• Published 25th Dec 2011
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Equestria's Crazies - Thorax



Life can be hard, life can be funny, life can be shocking. Here, life is just plain crazy.

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Episode 9: Death Of Celestia

It was a magnificent day in Canterlot, well as far as Luna knew at least and that's all that mattered. From the moment she woke up the day had just felt better than most. Colors seemed brighter and the world just seemed all around better today. Discord had made her and Celestia breakfast, she knew he had most likely broken something, but that didn't matter. Nightmare had apparently something more entertaining to do, and had departed from the castle before dawn. To top off this already great day her older sister had invited her to join in on the morning court.

Sure, it's boring Luna thought to herself But I haven't been able to spend quality time with her in days.

"So Luna, how do you think we should proceed?" Celestia asked looking away from the two brown earth ponies that stood before them.

Pony feathers Luna mentally swore I should have known she'd want my impute, I don't even know what they were talking about.

"Just a moment please I'll need a few seconds to think this over."

"Don't worry my dear sister; matters like these require careful thinking."

Crap Luna swore once again Okay don't panic, just remember what Nightmare told you. "When in doubt use some Manticores" wait, that's terrible why would earth ponies need Manticores

"So Luna have you come up with any suggestions?" Celestia asked

Luna let out a weak chuckle "Manticores?"

"Manticores?" Her sister repeated a serious expression rolling across her face "Manticores"

Luna prepared herself for the inevitable rant once Celestia realized she had paid almost no attention for the last several minutes. However it never came instead her sister’s expression turned to one of glee.

"Luna you're a genius!" She said happily

"What?! Oh I mean, yes, yes I am"

"Manticores are the perfect thing to remove timber wolves. I believe the guards have just finished Training the newest batch. I'll have a patrol of Guards sent down to your farm and we'll get rid of that den."

"Oh thank you, you're majesties" The Brown earth stallion said with a bow, his wife quickly following along.

Celestia let out a soft giggle "It was our pleasure my little ponies, it's good to know we were able to find a way to save your farm. Now you two should run along, the train back to Hoofington leaves within the hour. The guards should arrive on your farm within the next two days."

With a final bow and a thank you the two earth ponies were off. Leaving the two royal sisters alone in the room once again. Celestia turned to face her sister a goofy grin plastered on her face.

"You had no idea what you were doing, didn't you?" she said doing her best to stifle another giggle.

"Nope" Luna responded matter-of-factly

"I'm surprised you followed Nightmare's advice"

"Hey!" Luna shouted "Who said it was her advice? I made up the answer on the spot."

Celestia laughed "Luna, you've always been a terrible liar. Anyways Manticores just aren't your style."

Luna was about to give a retort about how Manticores were in fact her style, but before she could speak the sounds of trumpets filled the hall. As a unicorn guard stepped forward and cleared his throat."

"Now entering the court of the Sun and Moon, Black Hoof!" The guard finished and stepped back into his regular position.

At the name Black Hoof Celestia appeared to perk up, and began tapping her hooves together. Luna obviously surprised by her sister’s sudden change in mood was deeply confused.

"Sister may I ask you a question?"

"Sure!" Celestia replied not taking her eyes off the door.

"Who is Black Hoo...."

Her question was interrupted as the large wooden doors were flung open revealing a black unicorn colt wielding what appeared to be a crossbow. Before Luna's mind could finish processing the sudden turn of events the colt took aim and fired. Scoring a direct hit between Celestia's eyes.

"What the buck?!" Luna shouted as her mind finally caught up to scene unfolding before her.

Celestia's lifeless body slumped over before eventually falling onto the floor, blood trickling from the apparently lethal wound.

"What have you done!?" Luna shrieked a layer of black clouds beginning to form on the ceiling as she rose from the floor. "Speak or I shall cut you down here."

The black colt remained unfazed and continued to stare at the lifeless body. Almost as if certain death did not stand before him. "One moment please." He said calmly

Luna prepared to attack, she'd show this murder no mercy, she'd cut him down and drag his soul into the darkest void herself.

"Celestia dammit" The colt muttered "I thought I got you that time."

Luna angry quickly changed into confusion "What do you mean? you've succeed in killing Celestia princess of Equestria is that not what you set out to do."

