Episode 29: I Quit
"I quit" groaned the Sun Goddess as she rolled over in her throne.
"You say that every day." answered Luna as she flipped the page of her comic
"No" Celestia groaned once again "Every day we have to put up with all the crude this universe throws at us." She finished as she slowly started to slide out of her throne, her head gently touching the ground, followed by the sudden thud of the rest of her body.
"So what do you want to do then?" Luna asked as she closed her comic and turned to face her sister. "Are you going with our original plan of torch the planet and run?"
"No, too many witnesses" the Sun Goddess stated flatly "I think I'm going to do something a little more subtle."
"What's going on in here?" spoke the voice of Nightmare as she stuck her head in the door way
"I'm quitting!" shouted Celestia as she rolled over on the floor.
"We can quit?!" Asked the Goddess of Nightmares a look of absolute joy and surprise.
"Sure you can!" answered Celestia
"Well then, see you foals never again!" Nightmare shouted as the purple aura covered her horn, with a flash of light she was ready for her eternal vacation, her armor replaced with a flower pattern shirt and a nice par of sun glasses. "Goodbye suckers!" she finished with a laugh as she prepared to teleport to some unknown beach.
"Not so fast" Luna stated as she summoned an ethereal leash. "If Celestia's quitting that means I'm in charge, and I'd like to have all my power in one place." Nightmare's joy was quickly destroyed as she realized she was still trapped in her living hell.
"You're not in charge” Celestia spoke as she picked herself up the ground.
"Since when is Nightmare bald!" echoed a faint but familiar voice from above.
"Shut up Discord!" hissed the possibly bald Goddess as she fired several spells into the darkness of the ceiling. After several seconds of waiting the faint explosions of the spells rocked the room causing bits of rubble and the Draconequus of the hour to come plummeting to the ground, landing with a bone crunching thud.
"I-I didn't eve... even get a proper joke in" coughed the God of Chaos as he faded off into the void.
Several hours later in Ponyville
Golden Oak Library, Ponyville's one and only establishment for all you reading need, home to some of the finest foal stories in all of Equestria as well as Twilight Sparkle, the Element of Magic and soon to be incredibly annoyed.
"What are you doing?" asked the Alicorn of Darkness as she slowly rose from behind the couch.
"Go away Nightmare" The lavender mare stated, her annoyance starting to seep through as she tried to focus on her book.
"But what are you doing?" Nightmare asked as she leaned over Twilight in an attempt to get a better look at the book.
"I'm reading, now go away." Twilight answered with a sigh
"What are you reading?" The Alicorn asked feigning innocence as she continued to annoy the pony who had defeated her in the past.
"Daring Do and the Alicorn who wouldn't die"
"Sounds stupid" Nightmare answered as she slowly raised her sandwich and took a bite.
Twilight finally broke "First off, why are you eating my food, secondly why are you here?"
"Well hiding behind a couch for two hours can make anyone hungry" The Alicorn answered her mouth still full. "And secondly can't I come visit my favorite sun loving pony?"
"No!" Twilight hissed "Now why are you here?"
"You're a Princess Twilight!" Nightmare stated as she slowly lowered a crown down onto the head of the rather grumpy looking pony, never breaking eye contact with her hateful gaze. "But seriously, Sunbutt says I have to make you a Princess." With a flare of Nightmare's horn Twilight was engulfed in a purple aura and in a flash of light... nothing was that different.
"You can have the fancy magic now; you get the wings when you tell me you're sorry for stopping eternal night"
"Wait what?!" The confused Twilight shouted as she tried to comprehend all the had happened in the last few seconds. "Where's Princess Celestia?"
"She quit" Nightmare answered flatly
"Why didn't she say anything to me?!"
Nightmare shrugged "I don't know, but she gave me an entire list of things I was supposed to do to make you a Princess. Did you know she had a magical room filled with videos of you?"
"Why wouldn't she come talk to me...." Twilight muttered to herself
"Yeah, it was actually kind of creepy. Did you know she made clones of you?"
"I thought I was her favorite student."
"I think she was planning to invade with an army of you, that's weird though because she already rules the majority of the planet."
"What were you say?" Twilight asked as she finally broke free from her self questioning.
"I said she even wrote a song for you." Nightmare answered.
"Really?!" the lavender Unicorn asked overwhelming joy in her voice.
"Yeah but it was stupid so I threw those notes out and brought you my own song. Do you want to hear it?"
