Derpy is a good filly.
Her eyes might not line up right and she can't think too many things at once, but she's still a good filly who always does what Daddy tells her. Until he tells her not to go into the basement under the stairs, at least. He tells her there's a monster down there, and it's all teeth and claws, and it's dangerous.
And then Derpy doesn't do what she's told.
Winner of the Barcast's Halloween in April Horror Contest
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This is an insanely well written horror story!
The mind of a child is often the most perfect POV to focus on in these stories, and when their written as beautifully well as this, it's just stunningly tense. You captured Derpy's innocence compared to the terror of her surroundings perfectly, and the way you integrated the dialogue between her and her father or the monster was so smoothly effective.
Amazing work!
That was a great story. Good job. Good luck with the contest.
It's kind of a shame I read this piece a few months ago, as it kind of helped me predict the plot twist.
I'm also kind of getting some Daisy Brown vibes from this one. Good work and good luck, Op.
Very good horror story. Good luck with the contest.
hmm looks like Fluff does protect against monsters after all. very nice and sad
Stories from you never disappoint. This is just another one of em. Well done.
Good story, but confusing.
Maybe I'm looking to much into a horror story, but that's just what I do.
10179326
Thank you! It's always fun to try and experiment with 'different' perspectives. This one felt particularly suited to horror for me with the extreme contrast between Derpy's naivete and the reader's understanding of the situation. I think it leads to a lot of nice dramatic irony and tension.
10180165
I don't think it's looking into it too much, they're good questions! Unfortunately, the answer to most of them is intentionally vague since Derpy doesn't know them either, and so they're mostly left up to the reader.
10180165
You raise some good points but I think I can answer a few questions from some extrapolated inference.
1. It's a strong possibility that the real reason Sunbeam was initially locked up was explained to Derpy, by Sunbeam, and she understands her father isn't a good pony.
2. Sunbeam stated she hopes she doesn't look pretty anymore, and it was "the problem". It suggests her beauty made Derpy's father lock her up.
3. Sunbeam may not be Derpy's mother. Sunbeam had to ask Derpy's name, and also she shows no recognition of Derpy in the light.
4. This makes the "Sunbeam is not Derpy's mother" story fall apart. I have reason to believe that Merry Thought is some kind of insurance agent, or what not. Legal documents, such as death certificates and his talk of confusion, anger, loss and adaptation. It sounds like he's dealing with the death of a loved one. Potentially Derpy's mother. He also says he's sorry "about Mommy".
5. I frankly don't know. However, not much about Derpy is known, including her living arrangement. They could be somewhere secluded, which is where I would live if I kidnapped a beautiful pony I had an obsession with and lock her in my basement.
6. In her seclusion and assumed-isolated location, it's possible nobody noticed her or drew references that she is a reappeared pony. The fact she hasn't left Derpy (while she could have just taken her to the authorities or the Princesses) and return to her life with friends and family suggests she doesn't have any.
There is one very, very big assumption made here, and it is that Derpy's father is the bad guy. Let's not forget so-called-innocent-victim Sunbeam also locks ponies up. Adding a bedsheet doesn't make her any better. Just slightly more considerate to her victims. Her statement about visiting ponies suggests she's not waiting for the Royal Guard to pick him up either.
Edit/ To Author, Grimm: This is a very well written story. I just wish there were dialogue quotation marks but that's a personal preference. I believe it fits well for the story and I think you really have a great hand at writing horror. I would like to see more of this genre from you, because honestly, there aren't enough good horror stories on this site.
[Not saying that other authors are bad, mind you, there just aren't enough properly suspenseful horror stories to go through in my personal opinion]
seems like dad should've been nicer to derpy, Sunbeam makes a better mom real or not as she doesn't yell at derpy. Its better to have a kind monster than one that gets violent on you, maybe dad might reflect on his actions.
Of course my best guess is that daddy kidnaps fillies and takes care of them until they're mares at which point he keeps them in the basement while abducting a new filly. He's trying to have a family without going through all that sex stuff and then waiting for a foal, you know the natural way. He was probably trying to train her to become a mommy for Derpy which is why he didn't want Derpy to know about her until she was ready to become the mommy Derpy needs since it was left vague as to the mom's whereabouts.
Better a good monster than a bad angel.
Hey there, thanks for entering this story! I look forward to reading it.
