According to legend, a magical dias tuned to the Elements of Harmony rests in the fabled city of Griffinstone. If the six Bearers stand there during the Summer Solstice, it will summon the spirit of the Guardian of Magic, Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Sunny believes she and her friends are the new Bearers, but they're missing the Element of Honesty. It isn't Sunny, because she hasn't told her friends the real reason she wants to perform the ritual...
An entry in the G5 Bingo Contest, for the random prompts of Sweets, Sugar Moonlight, New Princess, Griffonstone, and Unicorns.
Chapters (5)
I loved this story! It was entertaining but also had me crying by the end. I really enjoyed how the characters were written, and I REALLY appreciated Sprout's role in this!
All hail Princess Hitch, long may he reign!
So which of the three will it be?
That's one down.
GASP! It was Sprout all along! Who could have guessed?
Congratulations, Sprout!
Lovely stuff from start to finish. Great character work, fun use of background ponies, and an excellent emotional climax. (And Izzy's library card is funnier than it has any right to be.) Not sure how to feel about spoiling the reveal in the description, but overall this was a thoroughly enjoyable read. Thank you for it, and best of luck in the judging.
Bingo entires are hard, aren’t they? It shows in how this story’s priorities do not lie whatsoever with its assigned elements. Of those five, only New Princess really factors into the story properly, while the rest are either superficial details (Griffonstone, unicorns), or require subplots totally divorced from the story’s trajectory (Sweets especially, Sugar Moonlight less so).
Otherwise, this story’s so crammed to get under 10K that the prose is nakedly short in a way that leaves most scenes routine, especially as regards dialogue transitions. There were very few moments, honestly, when I wasn’t aware of the rushed nature of the writing. Of course, being a short-form adventure story doesn’t help matters there.
This might all be fine if the main focus was sturdy and strong, but even there the story can’t seem to make up its mind whether it’s Sunny or Sprout, and the two plots, though they do feed off one another, don’t really interact all that much.
I did quite like the depiction of Sugar Moonlight and Sweets, with slightly different personalities then has been common thus far, in a ditzy airhead who’s a habitual liar and a straight-faced savvy mechanical engineer. They were fresh elements, and I honestly wish the story had been more about them.
Again, bingo entires are hard, and it’s no surprise you had to add many more elements, given neither Sugar Moonlight nor Sweets can really interact with the other three elements organically in a short story on their own. But the end result is a cramped structural mess, with concepts tossed out and discarded left and right, though there’s enough enjoyable and worthwhile parts in here that I don’t regret reading the story.
Much of your work is excellent, and I feel kind of bad for not liking this the way many others do. Clearly, there’s passion on your end for most elements here, and that does help the end result. It clips by at a fast pace and isn’t boring, so it’s not a drag either, mostly. Even if it’s quality is nowhere near what I would have wanted or expected, a blip like this is still, just about, fine. And perhaps people more interested in alicorn and Twilight elements in G5 stories will be a bit more forgiving, though I didn’t let my tastes there affect my judgment.
Oh, and as others have pointed out, having the reveal of Sunny’s end goal in the description is a big mistake (it read was not having confidence the story will entice people to read it otherwise, frankly), and even within the story, her slip-up midway through should cut off a few words earlier to be less obvious too.
Beautiful and very inspiring, Trixie! You really brought this all together so well. I was tearing up when Sunny talked with her father and Twilight, too. This was just wonderful!
Freaking love how the picture portrays an innocent cute adventurous story until you notice this purely evil tag of
D̵͚̝͙́̽͘E̴̼̞͐̈́̕Ä̵͖́͆͜͜͠T̴̻͚̘͛̽̾H̴͍͙͔̐̔͘
Other than that, good story, mate! ^^
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FoME has a great sense of reader expectations so I think the advice you both have on pulling the reveal from the description is probably for the best (and I made the small changes necessary). I'd left it there not because I thought the teaser was necessary, but because I hadn't considered it a twist as much as the more obvious twist in the next-to-last chapter (which I can't really hide well with the word count limit, the ensemble cast, and the necessity for hitting multiple locations). Also, I had to be a little obvious with the hint in the third chapter because I needed Sunny to lie in a non-subtle way in order to showcase her 'tell' to Sprout.
I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it, Mike, but I'll take it as a compliment that you expect great things from me! There's nothing more frustrating as an author than feeling like you really knocked something out of the park when it ends up not clicking with part of your audience. I agree the prompts are a bit haphazardly connected, but the degree of difficulty might be a little higher for me than some authors: for one, I prefer drama to random comedy (the latter is much easier to sprinkle disparate elements together and draws far fewer downhooves), but also I usually need a message to convey and when I write the entire story is generally just a vehicle for supporting that message. This places the relevance of story elements on the backstage in my mind as I compose.
Ironically, the one prompt that you thought connected was the only one I thought I cheated on! It seemed like "new princess" indicated the requirement for an OC, especially since it's already canonical that Sunny is an alicorn. I thought the characterization of the two background ponies went well, the inclusion of Griffinstone worked with Gallus as the successor to the Guardian of Magic based on his halo color matching Twilight's coat in one of the season finales, and the unicorns prompt allowed me to tie up several loose ends from the movie in a natural way.
