Join the mane 6 and others as they have to battle to save equestria and even earth. Find out what caused a 3rd world war and how. Follow the pony's we all love so much and a few other friends and even humans onto a battle against Discord himself and his allies old and new.......
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I'm just typing chapter one let me know any changes or suggestions for future chapters and i will gladly take them into thought but this story will be long and i will work hard on it during winter break.
Chapter one is gonna be long as hell it's about training and how Private Abbott starts to make friends.
The next chapter is when war starts so sorry if these 2 were boring had to give a intro/background story comments about changes or thing to add are nice
Chapter 3 escape is coming up and it's going to be a little longer working on it trying to get 2 chapters a day until the story ends which prob won't for a while
I like it so far. Just one little complaint.
Try using quotation marks with the dialogue. There were parts I had to re-read two or three times to understand who said what.
but still 5 stars though. punctuation can easily be fixed
also there are some grammatical and spelling issues. might i suggest either proof-reading yourself or finding someone to peer review your works. This is a good story,
just hard to read sometimes.
92407 TY so much yea i started catching on alot more and ty for the 5 starts
92591 That would help yea sry about spelling next chapter is coming up i'm making changes right now and checking spelling etc
92623 Send it to me and ill preread :P once you get past the spelling/grammar its a good read *rates 4.5 stars* :3
92630 Ok i am still typing it up so i will send it to you as soon i am done and ty for the rate means a lot and the helpful criticism
This here... this is why fanfiction gets a bad press.
You don't write in paragraphs, you don't appear capable of forming coherent sentences, the spelling and grammar are both atrocious, the plot is dull, the characters are bland, don't even get me started on the structure, and perhaps most damningly of all, you seem genuinely proud of this. Modern Warfare crossovers have potential, especially as a vehicle for a good old-fashioned skewering of the FPS genre, but this is just poor. Sorry, not a fan.
However, this is not me telling you to stop. Practice is the only way humans learn, and you'll hopefully get some tips in the comments. Keep at it and you'll get better - which is a good thing, because on this evidence you damn well need to.
Awesome fiction dude!
now i wont be able to sleep before u let private Abott live again :(
92630 I disagree entirely, for reasons previously mentioned. At least there's paragraphs in this bit, but the humans are about as deep as a puddle in the Kalahari and the interactions between Abbott (a man so dull he makes tax returns look interesting) and everyone else are so wooden you can practically taste the sawdust. Indeed, sawdust has the advantage of being much more engaging than the plot of this daft exercise in militaristic, hypermasculine dreck.
The genre has potential. This does not, especially since it's a case of one step forward and two steps back.
yes... it needs editing. Lots of it. Sentences have to be read and reread a few times to understand just what you're trying to say. Do not be discouraged by the critiques though, its how people improve in their writing :)
Uhhh... the concept seems good
But you should probably make paragraphs, and use better grammar.
Fluttershy has Ghost's mask! Do Pinkie and Fluttershy get betrayed?
( Pinkie has Roach's mask.
) If they both get betrayed it Rainbow would probably betray them because she is wearing a spetsnaz mask. 
.....................Someone is a genious
92716 Meh, you've got your opinion and I've got mine.
I agree with the above 2 posts... I looked at it and the first thing I wanted to do was leave, because it was a big wall of text. Also, I don't care WHERE your from in america... A 15 year old teenager would NEVER become a member of a team so highly praised as this is so I also give it a mediocre rating. Do try and make your writing a little easier to read, and it should turn out better .
Also... Poor derpy :'(
93211 Well ty the helpful comments inspire me to keep this story going i'm surprised for my first fan fic it's seems to get some good reviews.
92795 yes i am mad at my self for making these mistakes i changed how stupid i was later in the story and now i have people proofreading and stuff for grammar errors etc.
92881 Never thought of that you know what you are very good so we will see but very good observation.
92716 Then why are you reading this and you find out about Abbott in the next chapter i read reviews and i'm spacing shit out cause yea i looked and my first 3 chapters look's like a big as wall of bricks haha
92710 next chapter is up read it and message me if you can sleep yet haha
92753 yes like i have said in the latter comments the helpful criticism make these alot better i had a buddy read my last chapter now i have done major changes and editing these to make them better
Leave comments for future suggestions i will probably do them if they are good enough like i am doing a suggestion from a comment in the next chapter read the other chapters so you can understand this one.
Leave comments for future suggestions i will probably do them if they are good enough like i am doing a suggestion from a comment in the next chapter read the other chapters so you can understand this one.
(all I have to say is
94418 is?
Well someone seems to be taking cartoon ponies in the real world quite lightly!
Awwwww... Poor Derpy!
All you need is to have someone check grammar and quotation marks and this story is ready to go!
