My name is Melody and I’m 15 years old.
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Windheart, the child of Thorax and Octavia, was abandoned by her mother. After 200,000 years of ruling, Thorax gives his throne to Windheart, her daughter. Only 1 year later, she gets a cutie mark! She becomes the only changeling in the entire universe to get one! When Princess Twilight starts a war between changelings and ponies, Windheart has to save the changlings with her talent with the help of her dad Thorax—Amazing Dark Magic!
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So it seems you have a problem with telling rather than showing. The way thing progress almost feels like reading a list of actions rather than picturing a story play out. You want to give time for the reader to see things happen. Expand upon what happens. Keep in mind who, what, when, where, and why at any given time.
However at the same time there are certain times when you want less detail. I'm especially talking about character descriptions. Better to get a glimpse of golden locks, flitting through the crowd, a gleam of multifaceted eyes catching yours from a far, then just dumping a pile of information all at once about what they look like. It feels just feels clunky.
I would also suggest less ellipses. You want to use them sparingly but you used them a lot during the scene with Fortis. Save them for important moments, maybe when their eyes first meet or when their lips interlock in a loving kiss. It can seem almost like your characters very breath has been stolen away and they're unable to even finish their thought.
On that note, I have a purely curious question. If she's Thorax's daughter and Fortis is Pharynx's son, wouldn't that make them cousins? I know that changeling families are a little more fluid so I'm just curious if that counts as incest.
Oh no, not again—
Quickly, changelings, quickly! You too, Thorax! Run before the OC gets you! Hurry, before it’s too late—
10768775
??.
?
10768773
Ok thanks you! Also I’ll changes the pharynx to another Changeling I forgot they were brothers
I’m gonna curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out
...What have you done?! Quick! Thorax! Pharynx-husbando! Run for your livesssss!
Oh god. ANOTHER VILLAIN TWILIGHT STORY IM YEETING MYSELF OUTTA HERE-
🏃
Leave the Changelings alone!
Against my better judgement, I decided to read this story, just to see what all the fuss in the previous comments was about. Barely one paragraph in, and oh boy problems!
Backstory any% speedrun. Infodumps are hardly interesting. It would be better to cut most of this
paragraphchapter away, and sprinkle it in other places in the story.And now we learn Octavia is an abusive mother. Are you even capable of writing relationships that aren't fucked up on some level?
Thorax is a changeling. As an emotion eater specifically feeding on love, you'd think he would realize something is wrong with this family.
Yes, we can do math. You don't have to spell out how much 5+5 is.
Don't they have eachother? I mean, there is two of them. They are sisters. And the whole point of changedlings is that they can share love now. You'd think at least one of those problems would be solvable.
The hell did that come from?
Again, where did that come from?
Where was the coronation? And where was the marriage? All we've heard was some light, two characters looking at eachother. And what of Thorax? Did he abdicate? When, why? Is he unfit to rule for some reason?
Again with the tickling? With how much of that you put in the story, you'd think it deserves a fetish tag.
Do I really need to explain what's wrong with this sentence?
Woah, calm down Stalin. They just didn't like your party. You'd think there are less severe ways to deal with that.
That is an incredibly short code of law. The implication here is that changelings had no law before that (which has its own host of problems). So you have to fit everything, from the royal succession to traffic violations, in these 20 pages if you want to be comprehensive.
Have I mentioned how much I hate that name? No? Well I do now. It's bad.
10769138
Previous stories contained a lot of farting, to the point I was wondering this. Author claims to be 15, so probably not a fetish, just immaturity or something.
Oh, yeah. The "good guys" in these stories banish people to other planets for trivial offenses & have a habit of torturing family members like Discord, even though the author swears up and down that they all truly love each other and are the perfect family...
Don't you mean 'his daughter'?
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He's a changeling, who said they have to be consistent?
Setting aside the obvious question of how a Changeling and pony could reproduce, why are parents always abusive in your stories? There's nothing wrong with characters having loving parents (not least that Octavia being abusive seems rather OOC).
Thank you, Captain Obvious. We can count.
There's no way all the laws and rules of an entire society could be fitted onto 20 pages. The US Constitution, for instance, runs to 34 pages.
10769213
Maybe they just trimmed the fat?
The cake is for everyone law got...pulled...again
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Or perhaps it's in a tiny font?
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Darn that was good. I forgot the tiny font.
10769225
Or maybe it's just 20 pages of "if you don't like my parties, you get sent to prison for life" over and over again. I would expect something like that from the author at this point.
