Stef thought he had it all, but after he woke up one day in the land of Equestria, that all changed.
Stranded in a forest with no friends and no hope in sight, he finds out quickly that he’ll need help if he ever dreams of getting home. Thankfully, the Princess’ top student is on the case! What will Twilight learn from her unlikely bond with this human? And could Stef learn that a life away from earth isn’t so bad after all?
Takes place parallel to the show, with some stories overlapping with its episodes.
Edited by: Luckyfanisaac
Up to the chapter In my room and from after Making Real Friends and onward are Proofread and re-written by Bookish Velvet
Cover-art by JennieOo https://www.deviantart.com/jennieoo Check her out if you're interested in having your own fan-art made, I can highly recommend her.
I feel bad for being the bringer of bad news, but have you read through your story first to see if there were any mistakes that quite frankly make this confusing to read?
And there should be a question mark here: Why am I outside, I was driving or was that a dream? ’
Thank you for your notes Feynna, really appreciate them and I will edit and change them as they are found.
I guess I was writing myself blind, so I didn't see it. :-)
10351506
Well, it's kinda hard to get through that first chapter because to me it feels like a chore trying not to just close the window and forget this story like so many others. I would like for you to succeed with something you have obviously spent some time on, but please fix those mistakes first, it would make it a lot more likely that others continue to read past the first paragraph ;)
Please, don't write the number and instead write the word, instead. It's... please, that's just... ugh.
So, after stumbling around like a buffoon, half dead and whatnot, that's how the mc reacts to civilization?
It's... amusing, so far. Weirdly amusing, take that as you will.
I have to ask, though... why is the chapter titled like that when the mc has no idea what Canterlot is yet?
and do you mean twilight as in the time of day? Because if you mean Twilight Sparkle, that twilight in the title needs to be written with an uppercase.Edit: Nevermind, I'm blind...
Okay, I have to point this out. I assumed it was some weird thing in the last chapter and thought nothing too wrong with it, but seeing the dialog be... well, the way it is, I have to ask why you chose to do this instead of writing it normally with quotation marks.
Yes, why ever would you do that, dear? Does the mc love self-mutilation? ;)
10351610
When I first began to write I was the most pleasing for my eyes as I read.
Why did the mc slam his hand into the rock? Because I do that if I hurt myself, I would normally punch something and yes it is ment to be seen as a bad thing to do, but I don't enjoy self-mutilation but I have a past with it.
How about concern? Heck, I would be pretty creeped out if anyone could just walk past me if I were bleeding from the head and starving to death...
10351614
I... is everything okay? I hate to ask this, but I'm getting bad vibes here.
10351626
About what?
10351630
A past with self-harm? Just asking out of concern, but I'm notorious for assuming the worst, so... yeah...
10351631
It's in the past, don't worry :-) This story was actually created because of that past.
Thanks for your concern, but I promise I'm fine.
10351634
That's... well, good to hear that it is in the past. You said English isn't your first language, may I ask what your mother tongue is?
10351638
Sure, it's danish. :-)
10351640
Huh, we're like... almost neighbors. I'm from Germany ;)
10351643
Huh, how about that neighbor.
I know it's a wired question, but why are you helping me with my story?
I mean I knew I wrote it in the Author Note and you also said before that you wanted my story to succeed.
I guess I'm just curious if there was other reasons.
10351645
Mostly because that's what I want to see happen with my own stories. Seeing a lot of other stories (not necessarily here on fimfiction, but other websites also), I sometimes have to wonder why people like some of the things that just... are not worthy of such praise. I know it's petty to think like that and while I would argue that I don't care about being petty (because saying otherwise would be, quite frankly, a lie), I also won't say they don't deserve it (even though they totally don't). So, seeing you struggle with a few things here and there, I feel a bit reminded of my own first (very) wobbly attempts at writing. While I have improved greatly, I'm not about to hold it over other people's heads. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I have only pointed a few things out that, *ahem*, irked me, so it isn't like I have been overly helpful. I'm too lazy to go into greater detail on all the mistakes I find. And I have a few more chapters that I still need to read, we'll see if I become insane with my nitpicking then ;)
10351655
Well, if it’s only nitpicking, then it can’t be too bad.
But if you’ll get any questions, feel free to ask, thou I have left many things as setups and even with all the chapters I’ve released, I still haven’t reached the first big payoff.
You also metioned before that a human can’t survive without food for 33 hours, if we have water, we can survive about a mouth without food, but only 2 days at best without water and I never bleed hard from my head.
10351686
A month is highly unlikely, an average person would get lucky to have that long. Starvation depends on whether or not the body was in a good state at the start of the 'no food available here' situation. While yes, 33 hours isn't much and would be no problem, my statement was more of an exaggeration (or just a thought about 'What if people just thought: Huh, that hooman is starving, let's move on like nothing is wrong'). Although, hunger pangs are enough to drive me insane, so I'm not the best person to talk with about these things.
