Celestia and Luna's royal bard. Nature is my God, Art is my religion, Love is the Law. Concordia Invictus
Apple Bloom has been told time and time again not to play with her ball in the barn, but on a rainy and boring day, she finds it too tempting. When her ball causes a disaster will she be able to fix it?
Contains: Disciplinary Spanking. Don't like, don't read.
(Fetish tag here by mod request. Don't let it chase you away from the story, nothing of a sexual nature occurs within.)
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Did you mean 'eat and sell'?
10514429
English is hard.
10514432
I know. It's one of the toughest languages to learn thanks to its rules.
10514436
At least it isn't Welsh.
(I kid, I love my Welsh brethren, but ye don't need fifteen letters ye don't pronounce in every word.)
10514439
Mae'r Cymry yn eithaf anhygoel.
Arhoswch eiliad, ydych chi'n dod o'r DU?
10514436
English doesn't have rules. It only has a gazillion exceptions.
10514453
That's one way of putting it.
10514452
Wait are you really Welsh?
10514468
Nope. I'm a Midlander.
10514490
What did you write?
10514493
I like the Welsh too.
Wait, are you from the UK?
10514495
Ireland.
10514501
10514505
Fun.
10514507
Yup.
Love this! Perfect corner scene and feelings!
10514512
Thanks.
A cute little story.
10515520
Glad you liked it. What parts did you find most interesting? Were there any parts you felt could've been better?
So, first things first, kinda weird you have to make it a "fetish" tagged story. After all, fetish has sexual connotations. I write a fair amount of spankings, but man, a good portion of it is because where I grew up, everyone got whooped.
Eh well, I don't write ponies though. At least, not yet.
Not really a lot to unpack here, being a pretty short story, but if you want advice, I am great at picking apart minor stuff. So, none of this is story-killing stuff, as much as devils in the details.
Anyway: You do over mention the idea of someone getting spanked. Apple Bloom openly considers and realizes how it works, and there is also how there's the mention of Scootaloo, Diamond Tiara, even Sweetie Belle getting paddled. Because, it is a stretch to think of all three getting paddled, when usually school paddlings were actually rather rare. It was usually one step below suspension. After all, I don't believe the world revolves around buttspankings.
Alright, next thing to my attention: The idea of all the barrels fell. It's mentioned almost half of them fell, and that's a lot. Half would be devastating to a harvest, and even if a lot of them were saved, I have to imagine there has to be real repercussions from that. And I don't understand why she's out in the barn in the first place, where all the apples are at, instead of in her room. So, it comes across as a forced way to have Apple Bloom get a, um, a spankering.
Now, onto our main event of the evening, and this is where the best part of the review comes in, what matters most.
Overall: A bit of a lack of flow. I'd recommend switching up sentence types more, as you have a lot of similar length sentences together in that piece. You've got a good idea about using longer sentences when it comes to the more emotional parts, where she's focusing on the disappointment of her family.
I would say it's one of your more realistic spanking pieces. As this is one of those where Apple Bloom acts how a kid usually would. Taking a long time to arrive, and also not fully leaning in and just going with it, as much as just staying there nervous until pushed to raise her tail.
This spanking also does get a lot more build up than some of your others. I think if you had more of a lead in like this, you'd be able to have more thrilling short stories, and as it would feel more truly earned.
Stars: Well a star rating would just invalidate everything I say by trying to encapsulate it in meaningless symbols, when the true value should be in the above review.
10519874
Thanks for the review. I believe I mentioned that Apple Bloom was outside when it started to rain and the barn was the closest shelter. Where do you feel I could improve sentence length? Glad you like my longer sentences, I've been playing with them. (Also, I mentioned Sweetie and Scoots getting a time-out, not a paddling.) If it wasn't a comedy-type story, I probably would play with the idea of more repercussions for the loss of the apples. Hmm...btw, did I manage to have an emotional effect on the reader? Did you "feel" for Bloom?
And ask the mods about the fetish tag. I have no idea how it works since they insist on putting it on non-sexual stories. It's quite irksome, but I'm not going to fight over it, it's too silly.
10520006
While she is outside, wouldn't it make more sense just to run into the main house? It's not that much farther away. 2nd: Oh, I must have misread the time out/paddling thing.
On improving sentence length: Here's a paragraph showing what I mean.
You use the same words a lot in this paragraph for example, and that really hurts flow sometimes if not intentional. "ball beneath her" and beneath in general appears three times. Also, you use the word ball five times. The first sentence is fourteen words, then an eleven word sentence. Not bad. But afterwards is two 24 word sentences. And an eleven word sentence to end. So you use the same length sentences several times in a row.
If you mix the types of sentences: Simple, compound, complex, compound-complex, you'll add more of a flow.
Recommended changes goes to:
Eh, the flow's off in my example too, but flow's really hard to nail.
On feeling: Eh, maybe not particularly? Like, I'm not really all that emotional in the first place, and rather logical. Not anything against you, though.
10520874
I'll put it down to opinion, cause I like my version better than yours to be honest. No offense and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Took me long enough to read this. I regret not doing it sooner, because this was really good. I found i
heartwarming and adorable that Apple Bloom was still dead set on cleaning up even after she was punished. She made a bad decision, but she's a really good filly.
10529953
Probably the best hearted filly on the show.