"Sure" Twilight answered through gritted teeth
"♪Three months of winter coolness and awesome holidays, we've kept our hoov-" Sadly Nightmares almost perfect singing was cut off as she simply exploded leaving no trace she had ever been there.
Twilight stared in stunned horror as the glow from her horn faded "Oops" she muttered as she realized how much power she now held and at the same time realized it would be the perfect time to find her mentor. Carefully she began focusing a small portion of her magic into a teleportation spell and in a flash of light and a whispered prayer to her mentor she found herself in one of the many dark halls of Canterlot Castle.
"Close enough" she spoke happily to herself as she realized she was still alive.
"P-pony" came a stuttered voice followed by an unintelligent grown and some hissing. Twilight carefully began making her way down the hall towards the source of the growls
"Use words" answered the first voice as Twilight came into view of its source. She was surprised to see none other than the still recovering Sombra and what appeared to be a small foal with a bucket it on its head.
"Well, not the weirdest thing I've seen here" the lavender mare muttered to herself as she approached the two ponies, after a few seconds she realized that the older unicorn was none other than Sombra, she knew he was in the castle, but her teacher hadn't gone into too much detail.
"Pony here" Spoke the foal beneath the bucket.
"You Twilight?" asked the gray unicorn as he and nibbles stared at the lavender mare.
"Yes" the mare answered cautiously
"Good" Sombra answered with a sudden smile "We here waiting for long time"
"Who's "We"? You and the little guy?" she asked as she pointed to the bucket wearing pony.
"Celestia say Shining, me and, Nibbles wait for you here"
At the mention of her brother’s name the lavender unicorn instantly perked up.
"Shining is here? Where is he?"
Neither Sombra nor Nibbles said anything, they only pointed towards the door as they silently listened to the voices on the other side.
"So is there anywhere you've taken me that you didn't take her?!" Cadance hissed
"No..." Shining said with an awkward chuckle "But Chrysalis says she knows this great little dine-" Shining Armor was cut off as he watched the vase his wife was levitating holding explode in her magics grasp.
"I'll give you a five second head start" Cadance growled her voice becoming distorted
Shining armor bolted for the door and was surprised to see that Twilight had already arrived.
"Hey Twiley" he spoke calmly as he tried to hide his fear hoping his sister hadn't heard what was happening.
Twilight didn't have enough time to answer as black tendril wrapped itself around Shining's legs
"Hello Twilight" Cadance spoke as her head emerged from the doorway her eyes burning with all the fires of Tartarus and her teeth razor sharp.
"Run!" Shining managed to yell as he was ripped back into the room, the door slamming shut.
Twilight, Sombra and Nibbles never looked back as they bolted through the castle halls. Twilight had only seen Cadance like this one other time and that was when Shining had forgotten his and Cadance's anniversary. It took the royal guard two hours to find which cloud Cadance had dumped him off on and another two days before he'd look at Cadance without screaming. Now that she thought about it that probably wasn't healthy for a relationship, but in Cadance's defense Shining did throw her off a balcony.
Twilight was knocked out of her thoughts as she slammed into a large blue wall. Sombra and Nibbles not noticing as they continued to run.
"There you are Twilight Sparkle" Luna spoke as she helped the lavender mare up with her magic. "Where is Nightmare? I thought she was told to escort you back to the castle."
Twilight gave a nervous chuckle has she rubbed a hoof against her leg, "Well you see"
"You blew her up didn't you?" Luna said with a stern look, after a couple of seconds it faded to a smile "Then you've completed your induction, you are now a Princess of Equestria."
"Why does everyone keep saying I'm a Princess now? And where is Princess Celestia?"
"Didn't Nightmare tell you anything?" Luna asked with a raised brow. "She was supposed to give you Celestia's letter telling you to meet her in the throne."
Twilight's horn began to glow again as a look of anger spread across her face, in a flash of light Nightmare Moon reappeared between the two of them.
"I'm alive!" Nightmare shouted before promptly exploding once again.
"Better?" Luna asked
"Better" Twilight answered. "Now let's go see Princess Celestia."
Meanwhile in the Canterlot Gardens
Celestia lay in the cool shade of her gardens latest statue, Queen Chrysalis. Cadance and Shining Armor had come down to visit and now it seemed Cadance was on the warpath. She had managed to take down Chrysalis quite easily seeing as the Changeling Queen was apparently frozen in stone along with her breakfast and the table she was eating at. She expecting Shining would soon be joining the Changeling Queen.