"Yes, yet it is." The colt said matter-of-factly "But as usual I failed." a hint of sadness in his voice

"Ah, don't be so hard on yourself. I commend you on going back to the basics." came a familiar sweet voice.

"What?!" The now confused Lunar Princess blurted out before turning to see the source of the voice. To her deep and utter shock the source was none other than Celestia, arrow still sticking out over her forehead.

The colt laughed "I thought you'd be upset. I've been gone for several months and all I could find was a crossbow."

What?! Luna mentally shouted still trying to find any thread of sanity in what had just occurred.

"These things happen." Celestia said reassuringly as she pulled the arrow from her forehead. It was only now that Celestia noticed her sister hovering in the center of the room, eyes glowing and storm clouds raging above her.

"Luna get down from there! You look ridiculous."

Luna dropped back to the floor still uncertain of anything happening around her, but she was determined to find out.

"Why are you conversing with an assassin as if he were an old friend?!" She shouted

"Black Hoof is not an assassin, he's an old student." Celestia said cheerfully as she placed a wing over the colt. "He comes around every now and again to practice some experiments and tell me about his travels."

"Not an assassin? Are you crazy?! He just waltzed in and shot you!"

"So? What's a crossbow bolt between friends? Luna my dear sister, if Black Hoof was truly an assassin do you think the guards would have just sat there and done nothing?"

That's true Luna told herself The guards didn't even flinch when he fired and remained calm even after she was killed

"I suppose you're right" Luna said with an awkward smile

Celestia laughed "Aren't I always? Besides you off all creatures should know we are immortal and not that flimsy immortal unless they cut our head off, or burn our bones in salt. We are completely and utterly unkillable."

"That's the one thing I hate about you." The colt retorted with an added grin

Luna was beginning to calm down, but was still quite confused as to what had just occurred she could accept that the colt was not an assassin as it was in fact almost common knowledge that they were Immortal so he'd be an utter fool to try anything. However one thing continued to nag at her, Celestia had called him a student of hers. What kind of student shoots his teacher with a crossbow as a greeting?

"Now at this point you're probably wonder why Princess Celestia said I was a student of hers." The colt said approaching the Luna before bowing.

Oh he's good Luna told herself

"I wasn't a student of hers to be correct; I was one of many students who attended Celestia School for gifted unicorns. Though this was not through any special talent with magic, in fact the only reason I attended was that it was the only school option I had available, as both my parents worked in the castle."

"So, you're a unicorn who wasn't good at magic yet attended the most prestigious magic school in Equestria?"

Black Hoof nodded in the affirmative

"Maybe it’d be better if I explained instead." Celestia said cheerfully before approaching the two ponies

"Good luck explaining this one." Luna said sarcasm thick in her voice.

"It'll be better if I explain how Black Hoof was enrolled in my school to begin with. True, Black hoof had almost no special abilities magic wise, in fact his magical capabilities played almost no role in him becoming a student, if it weren't for his parent working in the castle I don't believe he would have gained any form of education."

"And why would that be?" Luna asked her curiosity now thoroughly peaked.

"You see Black Hoofs parents, were decedents of some the castle original staff members and it had always been their family tradition to continue working within the castle. However, his parents wanted to break this unwritten tradition and give their child a different life. Their only problem was a lack of funding, sure within Equestria free education is almost guaranteed however the only free school within Canterlot rests at the edge of the city, too far for a young colt to walk."

"So you had him enrolled here?"

"Well sort of, originally I offered to pay for his schooling myself as a way to say thank you. But Black Hoof's father was a stubborn mule; he said it wouldn't be right if he didn't earn the bits himself."

"So what did you do?"

"Simple, I made a few changes to teachings within my school for gifted unicorns and offered Black Hoof's family a full paid scholarship for their continued assistance within the castle. Once he was enrolled I had a private tutor teach him the basics taught in most schools and some special lessons to see if we could help out his magical abilities."

"And if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be standing here today." Black Hoof said with a triumphant laugh and striking a pose with his crossbow.

"So you wouldn't be barging into the throne room and attempting to assassinate us? I can hardly see how that would be a bad thing."

