I woke as Spike called ‘’Breakfast is served!‘’
As I opened my eyes, I noticed that I wasn’t in the middle of the bed anymore and as I moved a bit, I felt a bit sore, but nothing hurt. So I stood up and threw my pillow on the floor and jumped down and called ‘’Coming!‘’ Using my hooves, I threw it back up on the bed and it worked, satisfied, I walked down to Twilight and Spike.
As I sat down, Twilight swallowed before she said ‘’Good morning little sis, how do you feel today?‘’
‘’Way better, but still a bit sore.‘’ I answered.
‘’Perfect, but remember to let me know if it gets worse, but as we have a few errands to run today, do you feel rested enough to join?‘’ Twilight asked.
I nodded as I said ‘’Sure.‘’ We then returned to our breakfast.
After breakfast Twilight took a saddlebag and went out and after being indoors almost all of yesterday I said ‘’Wow. What a gorgeous day.‘’
‘’Rainbow Dash must have gotten up early for once and cleared all the clouds away.‘’ Spike responded.
‘’Wait, what?‘’ I asked.
‘’Oh… Rainbow is in charge of clearing all the clouds over Ponyville.‘’ Twilight responded.
‘’Oh, okay…‘’ I responded
‘’Yep and I bet all of Ponyville is going to be out enjoying the sunshine.‘’ Twilight commented, but as we looked around, I saw no one and I wasn’t the only one, as Twilight asked ‘’What? Where is everypony?‘’ As a window shut, I looked over and saw a small pony I didn’t recognize, I gave her a friendly smile before her mom or big sister got her back inside and slammed the door.
We walked further Spike as asked ‘’Is it some sort of pony holiday?‘’
‘’Not that I know of.‘’ Twilight responded.
’Should we head to Sugarcube Corner, maybe someone’s there?‘’ I asked.
‘’Great idea Star.‘’ Twilight responded.
‘’Does my breath stink?‘’ Spike asked before he belched.
‘’Not more than usual.‘’ Twilight responded.
But as I smelled the belch, I added ‘’But a breath mint could help.‘’ As I gave him a smile.
He gave me a smile before a thought struck him as he asked ‘’Is it… Zombies?!‘’
‘’Uh, not very likely.‘’ Twilight responded.
‘’Not likely, but possible?‘’ Spike asked.
As we arrived a few meters from Sugarcube Corner, I heard a loud ‘’Psst!‘’
‘’Did you hear that Twilight?‘’ I asked, she nodded
We looked around and as I looked, I saw in the corner of my vision, Sugarcube Corner as Pinkie’s head appeared, as she loudly whispered ‘’Twilight!‘’ But ducked away as we locked eyes, shortly after she came back out and again whispered ‘’Star! Spike! Come here!‘’ As she gestured with her hoof ‘’Come here!‘’ She continued before she got her head out and whispered louder ‘’Hurry! Before she gets you!‘’ Twilight then took me in her magic and jumped inside.
Inside the shop, I was placed down and it became completely dark, but before I turned on my light, Pinkie turned a flashlight on and blinded both Twilight and I, Twilight grunted as Spike grabbed her neck and asked fearful ‘’Who? The zombie pony?‘’
Pinkie pointed the flashlight at herself and creepily said ‘’Z-zombie pony?‘’ Which caused Spike to hold Twilight tighter in fear.
As Twilight had enough, she said ‘’Spike, there is no zombie ponies. Pinkie, what are you doing here all alone in the dark?‘’
‘’I’m not alone in the dark.‘’ Pinkie said and as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw the rest of the ponies I’d met in Ponyville, Apple Bloom, AJ, Rainbow, Rarity and Fluttershy.
As Twilight still hadn’t got an answer, she asked ‘’Okay, then, what are you all doing here in the dark?‘’
Applejack finally responded while she pointed out the window ‘’We’re hiding from her.‘’ We then walked over to the window as she opened the curtain, I looked out and I saw a pony under a brown fabric as she dug at the ground. I looked for a while to get a better view, but as the pony turned and looked at us, all but Twilight and I gasped.
Apple Bloom got her front hooves on the top of Spike’s head, as she looked at Twilight and I, she asked ‘’Did you two see her? Did you see… Zecora?‘’
Applejack scolded as she said ‘’Apple Bloom, I told you never to say that name.‘’
But it only gave me an urge to say the name, but as I fought it back, Twilight said ‘’Well, I saw her glance this way.‘’
Pinkie interrupted and got close to Twilight’s face and said ‘’Glance e-e-evilly this way.‘’
Twilight got Pinkie a bit away before she continued ‘’And then a bunch of you flip out for no good reason.‘’
‘’I didn’t.‘’ I responded as Twilight gave me a soft smile.
‘’No good reason?! You call protecting your own kin no good reason, why I never thought y’all would say something like that as a fellow big sister.‘’ Applejack said offended.
