The beginning. The year is 2011 December 21st cold as hell somewhere in Michigan. I was sitting in bed thinking what the hell every one was doing this time on a Wednesday probably sleeping before school. I was interrupted by a large bang near the end of my street i madly sprinted down the stairs to see what it was. When i saw a tank with a Russian Spetnaz mark on it i screamed oh shit tell me this is not about to happen. WW3 has just begun i thought. My military name is private Abbott I'm only 15 and a brony. I have always been trained well with guns so i have been prepared for a war the rest of my company was not however. We had just started basic training for WW3 and were prepared to take on our Russian,Chinese,and Korean foes and many more.
When i arrived to the training camp the first thing i noticed were ponies not just any ponies. Ponies from mlp fim. I thought wow even the equestrian army is sent into this. This is going to be one hell of a war and training session. The first thing me and my company went to was the introduction room when we met more of our company there the mane6 from mlp. We all sat down in our seats and the staff Sargent
first words were. "WELCOME DELTA TEAM 106".
I'm just typing chapter one let me know any changes or suggestions for future chapters and i will gladly take them into thought but this story will be long and i will work hard on it during winter break.
Chapter one is gonna be long as hell it's about training and how Private Abbott starts to make friends.
Uhhh... the concept seems good
But you should probably make paragraphs, and use better grammar.
.....................Someone is a genious
93211 Well ty the helpful comments inspire me to keep this story going i'm surprised for my first fan fic it's seems to get some good reviews.
92795 yes i am mad at my self for making these mistakes i changed how stupid i was later in the story and now i have people proofreading and stuff for grammar errors etc.
Well someone seems to be taking cartoon ponies in the real world quite lightly!
Well looking back at my earlier chapters I'm have improved so much from helpful comments and this story has been better by ideas when i run out of ideas i'll let you know throw out some and i'll give you credit where credit is do post on the newest 3 chapters if you are going to post reviews and thing unless it is about that chapter then comment on that chapter over 3k ready amazing for that bonus chapter being added along with this larger chapter enjoy those two posted a bonus chapter because my screen broke so it slowed me down on the bigger chapter so the jan 31st chapter is a end of the month gift from me
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15, military background, trans-dimensional ponies... I was thinking this would be a 'humanized MLP' kinda thing.
First, you need to find the spelling and grammar check on your computer. Second, what in bloody hell happened to the Russian tank that was in your self insert's town. Third, how did he leave his house without the disappearing tank blowing him to a bloody pulp. Fourth, how in the hell did the tank end up in Michigan anyway. Fifth... aw to hell with it if I can find this many plot holes in 500 or some odd words, you really need to do some major edits to the story.
Don't get me wrong, the concept seems good. However, your constant misuse of the English language prevents me from getting past the prologue.
Just started reading this fic today.
Seems....alright for a introduction chapter.
Although the event of WW III seems to happen way to quickly.
Not to mention quite a bit of spelling mistakes, are you sure you don't have spell check?
And if you do go back and change some things here's my suggestion. Make a few extra chapters to build up the events leading to the war and why the ponies are here. It may seem like a lot of work, but in the end it well make a better story.
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Other than that, good beginning. although I need maor explanation on how shit happened.
Moved from read later to favs.