Black Hoof leaned his crossbow against the throne and moved back towards the two alicorns.

"I'll have you know that I wasn't attempting to assassinate anyone, I was just doing my job!" he said firmly

"Your Job?!" Luna scoffed "How is shooting at us your job?"

"Shooting at you isn't my job, shooting Princess Celestia however is." He finished and turned his flank towards Luna "See?" he said point to his cutie mark "It's my job!"

Luna stared at the mark before finally figuring out what it was and when she realized it completely stunned her. Instead of the regularly Cutie marks any pony would have. Black Hoofs was indeed quite unique for on his flank rested the image of none other than her sister Princess Celestia. However something was quite wrong with this image, instead of her normal cheerful smile. Image was quite morbid instead of eyes the picture had two little X's and instead of a smile her tongue lay flopped outside of her mouth. It was extremely obvious that the Celestia in the image was dead.

"So your special talent is dead Celestia?" Luna paused and tried to comprehend the weirdness of this Cutie mark. "I've seen some pretty weird Cutie marks in my time, but this one takes the cake. What does it even mean?"

Black Hoof sighed these were typical questions he received when anypony saw his cutie mark. That was the key reason he usually wore a cloak so that nopony would be able to see it and he could avoid unnecessary questions. However this was Celestia's sister and for her he'd gladly explain.

"Well you see Princess Luna my special Talent isn't for "Dead Celestia" as you put it, though that is part of it. No my special talent is for killing Princess Celestia, something we've all learned is quite a hard life goal to accomplish."

For obvious reason Luna was skeptical A Cutie mark for killing someone? That's stupid she told herself. She looked back up at the two ponies; Celestia seemed to care about him quite a bit and doesn't seem to be lying. If his story is true why out of ever creature in Equestria would it before for killing her?

"How did you come about gaining a Cutie Mark for such a horrendous talent?"

Celestia and Black Hoof laughed in unison "It's funny because it's such a simple story."

Wavy special flashback effects

Canterlot Castle 10 Years ago

Black Hoof galloped through the castle's marble halls his hoof-steps echoing throughout the castle, alerting all ahead of his approach. He had been told many times before not to run through the halls but that had never stopped him, least of all today. For today was a special day, today was the day Princess Celestia herself had promised to help him study in the library.

Black Hoof finally arrived at the large intimidating door to the castle library, a place he had tried to avoid all his life. However today this place was the only place he wanted to be. Using all of his adorable might he forced the wooden doors open, revealing his prize.

"Welcome my little pony." the Sun goddess spoke

"HiPrincessCelestiaAreyouexcitedcuzImexcited!" the colt shouted completely oblivious to the volume of his voice.

Celestia chuckled "Yes Black Hoof I'm excited as well. Do you have everything ready for your project?"

The small black colt nodded and began to pull the necessary books from his saddle bag.

"I brought crayons and some paper."

"Could you please refresh my memory as to what your project was?"

"Oh" Black Hoof said with a giggle as he put the crayons back down "Miss Blossomforth wanted us to find a picture of one of Equestria's original flags."

"Oh yes, now I remember. I guess we should begin looking for a history book, if we wish to find a proper picture."

Black Hoof groaned "Couldn't you just tell me what they looked like? I mean you're Ol.."

Black Hoof was interrupted as Celestia leaned in closer and placed a hoof on his mouth.

"There is no need to finish that sentence" she said removing the hoof.

"Ooool"

"Don't do it"

"oolllll"

"Don't say it"

"Old"

Celestia winced I don't like that word she turned her gaze back to the foal in front of her.

"I could tell you what it looked like but that wouldn't be fair to the other students."

"Don't worry, I won't tell them" Black said innocently.

Celestia let out an innocent laugh "That's very kind of you, but how about we look for a book. If I remember correctly they should be on one of those shelves" she finished point to a row of seven shelves. The two ponies trotted over to the shelf and began searching the first for any sign of the needed book.

Celestia sighed "If we do it this way, we’ll be here for the next thousand years. I've got a better Idea you begin searching the second shelf, I'll search the last and we'll meet up in the middle?"

"Okay Princess!" the young colt shouted before bolting through the lower rows and began his search.