Celestia found her peaceful relaxation quickly disturbed as panicked hoof beats made their way into the garden and after several seconds both Sombra and Nibbles came to crashing halt in front of her.
"Cadance go crazy!" Sombra managed to wheeze out before collapsing
"I know she did" Celestia spoke calmly as she patted the unconscious unicorn on the head. Quietly watching as Nibbles made his way over to Sombra's side before passing out as well.
"There you are sister!" Luna shouted happily but quickly found herself lowering the volume as her sister glared at her, directing her gaze toward the two sleeping ponies. "Sorry" Luna whispered back. "Twilight is waiting for you in the throne room, she isn't too happy."
Celestia gave a defeated sigh as she stood up, deep down inside she knew it wouldn't be that easy to just quit, at the same time though she made a mental note to blow up Nightmare at some point. "So what's the problem?" Celestia asked as the two Goddesses made their way to the throne room.
"Apparently Nightmare decided to go improv with your entire plan."
"What about my song?!"
"She threw it out" Luna answered trying her best to comfort her sister.
Celestia didn't respond as her horn began to glow in a flash of light Nightmare Moon stood before them,
"I'm alive... again!" Nightmare shouted and in another flash of light she found herself on the surface of the moon... then she exploded.
As Celestia made her way through the castle halls she began to wonder why she thought sending Nightmare to tell Twilight was a good idea. She had been meaning to visit Twilight anyways and telling her in person would probably have saved her a lot of trouble. Either way attempting to gain a couple hours on her eternal retirement had backfired and returned to bite her in the flank as usual.
Now the Sun Goddess stood outside her own throne room unsure of what she would say to her student.
Celestia gave a sigh as she tried to open the door, but to her surprise it refused to open. Several attempts later and she still remained stuck outside. Grasping the large chamber doors with her magic she attempted to force them open, and in an instant a small ocean came rushing towards her. During her time beneath the torrent of water many things passed through her mind, every spaghetti Tuesday they had had for the last two years, Discord had wanted to make it spaghetti Wednesday but that was madness even for him. She also began to question why she was quitting, then she remembered she was currently drowning outside of her throne room which only reinforced her desire to quit, then the water was gone.
"Princess!" shouted a familiar voice "Princess Celestia are you okay?!" Twilight shouted as she rushed towards her mentor.
Celestia groaned as she picked herself off the floor, her drenched tail and mane weighing her down. "What was that?" the Sun Goddess asked as her horn began to glow and in a flash she was completely dry.
"Don't know!" Twilight blurted out "I wanted a glass of water, so I thought I'd try using my magic but then the water wouldn't stop happening. Then the room started filling up and I tried to get rid of the water, but it just kept making more and and"
"Twilight you need to calm down, it's just a bit of water." Celestia added with a chuckle as she once again used a drying spell to help out her soaked student. "Besides this is my fault, I really, really shouldn't have sent Nightmare to something so important"
"So it's true then?" Twilight asked once again reminded of her original fear. "But why?"
"I want to be sleep in" Celestia answered flatly
"What?" Twilight muttered in confusion
"I want to sleep in" Celestia repeated "For the last three thousand four hundred and six years I've woken up at exactly 6:00AM so I could raise the sun, and then I head out to morning court. I'm not even allowed to sleep in on the weekends; do you know what that does to a pony?" Celestia asked in an almost pleading tone.
"But why me? Why not get Luna to just do it?"
Celestia was already prepared for this question and with a flare of her horn and a flash of light a completely drenched Luna now stood next to her and Twilight.
"That was awesome" Luna stated flatly
"What happened?" Celestia asked out of curiosity
"Paperwork was trying to get me to fill out some documents and a freaking tsunami took us out!" Luna shouted in excitement as she threw her hooves in the air. "So what do you two need?"
"Twilight wants to know why you're not allowed to raise the sun and the moon." Celestia asked with a raised brow.
"Because I tried to murder my sister..... Again and take over the country. Therefore I shouldn't be allowed to rule the country and I should feel bad, bad Princess" Luna added as she pretended to slap herself.
With another flare of Celestia's horn Luna was plunged back into the wave that was still making its way through the castle.
"So that's why it has to be you. You've beaten both Nightmare and Discord before so you should have no problem handling them on a regular basis. Besides my faithful student, it's not like I'm leaving, so I'll be here to help you, as long as my help isn't required before 9:00AM." The Sun Goddess added with a smile hoping to comfort her student and ensure her sleep was undisturbed.
