--Second Person Story featuring You and Fluttershy--
--Alright, this is the first time I have ever written a second-person story, so make sure to tear me apart in the comments. Seriously. I don’t want sugarcoated stuff. If it is bad, let me know and tell me how bad it is. If it’s good, make sure to let me know, as I have plans for a few more stories like this, with each of the mane six, and perhaps one or two background ponies. Maybe even Celestia or Luna. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Now, on to the extremely vague and cliched description as I am never good at writing these!--
You are a pegasus, and love flying through dangerous spots. But what if one of those spots is too dangerous? One night while flying, you crash and are seriously injured. You could’ve died, if a gentle yellow pegasus hadn’t of been nearby at the time. She offers to take you in. While living with her, you need to adjust to all the nature that is suddenly all around you; You have lived in apartment buildings all your life. And now you are feeling something weird about her. What is it?
Alright. Like I said, tell me if it is bad, and if you feel like it, give me some advice on how to make it better.
1058660
Only thing I think you need to work on, is separating your paragraphs out more, instead of it looking like one long paragraph. Or you could indent the beginning of each paragraph, just something to separate them. Also, if you wouldn't mind, I would love you forever if you made a 2nd person x Luna fic. take that in any way you wish.
Dang. I'm a Pratchett fan, but have only read his earlier works so far.
Either way, the pacing is a little fast. Perhaps show some flying fancy free before having us crash. While it's good that you're using all five senses to show the scene, you can use them for more than just major events. For example, you said the hospital had an odd smell. Care to elaborate on that? What sort of taste was in your mouth when you woke up from a week long coma? What exactly did you smell baking from Sugarcube Corner? Were any sights, sounds, or smells different when you left town and got to Fluttershy's cottage?
Fluttershy seems a bit quick to act, accepting you into her home and whatnot. The heart monitor was funny, but a bit repetitive. There are also some places where you switch verb tenses.
And formatting. Please separate your paragraphs and indent them.
All in all, not too shabby, and I look forward to more!
To be honest I'm not a big fan of second person stories but this was actually entertaining. It really was well-written almost making me forget it was second hand. Your writing makes it really easy to imagine what was going on, and you practically got Fluttershy's personality perfect, she should be a bit more shy than that but i'm sure she definetely would have made the same decisions and actions.
Overall : It's a new favorite for me! Way to go! I also might suggest taking more time to exposition and let the character observe the world around him. More like when he first opened his eyes in the hospital scene or him smelling the blood. Those scenes were extremely clever.
I love this story!
it feels nice to be talk to fluttershy in my imagination, please do more!
Update plz
1060643
1060622
Woah. So many good reviews. Sorry for the awkwardness of this, but I am on my phone, so forgive me. First of all, I would have never imagined I would get so many positive reviews in such a short time. Secondly, I am going by your advice, and will be making a few minor edits before moving on. Thirdly, to the Pratchett fan, Just a hint: If you read Snuff you'll get it. To the person asking for a Luna/You Fic, I have an idea for almost every character. So, don't be surprised if a Luna one is posted by me after I finish my mane six matchmaking. I'll make sure Luna is the first one I work on, just for you.
Great story, im watching.
Good story so far, have a watch! This makes me want to try writing a second person story of my own
1060806, 1060916 Alright, posting the next chapter, and the edits.
1060643 I have tried to implement your advice in this edit, let me know if it is any better. I was originally too afraid to say too much about the senses, in case it seemed like I was laying it on a bit thick. But I guess with second person, I have to work harder to immerse the reader, as they are more directly involved. I have shown a little more flying at the start, and gone over the tenses. I have tried to find them all. Let me know if I missed any. Like I said, I have done the paragraphs. And I have changed it around a bit to make it seem like Fluttershy was accepting a friend in need into her home, not a stranger who she found in the Everfree. Also, nice to know another Pratchett fan is on this site.
1060622 I separated it into paragraphs, something I have never been good at, I hope it is right. And I wasn't joking before. Once I have finished with the mane six, I'll do a Luna/'You' fic just for you.
1061748, 1062624 Thank you both for the watches.
1060778 Damn, I made errors? I went through it with a fine-toothed comb to try and find them (Is toothed a word? Ah, who cares, it is now.) and fix them.
