The part about there being only a thousand or so ponies seems odd. Considering the number of towns and cities on the official map, including four that appear to have some number of skyscrapers, I'd think hundreds of thousands or even millions would be more accurate.
1329289 Look man, I'm in no mood for an argument. When people write things like "Let us fuck." It means, 'That's some fast cliche romance, bro.' It's not meant as an insult. And I know it's only the second day, So it doesn't matter if there are already three chapters. I don't see why I should get over myself or whatever else you might say, I was just spewing my opinion. Here's a tip from me, don't take anyone's comment as being mean, unless they are deliberately trying to be rude. Go back and read my comment like I'm one of your close friends. I treat everyone like a pal over the web, alright? Sorry if I caused any confusion or anything and I really do like the story if it helps.
I'm a laid back guy, so I don't mean to seem rude or anything. For instance, this is being written via mobile and the custom wallpaper for my keyboard is Joseph DeCreaux. (Not sure you spell his last name.) Writing all this is the biggest challenge ever.
Dang, getting with Lyra is pretty easy. Too bad the whole magic thing seems to be problem for interaction between them. Is either side going to be aware of what ig going on between them? Would like to see a shocked Bon Bon, or a friend of Jason going' What the bloody hell mate! She's a horse!' or something like that. Either way fun story, and I want some MOAR!
I'm going to echo GuyFace's comment. "with each chapter longer than many HiE fics" is not really a justification of why your story isn't going to become horrible. If you're simply comparing yourself against the worst of the genre then "less than horrible," isn't really a vote of confidence. That said I'm loving the characterization, background, plot and the minor 'twist' so far but it does seem like you're rushing it.
There's more to the flow of a story than just length after all. It's pacing each individual part that matters and I feel that neither character has really justified it at this point. You're getting a follow from me but I'll hold off on voting either way yet, this could end up being really good or a total train wreck.
1331262 I wasn't defending the quality, I was corrected the 'Hi, I'm human, let's fuck' bit. Especially since there's been not even a single reference to them even doing that except for the fact that it's rated 'mature'. It might turn out to be horrible, but one thing it will not become is 'hi let's fuck'.
Ah, well I apologize for misreading your comment then. Honestly if you're going to have a fairly 'mature' relationship in this story doesn't matter to me one iota as long as it's well done. I felt that it just seems they're moving along faster than is realistically believable given how you have set things up.
It's not the fucking! As GuyFace said it's the unbelievable fast romance that's usually a giant flashing neon sign that says, "Things turning to shit up ahead." It's not that you can't do a fast romance good it's just that it's usually a big time warning that quality is going to suffer and if no one else is worried about it then I am at least .
You've got a hell of a good start on two genre's that are usually overdone and static as hell. I'm more than happy to trust where you're going with things but I'm also voicing my worries. I like what you've done so far, so I'm invested enough to see where you're taking it and worry about it being as good as you can. Celestia knows we need more good HiE fics.
edit: Hmmm, could it be that we're all just talking past each other?
Okay, I know I said I'd wait to read the newer stuff, but this series looked interesting. Love the concept, as it actually provides a reasonable explanation for the HiE type interaction unlike any others I've heard of (Though dimensional portals are always a win for me). While I'm not normally a Lyra fan (not really sure why though), this portrayal of her was quite possibly the single most adorable thing I've ever read.
Unfortunately, I can't help but ever so slightly agree with the "rushed" aspect that others have spoken of. While it is clearly not as rushed as most, the fact that it is even slightly unrealistically rushed clashes (at least for me) with how well written the rest is. The reasonable explanation for the event, the wonder and confusion Lyra shows at the unfamiliar world, and any other factor leading to it's sense of "reality" are diminished by the simple fact that it moves just a hair too quickly. Granted, I might not have noticed as much if it wasn't for someone else pointing it out, but it is there nonetheless.
I would have never thought I would have any critiques when it came to your stories, and maybe I'm just in a critical mood today (it's rare, but it happens), but I felt like maybe I should say something. Regardless, it is definitely an enjoyable series, and I look forward to future chapters, should they be forthcoming. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go resurrect the part of me that died a little inside when I decided to give a critique.
1343385 Fair enough, though I'll likely not find anything I feel is in need of critique again, as your writing has only become better over the years I've been following you, and this was the first thing I've found that warranted it On a side note, thanks for being able to take critique. I have the displeasure of knowing a few people who are less than open to hearing that their work could possibly have a flaw in it My only hope is that, when I finally get around to writing any of the ideas I have, I'll be able to do so with even a fraction of the skill you show. Should probably start on that soon, seeing as how if I don't, I'll just keep forgetting. So many other shiny internet stuffs to distract me though
As an editor if I had a dollar for every time I have heard "Give it to me as straight as you can, I can take it," and then they proceed to throw a temper tantrum or act like a spoiled 5 year old when I point out even the smallest of flaws...well I'd be one rich bastard.
