he change it? He also called the Elements to his palace, why? Also,
How did Twilight knew all this? Did she hear it from someone? Was it published? And why Quill Weave? How come he is a royal guard and a salesman at the same time? Shouldn't he have been at his store when the changelings attacked? That is kind of egregious. And what about this Gem of sorrows? Why did Knightmare need it? How did he get it? This are all things that could really help your story if you took the time to describe. Events need as much description as any physical trait. This is just an example, there are many things like this that you could apply a similar treatment.
Moving on, we have your character, Knightmare. People are calling him a Gary Stu and you wonder why. It's simple really, he came out of nowhere and blasted Celestia and Luna, two god-tier alicorns, into who knows where without so much as a fight. That just screams overpowered. Try adding some more foreshadowing, like the storm he came out of forming over the course of the day instead of just showing up out the vacuum.
Lastly, at the end you asked your readers to choose the owner of the voice. That's generally a bad idea. I see that you are trying to involve your audience by letting them write part of the story, but this kind of story is not suited for such things. You need to have an overall plan of the entire story. It can be vague, no problem there. If you do let your readers write the plot for you, you are setting yourself to get derailed.
Overall, this is a good concept, but underdeveloped. Take a look at Deep Pond's and my own suggestions and implement them. If you do it right, you should have a upvote magnet that will garner you respect.
On that note, I wish you luck!
Coldwall.
Thank you, Mr/Mrs. Pond and Mr./Mrs. Coldwall
1683503 Which one? The one about TWE being giant asses?
1683582 You think? You must truly be a genius my good man
1683558
Not a problem man, that's what we are here for. I'm a dude btw.
1683606 Well I got 21 on the ACT in 8th grade, higher than the average, if I don't say so myself...
1683558
It's Mister, and you're more than welcome. Thank you for taking criticism graciously.
168361 Well thats above average for about 50% of the american population your in the middle.
That's all I wish, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, not just saying my story sucks because of something minor, saying it sucks because it does,or because of subject material.
brandwatch.com/wp-content/uploads/brandwatch/troll.jpg
1683637.... What? Who are you talking to?
1683727 I ment to click you so yea moral of story: Im not impressed
1683711 What the buck is with the Troll Face? Its not even Princess Trollestia,if you wanna troll, do it right!
1683840 Your absolutely right Timey-Wimey! I was watching "When a Good Man Goes to War" a few hours before writing this, got it from that poem/episode. You win a virtual cookie! YAY!
1683389 Hircine and Daedric are from the Elder Scrolls universe, as, in this Equestria, Tamriel was a part of the world, before being sucked into a void. Knightmare is pronounced Knight-mare. does Knightcolt or Knightstallion sound more forboding than Knightmare? (who's name I borrowed from the Soul Caliber games)
1683744 Wasn't trying to impress, just simply stating a fact against your sarcasm.
1683975
The problem is, the reader has no possible way of knowing that. There's no Crossover tag, they're not described, and unless I happen to be a Elder Scrolls fan, I wouldn't know what those references are.
Which sounds exactly identical to Nightmare. The K is silent, after all. Normally that's not a problem, as we can tell knight from night by the context (nopony will assume it's "an armored night," or "a black and starless knight sky"). And since there's already a canon character named Nightmare . . . yeah.
(K)nightmare literally means (K)night [female horse], or in the context of the show, woman. That was my objection: it would be like me (a guy) referring to myself as Lady Brightsteel or something; the "lady" part is utterly nonsensical.
Colt is a young male horse; basically, it means "boy."
Stallion is a mature male horse. (K)nightstallion sounds the best of the available options - and reinforces his gender - but you still have the Knight/Night issue. Honestly, if you want to use knight, I recommend a name that makes it more obvious, such as Iron Knight or Knightly Bearing or something.
1684168, once again, thanks
Hey, uh, I'm in the TWE too. Oh boy, this is awkward. A fellow STO fleet member posts a story, and I'm kinda supposed to review it.
Oh good, Deep Pond was already here. Guess that means I don't have to!
-Winter Storm
TWE's Author Support Shock Trooper
or
Vice Admiral Lawrence "Purvis" Anderson
Guardians of Equestia, Rookie Wonderbolt
U.S.S. Sombra, Vesta-class Multi-Mission Reconnaissance Explorer
Starfleet Tactical Officer
1684934, oh, hey Purvis, its me, Christian M. Diokno, any suggestions for my story? Also, Knightmare,or as I'll rename him in story Lord Knightshadow/Knightshade, will have a reason for thinking Celestia and Luna are tyrants, not just thats he's Senor Crazypants or Mr.Evil McNasty
1684978 Well Chris, that would require me to READ your story. Thing is, I have about 200+ chapters of about 40 stories to catch on. I'll toss it into the read later. Priorities, ya know?
1685036 true, also, nice avatar, where'd ya get it,all the ones ive tried to use have been to big
1685074 This was created by a person whose username escapes me, but he made a massive set of art related to the Royal Guard. In fact the banner here, the one with the Lunar Guard and the Solar Guard, was made by him. It's part of a bigger picture, in a tavern filled with batponies.