Oh my gosh Oh my gosh Oh my gosh Oh my gosh OH MY GOSH! Continue this wonderful story my good sir! I hunger for MOAR!
I see Death took a proverb or two from Sniper!(TF2)
), but there is always room for improvement. I noticed how you have started using quotation marks (very good), but grammar, spelling and punctuation could use a tune-up. I also ask if you could please take some time by going into detail. I noticed that you had a meetup with Abbott's family, but just decided to skip it. It feels like you rushed to get chapters done. Other than that, this story is amazing. Please continue this great story, but take it slow if you need to!
Oh, and for a suggestion, can you please give us some time with the rest of the Mane 6 as well? Particularly these two.
This story has a great plot (Not THAT kind of plot
I hunger for the best fanfics and you sir are giving them to me!
Keep up the good work!
-PwnyBrony
102330 Ty sir i got fluttershy and pinkie and in the next chapter and the meeting with my family is coming up cause in the next chapter you will notice he keeps getting strange messages in his head but ignores them
102973
Oh, Yeah!
May the story contiue and prosper!
Remember, no need to rush. Keep your pace steady and watch out for those pesky Quotation marks, grammar, spelling and punctuatio problems!
A rushed fanfic a is a sunk fanfic.
Good Luck!
-PwnyBrony
Oh gods. Modern Warmare 3.
Nice...so far.
A wall of text, nah. Not much of a problem. I write like that some times.
Nice Idea. Now you need proof readers. ASAP!
This is just like the drawing board. You probably threw ideas on the page and left them there. Elaboration is minimal. Some TLC is needed.
Not that I'm killing you or something, but truly, I'm gonna have to agree with Colour Coded Chaos.
This... is really bad... I'd have to agree with Calamity and Color Coded Chaos. Major convention errors throughout. "I" is capitalized (you didn't capitalize it much)... I read this due to the good reviews despite my better judgment, I regret it. I suggest you elaborate on your Ideas A LOT more. Also, try using spell check when you type this, heck re-read it aloud before you submit it. those two things should help with your spelling and grammar errors. Lastly, don't forget to use proper punctuation, it is important.
So many betrayals i cant keep track on all of them... xD twilight gave rainbow dash What she deserved
Awesome work dude i would never be able to do something like this keep up the good work <3.
It would be kewl if it like the russians in some way either showed themselves to have like nightmare moon luna or just lots of ponies :3
Thats it PONIE OUT
And btw i think Jiropracter is wrong k its some wrong grammar or spelling but its still readable and it doesnt ruin the whole story just beacuse of a mispell or two
Pony out!
Ah, I see you've been listening! You were strong with quotations and such in the beginning, but I felt you lose power as you continued on. Remember, Patience brings profit! I see you've paid more attention to detail too!
Time for my next piece of advice: Know when to hit the ENTER key. This is very useful in making your story look more professional and keeping your readers from getting lost (It keeps you story from looking like a couple of VERY long paragraphs).
The ENTER key should also be used when you have characters talking back and forth with each other.
For example, I'll use some of your text. (Spiced up a little!
)
Twilight continually shook her head. "No! This can't be true! I only went to one school! Celestia's School!"
"No you didn't Twilight! Damn it! You've got to remember!"
"I...I can't!"
"Try Twilight! Damn it, just try!"
Kapow! Just like that. Spicy! (Can't beat your work though!
)
I never saw that
coming! Rainbow Dash and Sarge? This blew me away! Nice reference sneaks too. (
I know I'm supposed to love and tolerate but...
)
Now the usual. Don't think that this fanfic isn't keeping us hungry readers waiting, but don't rush it! Take it at an even pace and keep checking for spelling, grammar, punctuation, quotations, and now paragraphs.
Keep up the great work and keep this story moving!
-PwnyBrony
oh and i can finally sleep again SO nice. I just learned that i hate being sleepless
Thats all PONIE OUT
109930 ty that will help with the next chapter germany
109930 ty that will help with the next chapter germany
108169 ty i'm gonna try that reading out loud i all ready got some errors caught from next chapter ty :)
110040
No problem.
I like helpin' the pony folk. *Yawn*
At 2:30 AM...
Goodnight everypony!
Just gotta ask if ur done with the next chapter soon? (However i dont wanna stress u (or whatever you say))
Cause im starting to get sleepless again
Just came thinking about that saying i cant sleep is a pretty good thing to say if u want to make people do what you want.
Thats all for me gonna try to get some sleep (and fail of course)
Ok lets be a little different this time lets say... Eramm out!... O.o that really sounds horrible -.-
Lets just go normal:
P0n3H 0uwt!!1! ^_^
115368 on my flight back to Detroit i will be typing the rest of Germany on the plane ride so it should be up some time today in another 12 -13 hours maybe Monday after the lsu Alabama game cause i love lsu so gotta watch the game