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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Dialogue in italics?
1297861
Dialogue and thoughts in italics, yes. Why?
1297881 I don't know, never seen anything written in that style before. It's odd
1297885
Well, i had to start with some style. I'll wait for further feedback until I go and undo italics from the dialogues. It's not that of an eyesore, is it?
1297930 Well, it made me think 'Is this supposed to be a dream?'
Italics are typically reserved for thoughts
1297942
In that case... And done! italics in dialogues are gone. Thinking outside of the box might scare away people in that case... I don't want that. Thanks for the start-up aid.
1298064 No problem!
Not Bad. More Please!
1299252
Don't worry, more is already on it's way. What did you like the most?
good begin mister i need more or you are going to be in a big baaag
1300516
You think? it's my first story...
Have to say that this story show quite a lot a story. Seems like you clearly have a plot thought out, character seems thought out and the story well written well and correctly as well. Looking forward to reading future chapters! *Favs and thumb ups*
Liked and faved.
Not sure what is going on at the moment but I don't care.
This guy has swag going in every direction.Nice work! Love the part when he tries to help derpy!
It's a bit harder to read dialogue when multiple speakers are in the same paragraph. I recommend reading this:
When to Make a New Paragraph
Frankly, I'm surprised no one has mentioned this yet. The part of the prophecy in alicorn language looked similar to the dragon language from The Elder Scrolls. Especially Skyrim. I saw some words from the song of the dragonborn in there!
Work on pacing.
That is all.
I like it but it paced a little too fast
Uh... Uhh...
Dafuq, dude? Did you read your story at all? Did any of the dialog sound natural to you? Do any of the assumptions made by the characters make sense to you? 'Cause the dialog is stiff and unnatural to me and the characters are making overly detailed assumptions based on almost zero information.
The pacing is too fast, by which I mean every action is communicated tersely. Reading about long, involved actions, like making the Rainbow Gem, takes as long as short, swift actions.
The pacing is too fast, by which I mean you're moving the plot too quickly. Tyler accepted his situation too quickly, Rainbow trusted him too easily, Derpy was completely unnecessary, Fluttershy should still be frightened by him, and the meat issue shouldn't already be "solved". Everything that's happened here should be spread out into at least four chapters.
I can't say anything about later chapters yet, but by judging this chapter, this isn't a work of written fiction, it's a written "eye witness account" of a finger puppet show, a bad one. I'm telling you this because you really, really, REALLY need to revise your writing. I'm somewhat interested in your story, but reading this chapter was extremely unpleasant and it bordered on being physically painful.
Wut?
I'm with the others here. Unless this guy is a lunatic or used to hallucinations, I doubt he would react that way.
It is far too fast paced and most everyone is OOC. The beginning was great and nearly perfect, (especially the song. Is it bad if I sung it out loud to the skyrim tune?) but when Tyler entered Equestria, it was kind of a 'Oh hey, a talking horse! Nothing wrong here! I'll go meet her friends!' Instead of 'Dafuq? a talking horse? What kind of mushrooms did I put into my stew last night?' Also, Fluttershy would probably think of him as an animal and warm up to him immediately, probably attempting to patch him up, instead of seeing him as a stallion-like thing. Plus, I doubt Rainbow Dash would be so inherently trusting of him.
Then again, this is all my opinions.
Have to agree with the people who commented about the pacing and the weird dialogue
I want to make a Skyrim reference... but I just can't
Spike looked extremely happy at the utterance of this sentence.
"Sure Twilight I would lo-" Twilight cut him off.
"PSYCH MOTHERBUCKER!"
She then poofed about 200,000,000,000,000 tons of books and papers on his baby dragon form.
"Do all that work for me while I laze around and do nothing." She said.
Spike, having survive the offloading of 'paperweight', started to cry.
"W-w-why-" He was cut off again.
"I can get away with this because I am a woman." Twilight said. Her logic was sound.
Twilight then used her magic to rip the testicles from Spikes body.
"You can have these back when your done."
2727447 best comment i have ever read
The Skyrim cop-offs! They hurt!
well, if nothing else you have an interesting picture for the story.
Now to read it!
2399786
You're right, especially about the meat. While I know there are plants that can provide sufficient protein, I don't remember them and I doubt most people who aren't vegetarians will know them. Which means he needs meat. You don't just cut out pretty much the most pivotal part of your entire diet just because it makes your new acquaintances uncomfortable. If they don't like it, too bad, you gotta eat to live. Also, humans can eat non-poisonous fungi, so that should help him a bit if he becomes bored with fruits and vegetables. Plus, as stated, he needs meat or his muscles will deteriorate and he will not even have enough energy to stand. Large amounts of eggs at least twice a week should help, but even then...
