- Member Since 6th Sep, 2016
- offline last seen March 15th
Pepper_2
I am a new Writer and also into a lot of different types of stories both dark and light I am also Bisexual and love making new Friends.
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Oh my... Poor Fluttershy. I hope she survives.
Not the baddest fic but the narrative is too crumpled and there are not enough details. Don't be so hurry and don't be afraid of describe character's feelings and their thoughts instead of a dialogue with themeself.
But the idea is pretty good despite a little cliche. I will be waiting for a new chapter
And yes, flutterdash forever
11279989
Thank you. Finally, someone offered me some constructive Criticism instead of disliking the story and moving on, I know I am not the best writer, but I will take your words into thought and try and improve. Thank you for sharing something that may help me better my Writing capabilities. I agree. I do have a ways to go to Improve, but I am trying to, I assure you.
I don't have a problem with this story on a high level (i.e. with the shipping and/or fetishes), but the implementation is flawed. Firstly, your pacing is way too fast, relying on exposition dumping to move things along and get your inciting incident over with in 1k words. As for the plot itself, it feels a bit contrived and has some unnecessary and, in my opinion, detrimental details. Why does Fluttershy have to go into the Everfree Forest to get food for Angel? And why did you feel the need to have Fluttershy be mauled by wolves? You could have accomplished the same thing without so much violence. Lastly, you had a noticeable amount of mechanical errors (spelling, grammar, punctuation). They weren't prevalent enough to keep me from reading, but stuff like that is really something you need to iron out before putting your story out there.
11282183
Thank you for the information. I hope to improve on most of what you and Fluffy said in the next chapter. I thank you for trying to give me the advice to help me Improve. I hope to iron out most of the flaws in the next chapter, so thank you for being patient with me. I am trying, and I do hope to improve in the future.
Well, since you are asking for feedback...
There are some grammar issues, such as not putting dialogue from different characters into different paragraphs. Paragraphs that cover more then one thing and should probably be split up. Random capitalized words in the middle of sentences. But all of that is stuff you'll get better at if you keep reading and writing enough (and like, paying attention while you do so).
But beyond that...there's also a lot of 'telling' in this story.
Ideally, this is the kind of thing you don't want to skip over. You want to show us this conversation, have us see what they say, see how the act and react, so we feel it when they get closer. Don't skip over this stuff, this is what your story is about!
It's not like you have to show us every bit of every conversation, but getting a sense for when write out dialogue and when to skip over things is important. In this chapter, for example, the characters have more dialogue with Redheart then with each other. Even if you say the two pegasus talked to each other a lot, we don't get to see that.
Good to see that Fluttershy survived. And it's good to know that Dashie will stay with her until she gets better. Besties gotta stick together after all, and someone like Dashie knows best.
Regarding criticism, to be honest, there are several capital errors, so are punctuation errors, but overall, the plot is great. Can't wait to see what's next.
11296749
Thank you for the Feedback. I will try to add that to the next chapter. Though I am not the best writer, I am trying my best to improve. I will try addressing the issues you stated in the next chapter. I will keep trying to improve. Though I sort of like writing, I also do a lot of role-playing, which is like writing in a sense that kind of inspired my creativity anyway. Thank you, Clean, for the feedback. I will try and address these issues in the next chapter.
11296822
Thank you glad you're enjoying the story even though my grammar is still a work in progress.
I see the improvement, the content being shown is a lot more focused on where it needs to be. 👍
For punctuation, there's online tools like Grammerly which can help. They're not 100% accurate but anything they can catch is worth fixing.
Other then that...the actual dialogue is a bit off in my opinion. Choosing the right words so the characters sound like themselves is pretty tough. You could always try saying the dialogue out loud to get a better feel for it, but that relies on your ability to sense when something is spoken wrong, so it may not work for everyone. Otherwise, study how the character speaks in the show and try to emulate some of those same patterns. It's tough.
11304929
Thank you for the comment. I am glad that I have shown some improvement. As for the dialogue issue, I will try to see what I can do to fix that but thank you for your advice, and I hope you're enjoying the story so far. I will hopefully continue improving in the next chapter.
You definetly improved, mate. Still not perfect, but you're getting there.
Great chapter. I cannot wait to see what's next. I just hope that Fluttershy will be freed from these repetitive nightmares any day soon...
11305257
Thanks for your comment and glad your still enjoying the story.