Daddy's Hungry

Blue Breeze

Blue Breeze #1 · Aug 27th, 2012 · 1 · 1 ·

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*puts hands to face* yep, my eyes melted.

JujubeLand

JujubeLand #2 · Aug 27th, 2012 · 3 · ·

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First of all, let me say that I enjoyed this very much. The Cakes are definitely my favorite canon couple, and I love to write them. I don't mean to presume, but were you, perhaps, inspired by my recent foray into humanization? (If so, I'm deeply honored.) This story was very sweet, cute, and surprisingly naughty, but in a good way.

One minor issue I had with the story is its voice. You seemed to be using a third-person omniscient voice, a.k.a. a point of view that can switch between any number of characters and divulge their inner thoughts, feelings, and desires. While that's not a bad choice, it's one that I've never found especially appealing. Giving us insight into both characters is all right, but I almost like it better when we can only see the story from a single point of view, and the character whose head we're inside has to guess what the other character thinks, feels, or wants. In clop especially, it gives a real chance to show how deep the love between the characters is when they can react to situations knowing how their partner will respond. Third-person omniscient, while a perfectly good voice, sometimes leaves me feeling flat. Like I said, though, this isn't a major thing, just something to consider for future projects.

The grammar isn't perfect, and there were a couple of typos and such, but that's nothing you can't fix with a quick once-over. As a personal preference, I don't enjoy dirty talk, but the back-and-forth between the two of them didn't come off as too forced or over-the-top, and I found it believable. (I do, however, enjoy lactation and breast play, so that definitely drew in my interest.) There didn't seem to be too much of a set-up, but I didn't feel let down or anything; rather than going into great detail about the story leading up to their intimate encounter, you chose to let the reader fill in most of the blanks, and I can respect that to a degree. There was a bit of repetition, which is something I struggle with as well, but it didn't detract too much from my enjoyment of the story. And there was enough of their back story interspersed in there to give me a good emotional connection, which I feel is the key element of any clop. All in all, it was a very solid effort, so well done.

Also, that picture is perfect.

SniperHero915

SniperHero915 #3 · Aug 27th, 2012 · · ·

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static.fjcdn.com/pictures/i_114d1b_729688.jpg

DuskWing

DuskWing #4 · Aug 27th, 2012 · · ·

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[img]C:\Users\nikki\Pictures\NATO PICS\MLP emots\misc_Colgate_beam.png[/img]

Little Lollipop

Little Lollipop #5 · Aug 27th, 2012 · · ·

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1167205 Whoops, sorry about that!

Little Lollipop

Little Lollipop #6 · Aug 27th, 2012 · · ·

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1167255 I was inspired from by your story 'A Delicious Slice of Cake' and before I posted this, I read your newest story. :) And as always, I thank you so much for critique. I'll look over it again for the grammar problems.

Blue Breeze