Twilight Sparkle stood on her hind legs, her forelegs to her side swaying back and forth as her scythe dropped to the ground. Tears welling up in her eyes, she looked down at the corpse that laid before her, still young, but ready to die. It wasn't her fault she was chosen for this, all because she became fascinated with new powers.
"I can't believe this."
Twilight stared over the horizon, gazing on the city of Ponyville in the distance. It's inhabitants, who once saw her as one of their best friends, now barely knew her. She could walk the streets to Sugar Cube Corner, or help her friend Applejack on the family's farm. She could even sit in her Library with Spike and read her favorite books.
But none of it would be the same.
"I am evil."
Chapters (11)
Damn. Poor twi. I'll keep reading
intriguing.......short, but this may just be an opening set up...........please continue.....I will have to watch this
is this before chapter 1?
Heres my 'like' just for the awesome picture
Will read later
Your dialoge is a little off in the formatting, but that's minor. I'm interested to see where this goes.
Not bad, a few grammar errors but they're a very minor problem.
Stay classy San Diego.
i'm prety sure chapter 2 is supposed to CONTINUE from where chapter 1 left off
1455856 Yes, this was just Twilight's way of addressing the audience, so to speak.
Nice way to spare feelings there Rarity...
Rarity......that was not very generous
.............stop before RD loses it
Calling it now; rarity is the first one twilight mauls when she turns!
Very well written, at least enough to pique my interest, but I noticed one thing:
Bit*, I suspect.
Tellling someone it was THEIR fault for getting raped? Are you EVIL? Insane? Stupid? Or a mix of the three? Seriously, YOU'RE supposed to be her friends. One of you should've had the sense...Okay, perhaps not, given AJ and Fluttershy were missing, and tend to be more level headed, but, still, three of you couldn't have mustered up enough brain cells to...I know it's part of the plot, but then two of you, I may've been reading dialogue wrong, I confess, go off on her for that? Ahahahaha, you deserve whatever's coming to you. Except Spike because so far, he has no idea WHAT'S going on save, "Something happened to Twilight" and Twilight is going to play her best "I'm perfectly fine Spike, don't worry." act around him. Happily, this means he's likely to be spared in the carnage.
Love the tension and build up to the present. Also this is unfortunately one of those stories which shifted my perception of Rarity to one of a complete and utter bitch. Anyways, I look forward to te next chapter eagerly and as well the reactions of Twilight's "friends" towards who she is in the present.....
My gosh! What a darker tone than I expected so far. Curious to see where this goes
Pretty bitch move there, Rarity. That's approaching "c word" levels.
1496323 Lol, tell me about it
Rarity started the slut rumor didn't she?
What the hell is her problem?
1496775 Be honest, am I making Rarity out to be too much of a bad guy?
Kill the bitch! Kill the bitch! Kill the bitch!
Wow, why did you make Rarity such a bitch!
1496827 It's not going to last, don't worry! She will realize her mistake soon enough.
1496830 she better soon, because that first chapter seems to be coming up fast in the story timeline, haha.
Chapter 2:
Should be:
"How to dance your plot off. Definitely not her best choice in books"
go go go keep going
WHY THE CRAP DID YOU WRITE RARITY TO BE SUCH A *B*CH?!
*smacks self*
...Ahem, I mean: Good sir, why did you choose to portray Rarity as a character that deliberately expresses herself as the pony that the protagonist and by extension the readers must focus their hatred towards?
1496804 A little.
Lets be honest, if your friend came to you saying that she was drugged and raped with her virginity stolen away, are you really going to jump to the conclution and say that was her fault? Are you going to say "You are lying and you are just a slut." when your friend has shown plenty of times that she is nether a liar or someone who is looking for a quick lay?
I get that Twilight was a little reckless at the club, but for Rarity to say and do what she did is astounding to me.
Technically, that last sentence they whispered was true. Also, I can't read it in a venomous or spiteful tone. It always comes out mildly confused.
1496804 no actually i find rarity as a believable figure in the 'Unbelievable Bitch' Category.