"But what about Spike and all my other friends" Twilight asked fearful that she wouldn't be able to see her friend as much anymore.
"Twilight, you now have enough magical power bend reality with a single thought. If you want to spend time with your friends, you can basically be anywhere at any point in time, as for Spike we’ve already made accommodations in your room for him."
"Really?" The lavender Unicorn asked as her mind began to race.
"Yes my student" Celestia answered as she realized she finally had her leverage "Think of all the science you could do."
"Yes do it for the science Twilight" added a new but familiar voice.
Both Twilight and Celestia were equally surprised by its source.
"Me?" Twilight stammered in confusion
"Yes" answered the older and much taller lavender Alicorn. "I have traveled back in time almost four thousand years to ensure that you accept this chance in the name of science, also we're out of mustard." She added as she levitated the small yellow container into the air "Can I borrow some?"
"Only if she accepts" Celestia answered with a devious grin
"Twilight, you need to say yes." The larger Alicorn pleaded nervously "If you don't, I cease to exist, but more importantly the greatest sandwich Equestria will ever know will never be created, it's a marvel of snack and science."
"Fine" Twilight answered with a defeated sigh
"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes" the older Twilight began to chant as she galloped off in search of mustard.
"Is this the proper moment to tell you we don't have any mustard?" Celestia asked with a raised brow.
Twilight laughed "Apparently in about four thousand years I'm going to be incredibly disappointed. So what do we do now?"
"You want to go blow up Nightmare?" The Sun Goddess asked with a smirk
"You know what? I'd love that." Twilight answered with a grin.
[1 Week Later]
"You know" Cadance spoke as she finished chewing her food "This isn't bad, in fact it's quite good"
Shining only nodded as he continued to chow down on his food.
"See, you should trust me more often when I say I know a good place to get food." Chrysalis spoke as she pushed her now empty plate away. "How's your food Sombra?" the Changeling Queen asked as she shifted focus to the grey unicorn who sat beside her.
"Is good" Sombra answered as searched the booth the four of them currently sat at. "Where Nibbles go?"
The only answer they received was the crashing of dishes and the screams of several chefs somewhere in the Restaurants kitchen.
"Found him" Shining managed to get out through he mouth full of food.
"So how is everything?" The approaching waitress asked as she nervously checked behind her every few seconds. "Would anyone like some dessert?"
"You know what" Chrysalis spoke as she placed a hoof under her chin "We'll take some apple pie. Put everything on Discord's tab"
"I'll need a middle and last name for the tab" the Waitress asked as finished taking notes down. "I know it might seem stupid, I know who you're talking about, but the restaurant manager wants all tabs to be listed with full names" As another clatter of dishes echoed from the kitchen the mare's focus causing her to lose her magical grip on her pen and pad.
"Anyone know Discord's "Full Name"?" Chrysalis asked with a raised brow.
"Discord Q. Pudding" Sombra answered without hesitation gaining rather strange looks from everyone at the table.
"Sombra, how do you know that?" Cadance asked with slight worry.
"Discord take monopoly very seriously." The grey unicorn answered
Nobody was sure how to respond so they all chose to silently nod.
"Okay, we're having some issues in the kitchen at the moment, but your pie should be here in a couple minutes." The waitress added a quick bow as she made her towards the kitchen.
"Poor foal" Chrysalis spoke as she watched the kitchen door shut "The pie was probably the first thing Nibbles devoured."
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Oh my, should have expected Cadance reaction from last time. Girls rarely appreciate being taken to the same places as their friends ex's.
So totally worth the wait.
Discord Q. Pudding.
Why they keep blowing up Nightmare that's mean...yet still funny at the same time.
The insanity has increased.
NM! that was a good song
Hehe I like Discord's name having Q in it
So does this mean that Twilight is now going to die on a regular basis?
Can't wait to see her adorkable reaction to that.
ya a new chapter! did you use my idea?
3931346 I completely agree time to see twilight die in hilarious fashions... most likely by her friends doing something because now they can.
Poor Twilight. Poor, poor Twilight.
Oh my god some of the best ideas you've ever mentioned, all rolled up into one chapter. SO GOOD
how long will Celestia be retired? and when will Twilight get killed for the first time?
Nibbles my favorite.
