Brother, sister, mother, father... What is a family? Are they just relatives? The people whom take care of you? Or, are they the ones you love most for just being whom they are? What will happen when brother and sister find themselves alone in Equestria?
What are they to you, when that's all you have when you're alone? What will happen, when it's broken and tossed into the depths of the unknown?
Will they fall apart piece by piece, in the mysteries and uncertainty known as Equestria? Or, will it thrive, and rebuild itself, starting anew, becoming stronger and better?
Notable people:
Editor - Faded Echos
Advice and beta reading - Commander Joe
Chapters (30)
Very interesting.
10381604
Yep! Though I'm stuck on a specific chapter. I know where I want the story to go, but I don't know how I want the story to go that way. Still trying to figure a way through, but I'll get there eventual and hopeful by then I'll have an idea.
I had already scrapped three half baked Ideas. If I can't find a way around, I'll just leave it for later.
With that said, I don't really have anything else to say.
Except that I made an image of Starla that isn't from the pony generator online...
...
Oh? I'm, sorry. Did you want to See the image? Well, guess what? You cAN
I'll be adding the image to the author's note at the end of chapter two.
Finally started to read the story, I think it's a great idea that it starts out in the Zebra lands, especially with recent events in the world. The being alicorns certainly would get the princesses attention fast, through I wonder what they will do once the reach Equestria. Through I think trying to reach back Equestria with Luna could be an adventure in itself and from the sounds of the situation it might seem that will actually happen maybe even before Luna manages to reach them first. I wonder what is the problems with this community of the Zebra tribe to get them apparently so disunited in the zebra's Shamans eyes? I am looking forward to see where this story goes.
Also if you are looking for a quality cover art I am open for commissions, I have done a great number of comver art here on Fimcition some of them you might have already scene.
Here is my Deviant art Gallery here and here is my Youtube channel for my speedpaitning videos.
If you are ever interested, please PM me for more information, and good luck on your story
Mix-up
10393883
It was an interesting idea I came up with while listening to music. Most HiE stories I find only have one person show up pony or not. I like HiE stories but I'm getting a little bored with them. So I thought, why bring one person? And how would they appear in Equis(The Planet there are in). I couldn't come up with anything there so I just highjack a common situation form different anime I watched. Anyways after that, I wasn't sure where they would appear. I've seen plenty of stories dropping them near Ponyville or the Everfree, but it's getting a little overused.
Anyways while developing the village/town in the story after I had dropped them in zebra lands, I didn't know what I was going to do while the character waits for Luna's arrival. I had three ideas, and each of them sank like the Titanic. So I decided I'll just work around it, which is why there is quite a lot of time jumps in the last chapter.
Though, I do have something planned for the next for chapters. Though beware I'll probably be adding the violence tag soon, possibly even the death tag but IM not sure about that one.
Also, in regards to the commission, I'm not currently looking for something nor am I interested right now. Maybe another time if I ever decide to post another story which is a possibility. I have 4 other stories I came up with but decided to never do because I lost interest a few days later. I had the four other stories not posted. And two of them I might post when I'm done with this story if I'm still interested in them after this story.
Anyways thank you for the offer! I have it booked marked should I need it.
i hunger for more good story. i will wait for next chaper eagerly
10394204
The next chapter will be out in a few days as soon as I proofread/edit it then go through a final reread before releasing it.
Right now, in my personal opinion of my own story, and opinion on how chapter five is currently going, I fell as if it's one of the better chapters then the most recent chapters. I was kinda mindless writing those with an Idea I wasn't sure how to go through with(witch, in the end, I just made a work-around for the time being), meaning I didn't have a clear goal.
But right now, I have a clear picture of how I want the story to continue. So should be a bit more smooth for a while.
The new chapter will be out sometime today after I'm outa school or tomorrow and for reference, it's 12:09 am at the time I posted this comment.
Edit: Next chapter is out and right now, chapter six will come out in a few days. Depending on if I feel like doing it.
Mark: Your good but not that good not sorry
10396734
Hmm, I wonder what Celestia would think about that...
I had a different Idea for that part of the story, but it would make the story a bit cliche so I changed it up a bit.