Rarity....
newsimg.ngfiles.com/196000/196308_dfsfwefrsf.jpg
Edit: Now I can't wait to see Rairty's face when Twilight kills herself then comes back from it all....distorted...so please release the next chapter soon!
Rarity deserves no sympathy from me at all
karma will get her back soo badly i can just sense it right now
1496865 I fixed it.
that bitch Rarity must die
Wow, Rarity is getting SO much hate in the last two chapters.
I guess she deserves it, but there are other things going on too. lol
If you are going to make wearing clothes normal you might want to add the AU tag, in canon most ponies go naked unless it is a special occasion. Also while the story looks interesting it really isn't believable for me if we consider canon personalities. Rainbow Dash sees the stallion slip something on Twilight's drink, doesn't say anything until after the deed is done, she allows some random stallion to take her home knowing that there was something on her drink and while she supports Twilight she doesn't really display wilt but only anger at the stallion? And you took Rarity too far, some skepticism on the matter of the pill might be possible but even if she was only drunk she wouldn't have doubted that she was raped, but not only you have her say she doesn't believe that she calls Twilight a slut and insinuates she already slept with several stallions. Then is the matter that a national hero was raped, one who is the pupil of the godlike ruler and the sister of the Captain of the royal guard, if Twilight didn't get home the first thing Spike would do in the morning is panic and send a letter, if he didn't stay up all night and sent a letter even before that, you need to remember Twilight wouldn't leave Spike alone without warning him before, and even ignoring that the moment there is a possible rape the doctor would warn the authorities and either Celestia or Shinning Armor would be moving heaven and earth to find the stallion within the hour. Is not the story itself that is unbelievable, with any other number or characters even on real life it would be unfortunately more than possible, but considering the characters you are using their responses aren't really right.
1517010 Well it was a party they went to, that's why they were wearing clothes as it was a special occasion. The reason it was so odd in the second chapter is because Twilight's clothes were GONE when she had them on beforehand and did not remember taking them off herself. The reason Rainbow Dash didn't say anything is because she was unsure. While she doesn't trust the stallion in the slightest, she trusted Twilight, which was her biggest mistake. And Rarity, ok I admit to going a bit too far, but that's mainly because I personally dislike her. Now as for the Spike issue, there are a lot of things I might have not covered to save time and words. Twilight did warn Spike that she may not be coming home, but she did it outside the chapter, and if you recall Twilight didn't want the authorities involved as she was still in denial and she was too willing to just move on, I suppose. You are right, it could use some rewriting (which I probably will be doing tonight) but it doesn't seem too bad, does it?
1522884 First of all I'm just pointing what I believe might be wrong, not to put you down, but to give constructive criticism, you don't have to agree with my point of view, if I ever manage to write a story and publish it I would like my hypothetical readers to point out my mistakes to fix what I consider needs fixing and to learn from it. Also I'm aware that what I perceive to be the personality of a character and it's reaction to a given situation can be different to your perception. If after reading my commentary you agree with what I said you are more than welcome to change it, but it wouldn't be a problem if you disagreed and left things as they are. I can't remember the name of the fic but not long ago a story was nearing the end, some readers complained and the author erased all but the first chapter and rewrote it, unfortunately it didn't end with one rewrite, he uploaded several versions and ended up not pleasing anyone. If you are pleased with your story, if you believe a rewrite would make your story better go ahead, but remember that you can't make everyone happy and in the end it's your story and your opinion comes first, if writting becomes a chore it stops being fun.
Now, It's normal to like some characters more than others, or even outright dislike or even hate, but when you are using pre-existing characters you can't just make them act OOC and expect the reader to just accept it.
