Jian and the CMC

by butterfield pancake

The Lost Delivery Boy

Jian Campbell is a young 16 year old delivery boy for Gad's express, and since vehicles were expensive Jian delivered all the parcels on foot. Sometimes there were no problems and sometimes, monsters and thieves would try and mug him and steal the package, like the time a Sasquatch stole the package by ambushing Jian and thankfully Jian was able to defeat the beast using his strength and acrobatic skills.

After delivering the package Jian went to the city populated by beastmen and entered their fighting tournament and won, getting the attention of their king who was wondering if Jian was truly a regular human, to make sure he used a curse technique on Jian called (The Curse of the Lost Equilibrium) in short the curse would make the victim unable to use their special skills temporarily.

In other words if Rainbow Dash were the victim she would lose the ability to fly. In Jian's case he lost the ability to stand on his head.

Recently Jian went a quest to become a dragonmaster after his partner Lucia was kidnapped, it wasn't until later he found out Lucia was actually the goddess Althenia in a human disguise. But Jian went to take the dragon's challenges and had to defeat the red, white, black and blue dragons earning their magic and defeating the previous Dragonmaster in combat but he refused to kill him. After which the goddess Althenia sacrificed Herself to save Jian's life since in that world there cannot be two Dragonmasters. There can only be one at a time or else the world would collapse on itself.

It was been about two months since that quest and Jian has returned to his former life of being a humble delivery boy and his employer Gad has a package for him to deliver to a cabin in the woods.

Jian took the request and went toward the forest unknown to him there was a portal in the woods that connected to another world and its Jian's own fault the portal has opened, the reason why the portal had opened was since the goddess Althenia's own unique life siganture was sealing the portal itself without her blocking it the portal had opened once again, the last time it had opened was 3000 years prior.

Jian runs as fast as he can and the faster he goes he figures the sooner the item can be delivered. However running is not always the best idea in the world where Jian lives because for some odd reason travelers take damage the longer they run.

Unfortunately Jian was in such a rush to deliver the item he did not notice that he just ran off a cliff and started falling toward a swirling rainbow portal that closed as soon as he fell into it.

Jian "AGH what the heck is that thing!!!!" The portal dropped Jian to another forest, however this forest was in a different universe and this forest was more deadly than the forest he was in before. This happened to be the Everfree forest in the world Equestria

Meanwhile at that very moment Applebloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle were trying to earn wild fruit picking Cutie Marks.

A cockatrice noticed Jian and was attempting to turn him to stone by staring at him.

Luckily Jian had a special charm made of amethyst and it was the only thing that was preventing the petrification magic, Jian had found it in a treasure chest in the temple of Althenia.

Jian woke up and saw the cockatrice starting at him, he remembered this type of monster stares at creatures in order to turn them into statues, he was glad he had his charm around his neck and proceeded to kill the monster.

Jian jumped at the monster kicking it once in the head, and them again with his other leg before executing a final kick by flipping onto his head making the downward motion snapping the evil creatures neck in half. This will give you a basica idea of Jian's attack pattern

Jian "Sorry monster but I need to deliver this package."

As Jian said this a giant creature had decided he would be a good lunch, Jian walked a bit more in the forest he was unaware of the huge 4 headed creature slowly following him.

Meanwhile

Applebloom "Scootaloo aren't these fruits a little too high in the tree?" Scootaloo "Yeah but that's what makes it so fun." Sweetie Belle "That's what you said about the zip Line incident." Scootaloo "Don't remind me I still think of that pine needles and tree sap."

At that moment Jian notices the three Fillies and notices that the orangeish one has a pair of wings, and the white one has a horn, he also notices that the one with the red mane has a bow in her hair.

The Cutie Mark Crusader's notice the Hydra behind Jian and scream

Jian "Hmmm is something wrong?"

Applebloom "Behind Ya." Scootaloo "H-h-hydra!!!" Jian who is now very angry "I'm no Hydra I'm a HUMAN!" Sweetie Belle "Not you that beast behind you!"

Jian turns his head and sees the huge dragon like beat behind him and Jian begins to smile and yells out "Finally a decent fight my leg's were getting out of practice anyway."

Mini-boss theme [Dog-fight]

Jian does his double kick attack that ends with the bonus kick that comes from his Acrobatic skills. Scootaloo watches in amazment as she sees this creature that is much smaller than the hydra do such a cool fighting move just like her idol Rainbow Dash would do.

The Hydra has had enough and all four of the heads attack at separate times, Jian dodges three of the heads but the 4th head does considerable damage to him.

Jian "Ugh!" "This thing is a little stronger than I thought it was I might need to use one of my special attacks to end this fight now!"