By the way, humans are animals. Beasts are non-sapient animals.
Although, I don't really have a problem with the dialogue. I do, however, agree about the pacing. It kinda feels like jumping scenes. The finger puppet show example does actually feel kinda accurate, except it isn't really that bad of one, in my opinion.
Interesting story and developing character... onward to the next chapter!
Adding my two cents... yet again... like I always do on comments?
I don't feel this is too fast paced, I have read worse, infact It is decently paced, just like every average cinema movie would be (iron man, avangers, take your pick).
Acceptance of humans to their current circumstances depends on what type of person they are. He seems to be more or less a survival/nature type of guy, less fixated on philosophical hypotheses, and more concerned about the practical side of his situation (Bear Grylls says hi, survival FTW).
If a ball rolls around a corner, some poeple get suspicious and investigate, others kick the ball away, while at least one party remains ignorant and mind their own business.
Besides he did NOT accept the situation instantly, he held up a knife, thought about being on a trip, and was convincing himself that RD was just a puppet/robot. He even tried to call out the guys beyond the camera for getting him fooled, though this caused no reaction. After touching RD, feeling her body warmth, unmistakebly natural coat and mane, he just had to accept that she was there. I mean what should he do? Argue more about her being unreal? Stab her with the knife, after she showed him no harmful intentions?
As I said this guy seems a practical one, while other poeple may have different reactions... hell just watch 2 episodes of "LOST" and you get my point.
Personally I enjoyed this chapter, so please keep up the good work and don't let yourself get discouraged.
Ah, Skyrim.
That awesome and totally weird moment when you find a HiE fic with the human having the same personality as you .... and also the same name!
After reading that song about dragons I just wanted to yell out: FUS RO DAH!!
Are you fucking kidding me. Spike walks on two legs. Spike. The One she is talking to right now.
This clearly had no thought out into it.
3971409 well, she said "nopony". No "pony" (exept for Lyra) walks like a biped. I would imagine it being quite awkward and painfull for a horse to make a living while distributing all body weight to the two back legs they have. That would be just weird....
2727447 Ummmmmm LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL my response should be sufficient.
>Fluttershy shuddered, still not comfortable with the concept
i.imgur.com/ygDuRSW.gif
~Have a good one.
One could still get meat (maybe) I have yet to see a human ask shy if he could have the body's of the animals after they Die if it was ok with them before hand as well as the family of said dead. This way nothing went to waste
Like it but i thought that rainbow was more difficult to get to trust you
My only real problem is Fluttershy's reaction to eating meat. She has a pet BEAR, after all. And a grizzly no less, by the looks of it. No way would she be horrified by the concept of carnivorism. In fact, I'd go as far as to say she's as desensitized to it as much as someone who lived in the Griffon lands for most of their life.
I just realized that in almost every HiE, ponies don't know what hands are... don't they have monkeys and or apes in or at least near Equestria? If they do, what do they call their hands? Paws? Anyways good so far, gonna keep on reading.
Wow, ponies are such arsenoles. So much for friendship is magic
The whole tome Skyrim mega-reference was pretty cringeworthy in my opinion, but props for doing it.
Re-reading this story for the 5th time and still find it cringe-worthy due to the weird spacing of dialogue. Perhaps you should revise one more time? ...I mean. if that's okay with you...
And each finger's growth is controlled by the sonic hedgehog gene (real thing) the same gene that grows your wings bones.
This has been biology 101 with zemez the god of void.
Four and a thumb, not five.Know what? I give up. I've done this way too many times and it will never change.Aww, you had the perfect MMC moment there, and you let it slip away? Shame on you.
*Raises eyebrow* Nice Skyrim reference.
*Eye starts twitching* I swear to Luna, if this turns into some kind of Skyrim crossover...
Ten Hours Later
Right, this story is not a Skyrim crossover, thank Luna. Nothing wrong with Skyrim, really, but one can only take so many Dovahshy references before they get thoroughly disenchanted with the idea.
This story plot and a lot of the ideas you've got here are very good, but the way the story rushes things and jumps around like Pinkie after ingesting coffee makes it difficult to want to continue reading. If I wasn't so curious about where you're taking this rodeo, I'd probably just move onto some of your later stories. If you like, I'll give you a review of the story after I finish reading it, but if it continues like it is after the chapters I've read, you probably won't like the review, fair warning.
Now excuse me while I pass out on my keyboard. So tired... *Thud*
You have my attention!
Wat.
This is strange.