‘’I will protect Star too, but there is nothing to be scared about and therefore there is no need to protect her.‘’ She looked at me as she finished.
‘’Why, as soon as my sister saw Zecora riding into town, she started shaking in her little horseshoes.‘’ AJ said as she shook her little sister.
‘’Did not.‘’ Apple Bloom said with a shaky voice.
‘’So I swept her up and brought her here.‘’ AJ said as she took Apple Bloom on her back.
‘’I walked here myself.‘’ Apple Bloom said and I believe Apple Bloom.
‘’For safekeeping.‘’ AJ said sternly.
‘’Applejack, I’m not a little foal anymore! I can take care of myself!‘’ Apple Bloom said as she jumped back down to the floor.
‘’Not from that creepy Zecora.‘’ AJ tried to correct her.
Fluttershy began as she said ‘’She’s mysterious…‘’
Rainbow added ‘’Sinister…‘’
As Pinkie ended ‘’And spo-o-o-oky.‘’ I looked out the window and gently felt Twilight doing the same before she let out a groan as the rest of the ponies hit her, as they looked out as well, from behind us.
As we looked out the window, the pony took her hood off and revealed stripes in her mane and coat, where all of them gasped and Twilight commented ‘’Will you cut that out?‘’
‘’Just look at those stripes. So garish.‘’ Rarity said.
‘’Isn’t she a zebra?‘’ I asked as I looked at Twilight.
Twilight clearly surprised said ‘’Um yeah, she is.‘’
‘’A what?!‘’ All the others asked.
‘’A zebra.‘’ Twilight responded ‘’And her stripes aren't a fashion choice, Rarity. They’re what she was born with.‘’Clearly too much for Rarity as she fainted, I tilted my head at her in confusion, but as I noticed no other pony did anything, I guessed it was normal.
‘’Born where?‘’ AJ asked fearful ‘’I never seen a pony like that in these parts, except… her.‘’
‘’Well, she’s probably not from here.‘’ Twilight said ‘’And she’s not a pony. My books say that zebras come from a faraway land. But I’ve never seen her in Ponyville. Where does she live?‘’
‘’That’s just it.‘’ AJ responded ‘’She lives in… The Everfree Forest.‘’
A loud crash came from the kitchen and as I grabbed Twilight’s leg, she scolded ‘’Spike!‘’
‘’Uh, sorry!‘’ Spike called.
As I let go of Twilight’s leg, Applejack continued ‘’The Everfree Forest just ain’t natural.‘’
‘’What so unnatural about the Everfree Forest?‘’ I asked as I thought it must be awful, if these ponies were afraid of it.
Applejack looked at me and continued with fear in her voice ‘’The plants grow…‘’
I got confused, wasn’t that normal, Fluttershy looked at me and fearful added ‘’The animals care for themselves…‘’
I smiled as they must be joking, as it sounded very similar to my world, Rainbow floated down to the ground and with worry in her voice she added ‘’And the clouds move…‘’
A laugh wanted to get out of me, didn’t all clouds move? As all three of them then finished together ‘’All on their own!‘’ But I couldn’t hold it down anymore and I fell to the floor and belly laughed.
As I got up all the ponies either looked confused or like Fluttershy, ashamed. I stood up as I collected myself before I asked ‘’Wait, you’re serious?‘’ Maybe the Everfree Forest was my world.
Pinkie who then tried to move on from my belly laugh, said ‘’Um… And that wicked enchantress Zecora lives there, doing her evil… Stuff! Why she’s so evil, I even wrote a song about her.‘’
As Rainbow commented ‘’Here we go.‘’
But before Pinkie began her song, Twilight whispered into my ear ‘’Star, I don’t ‘ever’ want you to go into that forest without my permission, understand?‘’
‘’I promise big sis.‘’ I answered, what was so wrong about that forest, but if Twilight said so, maybe there is a point?
Pinkie then sang ‘’She’s an evil enchantress - She does evil dances - And if you look into her eyes - She’ll put you in trances - Then what will she do? - She’ll mix you up in an evil brew - Then she’ll gobble you up in a big tasty stew - So watch out!‘’ She ended on a table as she took in deep breaths.
‘’Wow, catchy.‘’ Twilight said.
‘’It’s a work in progress.‘’ Pinkie said now relaxed.
As Twilight and I still haven’t bought it, Twilight said ‘’This is all just gossip and rumors. Now, tell me, what have you actually seen Zecora do?‘’
‘’Well…‘’ Rainbow started ‘’Once a month, she comes into Ponyville.‘’
Full on sarcasm Twilight said ‘’Ooh!‘’ I smiled as she definitely mocked their exaggerations.
‘’Then…‘’ Rarity added ‘’She lurks by the stores.‘’
Twilight once again with sarcasm said ‘’Oh, my.‘’ Causing a giggle out of me.