Is this a sequel to something?
we're all gonna DIE
I... I had an idea. This is the result of the idea, and i'm not sorry.
i16.photobucket.com/albums/b15/ultra1437/Cellyblowupnightmare_zps9167904f.jpg
Totally worth the 10 minutes it took to
find, get frustrated not finding,take, and edit this screenshot, and i WISH i could've found an appropriate bit from Frozen instead. Now i can't get 'You Wanna Build A Snowman?' out of my head.Def one of my favorite chaps yet. Every scene had something memorable/hilarious happen. Especially liked nightmares antics with twi in the beginning
page of her comic
needs a full stop
all the crude this universe
crud, not crude
stuck her head in the door way
through would be better than in, needs a full stop, doorway would be better than door way
"Sure you can!" answered Celestia
full stop
Alicorn who wouldn't die"
full stop
were you say?" Twilight
saying
voice becoming distorted
full stop
her leg, "Well you see"
full stop
Nightmare to something so important"
to do something
full stop
original fear. "But why?"
full stop
Celestia answered flatly
full stop
muttered in confusion
full stop
Quite a few of the single lines need a full stop
Gosh!
The phrase "I am alive!" from nightmare rang in my head in claptrap's voice!
Why do I imaging Nightmare blowing up like a balloon (literally)
The insanity is unstoppable.
Discord's middle name is 'Q'!
Star Trek reference FTW
3932457 thanks for getting that song stuck in my head.
3934063
Oh god now it's in my head
3935654
I luv u Q
3935581
I'm sure we could stop the insanity
3935370
WHY CAN'T I LIKE THIS COMMENT TWICE
3934472
BOOM
3934467
In my head Celestia has literally no mercy, she says go and promptly stabs Twilight. Eventually Twilight catches on and starts setting up traps.
3933138
The Alicorn Who Wouldn't Die is also the title of a movie staring Nightmare
3932457
Haven't seen Frozen yet, I should probably see it
3932198
Don't worry you'll get better
3932151
Sequel to this Return Of His Harmony But you don't have to read it, it's pretty bad so you should hide from it actually.
The only thing that really happens is it explains that the Elements semi fixed Discord's insanity.
3931819
She'll be retired for the rest of the story, she'll still be a character but she'll be more "Down to Equestria" I.E Some of the staff will use this to their advantage. (Only a Princess has the right to raid the royal fridge)
3932090
I love my Nibbles
3931062
I had written a different ending where Cadance throws shining off the Balcony but then I switched it for the current ending. (Which I love so much more)
3931085
Boom!
3931191
If you rip up someones song you better expect to get blown up.
3931290
People don't appreciate musical master pieces.
3931211
Then we'll have to calm it down a bit :D Maybe a proper Luna chapter will calm things down.
3931311
It just seems right :P
3931315
Hiding in Trixie's basement (Don't ask why)
3931346
I feel that she'll be using each and every death in the name of science.
3931410
Yes and no, I had already started this chapter about a month ago (Up until Twilight teleports to the castle) but the comments on the blog helped me change my mind about scrapping it.
3931581
3931695
Dear
PrincessCelestiaBeing set on fire hurts. However today I learned that while on fire you can tackle the pony who set you on fire in order to bring them down with you.
Your new Princess Twilight Sparkle
3931734
I QUIT
3938511
img.photobucket.com/albums/v193/Christovski/munchingintensifies_zpscfd4689f.gif?t=1385852212
3939284
Gilda knows what she did
It seems that as the years go by, Twilight's insanity will increase...as well as her "physique" and mustardthirst.
Behold, Princess Twilight Sparkle a.k.a. Dawnbutt a.k.a. Insane Mustard Addict
3942800
We're all mad here
"I'm alive... again!" Nightmare shouted and in another flash of light she found herself on the surface of the moon... then she exploded.
Love this
3943968
The trick is to keep them guessing
Who could've known she would explode once she was on the moon!
3944493
Double-Whammy.
This is my new favorite chapter.
When i first started reading this series, I have to admit i thought it was mediocre at best. But you've actually managed to make me laugh more than once with this one, and for that i do applaud you
Certainly glad i kept following this
3942800 you do realise that twilight is when the sun sets not rises.
3942800 It's "DuskButt"
Q pudding why aren't I surprised
Snrk. So much lol in this chapter. I kinda hoped Chryssie would hey back at Cadance for the stoning, but I guess her being able to say "I did it first" to any thing she mentions doing with Shining its just as good.