My name is Melody and I’m 15 years old.
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It has been 1 million years. Applesauce’s whole family died except her daughter Appletree, and her granddaughter, Treeheart. When they both died, Applesauce decided to leave the universe to go live in another. She meets the happy nice teen Titans and they agree to help her restart time so Cookieheart can rule again. She also has a crush on one. Sadly, the taller, more serious and evil versions come to stop them. Will the friends stop these evil versions?
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Wow 1 million years. That’s a long time!
I felt like you could have used a bit of time to emphasize on internal conflict (Particularly because you’ve decided to write in First Person) and the protagonist’s emotions. As an example: in the place where Applesauce Cookiemash discovers her dead family, you could drag the moment out so that the impact on Applesauce truly hits the reader (eg. Denial at first, Fear that it may be true, then Desperation as the situation truly sets in.) Just a little bit of that could really spice up the story and make it more enticing for your viewers.
There was also quite a bit of rushing within the chapter, (Don’t worry, I’m terrible at pacing as well
), I understand the want to reach the complication and plot of the story, but the orientation is very important as well - it sets the foundations of your world up (Particularly as it is not the canon universe) and provides the reader with context. You have done most of the orientation work at the beginning when you introduce Princess Applesauce Cookiemash, but it is weak and it is practically just an information dump. Maybe a better way to introduce the family tree or the traditions of old would be a history book or even something beside the Main 7 statue?
Otherwise, the idea of the story was alright, OC characters have plenty of development potential and I can’t wait to see where this goes, just remember not to lean too heavily onto the already constructed plot of TT, otherwise it would basically just be a copy with substituted characters.
Please don’t take offense to any of this, I don’t mean to be harsh or criticizing in any way and I’m sorry if you take it as such - everybody has ways they can improve after all!
~Meowofy
(PS. I think you accidentally forgot Applejack
)
10764703
Ty :D
For fuck's sake.
10764889
😠
10765092
Excuse me but... How do you come up with these names?
camo.fimfiction.net/orGe-e9XdnSv42z6LoNct-v78lL646vglF8DV2uXmBY?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FswFBkQv.gif
10765098
I merge them!
10765140
??????
Bruh... the older robin has been through much worse things than that. Also,
WHY JUST WHY
Does this ever end?
10765160
2 story’s left!
10765158
Prove it
spiky legs spiky legs
10765140
Oh hey, you used Estee’s gif!
Did anyone ever told you Vinyl was a mare and not a guy?
10765171
This right here
10765148
But why? The names they're... Oof.
10765171
He looks like a boy!
10765174
Well, this is the author who has characters named Discookie and Twishy
You got two of those wrong. I’m surprised you even got any right.
10765175
Listen, there’s a difference between mares and stallions on the show. Different muzzle shapes, different sizes, body shape, the eyes, etc.
10765180
Pinkie pies son looks like a girl, but he’s a boy!
10765180
Also I just realized
If Vinyl was around when Cookieheart was the queen of this messed up kingdom, and it’s been a million years, then she’s a million years old-
10765184
But does that make him a girl? Not exactly.
And if Vinyl looks like a boy, does that make her a boy?
10765188
Sound the continuity alarm!
🚨
Robin was hypnotized and the bad ones had nothing happen to them
10765193
Then clearly you never watched the older show.
10765196
Teen Titans Go! didn’t destroy Teen Titans.
This did.
10765199
YES EXACTLY
10765196
I watched two episodes and it was soooo boring. The characters are mean to each other, and they act soooo perfect. Nothing happened to them at all! I bet the whole series they didn’t have trouble
Also my husband is too serious in this one and never loses and never scared anyone because he’s soooooooooo perfect
But my husband in the other one is funny and fun ant his friends saved him from evil stuff
I love the new one! The only thing I hate is the butts but that’s it!
10765206
media0.giphy.com/media/fW4zsIf5PWkpbz9Ami/giphy.gif
10765164
????
10765206
*coughs* original season 3 episode 5 *coughs*
10765209
No she’s not perfect because she accidentally let her family die
10765213
I don’t know what that’s about I bet it’s boring
10765216
And what? Did she ever go through any other hardships? Do any of your characters work to earn your titles? Think about what makes them “worthy” instead of making them “better than the canon characters”.
10765210
The cover art pony has very spiky legs.
10765217
Because you haven’t watched it?
10765176
*PHYSICALLY CRINGES*
10765219
She also didn’t know the old riles
10765222
I bet you didn’t either
10765224
And?
10765223
It pronounced twish ee
10765225
At least we know the difference between good and cringe
10765226
That means she could have left vinyl go
10765240
Honestly, she should’ve let Vinyl go. It would be better than:
I mean, only letting them eat certain foods like cookies and all that could lead to them having serious health issues.
10765239
No I bet s3 e5 is the same as the other ones
Fighting fighting fighting without any problems
10765243
There’s a spell that doesn’t let that happen
Is casted in primary Cookiehearts story