Fluttershy then tried ‘’And then she digs at the ground.‘’
As Twilight, sarcastically called ‘’Good gracious!‘’
I sat on the ground and used my hooves to cover my mouth, so my laugh wouldn't be heard, before I said ‘’I don’t get it, why is that so bad.‘’
Twilight saw I was amused and said ‘’Thank you Star. Girls, how is any of this bad? Maybe she comes to town to visit. ‘’
‘’Yeah.‘’ Apple Bloom added ‘’Maybe she’s just trying to be neighborly.‘’
‘’And maybe she’s not lurking by the stores.‘’ Twilight continued ‘’Maybe she’s going to them, lurk-free, to do some shopping.‘’
‘’Yeah. Everypony like to shop.‘’ Apple Bloom agreed ‘’You know what I think?‘’
But before she continued, AJ interrupted her as she scolded ‘’Apple Bloom, hush and let the big ponies talk.‘’
Apple Bloom walked off as said to herself, not realized that I overheard ‘’I am a big pony.‘’
As I knew Apple Bloom was a bit down and Twilight didn’t look to have any progress, I walked over to Apple Bloom and asked ‘’Hey Apple Bloom, you okay?‘’
‘’Yeah… Thanks, I just wish they would listen to what I have to say.‘’ Apple Bloom said.
Even though it went against my better judgment I asked ‘’Hey, let’s go talk to this Zecora.‘’
‘’I don’t know Star…‘’ She answered.
We then overheard Twilight as she said ‘’And if anypony here was actually brave enough to approach her, she would find out the truth‘’
I gave Apple Bloom a smile and she got a determinant look on and as we looked back at the big ponies, they still argued and I whispered ‘’Let’s go.‘’ Before we snug out the back door.
Once outside we walked around to find Zecora. After a few minutes we finally found her, but as I was about to walk over to her Apple Bloom pulled me behind a wall and hid from her sight before she said ‘’Star, wait, if the stories are true and she’s evil, maybe we should approach her a bit slower.‘’
‘’Fine, but staying here is not going to help.‘’ I responded with a deadpan tone.
Apple Bloom nodded in agreement and said ‘’Let’s go to the other side of that house.‘’ I looked and nodded, she ran around the house, as Zecora looked the other way, I ran straight towards the house and the bush next to it.
As Apple Bloom came from the other end of the house, I waved at her and after she came to me she asked ‘’What, how?‘’
I pointed to where we stood before and said ‘’It was faster to run straight and she didn’t see me.‘’
Apple Bloom then looked over the bush and said ‘’She’s moving.‘’ I looked up and Apple Bloom pointed at a house close to Zecora and said ‘’Let’s run to that house, that’s straight and we’ll be out of sight.‘’ I nodded in agreement and with Zecora out of sight, we ran.
We continued to do that same thing until we reached the outer city limits and on the verge of a dark forest, I stopped, the same as Apple Bloom as she announced ‘’That’s the Everfree Forest.‘’ As I remembered what Twilight had said about that forest and that I shouldn’t go in there, but what the other ponies feared about it wasn’t bad, but Apple Bloom had already taken her first step into the forest and whispered loudly ‘’Come on Star, she’s getting away.‘’ As I believed it to be the best if I went with her instead of letting her go alone, I followed Apple Bloom into the Everfree Forest.
10351610
When I first began to write I was the most pleasing for my eyes as I read.
Why did the mc slam his hand into the rock? Because I do that if I hurt myself, I would normally punch something and yes it is ment to be seen as a bad thing to do, but I don't enjoy self-mutilation but I have a past with it.
10351614
I... is everything okay? I hate to ask this, but I'm getting bad vibes here.
10351626
About what?
10351630
A past with self-harm? Just asking out of concern, but I'm notorious for assuming the worst, so... yeah...
10351631
It's in the past, don't worry :-) This story was actually created because of that past.
Thanks for your concern, but I promise I'm fine.
10351634
That's... well, good to hear that it is in the past. You said English isn't your first language, may I ask what your mother tongue is?
10351638
Sure, it's danish. :-)
10351640
Huh, we're like... almost neighbors. I'm from Germany ;)
10351643
Huh, how about that neighbor.
I know it's a wired question, but why are you helping me with my story?
I mean I knew I wrote it in the Author Note and you also said before that you wanted my story to succeed.
I guess I'm just curious if there was other reasons.
