A tyrannical king has claimed the world of man. One boy, however, has made his way to Equestria. And the battle for the worlds begins.
Chapters (21)
- Member Since 28th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen Feb 23rd, 2023
TheBlackPanda
Ohai. I'm gonna start writing fics cause I'm a Brony and shit sooo ya :D
TheBlackPanda
Joined 28th Dec, 2011 ·
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Beautiful, I am held in rapture. You have inspired me.
Beautiful, I am held in rapture. You have inspired me.
Sorry, double post was accidental.
93173
Thanks dude!
Can't read it.. won't show up.. *sadface*
93383 Sorry, accidentally replaced the third chapter with a google docs link. :(
This is a very interesting concept, I like it a lot. I have something to say, if I may. The story itself is great, but the structure of it is...weak. Please do not take this the wrong way at all, for I am telling you this so you can turn this 4/5 story into a 5/5 story. The story needs pacing, I read the first two chapters and I can pretty much remember every single word you used. Now this can be a good thing or a bad thing. The good thing is that it is short and sweet and to the point, but the bad part is that there isn't enough detail. Pause for a moment in between conversation and let us know what our protagonist is looking at. Now you did this well with people, but everything else is lacking. Now this may be because we should all know what you are talking about, but when someone reads a story, they like imagery to put them in the location. Try to show us what is happening, not telling us. For example, the second chapter opens with "I woke up, wondering if I was dreaming. I looked down to see a girl with rainbow colored hair in my arms.
) and see what happens.
Yep, it wasn't a dream." Now the sight detail is fine, there is no problem there. But that's all we have going for us. Lets add some imagery (some MAGIKS!
Was I dreaming? I cracked open one eye to take in my surroundings. There was a cool breeze rolling in through the open window. I opened my other eye to take in everything that was around me. The ceiling was white as snow, and it swayed, ever so slightly, with the breeze. I ran one of my hands up the wall. It looked so soft, but it resisted heavily to my touch. In the corner of the room there was a little fountain that was dripping a rainbow ever so slowly. I was so busy checking out my surroundings, that I forgot the best detail of all. The faint smell of perfume (if RD would use it) was brought to my nose by the breeze. I rolled back over into the face of a woman with rainbow dyed hair. She rolled so her back was facing me and she nuzzled up close to my body. I wrapped my free arm around her. If this was a dream, I didn't want to wake up.
You see, what I did is I gave details that, where are not overly needed for the plot of the story, make it so we can put ourselves into the position of the narrator. I BEG YOU!!!! DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED! Imagery is the single most difficult thing to master when writing a story (barring grammar, usage and mechanics but those don't apply to the story itself much). You don't have to make it as detailed as mine either, just something that can put us into the scene where our main character currently resides. If you have any questions or anything of the like, please send me a message. I love editing and helping people get started.
Best Wishes,
Ty500600
P.S.!!!! Im tracking this, I am very curious about where this will go!!!
94371 Thanks for the tips man! I appreciate it!
Oh, also you're doing an AWESOME job with your My Little Dashie sequel!
Now that was detail my friend, that was much better. Suspense and drama, great! This is going to be good, I can tell. Keep up the good work!!!!
Wow thanks for the note in the beginning cause you were right If I were there and found out that the mane six conquer equestria, I would swing a sword at them, impale them and plant a huge nuke on each one of them. I own a dirty mind.XD
97347 Other way around, my friend. I captured them to get paid after Apocalypse had taken Equestria. I killed them because- never mind you have to wait until the next chapter :P
Your rushing through character development way too fast. The general idea and interactions are great but you take no time to go through the process of developing your own characters. It feels too unrealistic to just jump right in and you skip a lot of details that would clear the story line up and make it more understandable. It's a little confusing as to how the main character went from normal Earth, to Equestria (you don't even hint as to where he landed), to Cloudsdale. I don't even remember which of the two B names went to Equestria. Brian and Brandon? The names were bad choices for such a fast paced story due to the similar pronunciation. It makes it hard for the reader to distinguish characters without a personality to attach to each name.
104664 Comment noted. Thanks. This is my first attempt at writing and the plot idea was something I thought of on a sleepless night.
But anyways, I'm working to get a friend to help me out with this story so next time it's updated it WILL have improvements in character. So look forward to some very good improvements in the future.
treason alert don't be a arsonist! treason is step one don't arson!
122823 Hmmm... That is a good idea!
i think you took my point in another direction....[confused face] I said not to hurt anypony because arson is attacking an ally and treason at the same time
SHIT JUST GOT REAL
This is... bad.
132433 Bad as in too much? Or bad as in tragic?
Guys, you should comment on my stories more. I need to know what I'm doing wrong.
this is beautiful,here have 5 stars
you rushed the whole thing
I'm crying right now
From happiness
bylandwaterandair.com/images/usa/the_light_end_tunnel.jpg
hahahaahaha
wat is this i don't even.......
eeyup
132451 never cryed so much ..................... and i'm worse than discord way worse
161161 it's ok here have a fluttershy