Shooting Star
CHRYSALIS’ REVENGE
CHAPTER ONE: SHOOTING STAR
The Kingdom of Canterlot, high above the town of Ponyville, home of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna as well as a good number of unicorns. In stark contrast to the small town of Ponyville, Canterlot was a sprawling city, of course it’s most prominent feature was The Castle. Where Princess Celestia and her sister Princess Luna lived. Canterlot used to be the home of Twilight Sparkle until she went to Ponyville to learn about friendship. To the lavender mare it seemed like a lifetime ago. Today however Twilight Sparkle was in Canterlot Castle along with her purple dragon Spike.
“So why are we here again?” Spike grumbled as he rode on Twilights back.
“Princess Celestia wants me to see her newest student.” Twilight answered. “Her name’s Shooting Star, from what I heard, she’s pretty amazing.”
“Is she more amazing than you?” Spike asked. “Is she going to be Celestia’s new top pupil?”
“Well.” Twilight started then she paused. The pale purple mare, did overhear a conversation between the Princess’ when she was roaming earlier. Did they find someone to replace her? Sparkle shook her head. “I’m sure we’ll find out.”
The two went to a large chamber protected by two Royal Guards.
“Twilight Sparkle.” One announced. “As well as her pet Dragon Spike.”
“Pet?!” The outraged little dragon roared before he was hushed by a very harsh look from Twilight.
“I’m here to see Princess Celestia.” Twilight said politely.
“Of course.” The guard reported. “The Princess is with her newest student.”
The words hit Twilight like a rock. Newest Student? Twilight shook her mane and trotted in, to see a tall black unicorn with a yellow wavey mane levitating a gigantic boulder. Twilight took a good long look at the mare, not only was she taller, she also was prettier.
Self consciously the pruple mare looked at herself and tried to convince herself she was being silly. Twilight turned her attention to the test and noticed as the rock began to lift; it was an exercise to test a unicorn’s levitation and telekinetic magic. Twilight held the record at a minute and two seconds
The little dragon noticed something else about the Unicorn. “She’s pretty!” Spike remarked ignoring the pointed look from Twilight. “I think she’s even prettier than Rarity! Don’t tell her I said so!” Spike added frantically, to which Twilight just rolled her eyes as she watched the beautiful Unicorn perform the rock lift test.
“Well hello Twilight Sparkle.” A friendly voice whispered. Twilight looked and saw Princess Celestia in all her glory. The Alicorn was adorned in her usual attire. “Quite the sight isn’t it? She’s closing in on someone’s record.”
“My record?” Twilight asked, trying hard to not let the fear creeping over her overcome her. Just then, a cheer went up from those watching. The black unicorn fell to the ground exhausted. “She-she just broke it.”
“WOW!” Spike yelled. “One minute and ten seconds! Twilight she smashed your old record.”
Annoyed Twilight simply shot her dragon a dirty look.
“Why Twilight Sparkle,” Celestia admonished. “are you jealous?”
Twilight only nodded, she didn’t know what else to say. What could she say; when it was obvious she was being replaced.
“Well meet me in my chambers in an hour Twilight,” Celestia said. “it seems we need to talk. In the meantime please greet Shooting Star, my newest student. Also your friends are coming; I sent word to them that you are here. And I think they would want to meet her as well.”
“Why would they want to meet her?” Twilight questioned.
“Well, she’s going to be joining you in Ponyville.” Celestia replied. “Now I need to be going, meet me in my chambers in one hour.” Twilight glared as Celestia left grinding her teeth.
“Twilight Sparkle!” A guard announced. “The train with your friends is due here within the hour. Also, the Princess asked I give you these.” He handed Twilight a folder which Twilight took with her magic and she began sorting through them, oblivious to all else that was happening.
Twilight found records of Shooting Star’s academics, magic performance and much more.
“Like it,” a sweet sounding voice asked. “I knew that you would like to know aout my records since we’ll be working together in Ponyville.”
“Together?” Twilight asked.
“Yep,” Shooting Star said with a wide smile. “I’ve got to make sure I’ve got everything. I’m really looking forward to meeting our friends.” With that, Shooting Star cantered away.
“Wow.” Spike said. “She’s something else.”
“You know what this means Spike?” Twilight inquired. As she looked at the dragon, her eye twitched.
“Uh-oh” Spike muttered, then louder. “You might not want to get any crazy ideas Twilight,” He reminded her. “After all, Ponyville kind of needs another unicorn. Think of how much faster things will go with two!”
“Don’t you see what’s going on here Spike,” Twilight asked. “She’s taller than me, prettier than me…” she paused to look over Shooting Star’s record. “She’s just as good academicly! Spike! I’m being replaced!”
“I think your overeacting.” Spike said patting Twilight.
“Right.” Twilight said. “Of course.” She gave a nervous laugh.
XXXXX
“Ok Twilight.” Shooting Star said as she cantered up with her saddlebags packed. “I’m staying with you at the library. This is going to be a lot of fun, I’m really hoping to learn a lot from you.”
“I bet.” Twilight muttered under her breath. “Well!” She began cheerfully “I should go meet my friends. I’ll talk to you later.” She started walking towards the station, to her chagrin Shooting Star followed
“I’m coming with you.” Shooting Star replied. “So, are they all as interesting as I’ve read?”
