Dylan Rider, a six-year-old foster kid, has been placed in Foster Homes all across the state of Massachusetts, and was hoping that one day, his parents would come and get him back. But one day on a hiking trip with some other foster kids, he got a little woozy and fell unconscious.
The next thing he knew, he was in a hospital, in a whole different world, in a whole different body. Dylan woke up as an alicorn filly, but that wasn't just the only thing that Dylan was put into.
This story is based on Living Nightmare by Autum Breeze, but a little more complicated.
Chapters (17)
Great beginning
Mmmmm Interesting
So, according to my research, the best serpentine bane of Dylan in the state of Massachusetts is a Timber Rattlesnake. Copperheads aren't that dangerous, and most snakebite victims survive. More to the point, if my future copperhead bites my bite sized rear end, I most likely won't even need antivenom.
More pls
10399292
Agree it getting good the story
Nice concept! I cannot wait for more!!!
I can't expect Dylan will be happy with the news of these decisions being made for him
I'm predicting a negative reaction and/or tantrum
I'm going, to be honest, this is a very weird chapter, I loved none the less though.
wonder how Blueblood would react if he realized that castles are for elder alicorns, and that living outside a castle is normal for newly minted/young alicorns?
i imagine that even the royal sisters spent a fair number of their younger years out of the castle too.
i can also imagine that there is an argument for alicorns to spend their early years out of the castle cause much of the important lessens that a future ruler needs to learn cannot be learned in a castle, but out in towns like ponyville
Sooner or later, Dylan is going to have to know the truth
How confusing will this story be? I won't read it if it's too confusing.
I liked that she had a southern accent. It is new and different then the other hie story’s out there. That is my only complaint about this story is the removal of it. Other than that I love it.
So, when will applejack actually start to behave like a mother?.
10404954
It'll take a while. Probably when Apple Shine starts school.
You don't need to write 'Said Granny Smith or Said Applejack, we are not dumb author no need to think that we need clarification for every little thing
Can't wait for the next chapter
10403831
He wouldn't know that. He's lived his entire life with the only alicorns he's ever known living in the same castle as him. Not to mention while he is sophisticated, he isn't necessarily a member of the intelligentsia. He has political influence and culture, but not intellect.
So Dylan is okay with that name so long as he can go home. Once he learns he can't go home, he's gonna FLIP HIS SHIT. He may be young but his name is still a core part of his personal identity and even when humans are extremely adaptable, changing our own core identities is EXTREMELY difficult. There's a reason why most people don't change their names.
No seriously it's not something that can be believably handwaved. He's going to want to latch onto ANYTHING from his old world in order to maintain some level of emotional stability, it's something we do almost instinctively as human beings. It's one of those things that are an integral part of our psychology as a species. Our name is rooted in our psyche as a MAJOR part of our ego, and we instinctively try to protect that ego as it mediates between our id and super-ego, effectively our unconscious and our conscious mind.
gonna be honest, this is actually quite OOC for Luna. She's the one who learned he died, and as the individual who revealed it to the rest of the mane 6 and Celestia, so if no one else will tell Dylan, She has a moral responsibility to break it to them. He's constantly expecting to be able to go home and when he eventually finds out, he's going to have a total shit fit. Trust me, kids don't just accept things like them DYING. They don't understand the concept often, but that doesn't stop them from just accepting it. Why else is there a plethora of media meant for explaining the concept of death and how to cope with it to children? Luna's a freaking princess, she has the tact to KNOW that's what will happen if he doesn't learn the truth, and in a dream she's capable of preventing him from causing any destruction, especially if he ends up having a magical surge or if he somehow taps into his magic and starts destroying things.
The fact that other ponies who he asks about it are either interrupted or change the subject also makes no sense considering being interrupted isn't a reason for someone who was INTENDING to tell the truth to suddenly decide not to, especially when they're a kid.
TL;DR the ponies are being so retarded regarding the handling of the situation where they will NEED to tell Dylan the truth that bad things are going to happen when the truth inevitably comes out.
Noice!
you need to really edit this to not have every sentence with talking have a thousand he said, she saids in it.
10398993
young children can actually be killed by copperhead bites pretty easily. It's uncommon but it happens. Most of the time it's toddlers but if it were a juvenile copperhead who doesn't have control over how much venom is released it's not unreasonable for even an adult to be put in a life threatening situation.
hopefully Apple Shine can lucid dream soon
Can u just tell him already cause this is geting annoying real quick
The show gave some hints of Applejack + Rarity, nothing concrete but I'm curious to see what you will do with those 2.
should be to
Great chapter and heartwarming
Twilight and the crusaders were, don't use two and's in a single paragraph.
I kinda wish he had ripped off the dress in front of Rarity and stomped on it and Rarity would have one of her fainting couch moments and then he would have said that he doesn't want to be a princess at all and pushed the crown away
I do hope you haven't made the main character into a doormat who just accepts their lot in life. It really goes against what it means to truly be alive, and more importantly to be human, even if you no longer have a human body. From a young age people are often taught that they need to take charge of their life and make it theirs.
A heartwarming chapter but there's a few glaring flaws I can see:
One, even really good kids are slaves to their emotions when they're that young. Kids with rather unfortunate upbringings tend to hold onto their anger as well, even if they're super hopeful. Not to mention You're kinda making the main character a complete pushover. He is still mentally male and if he had any form of "traditional" upbringing he'll violently reject being considered female. The fact that the rest of the mane 6 AND the Princesses are basically ignoring his personal identity and assigning female pronouns AND titles to him seems like a huge betrayal of trust considering they actually KNOW he was born male and has only been female for a few weeks.