10351703
Well, I did a bit more research about this because I got curious. The human body can apparently survive quite a long time with proper hydration, but applying it to this situation here I still would doubt the mc would survive 30-48 days without food at all because if you can't find edible food, what's the chance you have access to clean water? I certainly have no idea how to survive in the wild beyond: find shelter, find a river that isn't slow-moving, and find fruits or nuts. Heck, if worst comes to worst, insects are aplenty in forests and I'd rather take my chances with those as disgusting as the thought is than starve, and I'm a vegetarian, so that has to say something... whether that's good or not isn't the important question. Survival is more important to me than my morals... although I would cry the entire time to resort to those means.
The first thing that I'd think about is cleaning the friggin' wound, not getting naked and steamy (although my inner pervert would probably whisper darkly in the back of my head that, yes, hot and steamy would be great...)
The moral of the story: Fear the horsey with the sponge!
10351729
I know what you mean, I did some research on this before I started writing and found out mostly the same.
But when I said 33 hours in the story, that doesn’t necessarily mean 33 hours.
I didn’t know what time it was when I arrived in Equestria, so it can easily be under 30 hours maybe even less.
And remember, first person narrator is an unreliable narrator. ;)
10351743
Sure, but then again, there's no knowing how long the mc was unconscious for, and then the next question would be when was the last time they ate on Earth? How much time has passed since their arrival in Equestria? With these in mind, I wouldn't be surprised if the time was even longer than one or two days.
10351747
That is why I decided to publish my story to get more perspectives on my story, see holes I missed.
Though I would in the future return to just before I came to Equestria.
I'm confused... pretty sure it's not luckily. Did you mean reluctantly?
The title is written with uppercase at the start, so it is Princess Celestia and Princess Luna and Princess Feynna. :P
um is the eye color connected with the emotions changes?
This should that be horse?
Okay, I guess now would be a good time to summarize a few of my issues with the story so far seeing that the mc is recounting what happened...
1. Comparing to how the mc woke up and reacted, what you describe here doesn't really... make sense, I suppose. If I thought I just crashed, I would friggin' freak-out and not just assume that I was 'dreaming it up'. I don't personally remember dreams (sometimes I think I'm incapable of it, but rationally I know I must be dreaming at some points in the night), so I can't validate how much one can believe what they have been dreaming to be true, but I know you should probably be able to tell whether it was a dream after the fact.
2. Generally, I would assume that moonlight isn't quite enough to spot a cave in the middle of the night. Finding a cave in the first place is something I don't think you would just do and certainly not on a hill. I have no idea how you define a hill, but a mountain and a hill are not exactly close to each other in terms of scope. I'm not an expert, so don't take my word on it.
3. Same thing as number two, I don't think an avalanche happens on hills. Even then, you'd need to be somewhere where that is an actual risk. I would have to research this a bit more to know the actual technicalities behind avalanches, but so far I feel fairly confident to say what happened (with the conditions like they are: hill and 'a huge' sneeze) was a bit... well, ridiculous. I don't know if it's just me or not, but it's really bugging me. Besides things like the 'e' missing from 'happened', but that is nitpicking
4. The thing with the spying. I know I mentioned this already, but why the fluffy unicorn would the mc feel the need to spy on a settlement (even if it looks like the dark ages or whatever)? To me, it feels like some weird plot device that shouldn't be there like that. Have the mc spot colorful horses from a distance and then decide they need to spy on them out of curiosity, but not because of the architecture.
5. If I knew I had been spotted by weird colorful aliens (even though I would be the alien there), I dunno if I would stay there and assume they won't come running with pitchforks and whatever. Sure, I have knowledge of MLP, so I wouldn't react like that, but that isn't the point here. I hope this makes sense and I'm not just rambling...
Besides the multitude of grammar/spelling errors, those are the points I feel like could be looked at and whether or not you agree with me, be corrected. So far, the story isn't the worst one I have read and that's saying a lot coming from me. I have a guilty pleasure of reading really sh*tty things so I feel better about my own stuff... Your story isn't as bad as you might think with how much I'm criticizing things that might make it look like it's worse than it is. It's just easier to point out all the stuff that bothers me, I'm not perfect... sorry.
I know I haven't gone senile yet, but hasn't Celestia already checked the wounds? Or even healed them?
Also, missing indicator for plural: >>make sure your wounds have not gotten worse<<
or if you just mean the single wound: >>make sure your wound has not gotten worse<<
What? I... I can't even begin to describe how ridiculous that is. And have I missed something? I think I would remember something so... absurd the first time around. I'd like to hear the thoughts behind writing that, I can't even begin to grasp how you came up with that one.