Omg people! I know you'r impatient because you like this, but i've been following AnonPeg here for longer than FiM has been around, and A) i suspect he'll find it more annoying than you intend, and B) it wont make the next chapter come any sooner
1403972 well i guess it's a good thing i don't speak for you, eh? XD maybe i got you confused with another author on SF, but i swear you posted a journal at some point saying you disliked seeing that over and over again on one of your stories...
eh, either way... i must say, i'm looking forward to the next chapter, myself. it's been rather cute so far :3
1412595 While your point is valid, it's ultimately irrelevant since harps and lyres are very similar. In terms of the story, short of being told otherwise, most humans would probably call it a harp. Then there's the bit on how MLP doesn't exist in this alternate universe, so he doesn't have a reason to know about her in particular. If you go by the wikipedia article, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lyre, there's been a fair amount of variation in lyres as well.
Speaking of alternate universes, if this is alternate universe, why no tag?
Well, you should. It's VERY good. And it's not your typical Human in Equestria story, either. Oh no, it's something different, and dare I say, much better than the typical HiE. I definitely recommend it.
... i see what that human did thar!
giggity lyra is so innocent..... welp im gonna take that humans advice and sleep ... its 1 in the morning here
DAW OVERLOAD
I can't tell if I should feel like he kind of took advantage of her, or if should just say 'D'awwwwwwww'. I'll go with the latter.
The part about there being only a thousand or so ponies seems odd. Considering the number of towns and cities on the official map, including four that appear to have some number of skyscrapers, I'd think hundreds of thousands or even millions would be more accurate.
i.imgur.com/MyBWv.jpg
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/10171352.jpg
sneaky little unicorn i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/312/563/05d.jpg
So I take it that Bon Bon and Lyra aren't a couple in the world this story takes place in?
1319147 Well, it's certain that it's not in the billions.
1319599 Certainly, billions does seem rather unlikely. I just find the thousands figure to be pretty unlikely as well.
D'aaawwww.
Who's as silly unicorn? You are! Yes you are!
1319733
[youtube=84PZbL_-jjU]
Who's a silly pony? You're a silly pony! Who is? You is, Miss Lyra!
So much cuteness at the end
im likeing this . . . . alot
Well, things escalated quickly. Lucky jason.
That's so freaking adorable!
I love this! Keep up the good work!
i22.photobucket.com/albums/b337/lunchb0xromance/Snark/boy-that-escalated-quickly.jpg
Just saying, I still love the story though keep it up!
Silly Lyra is so cute.
This is in no way rushed. Not at all. This has to be the best plot ever... "Hello, I am human. Let us fuck."
1328459 Yes, because three chapters of buildup so far, with each chapter longer than many HiE fics I see, is totally 'rushing it'.
Holy shit mate, get over yourself. There hasn't even been a reference to sex yet! Bloody ignorant.
1329289 Look man, I'm in no mood for an argument. When people write things like "Let us fuck." It means, 'That's some fast cliche romance, bro.' It's not meant as an insult. And I know it's only the second day, So it doesn't matter if there are already three chapters. I don't see why I should get over myself or whatever else you might say, I was just spewing my opinion. Here's a tip from me, don't take anyone's comment as being mean, unless they are deliberately trying to be rude. Go back and read my comment like I'm one of your close friends. I treat everyone like a pal over the web, alright? Sorry if I caused any confusion or anything and I really do like the story if it helps.
I'm a laid back guy, so I don't mean to seem rude or anything. For instance, this is being written via mobile and the custom wallpaper for my keyboard is Joseph DeCreaux. (Not sure you spell his last name.) Writing all this is the biggest challenge ever.
1329400 Well sarcasm and tone of voice don't translate well through text. Your comment just came off as extremely rude. Soz if I was a bit abrasive.
Wrote it off as a waste of time for being a HiE story, was pleasantly surprised. Keep it up!
Dang, getting with Lyra is pretty easy. Too bad the whole magic thing seems to be problem for interaction between them. Is either side going to be aware of what ig going on between them? Would like to see a shocked Bon Bon, or a friend of Jason going' What the bloody hell mate! She's a horse!' or something like that. Either way fun story, and I want some MOAR!
I'm going to echo GuyFace's comment. "with each chapter longer than many HiE fics" is not really a justification of why your story isn't going to become horrible. If you're simply comparing yourself against the worst of the genre then "less than horrible," isn't really a vote of confidence. That said I'm loving the characterization, background, plot and the minor 'twist' so far but it does seem like you're rushing it.
There's more to the flow of a story than just length after all. It's pacing each individual part that matters and I feel that neither character has really justified it at this point. You're getting a follow from me but I'll hold off on voting either way yet, this could end up being really good or a total train wreck.
edit: Clarity.
1331262 I wasn't defending the quality, I was corrected the 'Hi, I'm human, let's fuck' bit. Especially since there's been not even a single reference to them even doing that except for the fact that it's rated 'mature'. It might turn out to be horrible, but one thing it will not become is 'hi let's fuck'.
1331326
Ah, well I apologize for misreading your comment then. Honestly if you're going to have a fairly 'mature' relationship in this story doesn't matter to me one iota as long as it's well done. I felt that it just seems they're moving along faster than is realistically believable given how you have set things up.