POV: Mark
"Pffs, I'd like to see you try. Imagine you build tanks for a living using a blueprint. You know how to build a few different kinds of tanks but now,'Oh noo' you must create a fully functional tank not using a single pre-existing blue print. The design you make must be original and you have very little reference."
POV: Starla
"Mark! Hurry up! Breaking the 4th wall is Pinkies Domain and she could be here at any moment!"
POV: Mark
Turn's back an looks at you.
"I've got my eyes on you,"
Mark processes to run to a portal, which closes less than a foot in front of him after Star had already jumped in.
"HI!"
Hmm, Marks still grumpy about what happened in chapter 6 which is about halfway done. He's very tired.
10396758
im waiting for one of them to see cadence or twilight and refer to them as princesses of alliteration
F
Then drink IT up
Somewhat reminds of dipper and mabel
Cute art, hope you will keep on doing more of those in the story.
Fun chapter, too bad the siblings didn't get the chance to say goodbye to all the zebra foals, but I guess there were in a hurry. I would have thought they would have been more suspicious of Eclipse of just coming up to them and say they are apparently royalty now and not ask that they current caretaker company them in their journey or at least clarify that she was the one who sent the massage to Equestria in the first place for reasons of their own safety. I wonder what are all the dangers for lone alicorns foals outside Equestria? Is it because of just the danger of being captured and being enslaved, becaume tools for another nation or warlords or could they be used for other nefarious deeds in dark magic that could endanger Equestria itself?
I wonder what the siblings are expecting from gaining going to Equerstria to maybe go home or be humans gain or do they know they actually died in the accident?
Keep up the good work
10396959
Thanks! drawing for me is a recent hobby about a month old. And it's one of my more favored hobbies considering I had gotten myself a drawing tablet about a week after I started
You'll be getting most answers most of the dangers likely in the next two chapters.
Edit: Making sure that the story is more realistic emotionally as well as other ways was something I specificity tried to make sure of. Because in a story someone could dropped in equestrian and not care and never even mention home or family.
So while going through the story I asked myself, what would I do if I were there as well as if it would be something the characters would do or notice.
For now, I'll just say that the two are emotionally suppressing themselves and that has stressed them out enough that they might have an oversight like that.
Who knows the stress of never seeing a home or going back to your family would be like on people, not to mention being in a different world.
10396813
Personally, I don't see how Twilight and Cadence are alliterations, after breaking them down to syllables I still don't see it...
10396883
For them, it would be like eating editable poop
But not poop. More like sweat form a school locker room at the end of the day.
Why did I say that I'm going to lose appetite and dinner will be done soon...
10397328
never was good at writing stuff i was refering to the fact they can both be referd to as pretty pink/purple pony princesses what wring device was that?
10397472
You know... I can just imagine Mark and Star groaning while looking at the Princesses and knowing what each represented. I think I'll put a stick note on my wall whenever the story reaches that point.
The next chapter is practically done, just need to do some miscellaneous things before it is ready for public eyes.
Don't expect the next chapter to be coming out soon because the last four days I've been writing mostly. I'll probably take a break. I might not. Really it depends on if I want to write at that time.
Just to have a standard, I'll try not to go over a week without posting a chapter.
Edit: It's done. It's posted. Have fun. I stayed up all night with the last hour writing. it's 5 am. Good Night
interesting
So did Mark create a depth charge out of runes?
10400501
Well... I mean, it probably could work as a depth charge, but I was thinking more of a hydrogen explosive amplified by magic. I added a little timer bit because the amount of hydrogen that would need to be separated from the water would probably take time anyways.
10400511
OK
So correct me if I am wrong here...
He created a runic tablet that separated the oxygen and hydrogen in the water and caused a hydrogen fusion reaction similar to that of which occurs in the sun? das wak man
10400544
Hmm, I don't think there is any nuclear fusion or fission with the explosion(At least I don't think so).
EDIT: Well, thinking about it(Plus a two-minute search online), it might actually be nuclear. Originally, I meant it to be nonnuclear, because that would just be op for a character to have.