Sweetie Belle "What is that ape thing planning of doing now I wonder?" Applebloom "Not too sure Sweetie Belle but I think he will be finished." Jian get's on his head and starts to rapidly spin like a top and suddenly magically the area around him and the Hydra is surrounded by magical water that drowns the Hydra. After that Jian get's back up and unwraps a green candy pop like medicine called a Healing Drop and as he eats it his wounds start to heal.

Scootaloo "That was so Cool what did you do anyway?" Jian answered the Pegasi by saying "Oh I can use a little bit of really powerful magic, I don't have much magical energy so I need to use it sparingly and that attack was called the blue wave I can use about three other magic attacks each having to do with the elements.

Applebloom "So you can do a laughter attack, a magic attack, a kindness attack, an honesty attack, a generosity attack and a Loyalty attack then?" Jian was a little confused on what Applebloom meant by that "No I mean I can use 4 different magical attacks one is fire, another in earth, next is wind and what I used on that beast before was water.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!

Comments

[frits191]

It could be just me, but I have absolutely NO idea what you are talking about, I know it's a crossover but still, this is just sloppy.

Inn other words in Raibow Dash were the victim she would lose the abiltity to fly.

Wait What?
There are so many things wrong with this sentence, I don't even want to start

A cockatrice noticed Jian and was atempting to turn him to stone by staring, however Jian had a special charm made of amethyst and it was the only thing that was preventing the petrification magic, the jewel in the charm was blessed by a priest.

TOO... MUCH.... GOING....ON.... IN.... ONE..... SENTENCE!

Jian took the request and went toward the forest unknown to him there was a portal in the woods that connected to another world and its Jian's own fault the portal has opened

images.wikia.com/dragonage/images/2/2a/Anchorman-well-that-escalated-quickly.jpg

One Tip:
Don't try again, Please Don't.

FRITS OUT! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Rainbow_dealwithit.png

[butterfield pancake]

1568162 The game wasn't a very good game it was kinda crappy but still fun nnonetheless

[frits191]

1568186
Never played it, Guessing it's a decent game, This story however is not.

[butterfield pancake]

1568196 Well the game had a lot of terrible faults in it for example you lose HP if you have the character run which makes no sense

and the fact Jian can only use magiuc if he has the correct ring on his body at the time

[butterfield pancake]

1568162 and also the story will get better in later chapters when one of the evil monsters from Jian's world enters Equestria as well to hunt Jian

[frits191]

1568207
Well it's not really the plot that is the problem, I'd say it's the writing.
It's too sloppy at points, the action is poorly written.
And well Just stuff happens waay too fast to be enjoyable to read.

What I'd suggest you do, find a editor, or atleast someone in your family/neighbourhood/friends who has had experience
with writing stories, or even someone who will check you're spelling/writing mistakes for you.
That would really help, though this story I'm afraid is not really enjoyable to read.
That's all I have to say for now, I will leave you to the rest of fimfiction.

FRITS OUT! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Rainbow_dealwithit.png

[butterfield pancake]

1568196 also the battle system was broken in it [You had to choose between getting items and experience points]

[butterfield pancake]

1568227 Yeah I guess you got a point I edited it slightly to explain why the portal opened in the first place

[Regidar]

[Vibrant Emotion]

You know I happen to like your story so far, but it's sad to see just how many people just see it as a just a terrible story which to be honest are just plain rude, and mean.

[butterfield pancake]

6681159 thank you that means a lot to me

[Vibrant Emotion]

6682213 No problem I for one had the game before I lost it, and I happened to like it since it was the game in its game origin that I played never got to the last part of the game because I had no idea what to do at all. But my favorite item was the Final Counter, the bell shoes, and that all I can remember like I said I played before but I lost the game, and some other games that I had which I should stop because it's opening some bad memories for me.

[butterfield pancake]

6682256 currently I am planning a chain chronicle story but I'm not sure if I should have it in the same universe as MLP

Though it is possible if I have it that Equestria is one of the foreign continents so far they have two main continents Yggdra and one that name isn't released yet...

[Vibrant Emotion]

6682361 Now that sounds interesting actually. So this is just a suggestion how for each chronicle it takes place in a different area like in the Griffin kingdom, or a different place it might make things interesting.

[butterfield pancake]

6682463 it's an app game and I made a pretty odd main battle party

I have

Passionate Battler Rondo she is of the sea breeze tribe and they bond with a certain animal and gain features

2. Stonewall champion San-San he is an earth Sprite meaning hes small but powerful

3. Magical sweets Warrior Schele

4. Priestess of the Blossoms Arietta

5. Colourful archer Lucrezia ( an assasian who wears custom made super flashy clothes

6. Flame swords woman Sonya

[Vibrant Emotion]

6682508 Oh I never heard of that app sorry I was still think on the lines of the Lunar saga. My bad.

[butterfield pancake]

6682523 the app game is actually produced by SEGA

[Vibrant Emotion]

6682537 Well that's cool I happen to like one Sega's game series known as Sonic haven't played all of them but only a few of them.