A Simple Story

A Thousand Words606 stories ·232 members

A simple story of a simple pegasus.

Honestly, this is more of a dumb thing I decided to write off a whim, so expect it to not make much sense, or be any good. You may notice that I finished this an entire month before submitting the story, ignore that.

Perhaps someone else could change my mind, but I still can't help but feel this is just a dumb silly idea I came up with and made on a whim.

Entered for Bicyclette’s Thousand Words contest(after a little convincing from a friend)

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 7
- Newest First
- Oldest First

FanOfMostEverything

FanOfMostEverything #1 · May 22nd, 2022 · 1 · ·

Ooh, Magic: the Gathering cover art. Let's see now...

Hmm. It's not this is bad, it's just inadequately explored. You begin with this very dreamlike, abstract way of establishing the setting... but then the sister shows up and everything takes a hard turn into much more concrete slice of life. (Also, how do pegasi even eat tacos?)

I think part of the issue is on my end. With the World Tree as cover art, I was expecting something a bit more cosmic. As it is, there's not enough detail anywhere for me to envision it clearly. Fitting a whole story into a thousand words isn't easy. You have the start of a promising first scene here, but that's about it.

Still, thank you for entering and best of luck in the judging.

Pensive

Pensive #2 · May 22nd, 2022 · · ·

11248477
Yeah, compared to the cover art the story is less cosmic. Though, I never really played Magic: The Gathering, call me a heretic, but I just don't see it around often. Cover art is just something I found online after a few minutes, probably gonna change it if it's causing confusion.

In the end, this is just something silly I wrote when I was bored

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #3 · Jul 12th, 2022 · 1 · ·

I breathed softly, a gentle breeze in the wind, like a soft melody. I idly moved a pencil between my teeth, making a few strokes with it. Though, with a sigh, I dropped it back into my notebook, my sketch still incomplete. I breathed in the cool air as it brushed past my coat.

really gets us into the skin of being this horse, with the sensory descriptions and the teeth and coat

I pondered on the simplicities. While some see beauty in the details, I sought peace in simplicity, for what more does another need? Behind me slowly grew distance, a great tree in the skies. I did not feel sadness at my departure, no I felt like it was always with me.

aww, contemplative!

But it must end, as all doors do. And one must brave a new path as one comes to end.

so true

"Ah pony feather," I moaned, "I forgot to take my homework."

haha, funny how this line changes my mental image of the narrator so instantly!

"Oh come on, she makes a mean stew. Besides, she's making tacos."

i am jealous, i would love to have someone make a taco dinner for me! wow, i really didn't know how good i had it as a kid

And so we continued to converse, as we flew home. Time flowed, like the flowing waters in a river. An undisrupted flow, always flowing and always calm. But soon too did this river come to an end, and my sister and I landed.

haha, definitely seeing this character now as a, well not brooding, but very contemplative teenager that sees these poetic metaphors in every little aspect of life. agh, that feels just like a specific kind of person that you see sometimes in real life, you know? like, i think i was this kid when i was a kid, but it's hard to remember how i actually thought and felt then as opposed to the story my current self tells to myself about what i was like back then

"I'm not a filly anymore!" I rebuked.
"And yet you're my filly," she tucked me in.
I still pouted in a vain attempt, but once all said and done, she still tucked me in.
"You know that won't work, right?"
I pouted more.
She kissed my forehead, "Goodnight dear."

augh, what an adorable ending! such a fun contrast with all the poignant contemplation of life and the world that came before it!

the anchoring into a mundane and wholesome slice of life at the end was a great touch, and worked really well for the story. i can just feel that combination of a wonder at the world that tries its best to be mature beyond its years, and the lack of specificity that comes with age and time and tragedy and responsibility, carving scar tissue into the soul. it really captures what it feels like to be an introspective teenager before she's had the chance to go out into the world and realize that she is part of it and its mundane and petty divisions, or at least how i remember what it felt like, and augh.

great stuff!

keybounce

keybounce #4 · Aug 7th, 2022 · 1 · ·

"I'm not a filly anymore!" I rebuked.
"And yet you're my filly," she tucked me in.
I still pouted in a vain attempt, but once all said and done, she still tucked me in.
"You know that won't work, right?"

You know, you summed up every childhood right here :-).

Alright, I admit, I came here from "out-of-context-quotes", expecting something different. Seeing a pegasus talking about plants and feeling the ground, I was expecting a young alicorn's story.

Instead, I got a nice look at an ordinary pegasus family.

Pensive