I've probably edited this comment five times changing the answer a bit. I'll see if I can add an explanation in the next chapter that won't drown the stories with a cliche op character or at least, make sure nobody else would be able to wield power like that.
10400562
If you like, I can help with that little bit, I am studying chemistry and physics, so I can help! Just pop me a dm and we can chat!
im just imgaining mini captin amarica with a bomb sheild
10400718
That's something I would want to see.
*Best Captain America voice possible even though its a horrible Captain America voice*
People! I am Captain America and I protect others with a mini
fissionfussion bomb I keep with me 24 hours a day! If it touches any water, it will begin to explode!"*Thuderstome rolls in*
The people: camo.fimfiction.net/JSYAOgfZe9sEKRoqLD7omXI2G0B3rrminh0lU4grZkA?url=http%3A%2F%2Flunachan.net%2Fsite%2Fsrc%2F134365101518.gif
10400743
the best hero ever but he cant go out in rain or snow or go out to sea or he will kill eveyone around him. would it be better or worse if he could suvive it?
10400750
Well, if he survives he could build a new shield to protect others, with the downfall of probably kill those around him whenever the shield detonates.
If he dies, well I'm not sure if people will be safer with him not there, or in more danger with lawlessness.
Edit: That is, of course, if he- Whoops, that would slightly spoil the next chapter. Next chapter would be a better explanation of how it works, but you probably already know how it works if you've been reading comments
but then again... With the power I have to edit and create chapters, I could create absoultly any reason I wanted. If I wanted the reason to be, "behioafhio" then the explanation of how Mark did it would be, "behioafhio". If I wanted it to be just a pure magic bomb, then it will be so. It could also be, "The complex houses married and single soldiers and their families." it shall be.
I will neither confirm nor deny I looked up sentence meant to confuse someone.
Hum, I would suggest that you focus smaller chunks chapters and separate the action on multiple chapters if you have too, the quality of the action was starting to drop a little toward the end, or rather it was starting sound less engaging, probably sighs that you were getting tired at the time. I prefer short chapters with quality, and take your time in editing them.
I wonder what they were thinking in betraying Princess Luna like that and by extension Celestia, what did Luna did in the past or her current reputation was so bad that they would risk setting her out to pirates, and obviously failed. I wonder what they will do at this point and I think Equestria has already given the siblings a bad impression to them. The shifting action POV was nice, aside from very minor issues, and I do like that the siblings did very little during that time. I Wonder what was that dream was it Luna walking into his dreams in someway, sense it is assumed that she can do that while sleeping or was it something else.
Looking forward to see the next chapter
10401047
Thanks for the advice/helpful critism, I'll probably be doing that. Personally, I had a train of thought going and I didn't want it to end. I probably could have cut up the chapter into two or three chapters and edited them slowly. Near the end, I was sorta running dry on how the conflict would go, and I was so close to the end I was probably rushing and didn't notice.
I tend to try to finish up everything in one go, and I wasn't entirely sure how I should cut up the chapter at the time because I wrote it to be all in one go instead of releasing a premade chapter every now and again.
10401194
You're welcome, I know the feeling of pushing yourself to want to get work done in one sitting as much as possible, in my art I actually get better results with drawing as quickly as possible but it is only after the results of many years or practice, so I am used to work on a rush. But writing is an other beast all together and demands time and careful consideration, and you need to build up your confidence in your own writing. I think you have the right idea of trying to push as many chapters out as you can as fast as you can for better quicker results for yourself. A trick that I like to use to improve my drawing speed it record my process and limit my work time to about 100 minutes and push out the best result that I can in that time frame, at least once everyday, and after doing that constantly for four months the results were unquestionable, I managed to cut my previous regular work time by nearly 2/3, but learning to better identify my bad habits and find better quicker solutions to get the job done fast and allowing me add more detail in my work afterwards.
Hope it helps
10401239
Hmm, thanks! I'll give it a try and see where it goes. Hopefully, it will improve the production rate as well as the quality of the story.
I think that was a well deserved rest for everyone and looks like things are finnally starting to settle down. Story was interesting and allowed Mark to consider his new situation with the princess, I think the story was a little more condensed in detail then before maybe which is good in my book. Now I wonder what is the situation with the mode of transport and how they will get back to Equestria, from the sound of it a lot of the ship was damaged.