1060662 I tired to make Fluttershy a little more shy... not sure how I did. I am not used to writing for quiet characters.
Also sorry for the double post. My cellphone is rubbish on this site.
1063566 Same here. LAG. But I am on my computer now. So yay! Hope you enjoy the update, and new chapter.
Yep! Good update. Nice work so far.
1064790 Thanks, now I just have to work through my writers' block. I prefer just to break through it, rather than try to find a way around it.
I'm starting to hate angel. slapping fluttershy in MLP FIM, and now screwing me (as referred in the story) over by tripping me down the stairs.
1065658 I think he is protective, although in that episode he is a bit of a prick. But, remember, he 'informe' Fluttershy of the Gala tickets, and told her when she was late for the princess' visit in A Bird In The Hoof. He isn't afraid to twist Fluttershy's metaphoric arm to get his own way though.
1065713 while i see your point, I still hate him. if I had to choose between cutting into my tongue or getting a cracked skull, I would've chosen skull. it's just horrible for it to be painful doing something you used to not even think about (in this case, eating and talking). and I've suffered the consequences of BOTH these injuries, so I understand where I'm going with this.
plus, my grandma died falling down the stairs.
don't get me wrong; this story's really good. I suggest, at some point, you leave a decision for the readers to make by branching chapter's. gives a special feeling that the reader is really there, rather than some unnamed character being referred to as "you".
even if you don't take my suggestion, I still look forward to reading some more. oh, I HOPE angel gets his.
p.s. try to be more descriptive of "my" surrounding's. you seem to have picked up on that really well in this chapter, in comparison to your work in the previous chapter's, but can still do with some improvement. keep at it, bro!
1065949 So you mean like a 'Choose Your Own Adventure' thing? Interesting idea...
Oh, and I hope I didn't offend you or anything with the stairs bit. Sorry. 
1065990 no worries; you didn't offend me.
I'll be sure to give you my opinion on the next chapter. if you do use my idea, don't let it become a huge basis for the storyline. make it one part, maybe at the ending itself. if you branch it out too long on the internet, not only would it be frustrating for you to keep track of what you're doing, it would also become tedious and repetitive for the reader to make sure they're clicking on the correct option.
keep it up bro; looking forward to the next chapter!
1066109 Very good, thank you. Nice to know you enjoy my work so much. But, anyway, good idea for making the ending multiple choice. Thank you. Very good idea. Just have to get through my writers' block now.
1066122 good luck; as a fellow writer, I know the pain of writer's block!
1066168 No harm done.
just had a new idea; instead of simply mentioning the other mane six in context, try to introduce them in person, even if it's brief. an outside opinion on everything that's happening makes it feel more real. 
maybe that'll do something to help you with your writer's block? someone "you" can confide in about "your" feelings for Fluttershy?
1066184 Another good idea. I have to read your work when you post something. You be an extremely good author, if you have such great ideas and advice. No joke.
1066188 I've already written several fanfic's on paper, but i'm still trying to figure out how to get a story on this site. ( and which story I should put up first)
could you tell me how I can do so?
and here's a couple a pics of Fluttershy, since I didn't find anything fitting for my predicament.
1066212 Alright, happy to help a fellow author.
On any page, just hover your mouse over your username (Up the top). There will be a thing that comes up titled 'Stories'. Click on it, and you will go to the 'manage stories' page. From there, just add your story, add some chapters, and put it up! Can't wait to read some of your stuff. 
(Oh, and for what to post, just go for the first one you wrote, as it will show where you started.) Have some Pinkies, for the Fluttershys. 
1066241 THANK YOU. you saved me a world of frustration. keep in touch bro, and in my opinion, the best way to help writer's block is to read another novel or fanfic of a similar genre for inspiration. props to you for being smart enough to ask for advice; it often comes from the unlikeliest of places and/or people. most people are too proud to ask for it, or too sensitive to listen to it.
and now, I will give you the most dramatic of exit's within my power. MOUSTACHE POWERS, ACTIVATE!!!
1066265 You're welcome. And I didn't think of reading other Romance fics, good idea. I might look at Kody910's stuff, and Whirring Gear's as well. Thanks mate.