I still loved writing the story, though, and feel more alive than I have in years—which, while not saying much given my disability, has been very welcome. As always, I welcome all constructive feedback. I have a ton of fiction in the pipeline right now, so hopefully this experience will be a step on the way to work you'll enjoy in the future.
An Honest Try:
"Anyway, Pipp is correct."
Was that supposed to be "Zipp", referring to "Zipp glowered at the deputy. "It's for Sunny, okay? We need to locate the Bearer of Honesty for a quest we're about to go on. The Elements of Harmony are—""?
The Best Worst Day Ever:
Well, that scene with Argyle was good for some eye irrigation. Good thing the text-to-speech system works well for me, given there was a bit I couldn't see much during.
"said Sprout, as his muzzle wrinkled up oddly, his pupils dilated, and his eyes moved rapidly from side to side"
...And then I found that especially funny. :D
I enjoyed the story; thank you for writing. :)
edit:
Oh, right, and good luck in the contest!
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Well, I didn't necessarily mean it worked for me, just that it was far too ingrained to remove. I was talking specifically how ingrained into the story they were – I had no personal reaction to that element. In terms of what I actually liked the most, it was easily Sweets and Sugar Moonlight, but they mostly felt like subplots from a different story.
Anyway, after princesses, none of the others felt so tied to what happens that the story couldn't be adjusted to be basically the same without them – the Griffonstone thing in particular could have been any old location, and the mention of Gallus is just a side detail that really… doesn't have much bearing on the story at all. Sweets we already mentioned – I'll concede Sugar Moonlight matters a bit more, in that a red herring IS needed, though it could be anyone. And the unicorns thing? Eh. It doesn't amount to a hill of beans when it's not the element being literally discussed.
As I said, struggling with integrating these elements is common to many Bingo entries, more so when prioritising drama and a message as you do, and there were parts I liked.
The major mark against this was the writing style. Honestly, I kept asking myself "Trick Question wrote this?" It did not remotely feel like your writing, and honestly put me far more in mind of the kind of rushed, bare-in-description style common to newer writers. Which obviously isn't the case, you've been around for seven years, and I've thought even some of your older work is really excellent, with none of the prose deficiencies seen here. It boils down to a lot of "character x says this, character y says that", and while obviously one doesn't want to go overboard with description and internalisation either, there was rarely a moment where I could not see the keyboard, if you will. The end result is this makes all the character work, the intended message and themes, the moments where you want us to feel for Sunny – it makes it all far too transparent and obvious for me to have any emotional reaction to the story at all. Had I been invested in the proceedings, the structural woes with the elements aggressively announcing themselves would have been far less of an issue.
That was the main shortcoming. Whether this was unintended due to rushed composition time, or because you had to keep it under 10K, I'm not sure, but I suspect the latter. I see the issue if so: the story doesn't really allow for chunks of the plot to be removed and still cover the bingo points and the points you want to cover, AND be a touching character drama (a comedy could maybe do an ironic in media res type opening and fill in the details). It's a tricky conundrum, and I don't envy you. I'm sure you also feel the story would be much better if it could go well over the 10K word limit.
I still don't know what to make of it, honestly. But irrespective of anything else, it's clearly trying, as are you. So props for that!
Anyway, you'll notice I've been adding some of your stories to my bookshelf over the last while – at first, this was just me noting what I thought of stories as I reread them, and documented what I read. Then I decided to make it public, so the author could at least know what I thought. I find leaving reviews hard!
Well, I'm trying to leave reviews now. Not gonna go back and do it for stories I've already shelved, nor for every story I read going forward. But where I feel I have something to say, I'll leave a comment. And you can see I never leave short, simple comments, you always get lots of dissection! So look forward to that.
All the best! And it's great you're feeling more alive writing now then you have in a while, even in light of whatever disability it is you have.
Let's have none of that, champ – I've liked enough of your past work to know this is just a blip, and there probably won't be a need for a build-up curve to get back up. Among the stories I'm likely to click on, anyway – there are certain genres, characters, types of plot, etc. I steer well clear from.
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Good catch on the Zipp/Pipp, thanks!
Initially I gave Sprout a different tell, but after climbing into bed I realized what a perfect match that would be so I forced myself out of bed to change it (so more readers would see that version).
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It was a bit of both, but you're right that it was very difficult to figure out a way to tell the story I wanted to tell, include all the bingo elements, and keep it under ten grand. It was a fun exercise, though.
One of the biggest problems with art is that one's expectations can radically change one's enjoyment of a piece. If a story goes in a totally different direction or has a very different feel from what was expected, the observer may be put off by it. This is why movie reviewers sometimes revise their reviews years later when they're in a more neutral frame of mind. It's also why putting the reveal in the story description was a difficult call for me to make (even if it seemed obvious to you and FOME—but as the artist I'm too wrapped up in the piece to notice some things, which is why feedback is invaluable).
It can be, and you shouldn't feel obligated to. However, I always appreciate honest constructive feedback (even when I don't agree with all of it), and most good authors feel the same way.
