I'm that one guy who wrote those things about that show.
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[2nd person fic starring you and Twilight]
You lived your life in a broken home, traveling across the country as you saw fit. You've never had anyone you could consider a 'friend.' One day, you wind up in Ponyville. During your time there, you meet a mare by the name of Twilight Sparkle. You think nothing of her at first, but you soon begin to see her true feelings shine through.
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Sounds nice ^^
I'll read it as soon it's longer
Edit:Oh and first^^
8 likes and 0 dislikes... dis gun be gud...
Interesting, can't wait to read more
More of a rainbow fan myself but, more please.
Pretty good. Keep it coming.
Crap, I forgot to thank people in the authors notes.
My bad.
I would like to thank my two beautiful proof readers: Pulse Flyer from iBrony.com and veridianphantom from right here in my home town. You guys are the best.
>Sees "Twilight"
>Sees "Second Person"
FAVORITE FAVORITE FAVORITE.
I need to stop reading these second person fics.
This could work.
Great story bro.
But, I thought of something. The library's bigger on the inside... What else is?
tardiscorset.com/images/TARDISinterior.jpg
This appears to be an interesting premise and has a lot of promise to be a touching romance with a unique protagonist and different premise with Twilight than I've seen before.
I may have missed something crucial but the back story ended up seemingly contradictory to me. You said the protagonist had graduated from school, then three years later left home for Canterlot and as a young "School colt" didn't do well there. Seems like you were still figuring out his age range for traveling around while writing this part.
The conversations with Twilight could have felt a lot more fun and animated with some gestures and descriptors added for flavor. Take this block of vocals for an extreme example:
“So where are you from?” Twilight asks.
“Fillydelphia.” You reply.
“Wow, you’re a long way from home.” She says.
“Yeah, I haven’t been back in three years.” You say, a darker tone taking your voice.
“Why’d you leave?” She asks, prodding you for information.
“Family reasons.” You say coldly.
“Okay, I won’t push.” She says.
A couple times you mention a tone shift, but there's no mention of facial expressions or physical movement. Did the corners of his eyes tighten? Did his grip on the hot chocolate become stressed? Did Twilight's smile falter a bit? Did Twilight fiddle with her mug a little while asking out of curiosity? Did his or her tail flick with agitation or anxiety? What about the ears? Not saying to go crazy, just to add something once in awhile to paint a picture to engage the imagination.
Twilights List by kits
Mood Wings by Tchernobog
Are both great stories that use physical and facial expressions to convey meaning outside of words and engage the reader with imagery. Check them out for a good read and to see how much flavor can be added to a story when these techniques are used properly.
Anywho, I think the story has the potential to be really sweet which is why I was suggesting looking at this stuff. Since I'm enthusiastic about it I mean. I'm looking forward to what comes next in this wintery romance~
1542126
It's now official. Twilight is a timelord and her TARDIS is the library.
That's now canon.
1542126 There's also the Wardrobe in the spare room. ;)
WOO, NEW CHAPTER
I agree with Anonymous.
My ONLY major criticism is that you need a little bit more in terms of romantic detail. Try fleshing out your vocabulary a little, adding some phrases that may seem a little pointless here and there, mainly during dialogue.
Mind you, I am a complete and total nitpick, so don't take my criticism too harshly.
Other than that, it's great. So far, you've got a 4/5 from me, but if you added some more detail in terms of actions and expressions during dialogue, it would be perfect. It's not too sappy, and there are very few points that I found confusing.
Excellently written, sir (or madam, whichever is applicable.). I would definitely like to see more from you!
EDIT: Ah-HA! I knew I recognized your style from somewhere. I really liked The Wub That Blinds.
This chapter really turned out well! And since many have said it I don't really need to add anything else to the vocab part. The story itself is coming along swimmingly, work on the next chapter soon!
Yay!
Thanks to veridianphantom for proof reading the first half of the chapter and ThaWh1teBrony for the second half. You two are the best.
1771893
was amazing, just one thing bothered me, when you had him going to the train station it switched over to past tense and then back over to present. still amazing though
1773727
Did it? Crap, I'll fix it.
1775018
glad i could help
Such a good story.
SO Much Dawwwwww I can't take it!
holy shit i kissed twilight dashie cannot find out about this!
Twilight: oh shit your right! omg we're fucked!
Rainchaser: okay! okay! calm down. when we get back to ponyville just act normal.
Twilight: ill try but i dint know.... im a bad liar.
Rainchaser: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!
Wooohooo!!
Noticed xD
Oh boy....... here we go.
Hehe. Incoming Shitstorm.
Such a weak stallion, does he not have any restraint?
Oh shit.
The big brain sez no no but the little brain sez yes yes
It's unfortunate that he loses himself in the moment.
...because all that I see coming now is Mom's Spaghetti.
jamesplayuh.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/M2-Moms-Spaghetti-inventory-item.png
Well... All i have to say is;
troll.me/images/you-dun-goofed/you-dun-goofed-ya-fuckin-gook.jpg
Why does it always end in a shitstorm?!
1855573
It's not over yet.
god dammit if twi finds out im screwed. Shit's about to hit the fan!!!
good work on the story. i don't know know how yous all get good story's tried making my own got up to 1000 words and could not think of anything else.
Aw sheet cake- why does my character always have to be an idiot?
1906250
Because lust is a powerful foe.
1906356
So it is, but why does it have to show up every freakin' time, and why is it that every time it DOESN'T show up there's always some misunderstanding where they think I'm cheating on them anyways? It's like the universe is conspiring against the main character- always. Oh wait, it is.
Love is a path to the dark side... which is why it's the strongest kind of magic.
1934247
I see what you did there.
1545163 she's on her second regeneration. Her first was pink and white and had five stars as a cutie mark
Damn me.
Dawww
wow im a real flank-hole in this fic
cute beyond belief
Grandmother once said this: All women are equely beautiful.
"9-1-1 I'm calling in a heart failure"
So many feels just expressed right now...