1066295 NEW IDEA. I swear to god, there are so many cropping up, they might as well be coming out of my ears.
have some friendly conversation go on between "you" and 'Shy. not any of the usual "look away blushing" kind of thing. not that you shouldn't use Blushing at all; you just seem to use it too much. have a comfortable conversation come up between the two. Remember, "you" still just met Fluttershy, and despite her taking you in and being kind and beautiful, "you" still don't know that much about her. Everypony knows and loves 'Shy, but you can't automatically assume "you" completely understand her. use the conversation as a chance for "you" to understand her better. make it go deeper than simple beauty and kindness.
a date would be how I would have set this conversation up. not a DATE date, but a friend date. ( food's on "you" kind of deal.) good luck.
1066413 Very good. You, um... I'll go with sir? are a F*CKING GENIUS. I am not lying, you just broke through my writers' block like a creeper and a wooden house! Thank you, so much. I seriously have to read your stuff when it's up. I do realise I use blushing a bit much, I just don't know how to show that Fluttershy is embarrassed, as 'You' can't exactly read her mind.
nice story this is my first second person fanfic and i like it
This is awesome.. And cute.
I have found this very intriguing. Great job in my opinion.
1072502 Thank you. I am working on Chapter 5 right now. I will post more in the morning. Glad you enjoy it so far.
excellent and beautiful story
definately one of my new favorite stories 
1073790 Thanks.
I try my best. Like I said, I have moved Vinyl up on my 'list' I am posting it now, so have a look and see if the story sounds any good.
Very good so far +3
for you
I read this after the edit, and I was really expecting Fluttershy to allow "me" (lol) to stay at her house.
Oh well, I can always go read the next chapter (which I will be doing).
1076591 I have been in a creepy mood lately, and I needed something to start off with. I had just watched the Slenderman Documentary, listened to Slendermane, watched two Slender playthroughs, and then read Silent Ponyville, so it was kind of preying on my mind. :D
1075590 Yep. they have helped me out infinitely with making this better.
1077055 Oh, whoops.
I'll edit that now. And I'll put those two together as well, while I'm at it.
Worth the wait. Not that I had to.. But you get my point.
Great job again.
Never thought Opal would be that evil...
1077726 I just don't like her very much. Nopony hurts Rarity and attacks Sweetie Belle's mane!
And, sorry but you might have to wait. Depends on if I can get a spare Computer; The techs took mine for a week for repairs... A small dent and a wobbly screen doesn't exactly warrant repairs. But I digress. You will have to forgive me for errors, I am typing this on my phone. Glad you enjoy it. I am glad nopony has called me sadistic or anything, as I just realised 'you' seem to be feeling a lot of pain quite often. I hope you enjoy the rest when I post it, and the two billion I have planned for after it. Check my profile for a list. Once again, I digress. This was just supposed to be the thing about Opal and a thankyou. Sorry it's so long.
Just finished reading the two most recent chapters. Very good so far! Wondering what will happen next.
1078018 S'all good. I understand. And I'm willing to wait.
" What the hay is with all of the vindictive animals around here?" is actually a very good question.. Seems to me as if the only normal animals are Winona and Owlasci... Twilights Owl
... Maybe it's the fur color! Every animal with white fur is EVIL! 
Good chapter. Enjoyed it. Here, have a Schnauzer
1084612 Thanks. And I am pretty sure it is spelt Owlowiscious, for your future reference. And, yeah I just noticed that... Maybe I should make Winona half evil? She is half white, after all. And here, have one back.
Found two errors
You walk in, sightly more comfortable for some weird reason, and are blinded for a moment when the lights all flick on
The party goes for about two hours, and you spend most of it chatting with the pegasus Rainbow Dash, and the main topic of your talking is the Wonderbolts.
On to the next chapter!
Grammar Nazi time!
You look back at her and see that the pegasus is putting one foot in front of the other, grudgingly pushing herself forward.
You close you eyes and think.
I'm not sure about the word Pegasus... But my dictionary says it's wrong
Good chapter, as always. Poor Fluttershy probably cries her shy little heart out right now.
And before I forget it: Here is your Schnauzer. I love giving away these things.
1087491 Thanks for the tips, I'll fix it now. Nice to know I didn't make too many mistakes.
And, once again, have one too.
1087406 I'm not really sure how I got pegasus wrong, though...
1087521 Word says Pegasus is written with a capital P. And Firefox says so, too. Like I said, I'm not sure about that one.