I don't want to urge you to change what you have planned for this story, but even when children are extremely adaptable, changes in their personal identity NEVER happen that fast, and if you intend on our main character to 1. accept his new name and 2. transition to a female identity it's going to take A LOT more than you think, because otherwise you're just making your main character into a one dimensional pushover who can't even commit to pushing back against things that they don't like. Considering they don't like dresses and seem to identify as masculine, they SHOULDN'T be accepting of being called she/her and honestly at the same time just accepting their new name purely because their old one is "weird" is not something a kid would do. Weird is an insult to children, and if he were even somewhat realistically depicted he'd fight back against being called weird. Essentially "my name is my name, stop trying to change it because you don't like it".
You're seemingly slowing down the pace of the story which helps with how you characterize everyone but you're still making a LOT of glaring mistakes, particularly in not thinking through how the main character acts. You're seemingly assuming they have a pony mindset which is extreme levels of acceptance regardless of the situation, but they WERE human and mentally and emotionally still are. Their personal identity is that of a human, and being told they can never go home should have BROKEN them, or at least put them into a depressed state for a reasonable amount of time.
The BIGGEST issue I see beyond that is that your characterization of the mane 6 is seemingly reducing them to much less dynamic versions of themselves especially considering when the beginning of this story is set and where it diverges from canon. This especially applies to Applejack. When the main character says they don't like something, applejack should be picking up on that, especially the truth in the words being spoken. Since she's effectively his mother, I'd assume her maternal instincts would have kicked in by now and that she'd advocate for him, especially pertaining to his personal identity, something that the ponies should be accepting and respectful of.
10411580
you can absolutely use more than one and in a sentence, so you're completely wrong on that part. You can use many, MANY and's in a single sentence, as it's actually a literary technique used to change the rhythm of the text. If you were to separate each of the clauses in that sentence and make them all separate sentences since they're all independent clauses, the text would read as stilted and robotic to the point where it reads as being written at a lower level of english comprehension. Not to mention the ONLY and being used to actually CONNECT clauses was the one that precedes "Twilight and the Crusaders" in the sentence. The rest are indicating that a group of multiple individuals were setting up one thing as part of the preparations for Celestia's visit. I think the only problem with it is that they don't use the oxford comma for the first two lists of individuals, but it's unambiguous that it's referring to multiple different individuals in those lists so it isn't required to be there. I just think it's better for the flow of the text.
The whole "the thing is-" bit got really annoying really fast.
So a couple things. First up, is editing, this needs it bad! Grammar, is not the worst but could have been way better if you just edited it or got someone else to do it for you. Secondly, dude, the whole "everyone getting interrupted before they can tell her the truth about her death bit" is EXAGGERATEDLY OVER PLAYED!!! That bit should have been over the 1st or even the 2nd time, Anything more and its just tasteless, boring and lazy. If you were going to do it where she doesn't find out until later be more realistic and say they don't want to tell her. That much is easier to read then re-reading a chapter in a different format. I think it was Living Nightmare that was a fine example of this. The fact that this was based off of that one is a damn shame. Because, I would not compare the two at all. The only thing in common is that the kid doesn't know he is dead until later and if that is the plot we are going to read, I'd rather read Living Nightmare.
This story has potential but its wasted when you write the same thing with a different character in a different setting... Its like NASCAR the only excitement is at the start and the finish. No one cares about the crap in the middle when they know its the same left turn, and the only thing that may or may not happen is the accidents that may or may not end in tragedy. and the accidents are the truth and Blue blood. Which isn't made exciting at all because of the poor execution.
This story has potential to be Greater and deserves a rewrite and a serious overhaul, because it wasted with the lazy telling of the same gag.
I just went through the comments and I stand by with 10411795
8bitmadness, he has the right of it. When writing a story it ain't as easy as it looks, you have to do your research, the psychology of the conscious mind is one of the most important things to consider when it comes to characterization. As well as details, describe the scene a bit more. You are doing that lazy bit where you know people have watched the show, so you say the place's name and let that do all the work for you, that is lazy and unprofessional. Paint us the picture, not give us the brush to do it ourselves.
I agree ! "Priiiince Blueblood " iiiis a Total Jerrrk !
eeyup ! I agree with ya little sister . ( he means me . *Blushing )
How confusing will this story be? I won't read it if it's too confusing.
10425961
Don't worry. Things will get more interesting in the next chapter.
Great story can't wait for the next chapter
Can't wait for the punishment of blue blood for kidnapped her and next chapter
I like it good writing to it keep it coming
Wonder how he or she will now take the news
I hope blue blood get what's coming to him
Can't wait to see what happens to blue blood
i think i know what they should do with blueblood when he is caught
make him live in ponyville without any of the royal funds.
PS. if you count the collective value of the apple family's assets, you would see that they are incredibly wealthy.
10428708
Not a bad idea. But I'll add a little twist to it.
10428720
maybe he would have to work at the apple farm?
maybe Celestia could inform him that she, Cadance, and Luna spent their early years in a town like ponyville
PS. i doubt that blueblood could teleport very far, given how he acts spoiled and was never shown to have an aptitude for magic
10428741
I was thinking of something more... different. You'll see.