“You’ve read my friendship reports?” she asked.
“At The Princess’ request.” Shooting Star answered. “You really learned a lot.”
“She did!” Spike said jumping excitedly and accidently knocking Twilight down. As she got up her mane was a mess, and Spike noticed the look in her eyes as did Shooting Star.
“Are you ok Twilight?” Shooting Star asked.
“Of course I’m alright,” Twilight answered though her tone made the lovely Unicorn doubt her even more. “Haha, I’m being replaced, what’s there to not be alright about.”
Spike winced, he knew Twilight well and long enough to know she was nearing a total mental breakdown. Her near hysterical tone the crazed twitch in her eye, the disheveled mane. All these registered to the dragon as major warning signs.
Shooting Star though missed these subtle signs and tried to comfort Twilight, thinking she was only joking.
“Replaced,” Shooting Star asked. “Oh Twilight, that’s silly!”
“Silly,” Twilight asked. “Yeah, of course I’m being silly, haha!”
“Maybe you should just relax a moment.” Shooting Star said while she gave Spike a pleading look. In return, the baby dragon just gave a helpless shrug and circled a clawed finger around one of his ears. Causing the black coated mare to chuckle.
“Riiiiight.” Twilight said her voice dripping sarcasm and she got nose to nose with the mare she considered her rival. “Relax, you would really like that wouldn’t you?”
“Well..yeah,” The blonde mare replied. “You seem wound tight.”
“That’s an understatement.” Spike grumbled. He took back his words as Twilight glared at him.
“Listen Twilight,” Shooting Star said speaking as the two where old friends. “I think you need to talk to Princess Celestia, I’m sure she can answer your questions without you losing your mind.”
Hearing the soothing words caused Twilight to calm down. “I hope so,” She said. “I’m sorry, I really am, this was all just a surprise is all. Plus your good at everything I’m good at.”
“You should see my room at home.” Shooting Star teased. “I don’t have the knack you have for organization.” The two shared a good natured giggle at that.
“At least we solved this before it got to…” Twilight started.
“The Princess,” Spike blurted. When the two mares gave him a look, he pointed behind them and with a gasp they turned to see Princess Celestia.
“Is Everypony ok,” Celestia asked. To which the two nodded. “Very good, Shooting Star can you look after Spike? I would like for you to meet Twilight’s friends when they arrive. As for you Twilight, we do need to talk.”
Shooting Star gave the purple unicorn an assuring nuzzle before levitating Spike onto her own back and cantering off.
“Come along Twilight.” Celestia said plainly as she walked off.
Feeling as bad as she did when the Princess dispelled her charm spell on Ponyville, Twilight nodded with a gulp and followed. She glanced over her shoulder to see Shooting Star with Spike on her back, she sighed and followed her mentor.
END CHAPTER ONE
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Too short, and too fast.
Needs to be expanded on.
Comments are haikus.
1491308
Only the first chapter give it time.
No, no, I like it, it's just that this first chapter is like, five chapters long-- only condensed into 1000 words. You could expand it into 5000 words and I'd read it.
It just needs little details and maybe a bit more subtlety.
Um, really? Why does Shooting Star say 'our friends', when she's never met them? Are you trying to make Celestia seem mean, because I would expect her to be more sensitive to her position in Twilight's life and her letters. Even if it is an assignment, they are kind of personal. I could understand Celestia sharing them with Luna given the unique situation there, but she seems to callously hand out what amounts to Twilight confessing to mistakes to another student. It's like Celestia is utterly oblivious to what the REAL Twilight Sparkle is like and the things that might bother her, despite having witnessed the whole 'Want it, Need it' catastrophe.
Also, be careful with the play out there. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to just throw in another Unicorn who is so much "better" than Twilight Sparkle and also is so much more social. Maybe it will get better, but I hope there's more substance to her than that and she's not totally flawless somehow. I mean I don't expect that Twilight has been super practice mode with rock lifting, but I would expect the record to be pretty hard to beat if Twilight broke it. This might all make a bit more sense if we had a time reference here. If Twilight is Celestia's first student in a long time, how is there another one in such a short period?
1492656
Some of it will be explained in the next chapter. As for the timeline I really don't have a clue, I guess it would do good to make something up about that. I guess this is where having a proofreader would be handy
All I can really do is edit, edit, edit and try to fix the mistakes.
1492729
Oh, okay. Heh, proofreaders are good -- of course you might just want to make notes for future writing and go back to them in a chapter or two. Kinda wish I had the time to do proofreading or the like (not that I have any qualifications) -- but this site already eats far more of my time than I should allow. I've run across several stories that seemed like there might be something there for a foundation of a story but got mangled in poor writing written too fast and with awful grammar/spelling.
I'm not even much of a writer, I've got a few thousand abandoned words from past attempts at nanowrimo that I may never look at again just because I'm too lazy to do anything to them in my free time such that it is.
1493425
I appreciate any and all help I can get as long as it's creative. I generally don't review or leave comments just becuase I'm not really sure what I can add that hasn't been said. Thanks for the review and hope you keep reading.
Last time i checked Shooting Star is a colt i mean i did make him
Ah, so you've got a proof reader. My only comments so far here is too fast, needs detail and yeesh so many comma splice errors! Three in the first paragraph...But I can't comment on content at the moment, I'll take a gander around and look for development