Contradictory statement if I have ever seen one. If every transformation ended with the 'test subjects' dead, has the spell ever been successful in the first place? I mean, if you want pony corpses instead, it's pretty successful...
So, Princess Celestia is essentially telling him: I'mma kill ya because magic science is bad. We know from the show that the spell is possible (although I don't quite remember how long it lasted... would have to rewatch that breezie episode), so why is this spell going to kill every other creature and probably not the mc (because Deus Ex Machina)?
Sure... ten pancakes... I don't know how large those are, for all I know they are really tiny, but even a portion of medium-sized pancakes aren't more than 4 typically. A tower of pancakes, on the other hand? You'll get fat, my dear. If you don't throw them up, that is...
Aside from that, my only issue with this chapter is the blatant disregard for the multitude of warnings about that spell that apparently kills the subject.
... and that saddlebag thing.
The assistant turned to look at the woman next to her, a clipboard in her hand. "Oh, hey, look! Deus Ex Machina was a full success, Ma'am! We can begin preliminary testing phases on the test subject now, Doctor Feynna! Let's see if motor-control is still intact."
"What do you propose we do, my lovely assistant?" the mad scientist asked.
"How about licking the brain? Will it taste like chocolate?" she replied and the woman gave her a confused glance.
"Why would it taste like chocolate? And what has that got to do with anything relating motor-control functions?" she asked and the assistant giggled in return. Sometimes she wondered who the true mad scientist was among them.
"I read one of those philosophical texts you enjoy so much," the assistant replied. "Something about perception or so. If you eat chocolate and someone were to lick your brain to find out how chocolate tastes for you, would they actually taste chocolate?"
"That's ridiculous," Doctor Feynna replied with a deadpan expression. "And I'm still left wondering how you came to this analogy in the first place, you utter nutcase."
"You say the most beautiful things," the assistant sighed dreamily and the eyelid of Doctor Feynna twitched in annoyance. "I suppose I just wondered about how the test subject would regain their motor-control and somehow went on a tangent there."
Hope you enjoyed that, couldn't help myself there. Short story short: How would one be able to locate their sensations and/or motor-control functions within the brain when moving/feeling is a) not done by consciously thinking about it and b) you can't look into your brain like that. Besides, moving shouldn't suddenly be a completely foreign thing because of a different body, it is still a four-limbed body (tail not counting for this, because it isn't like you'll confuse the thing above your butt for a leg). Your foreleg should still feel roughly the same as your arm, just with different joints.
Nice that Twilight's parents aren't even asked before making this decision. I mean, I'm pretty sure with Twilight asking her parents that they wouldn't have anything against it, but still...
Also, I have noticed for the umpteenth time now that you have written weird as wired. It's really wired, you know? ;)
*Snickers loudly* Yes... yes, you look very... unik. xD
I would be laughing at me, too, if I were a brightly colored and overly saturated pink pony in a world where all ponies have pastel colors, instead. I'd suggest drawing the cover yourself, but I know not everyone is artistic in that regard. Pony Creator (or whatever it was called again) isn't the best tool to use for such purposes, although if you insist on using it, see if you can't make those colors a bit less... bright. Look at some of the colors within the show and go from there, the color scheme isn't too bad. There are a lot worse options to go with. Although I would recommend making the mane color contrast slightly more with the fur color (just my opinion, it's fine if you want it like that).
Your worst nightmare.
Wow... 1+1... really demeaning there, Twilight. I understand the magic books and the one about the history of their kingdom she gives Star, but basic math? Come on...
<sarcasm> Yay, you only need to sleep for thirty minutes a day, Star! Isn't that great?! You can stay up all night and drink coffee to your heart's content and before you know it, you are addicted to caffeine! </sarcasm>
I mean, on one hand, it would be your own fault to get grounded like a little child, but on the other... are such rules even necessary for an adult in a filly's body? They should know how to behave themselves already. Disciplinary measures aren't needed anymore. Also, question mark for questions, simple really.
The first thing I would assume would be that Star was altered with an age spell, not that Celestia, Lulu, etc. transformed an alien into a pony. But what do I know, people always find ways to rationalize the craziest conspiracy theories.
Are we in school now, too? Wow, Twilight, what a great sister you are.
It would look more weird and out of place for Star to not go to school. At least homeschool her, Twilight.
I'm sorry, what?
Also, question marks aren't evil, you know?
...or are they?
As much as that cretin of a bunny deserves to be defamed like that, you should still write his name how it is actually spelled. Or rename that devil creature Angle instead, I honestly don't care, dear. ;D
There are a few more mistakes in that paragraph and I suggest reading through it again. The 'dusin' spelling error wasn't the first time I have seen it in your story, so I would also suggest looking through the previous chapters, I don't exactly remember where it was.
I... don't think you meant that word, dear.
Sure, Flutters. He was calling out for you by roaring right into the face of a little filly...