Ironically, writing a review is almost the only way I can read fiction now. It gives me a goal, which allows me to do the reading without feeling like I'm investing time in something I can't appreciate enough.
I've been losing concentration and short-term memory progressively since I developed pain in my teeth back in 2008 or 2009, plus the pain meds I take don't help with that... but the much larger issue is developing severe fatigue (ME/CFS) about nineteen months ago. Everything has become very difficult. I still teach at the university, but I only teach two courses per semester now and part of it is done online. Even that has been hard to manage. The only reason I can still teach is the only reason I haven't given up on it: I absolutely love teaching. (It's also why I can still write pony stories, if a lot more slowly.)
I didn't mean I'm changing anything dramatically about how I write. Also, personal taste is a large element of enjoyment, to be fair, so some readers will love what other readers find fault in.
If you tell me a full list of what you've read from me, what you enjoyed and didn't enjoy, and what stories you generally like to read or avoid reading, I can give you some suggestions for tales I've written that you're likely to adore.
Wow…. It’s hard to know what to say here. I could barely get through this chapter, spending the last 10-15 minutes sobbing heavily. This pulled at every heartstring I had and the tears just kept flowing and they still are. The moment between Sunny, Argyle and Twilight was nothing short of perfect, giving both he and his daughter closure and him a gift of fulfillment to his vision.
A thought occurs: One way to bring the plot and prompt more closely together would be to have Sweets use her offer to upgrade the Bridlewood power grid as a way to get Alphabittle to let the group into his not-a-library. The AlphaHaven ship is fun, don’t get me wrong, but the alternative might prove more cohesive.
Been sort of tiptoeing (tiphoofing?) around G5 stuff, mainly because the movie sort of strayed from some of the characterizations that the fandom made from the teasers and trailers. I’m always a little fearful of getting stuck on one characterization only for it to be upended when the G5 show airs (plus my imagination is still packed full of G4).
That said, I think you did a great job here in nailing down all their personality points and writing in their voices. Some of the cast might be easier than the others (Like Izzy being a horny Pinkie Pie
) but I meant more about how well you threaded that needle with Sprout.
It’s a bit charming how the element bearers aren’t totally one to one. That Sprout’s take on honesty is more of of a cynical take than the earlier bearers. I think that fits in line with how it evolves from Yona’s earnestness or AJ’s matter-of-fact or Rockhoof’s plain boisterous nature. So kudos for making a case for it the missing sixth and making the role fit his personality and seem natural.
Also had a few laughs too:
Smol Pipp is Smol.
I snorted my drink
This ship is very cute and I love it. Even if it means we are in for another generation of four coltless mares. Unless Sunny got more than just a horn with her transformation
Missed opportunity to say CanterLogic made a hastily put together dramatic documentary “Little Ponies: The Next Generation” I think
The closing of the timeloop at the end was nice. As sad as it might be. I still hold out hope that Argyle is perhaps simply ‘lost’ in some spacetime wedge or frozen in carbonite (crystal) or whatever plot convenient thing. Too many single-parents in pony world, not fair that Sunny doesn’t even get one! All the couples are as sparse as the one-side cutied flanks in G5. At least Haven and Alphabittle could fix that
Best of luck in the contest. I know bingo prompts can be difficult to work in. And while they weren’t part of the main plotline I did like Sugar and Sweet’s inclusion even if they were a bit in-and-out of the story. Sometimes you can only stretch that broth so much with what little you got. A little squeeze for wordcount. But the story still remains a nice, breezy read.
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I actually thought about that but decided against for two reasons: it seemed less natural to have Sweets attempt to help the group rather than serve CanterLogic, and I needed to foreshadow why Zipp was so hateful toward Sprout. It's not a bad idea, though.
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Thanks, and you're welcome. :)
Ah, well, sorry it disturbed your sleep, but aye, I think it indeed worked quite well. :D
Heh. Love this. Great work with the prompts... if it hadn't had the 10k word limit this could become pretty epic ;)
Good job!
.....But who but Trick could have such a satisfying time travel?
I dun care what anypony else says, I liked the story. Have an uphoof
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Am I that formulaic?
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Autistic mare rather likes the formula
(Before reading)
I actually think that Zipp is the new Element of Honesty, as she hated all the lying she and her family were doing to the other Pegasi about royalty only being able to fly
As for the others i think, Izzy = Laughter, Sunny = Magic, Hitch = Loyalty/Kindness, Pipp = Generosity
Of course Hitch is the next princess, was there ever any doubt? :V
Hitch just casually princessing like that sends me. XD
oh dear, I'm not sure I can handle Izzy breaking the fourth wall :D
ooooof ;_;
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It was nice of you to read this story too, after the fact. Hope you enjoyed it, at least a little! Bingo prompts make for a strange challenge.
Hitch is going to date Sprout?! XD
You did a great job with this story. Have a follow.
You can has review!
how is sprout so right about everything at the beginning here
wait a minute, Twilight killed him. he didn't die because he was sick, he died because Twilight killed him. it's a closed time loop, that was always how it happened...
Great story. I think you do a good job of making this Twilight seem like a more mature version of canon Twilight. Not just a Celestia clone, even if I will never not hate her time skip design..