Well, a few errors in spelling and grammar. Like ‘Unfotunately’. I’ll keep reading.
O_o hi there
10404206
Yes, they sorely do need some rest and a break(and so do I before I become nocturnal like Mark); Seems I was planning to answer your question either next chapter or that chapter after that as I'm not sure how long until they will reach Equestria(Word count wise).
You know, at first, I wasn't sure if I was going to continue the story because I was fresh outa details, but when I started the next chapter, I was surprised quite a bit. Makes me happy to have at least a small amount of people that like my story.
Now, I woke up 15 minutes ago and I have school in 10, so I'll take my leave.
10404363
Hi!
Odd, I didn't see your comment while I was responding to Mix-up.
EDIT: I'll warn you, the first couple chapters aren't as well done as the more recent ones. At least, that's what I'd say if you asked me.
(Snicker) I did a double take when I read ‘Night Wing’.
This is amusing to me, because the last couple chapters of my book have also been about pirates. I like this story so far!
XD and thus Equestria experiences it’s first nuclear detonation.
Hmmm, I demand more. Feed the machine!!
10404369
see you later then
10404475
Hmm? I thought I recognized your username and story. And now suddenly It makes sense you double take on the name Night Wing. Tbh, I was thinking of any name for a thestral. I will also neither confirm nor deny I looked up on google trying to find thestral names(but ended with nothing).
Also, funny story, Eclipse's name was meant to be Eclipse Wing, and Night was supposed to be Night Rose. Originally It was,
I changed it because reading that sentence made me cringe a bit.
Ahem, anyways you want more you say? Feed the Machine you say? Well, ask and you shall receive!... In a few days that is, after I figure out what I should do for the next few chapters as I feel having a time jump or skipping anything at all, won't allow and characters to bond. So you can expect some chapters of their trip to Equestria.
I have an idea but nothing in-depth yet. I plan to just jump in headfirst and see where that leads me.
10404464
With the bonus of no radiation!
10404363
You know, after reading that comment, and remembering your story, it seems like that came from harmony herself.
Anyways I'm going to go eat something as the last class of the day starts in 16 minutes. Perhaps if that last class has no assignments after, I'll be able to start on the new chapter, or at least build on my idea more.
10404628
Lol, Harmony has yet to be unfrozen. She’s still too grumpy to be let out. And yeah, a time skip after the latest chapter would be disappointing, I wanna see the conversation about the runes and the nukes.
School is finally out... Nothing to do. Well, nothing that waits at least. Looks like I'll be starting a new chapter now.
Mark seems to be very unfairly punished in this chapter.
I feel like all of the troubles Mark is having to deal with can lead to some pretty heavy resentment down the line.
10410486
10410435
I mean, he did teleport into a battlefield. And he's an unquestionably valuable asset as an alicorn. An example would be, let's say you have an alicorn, which could easily help Equestria grow to unimaginable lengths. If he teleports into a battlefield and dies, who knows the mental strain that would be on Star. Would she, in that state, be able to help rule Equestria?
Besides, Mark and Star are still technically foals. If you had a 12/13-year-old rush into a battlefield, what would you do? Not only that but if he dies, it would be detrimental to Equestria as well as a waste because if Star is unable to rule then not only were the lives of everyone who died coming to get them a waste, but it would cause Equestria to question their rulers. The betrayal alone could cause them to question their rulers. And currently, Luna's reputation is very fragile.
In this situation, he isn't dead but, even so, would you take the risk of it happening again? How would you prevent it from happening again? Besides, if there is a better way to prevent it, I doubt anyone would be in the right mind to think of it considering what happened.
Mark may be stubborn sometimes, but not to the point where he refuses to acknowledge these points. Besides, I don't even know how he would come up with a good counter myself.
Perhaps I'll try to turn down the "Punishment" a bit. Besides, a better punishment could probably wait till Canterlot
Edit: While writing the reply, I just realized that both Star and Mark are 14 years old and should probably be getting their cutie mark soon. Well, should've gotten them sooner. And I still haven't come up with reasonable cutie marks for either of them