10351645
Mostly because that's what I want to see happen with my own stories. Seeing a lot of other stories (not necessarily here on fimfiction, but other websites also), I sometimes have to wonder why people like some of the things that just... are not worthy of such praise. I know it's petty to think like that and while I would argue that I don't care about being petty (because saying otherwise would be, quite frankly, a lie), I also won't say they don't deserve it (even though they totally don't). So, seeing you struggle with a few things here and there, I feel a bit reminded of my own first (very) wobbly attempts at writing. While I have improved greatly, I'm not about to hold it over other people's heads. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I have only pointed a few things out that, *ahem*, irked me, so it isn't like I have been overly helpful. I'm too lazy to go into greater detail on all the mistakes I find. And I have a few more chapters that I still need to read, we'll see if I become insane with my nitpicking then ;)
10351655
Well, if it’s only nitpicking, then it can’t be too bad.
But if you’ll get any questions, feel free to ask, thou I have left many things as setups and even with all the chapters I’ve released, I still haven’t reached the first big payoff.
You also metioned before that a human can’t survive without food for 33 hours, if we have water, we can survive about a mouth without food, but only 2 days at best without water and I never bleed hard from my head.
10351686
A month is highly unlikely, an average person would get lucky to have that long. Starvation depends on whether or not the body was in a good state at the start of the 'no food available here' situation. While yes, 33 hours isn't much and would be no problem, my statement was more of an exaggeration (or just a thought about 'What if people just thought: Huh, that hooman is starving, let's move on like nothing is wrong'). Although, hunger pangs are enough to drive me insane, so I'm not the best person to talk with about these things.
10351703
Well, I did a bit more research about this because I got curious. The human body can apparently survive quite a long time with proper hydration, but applying it to this situation here I still would doubt the mc would survive 30-48 days without food at all because if you can't find edible food, what's the chance you have access to clean water? I certainly have no idea how to survive in the wild beyond: find shelter, find a river that isn't slow-moving, and find fruits or nuts. Heck, if worst comes to worst, insects are aplenty in forests and I'd rather take my chances with those as disgusting as the thought is than starve, and I'm a vegetarian, so that has to say something... whether that's good or not isn't the important question. Survival is more important to me than my morals... although I would cry the entire time to resort to those means.
10351729
I know what you mean, I did some research on this before I started writing and found out mostly the same.
But when I said 33 hours in the story, that doesn’t necessarily mean 33 hours.
I didn’t know what time it was when I arrived in Equestria, so it can easily be under 30 hours maybe even less.
And remember, first person narrator is an unreliable narrator. ;)
10351743
Sure, but then again, there's no knowing how long the mc was unconscious for, and then the next question would be when was the last time they ate on Earth? How much time has passed since their arrival in Equestria? With these in mind, I wouldn't be surprised if the time was even longer than one or two days.
10351747
That is why I decided to publish my story to get more perspectives on my story, see holes I missed.
Though I would in the future return to just before I came to Equestria.
10352431
The mc was desperation to go home again, but maybe I wasn't clear on that in the story.
Celestia didn't tell Twilight that she was the element of magic, so all in all, she knows more than she's telling.
About hiding in the saddlebag again: I hope I have read your comment correctly.
I hid in her saddlebag the first time from where she met me to the train and from the train to the castle.
The mc was passed out for quite a while, so it's implied that she went to her parents and told them, with permission from Celestia, but I could be more clear on why they aren't there.
It's more if numbers are the same and she never told me she wanted me to read it, I just noticed the book.
Harry the bear was mostly there so show Fluttershy's strengths and set up that that spell have messed me up.
Yes she did know I was an adult, but since she addressed me like a filly, there have maybe been talks with Twilight that I havn't heard.
If I would become an alicorn, it will be after 1 mio, words.
10352656
The mane and eyes ;-) But the colors are on purpurs.
Pinkie and I made 12, we ate two and I got the rest with me back home.
There is a reason for me becoming a unicorn filly, but much it is implied and also why I hadn't complained more.
The sentence by Mrs. Cake was more of a statement than a question, please correct me if I'm wrong. :-)
The stares from the ponies around town, I'm new and no party have been thrown by Pinkie, we as the reader knows from the show it's a tradition, but it will be explained soon.
10352676
So, what you're saying is that 80% of your color scheme is pink because reasons? I'd like to hear those, I can't even take you seriously until then. Using a dichromatic color scheme seems really... I dunno, lazy? It seems so out of place in Ponyland, most of the ponies have at least three different colors, not counting the Cutie Mark.
So, if Pinkie and Star ate two at the bakery and there were two cupcakes left after Spike was through with them, he must have a really large stomach for a baby dragon. Heck, I get nauseous after eating two or three donuts from Dunkin' Donuts already.
It's all well and good to imply things, but not for major things like a forced gender swap. Most people would freak the fluffy unicorn out if that happened to them. And don't give me the argument that 'because reasons' Star hasn't been freaking out so much... That's lazy and being lazy is my job.
10369452
Evil? Evil!
"I promise not to go into the Everfree Forest"
2 seconds later: Enters the Everfree forest
Snrk. Hehe.
10639721
Realistic child behavior