>Account created 17 days ago
>8 stories: 1 marked complete, 2 cancelled, 1 on hiatus, 4 incomplete
>all have a like-dislike ratio severely in the red
>several mary sue oc's
>seems to have a inordinate hatred toward the canon cast/events
10768939
Villain Twilight can be done well, like any sort of prompt, it just has to be believable.
That said, there's nothing wrong with an AU where Twilight is just an absolute heartless bitch, but that has to be established as part of the setting.
From what I'm gathering this author just does "And then Twilight did mean things and everyone hates her! Grrr!" There's no build up, or rhyme or reason for it.
Questions that need to be answered here
1. Why did Twilight declare war on the changelings?
2. Why did she not attempt diplomacy first? She's the princess of friendship, Thorax is one of her younger brother's best friends, and a friend of hers to boot. If they had a falling out, then explain that in the opening paragraph.
3. Do the rest of the mane 7 agree with this course of action? She set them up as her advisors after all, something like this would have to either get a unanimous vote from the others, or else have her disregard their council, or do it without them knowing, and if so...
3a. Why did she go against the council of/behind the backs of her best friends and advisors?
10769138
10769155
And by a lot of farting, it's the point where an entire family is literally using fart power to fly around ponyville, making a show for the ponies to enjoy. Oh god, why did I come to read this story's comments, it's bringing back the memories of all the farting
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Oh, I'm not complaining about the Villain Twilight. I've seen many done well, and I read 'em anyway. T'was a joke and I share many of your opinions.
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It's very important.
10769233
If that was typed out, it would bump up the wordcount if nothing else.
10769243
There was also a lot of belching, to the point a villain was defeated by explosive farting and loud burping.
10769155
Even then, they sound like they’re 9-12 instead of 15. Actually no, they sound younger.
Wait, isn’t her sister younger? Here it says she’s the older one
I could just be mistaking one sister for the other, so correct me if I’m wrong
10769288
Naw, she has two sisters. The older one, Orbit is a full sister. The younger, Ocellus, seems to be the result of Thorax's affair with another changeling.
O.O
10769236
It’s because Windheart hurt the cool mean Colts!
10768895
???
Has Twilight been replaced by Chancellor Neighsay? This seems more like his MO
10769521
No she was mad
10769524
Is she going to close down her school then? Because this kind of goes against her schools philosophy.
10769525
She loves other creatures
Due to lack of details, I'm being led to assume they are attacking with their bare hooves. What the fuck kinda pathetic terrorist organization carries out an attack with no actual weapons?
Slowly3
Probably because you are floating.
Are we going to get a description of it? Cause right now, a dark magic butt tattoo might be a circle of sinister runes, or it might be Sombra's face.
Wow, that's some lame dark magic. I'd ask for a refund.
Were all those guards just waiting in ambush for the whole year? That has got the be the least efficient law enforcement I've ever seen.
Ah, yes. Attacking an allied kingdom with intent to carry out genocide is totally in character for Twilight.
Why not attack now, when you have the element of surprise?
10769627
Hey the cool mean Colts used magic!
So if Twlight was allied with the changeling before this, why were the cool mean colts allowed to grow to such numbers? Is she just fine with terrorist organizations growing and attacking her allies?
What benefits do they even have as allies if she doesn't help defend them against attacks?
10769639
That should be included in the story. Preferably with details of what kinda spells were used.
10769697
The Cool Mean Colts were good at disguising themselves to look like normal changeling-loving ponies
10769734
Yeah, and so are changelings. What about my other questions.
Okay, first of all, what’s wrong with Thorax? Not only is he painfully OOC when it comes to his hypothetical children, but do they just let him get away with him believing his “abusive wife” instead of his kids?
10769627
The 'slowly' bit reminds me of a Spongebob creepypasta which overused the word 'slow' to an absurd degree. So much so, in one dramatic reading, every time the narrator said a word relating to slow, the video slowed down!
10769802
Look at the author's name. I think that answers your question.
10769970
The “magic” part?
Then again, the author kept making up excuses and saying stuff that they never wrote in the story.
10769971
It's a common trope of fanfiction. To paraphrase Robin Bailes, 'magic is not a get out of jail free card for nonsensical crap.'
10769973
Correct.
10769213
Oh man and that’s just a paper about simple values and how laws should be made. Imagine reading all of our laws! H. R. 1 alone is over 700 pages!
THORAX!? HOW COULD YOU BE JUST SO SO- Out of character like my god-
*Clears throat* Let me rephrase that "I was able to stay well because just like most of Rainbowmagic's OC's I am a over powered Mary Sue"