Ooh, neat. I love the chilidsh perspective.
You wrote Derpy well.
I don't get it.
Good story, sad. So Sunbeam is now visiting the home or her former abuser or lives there. Interesting.
10181272
Sorry you are braindead.
Yeah, a really good story. Hope this wins the contest!!
10181272
That monment you fail at understanding what's really going on in a child's POV.
You'd think he'd have simply locked the basement door.
This was great! A simple horror story at its core, told amazingly well from a foal's perspective.
The only complaint I have is that I could figure out the twist of the story simply by reading the description. But that doesn't mean it's predictable or any less strong in it's story, not at all! It probably means I read and watch way too much horror.
Either way, I really enjoyed the story and I wish you luck in the contest!
10182730
From what i can understand:
Derpy's mother died.
Derpy's father goes nut from the loss.
Derpy's father eventually decides to kidnap a pretty mare to fil the gap the loss of his wife made.
It’s always good to see another spooky story from you. I hope you write more soon! 🖤
10182891
My take was;
- derpys dad is abusive
- most likely killed her mother, but ruled as an accident or she ran away.
- if mother was killed, derpy's disorder could be from previous trauma her mother experienced while Derpy was in the womb, or a young young infant. (Would likely have been ruled an accident)
-in anger, finds closest pretty mare, sunbeam.
-after kidnapping the mare, he says there is a monster in the basement.
-the various thumps were the mare trying to get free or find a weak point.
10183209
Thanks for reading! Probably won't be more horror next since I've done a couple in a row now, but there'll be more down the line for sure.
10183938
Oh, what’s next then?
10184173
A weird, surreal thing that I'm sure nobody will like. After that, who knows? Maybe some romance; it's been a while since I've written that.
10184210
A weird, surreal thing sounds right up my alley!
This is really well written, as many are already pointing out. Derpy's perspective is very gracefully written, it illustrates the true nature of child innocence which is really just... Knowing too little and trusting too much usually. Derpy is not dumb here, if anything, she is actually very smart I think. A little simple in her thought but she's also a filly who sounds like.. She has something similar to ADHD going on (I'm a psych major tho so I read waaayy too much into things like that, so inb4 It's Not That Deep). At any rate, others have better said pretty much everything I thought reading this in terms of writing. (Also formatting tips would b gr8 cuz I haven't commented here in years and want to make this like, not terrible to look at. I tried to trim it down some but yeah..)
Now, my personal interpretation, it's long cuz I be that way but I'm gonna put a TL;DR right here for ppl who don't wanna read a mini-essay. I'm definitely going to make a lot of inferences so I wanna be extra clear that just because I personally see the story being this way, doesn't mean I think it's the "right" or "best" way to see it. I haven't gone through a lot of comments but I did enjoy reading what others thought too.
TL;DR: Derpy's dad accidentally kills her mother, he's already unstable but this breaks him. He meets Sunbeam, probably at a bar where he/they are both drinking, he fixates on her and winds up assaulting her. He decides he should kidnap her and keep her locked up. So when she sees Derpy she automatically assumes he's hurting her in some way too. I also picture her coming from an abusive background herself so she feels pretty strongly about abusers (the story does not paint the father as abusing Derpy but he's certainly not a great parent in a lot of ways). Thus why she locks him in the basement and doesn't go to the authorities, and why she seems to have no family to return to.
Full Explanation: I feel it's plausible Derpy's mother died because her dad did something on accident due to her father's temper. I think he uses a lot of self-control not to hurt Derpy at times in the story, which could also just be something that developed due to the mother's death but for this theory I think it's evidence he did something. He's filled to the brim with grief and complicated emotions hence why he freaks out so much when she asks about her mom. Whatever he did, he manages to make it look accidental enough that nopony gets suspicious. I think all these emotions are the prime motivation for his fixation on Sunbeam. I picture him meeting her in a bar while drunk, and he probably does something he regrets to her (the first assault), though there are easily a few different ways/reasons he decides to kidnap her this is the one I'm going with. In his irrational state it would make sense that he would panic and think the best way to fix it is just to kidnap her so he doesn't get in trouble.
