Elements

by Lyra-Chan

Epilogue

Of course the Princess didn’t go down without a fight. The war lasted three years, but in the end, The Elements ruled the kingdom. Leaving the last members of the Mane Six to rule. An assassin from the Dark Times came and killed one of the two new rulers. But it wasn’t me. It was harmless Fluttershy. Before he got away, I saw the dark cutie mark and the familiar cobalt blue stripe. But even after the loss, the kingdom had true peace and harmony. And it plans to be there long after I am gone.

Comments

[Scribblestick]

It's an interesting idea, but I thought you rushed too quickly. There was no time for me to figure out what was going on and, more importantly, why. We just jump right into an out-of-nowhere demand for Derpy's death and continue from there.

Also, there was a huge jump between Dash leaving the safe house and getting her wings hacked off. Where did she go? How'd she get caught?

And that ending... if you're going to make us hate Celestia as much as you are, you need to show us her death, ideally at the hands of the hero. That's the only way a story like this can have closure. You just brushed over it, so the ending isn't very satisfying.

[Derpy The Mailpony]

1463734 Also, the last chapter says, Epilogue which is usually at the very end of a story, yet it says incomplete.

[SoftSew]

This is an interesting concept and if it were more developed it might have been a really good story. As it is there are huge chunks of the story that are missing, the best described parts seem to be of gore and violence, the ending isn't really an ending and there are quite a few inaccuracies. How was RD caught? Exactly why was Rarity's elitism the reason that AJ dies? Why did Celestia want Derpy dead exactly? Was it that she had simply crossed the point of insanity or had Derpy done something to drive her over the edge? There were also numerous spelling errors and grammatical errors that made it difficult to stick with this story. I started of skeptical of this but read to the end all the same with the hope that it would improve but it really didn't unfortunately. Hope this doesn't sound offensive, it's meant to be constructive.

[Lyra-Chan]

1463392, this is for both of you, i agree, i did rush into it, and i put it as incomplete because i am going back and editing nonstop on it. I copied it from my google docs, and it was all written offline. So Those errors will be corrected. And the plot holes I will patch up, thanks for the advice. More will be added Thanks for the feedback aaaaaaand, i am planning on writing a sequel that goes into the war and how Celestia dies and such. I have it ended the way it does for that reason

[Critical Lighthouse]

Have Trixie bust in with akimbo Uzi's and shoot everyone up. She also has a jetpack and anti-gravity hooves attachments.

[Lyra-Chan]

1506417
I know! I wrote it last year, as my FIRST fanfiction! please give me some leeway for the time being, im attempting to fix my mistakes