- Member Since 17th Mar, 2018
- offline last seen Dec 2nd, 2023
Azvameth Rose
25 years old, not much left to say. I can say that I love to write and draw. And I hope everyone enjoys the stories I have to tell.
Azvameth Rose
Joined 17th Mar, 2018 ·
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you forgot to add learn how to deal with the suspect tsundere mare that you fought against that has it out for you.
on another note, troll celestia is the best celestia.
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I will keep that in mind. Thank you for the heads up.
And she is pretty much a troll 24/7, which makes me question how she can be bad at acting. It might be a stage fright sort of thing or something of the sort.
Hmm... Let me offer a brief summary of how I have perceived this.
Tons of potential, but I strongly suspect you are not used to writing something serious, if this is not your first attempt in the first place. It personally took me months before I really started to refine my own writing, so I know you can get much better than you may even realize, if you put in the time and effort.
General presentation feels very rough and stiff. Like a slide made of gravel and sandpaper. Most of the nuances in the circumstances presented are unrealistic at best, and nonsensical improbabilities at worst.
Silver displayed a horrendous amount of insubordination and disrespect to the one that is her revered ruler and top commanding officer. Utter contempt and disregard for her captive is not out of place, assuming that is part of her character and unspoken motivation, but manner it is presented is inconsistent and jerks the reader around like a rickety roller coaster cart. She appears to prefer simply killing him and dumping his carcass in the garbage for merely existing. The type and level of disdain she displays leaves no other real impression.
The arena thing feels completely random and makes no sense without some specific motivation to make Silver even consider that a good option for a complete unknown entity that not only caught them by surprise by appearing where they thought they were defended, but also arriving unconscious and displaying obvious signs of being seriously ill. That is not even dealing with why he was placed in the dungeon, rather than a hospital under heavy guard, as someone vomiting a strange foreign substance, and effectively in a coma, is about as threatening as a potted plant.
I will digress regarding the rest.
Despite all that, you do have potential here. Also, your grammar and spelling were not generally incorrect, which is already a broad step above what some stories get posted with. There are subtle hints of something better hidden in there.
While it is hard to discern much of each character's personality outside of 'they are/think/feel X' that is given with all the nuance of a falling boulder, the quotes give hints of depth and personality. Hints of Celestia's private burdens could come out more smoothly, but there is much to build on, if you carry forward.
I encourage you to take the time to contrast how your favorite authors implement sentences and present concepts and character personalities.
FimFiction has a writing guide in the Help drop-down menu that might help you refine how you present things.
You might also learn a lot by exploring https://tvtropes.org, as learning how the different conceptual pieces that make up any story play together can really open up how you keep aware of what you are doing.
Anything meaningful that is worth having will require effort to achieve, such as good writing.
Take time to grow and practice if you really enjoy the art of creative writing.
It takes real work and dedication to do.
Talent means nothing if you have lack the experience with which to exercise it.
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This has to be one of the most constructive comments I've received.
Thank you very much for your tips and feedback. I am an amateur writing. I've been around here for some time now. And I've been trying to improve by making different types of stories.
As much as I love to make it more serious, I can say that I'm slightly afraid of doing so. I tried once to make a HUGE (from my perspective as my first shot) serious original story with an original world and set-up. But, from the few people that read that story, I was told that I forced it too much. And that story was a complete flop (lack of feedback and negativity).
So, thanks for the positive remarks. And I will try to make it better. I have reasons for some of the things that happened to the character in these chapters. But, I can't tell them because of the perspective from which the story is being told. I intend to make the reasons clear and I believe that, at least a little, they can ground the events and make them less, impossible they came out to be.
Again, thank you very much for the feedback.
This is going to be a good story, I can tell!
How old is this guy supposed to be, because he acts like a scared 9 year old girl... its gross.
10579733
I am glad my simple observations were beneficial to you.
Fanfiction of any sort is a nice shortcut to testing the writing waters where interested people will give it a shot more often than not. Personally, I would even go so far to say start where you know you have a high chance of feedback, while the additional restriction of properly representing established characters/worlds can force you to adapt to a framework and build from there, which can in turn force you to think in ways you would not otherwise have considered in order to remain true to an established setting as you add your own pieces to the mix.
If you want to grow, take time to review this story, my suggestions, and how your characters act in contrast to real people. Engaging characters are believable, as if they were real people you could actually meet. Even psychopaths, sociopaths, and schizophrenics have their own demented logic and reason for acting like they do. Also consider what kinds of individuals/traits fit or fail in things like military service, as someone with involuntary twitches would be an irrational military member, outside of a role like a civilian auxiliary running messages, as the split second changes of combat would make such individuals an unacceptable risk, if not to themselves then certainly to their squadmates. A story I read recently was carrying a strange tension but worked until near the end, when that very thing came up and my immersion was utterly destroyed because it was insane for any rational military command to permit such individuals to be scouting discretely, let alone anything else.
In addition, I would also encourage you to spend time studying human interaction. The better you understand how people function and interact, the better you can express characters in a story, complete with idiosyncrasies and quirks. Books like How to Win Friends & Influence People, Entreleadership, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and others, can revolutionize your writing level. The fact it will likely revolutionize how well you get along with people in your own life is a major point in favor as well. And spending time studying the nuances of the major people, and their often messy life stories, found in the Bible will make you look at the world with fresh eyes when you begin to understand what motivated them. Regardless of one's view of it, the Bible stands as the single most influential book in human history, and it pays to spend some time learning why. My own studies have demonstrated we get told a lot of lies about it, but I digress.
And if you can, I also highly recommend getting a person or two to read your chapters prior to posting so you can do some editing with their feedback. Even one chapter doing this can do a lot to improve your implementation and what your eyes will catch. Short of that, my own experience with writing solo said finishing a chapter, then reviewing it to at least clean up or reword things can often improve things prior to post. I have not had time to write for a while now, but lessons learned by smashing your head against a wall are not easily lost.
The hardest part of the story is the start, because it sets up everything to follow.
I wish you luck.
I don't how to feel about this story. I mean the story itself is fine it's just the characters are iffy. Most of the ponies seem like douchebags and Arthur... well for lack of a better word he's a bitch, he's a spineless submissive bitch. That's the only things i can think to describe him.
Do any of you guys proofread and edit cause I need and editor to proofread a chapter of a story I’m doing please?
10582666
If you need a proof-reader and/or editor, look for the group Looking for Editors on this site. They let you create a tread that makes it easier said to find someone.
10583493
Thanks wait can you show me how to do that?
10583654
I haven't used the thread feature. But that's because I'm an idiot. They have a manual on how to do this on their page though.