It's not the fucking! As GuyFace said it's the unbelievable fast romance that's usually a giant flashing neon sign that says, "Things turning to shit up ahead." It's not that you can't do a fast romance good it's just that it's usually a big time warning that quality is going to suffer and if no one else is worried about it then I am at least .
You've got a hell of a good start on two genre's that are usually overdone and static as hell. I'm more than happy to trust where you're going with things but I'm also voicing my worries. I like what you've done so far, so I'm invested enough to see where you're taking it and worry about it being as good as you can. Celestia knows we need more good HiE fics.
edit: Hmmm, could it be that we're all just talking past each other?
1331833 Someone... Agreed with me. *angelic chorus*
1329664 I actually contemplated writing the exact same first sentence as the one you wrote. In the words of JoojTrooj, "What a coincidence!"
this is soo good need more!
1319207
hollywoodisburning.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/1188471second_scruffy_2_super.jpg
Okay, I know I said I'd wait to read the newer stuff, but this series looked interesting. Love the concept, as it actually provides a reasonable explanation for the HiE type interaction unlike any others I've heard of (Though dimensional portals are always a win for me). While I'm not normally a Lyra fan (not really sure why though), this portrayal of her was quite possibly the single most adorable thing I've ever read.
Unfortunately, I can't help but ever so slightly agree with the "rushed" aspect that others have spoken of. While it is clearly not as rushed as most, the fact that it is even slightly unrealistically rushed clashes (at least for me) with how well written the rest is. The reasonable explanation for the event, the wonder and confusion Lyra shows at the unfamiliar world, and any other factor leading to it's sense of "reality" are diminished by the simple fact that it moves just a hair too quickly. Granted, I might not have noticed as much if it wasn't for someone else pointing it out, but it is there nonetheless.
I would have never thought I would have any critiques when it came to your stories, and maybe I'm just in a critical mood today (it's rare, but it happens), but I felt like maybe I should say something. Regardless, it is definitely an enjoyable series, and I look forward to future chapters, should they be forthcoming.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go resurrect the part of me that died a little inside when I decided to give a critique.
1343345 Dood. Critique all you want
If I only got 'OMG awesome!' comments, I wouldn't know how to improve, would I?
1343385 Fair enough, though I'll likely not find anything I feel is in need of critique again, as your writing has only become better over the years I've been following you, and this was the first thing I've found that warranted it
On a side note, thanks for being able to take critique. I have the displeasure of knowing a few people who are less than open to hearing that their work could possibly have a flaw in it
My only hope is that, when I finally get around to writing any of the ideas I have, I'll be able to do so with even a fraction of the skill you show. Should probably start on that soon, seeing as how if I don't, I'll just keep forgetting. So many other shiny internet stuffs to distract me though
DEAR GOD! I love this story
I HNNNG'd with the force of one million megaton suns during this.
Oh jeez I need my fix!
imageshack.us/a/img268/8579/newchapters.png
Still waiting for next update !
1343456
As an editor if I had a dollar for every time I have heard "Give it to me as straight as you can, I can take it," and then they proceed to throw a temper tantrum or act like a spoiled 5 year old when I point out even the smallest of flaws...well I'd be one rich bastard.
1362716 I like critique. I can't stand criticism.
Moar. Now.
When do you plan to release the next chapter?
Still waiting for a new chapter c'mon update it pwease :3
Omg people! I know you'r impatient because you like this, but i've been following AnonPeg here for longer than FiM has been around, and A) i suspect he'll find it more annoying than you intend, and B) it wont make the next chapter come any sooner
1403834 I actually don't mind x3 it lets me know that people wanna see the next chapter
1403972 well i guess it's a good thing i don't speak for you, eh? XD maybe i got you confused with another author on SF, but i swear you posted a journal at some point saying you disliked seeing that over and over again on one of your stories...
eh, either way... i must say, i'm looking forward to the next chapter, myself. it's been rather cute so far :3
1406124 Could have been me. But it was a story I'd discontinued, or something.
1406183 ah. well then... WRITE MAN! BEFORE THE BRONIES ASSIMILATE YOU!!!!!!!! x3
oops... too late...
1411758 nope O.o
I don't read HiE.
The instrument is a lyre...it's a lyre. Not a harp. There's a difference. It's why she's called Lyra. Because it's a lyre. Not a harp.
Not sure if I like..... Will track to find out.
1412595
While your point is valid, it's ultimately irrelevant since harps and lyres are very similar. In terms of the story, short of being told otherwise, most humans would probably call it a harp. Then there's the bit on how MLP doesn't exist in this alternate universe, so he doesn't have a reason to know about her in particular. If you go by the wikipedia article, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lyre, there's been a fair amount of variation in lyres as well.
Speaking of alternate universes, if this is alternate universe, why no tag?
1411784
Well, you should. It's VERY good. And it's not your typical Human in Equestria story, either. Oh no, it's something different, and dare I say, much better than the typical HiE. I definitely recommend it.
1413616
You're probably right...sometimes I can't help but nitpick at some silly little things.