I say she's probably from an abusive background not just because she seems to have no family to go to after she's freed. But she seems oddly collected despite her circumstances. If she has already been through some really terrible things it makes sense, granted, we don't know how long she was down there but it seems fairly recent because she doesn't seem to be in horrible shape. This background would also make her actions understandable since she probably sees the potential for Derpy's dad to be extremely dangerous, and feels it's best to keep him locked up. In the story there are a few times where he seems to barely be holding back from harming Derpy. It is also extremely telling that she is scared of him in general, and finds going into a pitch black basement with a monster less scary than waking him up.
Sunbeam is probably also worried about what may happen if she did go to the authorities, if he would escape or get the charges dropped since it may be hard to build a case with Derpy and her as sole witnesses. He could easily weave some kind of story where he's the victim if police/guards arrive and he's locked up in the basement. I also considered her potentially murdering an abuser/abusers which would be another reason for her to not want to go to authorities.
So yeah, basically everypony needs a lot of therapy. LIke... a LOT of therapy.
10181382
Sorry, you are rude.
It really is the highlight of this story how the story captures the voice of a hyperactive and bright yet innocent child perfectly. Quite refreshing to see since the past few fics Ive read from the perspective of foals have the voice of high schoolers when theyre supposed to be, like, eight.
Also, skimming over the comments, Im surprised that Im the only one who seems to have gotten the impression that Sunbeam may have somehow been responsible for Ditzys mothers death; or is being blamed by her father for it
I had thought that Sunbeam had somehow accidentally killed Ditzys mother, which was why an insurance pony came by. Ditzys father, maddened by grief, kidnapped her intending to make her pay, or make her a replacement wife Don't Breathe-style (or make her pay by making her a replacement wife but this is getting redundant).
This was also why Sunbeam instead decided to stay and attempt to conceal Ditzys father instead of simply just GTFOing. Because of... guilt.
Okay, this is looking like it makes less and less sense. But still. It makes the story way more bleak when Daddy is simply a grieving widower who tried to seek revenge and paid for it dearly imo
this story is fucking magnificent
....I love this story with tongue.
Great job.
Yes.
Thumbs up.
Hey, you random person scanning the comments before deciding if you want to read or not.
Yeah. You.
READ THIS STORY.
DO IT, YOU'LL HAVE A
HORRIFYINGGREAT TIME.10184210
i.imgur.com/pixWapo.png
Very well done, mate! 10/10
I really enjoyed this :)
It turned out to have a better ending than I thought it would.
I'm not sure how to feel about the ending, which I think is a good thing: it's unsettling as a horror story should be, but it's also not a bad ending. It just isn't a good one either.
It makes me uncomfortable that Derpy is still caught in the middle of a dark secret at the end, and that anyone is imprisoned in secret. We trust Sunbeam, even though she's the only one to tell us (and Derpy) that we should.
It's easy to assume the father is the only bad one, but when Sunbeam basically turns the tables around on that, it feels so unclean. And it sets a bad precedent for Derpy.
Maybe good style, but otherwise a pretty disappointing story. The plot twist — which isn’t even a twist though should be the pinnacle of a horror story — cracks open from the first passages. Eh, why?
And then any convenient plausibility behind the plot comes crashing down to a complete fail at making a reader believe the possibility of such a story. I’m speaking of the ending.
I’m not assuming Sunbeam can be anybody other than Derpy’s mother, otherwise it would make even less sense. Anyway, that she reverses it back on Father (and Derpy is just fine with her dad she’s been living for who knows how long getting chained into the cellar, yeah) is just... I dunno, stupid?
I might’ve understood if there were no implications of legal authorities involved in the situation as the story would have only revolved around the family, but no, there is that Merry Thought guy that ruins the victim’s revenge motiffs that could be the foundation under Sunbeam’s decision to reverse it back on Father. And so, instead of a “angry victim changes places with tormentor” story, you get a “mother beats evil father” story, only there is an ending from the former instead of the latter. So... Just why?
You can has review!
Hooooo.
Got damn.
Literally pounding on the desk during that last scene.
And out of the whole thing, this line hit me hardest.
I had a funny feeling I knew who the real monster was.
Good job, Mr. Fluff.
The suspense my god
Righting an old wrong here: I reviewed this fic back in 2020 and adored it, even if it did unsettle me enormously. Still, can't complain about that from a [Horror]-tagged fic! Anyway, here's the addition to my five-star bookshelf your fic should have had way back then.
Here's the reading of the story on PonyTube and also YouTube.