For example there are a large number of ruthless tyrant Celestia just because some authors don't like her but after seeing her accept her sister after what she did, forgive the main 6 for what they did at the gala and forgive Twilight for brainwashing the whole town a ruthless Celestia doesn't fit her character, on the other hand you could portrait her as inept despite all her suppose power and age and have her as little more then a figurehead ruler without realizing she has no real power and someone has been taking all the real decisions and using her against those she loves. A fic where Celestia realizes her Royal Guard acting in her name has been hunting down her sister and/or her student and she never discover it until being directly confronted by the hunted would be in character for her if done correctly, it shows her in a bad light but doesn't go against canon.
In this story Rarity verbally assaulting Twilight outright doesn't fit her character, on the other hand there are other ways to make the reader dislike her, you could have her giving her the cold shoulder when her friend needs her most and putting her work and reputation above her friend. Have her know what the stallion did, have her know who he is, but instead of supporting her friend she rationalizes that she can't put her reputation on the line considering her line of work, why she also is the main source of income of her family what would happen to Sweetie Bell. She simply can't associate with a know slut or risk infuriating that particular stallion. I don't know about others but if expanded correctly the second idea can have you hating Rarity and she has already shown herself shallow while mingling with the Canterlot society, and there is also her little act during the young fliers competition. You can't change a character just because you hate it, but you can bring the reader attention to what is already there.
Also you comment that Twilight doesn't want the authorities involved but the doctor simply wouldn't risk not warning Celestia and the Guard of what transpired, it would be better to face the consequences of speaking that what the Goddess of Equestria and the Captain of the Guard would do if they discover that something of that nature was kept from them. I already said it, is not a rape victim not wanting publicity what's unbelievable, the problem is that despite what Twilight wishes her connections take preference and considering every pony in Ponyville seems to know what happened it would only be a matter of time before the fact that it was kept from them was no longer a secret and it brought divine punishment...
Don't misunderstand me, your story is not bad, the problem is that you are not writing regular fiction but a fanfic, and if you are using a character with a established personality and connections, and that means you are more or less restricted in what you can or can't do. If we weren't talking about a character with a personality that contradicts your story your Rarity would be believable, if Twilight wasn't the personal pupil of Celestia and the sister of the Captain of the Royal Guard you could probably make the doctor keep his mouth shut. But that isn't the case and after reading something that bothers me I had to point it out, no the story isn't too bad, and I'm interested in seeing where it is going, but I had to point what bothered me.
I wonder what Celestia knows...
wow.....Rarity is cruel in this one............not sure I've ever read her this mean
Consider using something else for the story summary. Dialogue isn't a good choice, and kind of turns away readers.
A good summary doesn't summarize the story, instead it gives the reader small bits of information about the conflict or main character's predicament, in hopes of getting the reader interested. The summary won't tell the reader what happens in the story. On another general tip never end the story with a question, especially a question with an obvious answer.
Twilight, Twilight you should know that repressed emotion isn't good for you. It will only end up worse for you...
interesting that the hook for her revival is essentially to put herself in the helpless situation that started it all in the 1st place.........hmmmm
Dayum! That was interesting....I thought the part where they were mouring and finding her was a little short. Still though....dayum!
woah
1717244 note he RAPED her. That makes it completely within his domain. But lust is used in the favor of subtle swaying, not force. Making lust' anger justifiable.
Reaction: troll.me/images/asdasdasdasdasdasd/oh-shit-son-it-just-got-real-up-in-here-thumb.jpg
Analysis: Twilight is going to do a few things she might regret in the future. Also it was kind of foreboding by her saying she knows who her true friends are now. Can you say "Rarity is defriended?" Liked the chapter, felt it was kind of short but it had some good substenance. Nothing of big issue among it. Maybe grammar but I didn't check so I'm goign to say it is clear. Like the characterization of the ponies but I do feel Twilight is flip flopping a little too much.
Prediction: Shit is going to hit the fan and ponies and friends will get hurt. Twilight will show no regret till she is forced to hurt a friend. That is when the regret will kick in and then the martyrdom will happen again.
And that is my serious comment for the month.
titaniumteddybear.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/spongebob-shit-just-got-real.jpg
OH shit did not see Lust wanting the stallion killed coming.
How many times is spit going to get real?
...
Don't answer that.