Feeling triumphant she moved to the last row and began scanning the shelf. Sadly she could find no sign of any history box and moved her search to the next row. I wonder if Blacks made any progress? she asked herself, A question that was about to be answered.

"Equestria's Big Book of Flags" Black Hoof read aloud staring at the large book perched atop the highest shelf. However instead of doing the logical thing and fetching the Princess he began his epic accent. Sadly the mountain wasn't stable and eventually began to shake. The last thing Celestia saw was a torrent of books raining down from the heavens as the domino effect took control of the shelves.

I'm soooooo grounded Black Hoof told himself as he stared at the white hoof sticking out from under the large wooden bookshelf

Unwavy effects

Present Day Equestria

"So you're telling me you got your Cutie Mark for accidentally knocking some bookshelves over?" Luna asked quite skeptical to the nature of this story. However a quick nod from Celestia assured her of its integrity.

"Yep!" Black Hoof said happily "After Princess Celestia woke back up, she looked somewhat mad but then she saw that I had gotten my Cutie Mark for apparently killing her, then she only looked confused."

"So your only way of fulfilling your talent is to kill Celestia, yet you can't because she can't possibly die. So how exactly do you cope with that?"

Celestia laughed "Well my dear sister after we figured out what his Cutie Mark meant I felt kind of bad for him. His special talent was something he could never complete, so after making a few laws I've made assassination against us completely legal. In fact it's considered a service to Equestria and "Successful" attempts are rewarded with a quite a few bits"

"Wait, wait, wait!" Luna shouted "You mean we are paying ponies to try and kill us? How does anypony benefit from this?"

"I benefit from this" Black said raising a hoof in the air.

"Surprisingly Black Hoof is the only pony we've ever had to attempt an assassination, let alone succeed. Anyways I think it's nice it keeps us on our hooves in case anything unexpected happens. In fact you should see some of the older attempts he's made."

Black Hoof laughed "Do you remember the catapult?"

Celestia stifled a giggle "How could I forget, I was in the middle of a meeting with the seven dragon lords."

"What catapult?" asked the puzzled Luna

"Black Hoof got this bright Idea that if he could kill me when I couldn't see him I would be unable to return to life. So instead of doing the sane thing, and hitting me from behind or getting me in my sleep. He built a catapult outside of Canterlot's borders and during one of my scheduled meetings he fired a flaming boulder directly at the castle. Then he realized and obvious fact, he had no way of telling if he hit me. So what do you think he did?"

"I don't know, checked?"

Black Hoof let out a nervous chuckle "You're somewhat correct, I did check but I didn't walk to the castle. Instead I climbed into the seat and fired myself directly at the castle. I quickly learned that the rock didn't hit her, but at least I did. Though poor dragons had no idea what was going on."

"You know I feel we've gotten off topic" Celestia said with an awkward smile "Why exactly did you come back after such a long absence surly you have a request or some news?"

Black Hoof shook his head "Can't an old friend stop by every now and again? Also I needed some bits, and I was planning to visit my parents for a bit see how they're doing."

"Of course visit an old friend." Celestia said sarcastically. "Talk to the guards about your regular payment." As Black Hoof turned to begin his journey home he was stopped as a golden glow surrounded him and began pulling him back towards Celestia who wrap a wing around him. "Next time you're gone that long, send me a letter."

Black Hoof nodded and gave her a sly grin "Don't worry I'll be in Canterlot for a few more months at least, so you'll see me soon enough." With that Black Hoof was off.

Soon the Main hall had once again become silent as the Morning court ended. Leaving Celestia and Luna alone once again. Though now they had much to discuss they talked for several hours about Black Hoof and many of Celestia other "Unique" students and as they continued to talk Luna began to understand what her sister had done for those thousand years in her absence. She had looked for comfort from her subjects and she had found it in her students, a few ponies who could truly see her as more than just a Princess, something Luna hoped one day she could experience to.

It should also be noted that when Luna woke up the next morning, her sheets were drenched in her own blood and several Knives lay scattered across the room. Needless to say Luna wasn't amused and quickly changed the laws on assassination so that it excluded her. However laws were something Black Hoof didn't seem to understand and Luna had gained a large target on her back, a target that seemed to attract very sharp objects.

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