I feel like I'm missing something here... What was the point of the Harry the Bear scene?
Fluttershy does know that Star was an adult, right?
After getting roared at by one of them? Heck, I would develop a phobia right after that.
10352431
The mc was desperation to go home again, but maybe I wasn't clear on that in the story.
Celestia didn't tell Twilight that she was the element of magic, so all in all, she knows more than she's telling.
About hiding in the saddlebag again: I hope I have read your comment correctly.
I hid in her saddlebag the first time from where she met me to the train and from the train to the castle.
The mc was passed out for quite a while, so it's implied that she went to her parents and told them, with permission from Celestia, but I could be more clear on why they aren't there.
Really... Let me guess, Star turns into an alicorn, too, down the road? Although, now that I think about it, it would even make weirdly sense for that to happen. Celestia and Luna were behind Star's transformation into a pony, after all.
Child labor, yay!
Oh, would you look at that...
Grrrr...
It's more if numbers are the same and she never told me she wanted me to read it, I just noticed the book.
Harry the bear was mostly there so show Fluttershy's strengths and set up that that spell have messed me up.
Yes she did know I was an adult, but since she addressed me like a filly, there have maybe been talks with Twilight that I havn't heard.
If I would become an alicorn, it will be after 1 mio, words.
Mrs. and Mr. Cake and I'm starting to think you have something against question marks...
The secret ingredient is the blood of innocent little fillies, mwhahahaha!
My cat also purrs with sugar. *Snerk*
this much fun
And I've got to ask, what the heck is going on with the stares? ._.
Being trans, I really have to say this: Fluffy Flying Unicorn (I won't actually swear, so take that statement and change it around a bit). Being in the wrong gender can be really devastating to a person and constantly hammering this in isn't good. So far it feels like Star is being forced into that gender without getting a say in it and the argument that being female now warrants such a thing is really insensitive. You aren't the only author that writes those types of things and most of the time I don't care that much, but come on... at least have the struggle to adjust and/or come to terms with that change more prominent in your story.
What isn't pink on that pony? xD
So, how many were in there, to begin with? ._.
Really? That's the reason for the weird looks? And who wouldn't want to know about Cutie Marks, they are like what drives society in Equestria...
A Cutie Mark isn't exactly hard to notice... The eye is typically drawn to things that stand out on a person and if you aren't exactly covering up your tattoo, you can bet people will stare at it for a little while at some point.
That argument would be valid if Star had been a unicorn since birth. I'd argue that it has got something to do with the nature of the transformation magic that Celestia, Luna, etc. pumped into Star.
Do you actually do that? If so, please stop with that. Being bored shouldn't make you want to hold your breath underwater...
All the jokes that could be made here... Seeing that this story isn't rated M, I won't make them but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.
Again with the constant treatment of being a child. I would understand that if Twilight was actually Star's mother, but enforcing good behavior isn't necessary for an adult as they should know better how to behave. Ah, well...
Why would it be weird? I don't understand.
10352656
The mane and eyes ;-) But the colors are on purpurs.
Pinkie and I made 12, we ate two and I got the rest with me back home.
There is a reason for me becoming a unicorn filly, but much it is implied and also why I hadn't complained more.
The sentence by Mrs. Cake was more of a statement than a question, please correct me if I'm wrong. :-)
The stares from the ponies around town, I'm new and no party have been thrown by Pinkie, we as the reader knows from the show it's a tradition, but it will be explained soon.
10352676
So, what you're saying is that 80% of your color scheme is pink because reasons? I'd like to hear those, I can't even take you seriously until then. Using a dichromatic color scheme seems really... I dunno, lazy? It seems so out of place in Ponyland, most of the ponies have at least three different colors, not counting the Cutie Mark.
So, if Pinkie and Star ate two at the bakery and there were two cupcakes left after Spike was through with them, he must have a really large stomach for a baby dragon. Heck, I get nauseous after eating two or three donuts from Dunkin' Donuts already.
It's all well and good to imply things, but not for major things like a forced gender swap. Most people would freak the fluffy unicorn out if that happened to them. And don't give me the argument that 'because reasons' Star hasn't been freaking out so much... That's lazy and being lazy is my job.
10352686
I would rather message you in private to tell, as these comments are public and if I told you it could spoil many setups I've made.
I never really had anyone to tell these ideas to, so everything is coming from me, without feedback from anyone else.
Fluttershy have pink and yellow, Rarity have white and purple and Pinkie have two shades of pink.
That is if you're not counting the eye color.
10352740
I'm counting the eye color, that's the point. And I'm not holding it against you, I understand that without someone to talk to before making all these decisions, one can never be certain how others will react to those. Nothing is stopping you from sending me a pm to explain this ;)
Bad idea for a sauna.
And the child labor continues! Next stop: the coal mines! xD